SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:52am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Sam, I Am - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Sam, I Am - OWC  (currently 1246 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Sam, I Am by I.C. Kareem - Short, Crime, Historical Fiction, Thriller - A heat wave, a blackout, and a serial killer take their toll on three Studio 54 patrons on July 13, 1977. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Hello writer,

This one is whacky, waaaay out there man. It has a stellar cast and location. The writing had me confused. It was too precise on the action, describing the actors movements robot fashion. I had no idea what the GUN P.O.V was or where at first which threw me out of the story until the lights went out but by then I was skimming.

The biggest problem for me is it has dialogue. You have characters talking in the action. Which, for me, goes against the constraints of the challenge.

Bravo for attempting something so grand though and entering.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
irish eyes
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
Why are the names of the characters on single lines by themselves?

It was hard to keep up with the story because of the writing style.
Not sure why the Son of Sam was shooting at them wasn't his style but i guess you were tying in two NYC bits of history.

not a bad effort good job on entering


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Writing wise solid as they come. Story wise not my cup of tea. Don't think you need the celibrity characters.  Most importantly,  the heat seems irrelevant.  All the action could take place with or without it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
A pound of cocaine?!?!? Must've been a huge frickin' mirror!

What's up with the black void? And the gun POV? I'm a bit lost.

Who is the night vision's POV? A flashlight in her jean's pocket? This must've been written by someone that didn't live in the '70s. Those jeans were so tight that women couldn't put a credit card in their back pocket! Even with that, the '70s sucked.

Sorry, not for me. I'm confused as hell what just happened. Good effort and kudos for entering!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Yeah this lost me and its way towards the end. i don't know the full story of the Son of Sam case and it seems to be linked with a famous NYC blackout.

But the weather isn't a factor and you have dialogue. Not in the true sense but its there so...



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
Cameron
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Soooooo, writer,

Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me.

So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)!

Anyway, swing and a miss but I’m well curious to know who this is,

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 21
MGray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.02
I like the surreal tinge and would love to see this a few drafts later.
A few thoughts to ponder:
1] It says "the handkerchief" but no handkerchief has been introduced.
2] Who takes a flashlight to a disco?
3] Why does the guard pull a gun just to put it away.
4] Too much talking in the descriptions, not a contender for the no-dialogue challenge.
Keep going!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
CindyLKeller
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Well, I love The Stones, but it seems they did do the glam/disco stuff which I didn't care for.
You held my interest here with this story. It was nice to take a trip back in time.
I would like to read the rewrite if you do one.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



A pound of coke?  WTF?  How big is the table and mirror this is on, or is it that you have no clue how much a pound of coke is?

"GUN BARREL P.O.V." - MARLON - WTF?  Makes no sense.  First of all, how can we have a gun barrel POV?  Are you saying it's of Marlon?  Not formatted correctly.

Why is "MARLON" on its own line after the POV?  Are you trying to use A Subject Slug?

"BLACK VOID" - as a Slug?  WTF?

Page 2 - OK, so Clyde just arranged his pound of coke into a single line?  Damn!!!

Well, once you intro all these stars, I know it's time for me to make an exit.  I really don't care what's going to happen, as the writing is very poor and there's absolutely no story through 3 pages.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Cameron
Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me.

So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)Cam


Really, Cam?  Looks like 1 of us doesn't know what good writing looks like, as this is far from well written, easy to read/follow, visual, etc.

Funny thing is that I see alot of your reviews mention how good or flawless the writing is, when in reality, it's nowhere close.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 21
Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Wow. This must be a pisser.

Unlike Jeff, I didn't think the actual writing was awful, but there are some serious issues throughout.

And what's with the characters talking to each other in the action line!? Instant fail right there.

The story was just too out there and wacky for me to get into it. I was lost by the end.

Sorry to sound so negative. At least you got an entry in.

Zack
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
Lightfoot
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
379
Posts Per Day
0.07
I don't think there is a story to this one at all .... it's just sort of events that happen and end. Didn't really interest me a whole lot to be honest, I mean it wasn't bad, just nothing worked for with this.

The black void and later the gunbarrel p.o.v is strange. Do we see nothing but black then somehow see this barrel of the gun? Why is there a black void before the power cuts out? How can we tell the power is cut out when we only see the black void?

Good effort.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.04
She asks Marlon and Clyde if they have their own flashlights.

How did she ask that without dialogue while the place is pitch black?


There are some references that I didn't get. Maybe if I had the cultural background needed I would have enjoyed this more. Nothing to complain about except your attempt to convey what the characters are saying without dialogue.

I just didn't get what you were going for with this. That's why I couldn't enjoy it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 5:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
I assume based on real life events , in fact I googled the picture and saw various of Jagger, Warhol etc

I’ve read a few in the past that try and re tell old stories - seems a harder ticket than normal

This is also one of those that probably needed dialogue more than others.

I wondered if you told the story purely from the shooters POV it would be crisper, probably creepy and unclear as to what will happen and why. Just a thought. Could then be quite contained.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July 2018 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006