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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Weather Worn - OWC
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  Author    Weather Worn - OWC  (currently 1777 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Weather Worn by 0 - Short, Drama - The consequences of relentless heat.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, well done on entering this OWC.

The logline doesn’t really tell me anything about the story so I was lost at first. I think I’ve worked it out though (spoilers) there’s a heatwave on and faced with killing his own horses, a guy steals a water tanker instead with fatal consequences.

Nicely written, I could clearly visualise the relentless heat, the characters and action. A little repetitive with certain words but this is difficult when there’s no dialogue, so I get it.

There’s a couple of scenes where the lack of dialogue seems strange though, when he hijacks the tanker and when the police come to arrest him. It feels like these needed words to work and you left them out simply because the challenge said no dialogue.

But a decent effort, I enjoyed the read.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. I thought it was very well written and visual. I felt this guy's pain and I think this one will be remembered as one of the best.
Good job on meeting the challenge.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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irish eyes
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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The Title and logline don't do the actual script justice.

I thought it was well written and. Roy had an obvious bond with his horses and the soaring heat and dried up land painted vivid picture.

I think you managed to portray a nice sentiment at the end.

Well done


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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Good one, writer. Acts of desperation and what someone will do for what they love. You paint a vivid picture of the future conditions and easy to get the picture.  

Nicely done. Work on the logline, perhaps?
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stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Yes! The SUPER shows us clearly what the future is like in this. Really liked this one and the love Roy has for his horses is shown to great effect.  Well written!

One thing? If water is so precious and vital to life in the near future, would people still have things like smart phones? Or even fridges?  Wouldn't society have broken down more especially when stealing water is virtually punished by death?  Just a couple of thoughts I have lol



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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the end. I think you could condense this one to three pages and with some work get just as much bang for your buck. Several pages of set up could be cut down.

I think you should work on a more distinct voice because you understand story enough to create something thought provoking and, in the end, emotional. But I was wavering and not really grabbed until I got to the the very nice ending.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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One thing so many peeps don't understand - when you have a character description, it has to be set off within commas at the start and end, before going into action.

OK, so this isn't the 1st time I've seen something like this in this challenge - it's deathly hot, water is scarce, but peeps have electricity (here, as shown by a refrigerator - why don't they have A/C also?

We have another writer doing everything possible not to use "is".  Many lines read poorly because of this.  There are better ways around this and one is just using "is" when you need to.

Here you have peeps talking but you're not showing the dialogue because this is a no dialogue script.  That's a problem...or a cheat, actually.

Overall, this is a good effort and you did fairly well giving Roy character, based on the relationship with the Black stallion.  Writing is "OK", but needs some help in certain areas already mentioned, as well as missing commas.

Not the most unique idea here, but effectively pulled together.  Good job.
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Cameron
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer!! I guessed who you were last time you entered an OWC and I’m pretty certain I know you again! Shall tell you how once the challenge is over.

Anyway, pretty good script overall. There was one comma out of place, that’s about all I spotted. The writing style suits your story here, and I think that was deliberate so pretty clever.

A moment of critical thinking. I reckon you could have cut this down a bit. Now this might not sound like much, but the continual back and forward where we are getting told how hot it is, maybe lose a bit. A good cross comparison would be that 2.5 page long one of the lady stuck in the car (forgotten the name), which hammered home the heat but in far less of a space.

Anyway, that’s nit picking. I did like it, not my overall favourite thus far but still damn good writing and easily up there!

Cam
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SAC
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I'm being pretty liberal with my grading this time around and gave this pretty good marks. I liked the way it was written, and the story. Had a No Country for old Men vibe about your protagonist, and I liked the fact he only wanted to save his horses. Good work, writer!

Steve


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Nice visceral style.  Nice action description.  Fast and flowing.  So far, one of my favorites...  to be honest, not much to add... I'd only be nit-picking...


Quoted Text
We have another writer doing everything possible not to use "is".  Many lines read poorly because of this.  There are better ways around this and one is just using "is" when you need to.


Jeff makes a valid point, which he often does...

Ghostie



Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  August 7th, 2018, 2:59am
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realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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As if he somehow he knew this was inevitable.

Loved this line.

