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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  A Beautiful Day - OWC
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  Author    A Beautiful Day - OWC  (currently 3242 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Beautiful Day by 0 - Short, Action - A crash victim tries to escape her car before it cooks her alive. 2.5 pages.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Zack
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Well this was dark as hell. Holy crap. Short and sweet(bittersweet?).

Very well written and easy to visualize all the way through.

Terrible misunderstanding at the end. Made me sad.

Great start to this OWC. Congrats!

Zack
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Cameron
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Woah, writer,

That opening is brutal, absolutely horrible. But just as I was concerned it was going to turn into a gore fest, the type I loathe, it turned. What a great little script.

Really nice twist, well written, well paced and I felt every twinge and horrible little moment. Just shows you don't need to blow the page count out to get a good story in.

Really well done,

Cam
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A decent story but the writing seemed a bit disjointed and broken. Some sequences didn't really make sense.

Our character was not too bright either. Not sure why she would try to break the windshield instead of the side windows that would shatter. Every time someone gets dowsed with alcohol in a car, I already know what's going to happen. Dialog would've really helped this lady out. Perhaps if she had passed out or fainted, you could explain why she wasn't talking to her rescuer.

Good effort.
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Solid writing.  Met the theme. Interested till the very end. Nicely done.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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OK...so...you are obviously either trying a new writing style or this is how you think screenplays should be written.  For me, the writing does not work at all.  Trying too hard to be cool, but missing the mark completely.  Let's see where we go from here...

Again, you're just trying too hard here. The asides and the way you're writing your action take me completely out of the read.

You have multiple 5 line passages and that is rarely if ever a good thing.

No...not for me.  Not at all.  It's short, thankfully, and you can write, but I really wish you'd step back and write in a way that peeps will enjoy, not be annoyed by.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Dreamscale  -  August 7th, 2018, 1:31pm
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ajr
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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This one was outstanding. Asides in the hand of a good writer are fine.

Captured the challenge well, was very vivid, and best of all, there's a point. There's desperation, and irony, and tragedy. Loved it.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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The writing didn't work for me.

That's about all the negative I have for this as the story was good. Very dark and very gripping. You certainly made the hot/cold theme a big part of this story.

Good work.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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excellent, excellent premise

writing needs a tidy, like most, but forget that. story is everything.

wonderful choice of timing, location, aspirations etc very clear, very dense with tension. we know where we are, we know what it is happening, never lost

like every script this can be tidied, but i EXPECT this to be filmed

someone pick up this script

short, simple, but by far the best i have read.

i predict a winner.

ps thankfully its hot


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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irish eyes
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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This was short and not so sweet
Great ending the kind that I like no Hollywood happy ending.
Painted a vivid picture.

All round great work


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MGray
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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Cool little story.
Might want to trim a little of the commentary-type writing. You're good at it, but I think if you can take it out, you should in a screenplay.
Would love someday to sit with all these commenters in a workshop and talk these scripts through. This one especially, as the opinions vary considerably.
Nice work.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Had another look this morning as I thought so much of this yesterday.

Was I right?

On second glance the premise is still a great one and should be filmable.

I totally agree the writing could be worked on, but that’s what OWC are for, to thrash out an idea, and if good then work on it.

In terms of the alcohol I think I would just have the bottle smash over her, rather than drink. Just felt a tad unlikely, a personal preference.

I also wonder whether the man could push the woman back into the car - something more visually brutal. Just a thought.

One thing made me chuckle, and apologies for raising this, but I get no sense of summer element in this story.  Just heat

doesn’t bother me, I think this is a lovely concept. Well done and best of luck.




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Really cool, I dug it.  Not original.   But otherwise, this is very visual and well done.

Ghostie


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ReneC
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing here, though a few too many unfilmables just to make it a good read. But it is a good read, so well done.

The first page's cut-off sentences aren't quite a page from James Cameron's writing style, but it works well enough. You could have played it straight and it would be just as effective.

The ending only works within the parameters of this challenge. There's no way she wouldn't have spoken in her defense. But, if her throat were hurt in the crash, a nice seat belt welt across it and establish she can't speak at all, then it works just fine.

I could see this getting made. Good job, one of the better ones despite the drawbacks.


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realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Every millimeter of movement is a marathon of pain.

Beautiful!

But she’s not ready to make that climb yet.

Some readers may give you hell for this line but I want to express my admiration for it.

Oh my God! That twist, man. This is a winner. This is going to make an amazing short and it's gonna rip awards like crazy. Very well done. Perfect score.
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