SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:52am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Tunnel Rat - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tunnel Rat - OWC  (currently 1327 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Tunnel Rat by John Staats (JEStaats)  writing as Only the Don knows - Short, Drama, War - A US Marine encounters unexpected perils as he clears an enemy tunnel. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 22nd, 2018, 7:25pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
I liked this story. It was tense and interesting and sad. It did a little too prosy though. Didn't really bother me since I'm used to reading books, but in a potential rewrite, I would think a little bit more about what we see and less about what a character thinks.

Chimney - shimmy?


All in all, great job!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
ambitious script

i would put this down as closer to horror, of sorts, than drama, but thats me

some aspects are well chosen, considering the no dialogue requirement. army, enemies, tunnels etc

the combination of a 'monster in the house' style script, within a tradition army situation did throw me, but it can work. no reason why not, i suppose its more a mater of taste

the summer aspect - since this is a heat orientated script - felt a tad weak. its always hot in the jungle etc, but i doubt this will be the last script that makes us wonder.

overall - sound effort. fair choice of location. monsters not my thing but a different twist to normal.

for a weeks work, well done.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
The writing was a bit dense for me kind of slowing the pace on an otherwise solid story.  Similar to another script,  the heat played very little in driving the story - thought that aspect could have been ramped up.  Good job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  August 5th, 2018, 11:17am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
Lightfoot
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
379
Posts Per Day
0.07
This was an okay story for me. There was certainly suspense in there with them having a short period of time to escape the tunnel while being hunted by monster rats. The heat, to me, didn't really play a big enough part in this. It was there, but I feel wasn't enough to accomplish that theme challenge.

Good work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
I liked this. It seemed complete and I could envision the scenes from start to finish. The summer heat theme was definitely a factor within the story but didn't revolve around it. Plenty of suspense to tic that box too.

I'm a bit tired of the beasts/creatures/aliens that can hear but not see. Not quite played out like the zombie genre but common. I did like that you never got a full description of what the beast was.

Good effort. Nice surprise and ending.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
The weather has zero to do with this story but I still enjoyed it. Influenced by a recent movie no doubt but it was well told and I liked Weasel and his demeanour lol.

The descriptions were concise and interesting and overall a cool story.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
Pale Yellow
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Love your title… logline is good and LOVE your title page.

This story is def written by one of the best writers in SS. Very well written although heavy...I wonder if this writer also delves in prose perhaps.

Liked the characters. Like the mystery. This is more horror genre-wise IMO.

Great job. My favorite so far.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
CameronD
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Alright a war script! And one on tunnel rats? Well this will be interesting. You've given me high hopes already writer, let's hope you follow through.



Not what I was hoping. A bit overwritten and the beasts at the end just threw me out of the story. I'd rather this story be told straight cause you've chosen a clever setting given the parameters of this challenge. Start off with the soldiers stalking an enemy VC through the jungle. Of course they wouldn't talk since they are sneaking up on prey. Having discovered a tunnel to enter would increase the suspense quite a bit and further enforce the no dialogue rule since you wouldn't be talking while crawling through one. And with that setup, you can take it where you wanted. As long as it didn't involve beasts, lol.

Good idea, but not a fan of the execution.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
Cameron
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey writer,

When folk go on about Nam, I never have this in mind, more expecting it to be like Hotshots Part Deux...joking of course. A very different type of horror awaits our poor soldier.

When this started I immediately fell into the “Christ’s sake, here we go again” category. Horrory horror with splashy gory nonsense. I couldn’t have been any more wrong.

The pacing is spot on, absolutely nailed it, and for a horror that is key. Most suspenseful one so far too IMO. I liked it, and a hell of a lot more than I thought I was going to. What a pleasant surprise!!

Good job,

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 19
Anon
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.07
Maybe I'm being a stickler here but a lot of these stories take place in the summer but the heat has no effect on the story. Every story in the world could be in the heat or in the cold. This is a creature story told underground ... could have been cold, hot, mild, foggy but what the hell. It does have no dialogue as the concept is a short version of recent film A QUIET PLACE so anyway - to the story.

