It's Killer by Paul Stanley - Short, Comedy - When it's too hot to even think, sometimes a serial killer needs more than just death. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lol - nice one writer. It's tough to get suspense in a comedy but you managed it.

This meets the criteria in my opinion. It reads more like a comedy sketch than a short story, but it works.

-Mark

The writing is admirably visual and propelled me forward through the short.
One line that stuck with me: "He holds a large butcher knife." It feels flat for such a critical line. Something like "wields" instead of "holds" would liven it up. Or show him wielding it above his head ready to plunge.

You got suspense nailed, but I'm not really seeing the heat aspect in here though apart from the woman sunbathing.

Nice story though, written well, and was funny enough for me.

Ugh, you had me until he plunged the knife into her. I would've liked it more if he just got the girl. Otherwise, it read well and no complaints.

Good effort!

Very well written for sure. The story just didn’t do it for me though.  

I have two guesses as to who wrote this.

Fun fact: KISS did a song called "Killer." Coincidence or intentional?

Friday the 13th? I'm in.

"Ghoul s   snatches it"

Short, sweet, scary, funny. I love it! Congratulations. And please consider reuniting with Ace and Peter again.

Well written with nice visuals. You met the challenge with suspense without dialogue.
Maybe later you might turn this into something a little longer? Maybe even a feature?
Congrats on a job well done.
Cindy

I liked the hunk screaming like a girl.

It’s a simple sketch, meets the criteria.

Didn’t do much else for me, but strangely I feel there is a good longer sketch in there, lingering more with the dynamics between the three of them. Ignore the bartender.

Writerrrrr,

Funny writing, interesting concept (had a similar advertising style OWC entry not that long ago), it didn't really make much sense but I had fun reading it.

Nice one,

Cam

Not much of a story here so hard to give feedback. It's an advert parody I suppose? I just didn't get it. And I wouldn't usually post something without constructive feedback, but the reason I'm posting, is because I'd really like to know what the writer was going for here. So it's got my interest - and that's good. When writers are revealed I'd like to hear what this writer has to say about it.  

Pretty well written, it could work as a weird commercial for Gatorade. No real story, but it did meet the parameters.

Good effort.

Zack

Paul Stanley - Ha!!!!

Check out your opening passage - 2 completely different actions, unless this portable bar is right next to the pool.  Should be broken up, anyways.

If the Hottie is literally lying on the flagstone, her skin is fucked, cuz that stuff is HOT!!!!

When you have a POV, you need to return to scene.

Return of the Speedo!  YES!!!

Oh boy...a commercial?  With a violent killing at the end.  Riiiight...

Nope, not at all for me.  There's nothing here and this was a complete waste for me.

Well, for a two page skit, you went big enough on your comedy, but I dind't find it funny.  Not much of a story here... either.

Ghostie

I liked what you did here with the ending. But I wish you have stretched this tale a little longer. Nice attempt. You got talent and experience too.

Well... I was sort of enjoying this. I thought it was amusing, but it honestly felt like it was going to be a commercial until he stabbed her in the chest.

Not sure what else to say about this one. Not much of a story here. No dialogue, so that was good. Heat? Didn't really play a part, unless the Ghoul's face melted behind the mask.  

Interesting choice for the OWC. There's no story here at all, it's just a cheeky commercial ad. It technically meets the requirements, it's technically a valid entry, but not one I'll take seriously.

I could see it getting made just for kicks, so there's that.

Nice try though.

I felt this worked well within the challenge but not sure it would as a stand alone piece.

It's well written, well paced, unique and definitely one of the better ones I've read so far. Best of luck with it.

Writer,


A commercial huh? okay. It seems to have hit the challenge requirements so no issue there. Not a real "story" but it was light in tone and fun. And the Ghoul, besides a cool drink, got what he wanted--another notch in his body count belt. Good job!


Steve

Okay, so this is more of a sketch than a short, but it did make me chuckle in a couple of places.

Not really a story to this so it’s hard to comment in that aspect, but you pretty much hit the criteria and this was pretty well written.

Hey writer

It's good to see the front man for KISS is writing again.  Welcome back.

A short short.  Nice one.  

Decent suspense, but the heat factor fell short.  
The comedy was pretty good.  Hunk's feminine scream.  The Hottie - oh you just want some water?   But, when Hottie got stabbed for the IT'S A KILLER punch line,  you lost me.

Seems like this was someone's lesser second entry into the contest.

Nice job.  Good luck.

Love the title and I love your logline.

ok... so I about choked when I read... pregnant Python.

This reads more like a commercial than a story/screenplay.

I would've liked to see the hot dude run off screaming like a girl... and the girl bust the glass and slash the creepo's throat open though.

Good writing. Enjoyed the page count too.