I liked this tale. The ending was compelling but the second act wasn't. The heist was easy. I wish you have thrown some suspense in there too. Other than that, that was a solid piece of writing.
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ReneC
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad at all. It's a compelling, emotional story, which is a feat in itself. Good job.

It felt strange that with water so precious and the source being so heavily guarded that the water truck had zero protection. The driver wasn't armed, he acted like nobody has ever tried to steal water before, the truck wasn't very secure...nothing about it rang true for the setting.

You have blatant dialogue without actually writing it. That's a cheat, for those who are keeping score. Personally, I don't give a damn, you at least tried to stick with the parameters of the challenge and they inspired a pretty good tale. However, the suspense requirement is lacking.

This would make a cool animated piece, especially with the look and acting you require from the horses. Sure, I've seen horses give inevitable looks (that's almost all they do), but you want to show them suffering and PETA would be all up in your face if you tried to do it for real, or it would be expensive to do it in post.

And sure, he gave the horses a good drink of water, but they're still as good as dead. A fitting end to a bleak story.

Nicely done, I enjoyed it.


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DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Great job, writer!

There are a few memorable characters in the contest - Roy is one of them.

Without uttering a word (technically) Roy goes from being a victim of a world without water to kind of a FU folk hero.  Roy is just about to do a humane act, given the circumstances, but does a 180, goes all Mad Max, and sacrifices everything for an alternate solution.  Although a temporary one.  I loved Roy's arc.

The writing was very good.  I liked the small blocks of action.  Very easy read.  
Parameters met.

Some nit picky things can be cleaned up.  Some issues with logic as mentioned above.

Overall, very well done.  Good luck.
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Zack
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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I've got really mixed feelings about this one. Sad story, but really solid. I felt for Roy and his horses.

Some of the action lines were a little awkwardly written, but I was able to follow along alright.

Nailed the heat. As for the no dialog, you have Roy speak to the truck driver in an action line. That's a fail in my book.

I suppose I liked this more than I disliked it. Really good effort.

Zack
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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Logline very vague but that's not always a bad thing.

'A dead COLT'. Had to google this. You live and learn.

Writing seemed pretty much faultless to me. It flowed well and you really nailed the theme of the challenge.

I enjoyed the build-up, found it tense, gripping and was genuinely intrigued to find out what was on the next page.

Wasn't overly keen with the pay-off at the end. If I gave a shit about horses it might have worked, but as it stands, I don't. Roy did though and that's what matters for your story. I really felt his plight and desperation and thought you did a good job creating a solid character within the page limit.

Really good effort.
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SteveUK
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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First things first, you need to come up with a better log line because it doesn’t do the script justice at all.

I really liked this, probably my favourite so far. You created a strong central character and managed to work in some genuine emotion with the bond between Roy and his horses.

You did cheat slightly with characters having discussions without dialogue, and I think you definitely need to add some in during the re-write.

There were the usual little OWC errors and a couple of lines that could be worded better, but overall I thought the writing on show was really strong. Nice work!
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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I like your title.

One spark away from a forest fire.--love this description

Old west Jesus... another great description

Oh wow.. loved this one. Great hit the parameters perfectly I think. GREAT writing here.

And I love the ending! Good job.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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My apologies but I read this in three sittings which is never a good idea, but hopefully you have all the feedback you need.

I felt this started off stronger.

A farmer, desperate to keep his animals alive, commits a crime and pays with his life, but saves theirs - well for now I guess

I don’t think scripts should be looked at in too much reality depth but as I wrote the above I felt that now he is gone, they are likely to go as well in that environment even if they have had a drink

I’m also not a fan when people suggest other endings etc, but...here I go. Something about this life and death wasn’t quite right for me, so instead I wonder whether he could become a highway man, a modern dick Turpin , just a Thought

For those heat manics out there, well it also ticked that box, so well done.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 2:29am Report to Moderator
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Well, that hit the spot! That's what I always say after a cold one on a hot day.  

Very nice, indeed.

Couple of typos, already pointed out to you.

Some very nice descriptions and a heartfelt story. Not much else to note except:

Learn how to write a logline so you don't shoot yourself in the foot before anyone second guesses this being a gem.

And:

Be inventive with constructing your descriptive sentences without repeating the character name over and over. I know that's not always easy, but it can be done and is a good exercise in itself to try your hand at. Obviously sometimes 'Roy' will repeat...