I understand these are quick and dirty scripts and they could all do with a tidy. Mine for sure. But for feedback it's worth mentioning a few things for this script. Some are nitpicks but if it makes a better read they're worth mentioning.

As he enters into a clearing, three more heavily armed GRUNTS emerge from the thicket. They're covered in mud, soaked with sweat, and swarmed by mosquitos. It's miserable.

The 'it's miserable' is redundant.

The Point Man holds one hand high in a fist to signal an ALL STOP.

You double up information sometimes. 'Fist' tells us it's a hand so a snappier read would be -

The point man holds a fist up to signal an ALL STOP.


They ready their weapons when, just a few meters further, a swarm of BATS erupt in a dark cloud from a small opening in the ground.

The Grunts lower their weapons and share a nervous CHUCKLE of embarrassment until another sound piques their attention.


I'm no soldier but even I would immediately know those bats could well have been disturbed by someone or something underground, like the Vietcong. No soldier would be lowering weapons or chuckling - they'd be on high alert.

A muffled SCREAM. They ready their weapons once more. This time, a Vietcong SOLDIER scrambles from a trap door.

Because this action block is all together, I don't know where the Vietcong is. Reads like he just popped up amongst them? Or could be in front or behind. When writing vital bits of action you have to be economical but vivid too.

Weasel nods. He gets it. He points to the Beasts and holds up three fingers as if to ask 'Only three?'

Weasel has just found out there's such things as giant man eating mole beasts. And he's high! Some reaction would be good here. He just nods and points like it's business as usual. If you build a moment up like this - you need to deliver.

Weasel points to his watch and to her with conviction. Without thought, he STOMPS his foot.

He's knows they react to sound and stamps his foot for no particular reason? Does stomping your foot mean 'hurry up' in Vietnamese? Even though we've just met Weasel I'd think he could never be so stupid and it really took me out of the read. For such a pivotal moment you need to be more creative than a foot stomp. Make the accidental sound part of the story - something significant or ironic or anything. Make it a payoff to an earlier setup perhaps. Anyway, enough about that,  but like I said - totally stoped me in my tracks.

He turns to see a taloned hand clenched around his ankle. He raises the beam of light towards the Beast's face, only to have it swatted away again by its other taloned hand.

This is the second time a blind beast has swatted torch away. How would it know to do that when it's blind? It can't see the torch. If something happens once I just shrug and think it could have been coincidence. When it happened again it totally took me out of the story once again.

Perhaps if you'd made the creatures senses something to do with heat this would have been on brief. Or perhaps they sense MOISTURE down in the dry tunnels so the heat makes people sweat and they're fucked. They'd have to keep their cool - literally. Point is - some way of making the heat relevant would have been good. And it would have been a lot more suspenseful if I wasn't taken out of it several times with things mentioned above.

This is in the top half of scripts I've read but could have been top 10% with a few easy adjustments. And with some style or an interesting voice that added to the atmosphere - could have been top full stop.

Hope you find my comments helpful as they are intended to be.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Anon  -  August 7th, 2018, 2:20am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:53am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Reads very much like a short story, needs a considerable re-write to be classed as a screenplay.

However, it was a pleasant enough read and I liked the two good reasons you came up with to explain no dialogue. I guessed where this story was going with the title and logline, therefore it was predictable and Summer heat had little to do with anything, but a decent effort.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
Dreamscale
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I like the title, and I also like the logline, but I fear the logline gives too much away.

Writing is pretty good...maybe a little thick, but nice and visual.  Too bad more peeps can't write in a way that we can see what you're seeing in your head.

Well, writing was good until this stinker of a line - "The soldier only made it out of the tunnel to his waist before slumping over dead." - the tense is wrong here and it just reads so awkwardly.

