Logline very vague but that's not always a bad thing.

'A dead COLT'. Had to google this. You live and learn.

Writing seemed pretty much faultless to me. It flowed well and you really nailed the theme of the challenge.

I enjoyed the build-up, found it tense, gripping and was genuinely intrigued to find out what was on the next page.

Wasn't overly keen with the pay-off at the end. If I gave a shit about horses it might have worked, but as it stands, I don't. Roy did though and that's what matters for your story. I really felt his plight and desperation and thought you did a good job creating a solid character within the page limit.

Really good effort.

First things first, you need to come up with a better log line because it doesn’t do the script justice at all.

I really liked this, probably my favourite so far. You created a strong central character and managed to work in some genuine emotion with the bond between Roy and his horses.

You did cheat slightly with characters having discussions without dialogue, and I think you definitely need to add some in during the re-write.

There were the usual little OWC errors and a couple of lines that could be worded better, but overall I thought the writing on show was really strong. Nice work!

I like your title.

One spark away from a forest fire.--love this description

Old west Jesus... another great description

Oh wow.. loved this one. Great hit the parameters perfectly I think. GREAT writing here.

And I love the ending! Good job.

My apologies but I read this in three sittings which is never a good idea, but hopefully you have all the feedback you need.

I felt this started off stronger.

A farmer, desperate to keep his animals alive, commits a crime and pays with his life, but saves theirs - well for now I guess

I don’t think scripts should be looked at in too much reality depth but as I wrote the above I felt that now he is gone, they are likely to go as well in that environment even if they have had a drink

I’m also not a fan when people suggest other endings etc, but...here I go. Something about this life and death wasn’t quite right for me, so instead I wonder whether he could become a highway man, a modern dick Turpin , just a Thought

For those heat manics out there, well it also ticked that box, so well done.

Well, that hit the spot! That's what I always say after a cold one on a hot day.  

Very nice, indeed.

Couple of typos, already pointed out to you.

Some very nice descriptions and a heartfelt story. Not much else to note except:

Learn how to write a logline so you don't shoot yourself in the foot before anyone second guesses this being a gem.

And:

Be inventive with constructing your descriptive sentences without repeating the character name over and over. I know that's not always easy, but it can be done and is a good exercise in itself to try your hand at. Obviously sometimes 'Roy' will repeat...

Roy’s eyes frozen on his rearview mirror. They narrow as he
spots the white dots of approaching headlights.

You could leave out the second sentence above entirely - his eyes are frozen, then they narrow.

So, it could be a combo of above and below:  Roy's eyes trained on the rearview mirror, narrow at the white dots of approaching headlights, hands choking the wheel...

Roy’s hands nearly choking the wheel as the Water Tank Truck
from the Colorado River lumbers by.

Or: Just leave 'Roy' off that opening sentence
Eyes frozen on the rearview mirror, hands choking the wheel. Approaching headlights gaining fast...or bearing down fast...

Play around with it. Fragmented sentences are allowed in screenplays to match mounting suspense.

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed this one.
Fits all the criteria too.

...
Perhaps it should be called: One Spark Away. or, hmm, I'll give it some thought, let you know if anything inspired occurs.

Quoted from Dreamscale ... OK, so this isn't the 1st time I've seen something like this in this challenge - it's deathly hot, water is scarce, but peeps have electricity (here, as shown by a refrigerator - why don't they have A/C also?

Imagine the movie Body Heat with A/C. It wouldn't be half the sizzle it is.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/

Does everyone in the U.S. have A/C? Cause here in Oz new houses definitely do, but growing up it was a given that we'd just suffer during heatwaves. It was seen as a luxury not necessity. I went Outback a couple of times and my boyfriend's family would only ever turn the A/C on if it was well over 40°c. I was a soft City girl so I really wanted it on.

Other countries like the UK have had no use for A/C - but would still suffer under freak heatwaves and not be able to just flip a switch.. You get the oscillating fan out! Of course some town-planners there are rethinking this after the recent heatwaves and global warming.

But no, not everyone has A/C. Not everyone I know, anyway.

Even with AC it can get pretty hot.

Writer, the logline didn't really tell us anything. The title is... decent.

A few missing commas.

$112??? Do they expect anyone to live? How is that legal?

Quoted Text a dead COLT

I was gonna say, "The gun???"

We meet our first character at the end of the first page.

Quoted Text Old West Jesus

I like how you described his long hair and beard.

THE Black Stallion? The one from the book?

It's P.O.V., not POV. And you end it with BACK TO SCENE (unless you cut to a different scene/location, but most people don't do this).

Is the period part of the quote? Quotes and punctuation can be a tricky endeavor. It's commonly accepted that if the punctuation is not part of the quote, it can go outside the quotations.

You decide.

Page 2

Quoted Text BACK ON THE INTERSTATE TO SCENE

The story was alright, didn't grab me. Decent effort.

Quoted from LC Imagine the movie Body Heat with A/C. It wouldn't be half the sizzle it is. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/ Does everyone in the U.S. have A/C? Cause here in Oz new houses definitely do, but growing up it was a given that we'd just suffer during heatwaves. It was seen as a luxury not necessity. I went Outback a couple of times and my boyfriend's family would only ever turn the A/C on if it was well over 40°c. I was a soft City girl so I really wanted it on. Other countries like the UK have had no use for A/C - but would still suffer under freak heatwaves and not be able to just flip a switch.. You get the oscillating fan out! Of course some town-planners there are rethinking this after the recent heatwaves and global warming. But no, not everyone has A/C. Not everyone I know, anyway.

Maybe not EVERYONE is the US has A/C...probably alot that don't, but if you're in a decent house in a decent area, and have any semblance of money, you have A/C.

Here in AZ, when peeps lose power in the Summer, they an literally die...fairly quickly.

In fact, we have all sorts of insane instances where idiots leave a kid or pet in a hot car, and in mere minutes, they are dead...or close to it.

I love Body Heat, BTW.  Need to rewatch it and see what the deal was with the A/C, but that was many years ago.

Hi Dave,

As per usual, it's an easy read and well written. A sympathetic protag you can really get behind.

I know dialogue is normally your thing, but I think this was well handled.

It was a worthy contender for the top prize.

Quoted from Warren Hi Dave, As per usual, it's an easy read and well written. A sympathetic protag you can really get behind. I know dialogue is normally your thing, but I think this was well handled. It was a worthy contender for the top prize.

Thanks mate. Much appreciated