Roy’s eyes frozen on his rearview mirror. They narrow as he
spots the white dots of approaching headlights.


You could leave out the second sentence above entirely - his eyes are frozen, then they narrow.

So, it could be a combo of above and below:  Roy's eyes trained on the rearview mirror, narrow at the white dots of approaching headlights, hands choking the wheel...

Roy’s hands nearly choking the wheel as the Water Tank Truck
from the Colorado River lumbers by.


Or: Just leave 'Roy' off that opening sentence
Eyes frozen on the rearview mirror, hands choking the wheel. Approaching headlights gaining fast...or bearing down fast...

Play around with it. Fragmented sentences are allowed in screenplays to match mounting suspense.

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed this one.
Fits all the criteria too.

...
Perhaps it should be called: One Spark Away. or, hmm, I'll give it some thought, let you know if anything inspired occurs.


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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
... OK, so this isn't the 1st time I've seen something like this in this challenge - it's deathly hot, water is scarce, but peeps have electricity (here, as shown by a refrigerator - why don't they have A/C also?

Imagine the movie Body Heat with A/C. It wouldn't be half the sizzle it is.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/

Does everyone in the U.S. have A/C? Cause here in Oz new houses definitely do, but growing up it was a given that we'd just suffer during heatwaves. It was seen as a luxury not necessity. I went Outback a couple of times and my boyfriend's family would only ever turn the A/C on if it was well over 40°c. I was a soft City girl so I really wanted it on.

Other countries like the UK have had no use for A/C - but would still suffer under freak heatwaves and not be able to just flip a switch.. You get the oscillating fan out! Of course some town-planners there are rethinking this after the recent heatwaves and global warming.

But no, not everyone has A/C. Not everyone I know, anyway.



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LC  -  August 11th, 2018, 4:03am
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Even with AC it can get pretty hot.

Writer, the logline didn't really tell us anything. The title is... decent.

A few missing commas.

$112??? Do they expect anyone to live? How is that legal?


Quoted Text
a dead COLT


I was gonna say, "The gun???"

We meet our first character at the end of the first page.


Quoted Text
Old West Jesus


I like how you described his long hair and beard.

THE Black Stallion? The one from the book?

It's P.O.V., not POV. And you end it with BACK TO SCENE (unless you cut to a different scene/location, but most people don't do this).

Is the period part of the quote? Quotes and punctuation can be a tricky endeavor. It's commonly accepted that if the punctuation is not part of the quote, it can go outside the quotations.

You decide.

Page 2


Quoted Text
BACK ON THE INTERSTATE TO SCENE


The story was alright, didn't grab me. Decent effort.


FADE IN:
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Imagine the movie Body Heat with A/C. It wouldn't be half the sizzle it is.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/

Does everyone in the U.S. have A/C? Cause here in Oz new houses definitely do, but growing up it was a given that we'd just suffer during heatwaves. It was seen as a luxury not necessity. I went Outback a couple of times and my boyfriend's family would only ever turn the A/C on if it was well over 40°c. I was a soft City girl so I really wanted it on.

Other countries like the UK have had no use for A/C - but would still suffer under freak heatwaves and not be able to just flip a switch.. You get the oscillating fan out! Of course some town-planners there are rethinking this after the recent heatwaves and global warming.

But no, not everyone has A/C. Not everyone I know, anyway.


Maybe not EVERYONE is the US has A/C...probably alot that don't, but if you're in a decent house in a decent area, and have any semblance of money, you have A/C.

Here in AZ, when peeps lose power in the Summer, they an literally die...fairly quickly.

In fact, we have all sorts of insane instances where idiots leave a kid or pet in a hot car, and in mere minutes, they are dead...or close to it.

I love Body Heat, BTW.  Need to rewatch it and see what the deal was with the A/C, but that was many years ago.

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Warren
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

As per usual, it's an easy read and well written. A sympathetic protag you can really get behind.

I know dialogue is normally your thing, but I think this was well handled.

It was a worthy contender for the top prize.


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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Hi Dave,

As per usual, it's an easy read and well written. A sympathetic protag you can really get behind.

I know dialogue is normally your thing, but I think this was well handled.

It was a worthy contender for the top prize.


Thanks mate. Much appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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