"The soldier was unarmed." - And another past tense.  Looks like I may have spoke too soon about the good writing.  ARGH!!!

OK, check this out - "The SQUAD LEADER comes forward. He quickly assesses the
situation and directs the Squad with hand gestures to surround the perimeter."

I bet almost no one would bring this up and/or see what's wrong here.  But, you're in luck, this is my 2nd to last read, so I'm going to try and throw out some help here and there.

Let's rewrite this - "The SQUAD LEADER comes forward, quickly assesses the
situation, and signals with hand gestures to surround the perimeter."  This simple rewrite saves a line and makes the sentence read much quicker and cleaner.

The passage that follows is also awkwardly written and long winded.

"Weasel is the Squad's TUNNEL RAT. He's young, short, and scrawny. The joint in his mouth has little to do with his faraway stare." - Unfilmable

"Weasel knows he has a job to do and goes right to the tunnel opening. He examines the trap door and assesses the entry." - Unfilmable

"have pulled" - again, wrong tense for a screenplay.

How could no one else notice a missing leg?  That doesn't make any sense.

Lots of unfilmables throughout, as well as lots of passages that could use the same rewrites as outlined above.

Again, lots of strange past tense verbs being used.  Don't tell us what "had" happened..tell us what is happening.

"BE FUCKING QUIET!" - Really?  It's this kind of BS that takes readers our of a script and yours is littered with it.

"Beasts"?  Why are they now being called beasts?  Are they rats?  If so, don't confuse us.

All the sign language is going a bit far.

Yeah, the asides and unfilmables are just completely killing what could have been a nice read.

OK, again, your writing just completely fell apart and your use of asides and unfilmables was running rampant, just killing what should have been a great entry.  I also think you skirted the line way too much with use of hand signals.etc.



Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 19
realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.04
The Point Man holds one hand high in a fist to signal an ALL STOP.

Too wordy. The Point Man signals the rest to stop.

The joint in his mouth has little to do with his faraway stare.

I liked this line.

derails his train of thought. He has his full attention.

The second sentence was an overkill.

The leg extends ten centimeters beyond the jaws. Curious.

Could have replaced "curious" by underlining the previous sentence or making it in Italic formatting.

A soldier sits motionless.

That was confusing and threw me off a bit. You didn't mention if he is a friend or a foe.

he can tell that the other Beasts have difficulty skirting around the blockade of death.

How though? How can he tell that? Show us don't tell us "he can tell."

I liked this tale of tunnel rats. There were some suspenseful moments. But the no dialogue thing was a bit forced. It made sense in the tunnel but was a bit unnatural between the soldiers.

How could this be improved? I'm not sure. Maybe you should introduce the monster a bit earlier and have the mystery of what they are get solved at a slower pace. Stretch it out a bit before you show us the monsters. Also, you missed a chance to have a standoff between the Vietnamese soldier and Weasel in the tunnel. He could have found him wounded but still alive. Would have made for a great scene since Weasle is clueless about the situation and the soldier can't trust the American soldier not to just shoot him at sight.

Your writing is clear and good. I wasn't distracted or anything. So well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
at my desk
Posts
127
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey, writer

I enjoyed this a lot.

The action, and there's a ton of it, was written clearly for the most part.

Weasel was a fantastic character. The joint line is awesome.
I liked how there were secret scientific experiments going on during the Viet Nam War, right beneath the fighting.  Or are huge rat/beasts common there?  Original.

My only problem with the script is it reads more like a short story.  As Jeff mentioned above, there are a lot of unfilmable remarks in your description.  If you're Shane Black or Tarantino, it's called style or voice.  But they do pull us out of the story briefly, after you do an excellent job of creating suspense and atmosphere.  Keep us in the story.

This can be fixed with a simple rewrite.  

Another thing that can be fixed after the contest is dialogue.  As I was reading, I imagined a slew of one-liners for Weasel to spew out.  I'm sure you have them written down for later.

Excellent work.  Good luck.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July 2018 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006