Beach of Intentions by 0 - Short, Family - Struggling to connect with his kids, a divorcee Dad conjures a plan to inspire them.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Couple things jump out immediately...

Not sure where this writer is from, but there are odd slangs and phrasings throughout.

Also, it's very apparent this script will suffer from the no dialogue parameter, based on the setup and interactions of the characters.

There are an awful lot of problems with the writing here...the phrasings, the sentence structure, missing commas, etc.

There are also numerous examples of situations where there would obviously be dialogue.  In fact, there are even places where you say someone is talking, etc.  Doesn't work, as you're simply avoiding dialogue, not writing a script with no dialogue.

Slugs are incorrect throughout.  You can't use Mini Slugs the way you have here.

Your asides are also a real killer here and so out of place.

The end?  Huh?  I don't get it...at all.

Sorry, but once again, not for me at all, sorry to say.

Heh, heh, hey, writer,

So, Family is a genre now? Okay, let's try to work with that.

I'm so sorry, I tried and tried and tried. This just doesn't work for me, it's too fluffy in theme, staccato in writing style, and then all of a sudden there's just random madness that crops up. If you'd stuck Comedy down as a genre I'd have believed you!!!

And for some reason, don't ask me why, I can't get the montage from Naked Gun out of my head. I think it's because it also is fluffy on the themes, offset against a serious filming style.

Anyway, it's not for me. Someone might love this, I kinda love it for the wrong reasons, but it just is a bit all over the place.

All the best,

Cam

Out of the shoot:

Quoted Text ROB, 40, weathered builder with hard hat, dashes out the gate and runs to his battered old car.

Weathered builder stuck me as an odd description.

There are format and some typos throughout.

For me, the story should end with the construction bulldozers building the world's best sandcastle.

AND - to beat a dead horse.

The weather drives none of the story or the characters. It's a day at the beach. One in the forest. Not DQ ing, but's a real stretch in my mind that this meets the challenge.

This was a cute little story. I can see this more as an animation with thought clouds above their heads. There were some very klunky lines, for sure, but a revision would take care of that.

All in all, I liked it. A nice story and I felt for the father. Good work, writer.

Some typos and formatting issues but I liked it. It met the criteria for me and was a nice tale of an underdog coming out on top.

Nicely done writer.

-Mark

Met no criteria with the weather or non dialogue. Cute idea overall but not handled the best. The notion that no one would notice the rising tide is hard to swallow.

I like the concept of it - outside of the challenge requirements - but it needs a rewrite

Lovely choice of a theme, wanting not to disappoint the kids.
Like others, I can't see heat as a factor here.
A couple disjointed things like Susie wiping the care door handle. Not followed up on.
Also, I think your montage and series of shots may be more effective with fewer items. I think viewers would get the point with fewer.
This needs polish, but it has heart. Keep going!

I thought it had a sweet charm to it, despite some of the problems others have mentioned here.

Ghostie

Writer,

Okay. I'm a little lost as to what I just read. If the kids are pointing to a sign off screen - which I think is what you had - then how do we know it's a sign? get what I'm saying? The ending didn't seem to make much sense, and what happened earlier, while cute, just didn't cut it for me. Nice try, though!

Steve

This was kinda cute. It read a bit like a silent movie though with Dawn pointing at her watch and yelling silently. Nothing wrong with that if that was your intention. Imo, you don't need to have her point at the watch, we know what's going on anyway.

I also think that the story should end with the sandcastle. Playing indians with bow and arrows in the woods just can't top the giant sandcastle and being rescued by the coast guard.

Not much heat involved other than them being on the beach.

Lots of typos and such, but still a cute story.  

Hey,

perfect title, never heart those words before and for sure I wanna know what it means… logline is okay

page three has some nice visuals, then in the next part, I didn't find anything of what happens possible and question why Rob didn't notice the tide. Sure, it happens fast but still.... All in all, not bad. I like the well-minded expression. The sand castle, coast guard part, felt off and rather complicated to manage. A huge sand castle to impress his kids itself could be an interesting picture and even feels doable. In the end I'd say it's okay.

One page in and I already know the no dialogue parameter is going to be an issue.

A lot of pointing, screaming, shouting and waving arms about doesn't cut if for me.

Quick read through to the end. Not sure what it had to do with the theme of the challenge.

Writing seemed okay but completely missed the mark for me.

>> Angry ex wife
I'm not sure about this one. How can the director tell the audience she is his ex?
>>Susie wipes the handle before getting in.
Nice touch. Too much said in one line. Well done.

That was a nice tale of a father trying to impress his kids. I think the flashback scene is misplaced. We should have known about the warning beforehand.
The father failed eventually but he gained his kids' respect and love a little. I wish you have made him fail miserably so we won't expect the kids' reaction at the end.

That was a good attempt.

Not bad, but you should have quit while you were ahead. This could have ended with the successfully built mega sand castle and it would have been a heart-warming story about a father making a real effort to do something nice for his kids.

Instead, it goes further to show that despite the best of intentions (yes, the title works) he's still a colossal screw up. So, since that seems to be his lot in life, the ending tells me someone is about to get murdered in a hapless archery activity, but at least he had good intentions. This is far darker than it pretends to be!

The no dialogue is a cheat here. You wouldn't film it this way. You could have made different choices with the action, with the camera, with timing and it would have worked.

Still, this has the potential to be a good story. More than some other entries. Nice job.

I like the idea behind the montage but it needs to be written better. Little light as is to follow along easily.


Tatty sofa? Dumper truck? English second language, typos, or foreign slang I don't know?

Very abbreviated writing. many people write too much but this is the opposite. It's too jumpy with the limited descriptions to really make sense for what is going on clearly. The large sand castle lost me totally. Did they drift to sea? Was it fantasy.

Maybe a new writer. Good job on entering but keep at it if so.  

Cheerio, writer
As I suspect you are a friend from the UK.  


I really like the theme here.
A dad who doesn't have much to impress his kids with, finally reaches them by using his own skills, and realizes the importance of spending time together.

I think the theme would have been stronger if you had ended with the huge sand castle, with onlookers snapping pictures and such.  Or some reporter putting a picture of the castle and the Dad and kids in the paper.  I feel he should have triumphed with the sand castle, not failed.

It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm sure you can clean this up nicely.


Well done.

RE: "People talking without speaking," I think you're taking the challenge parameters too extremely. You won't let a character so much as move their mouth. By your rigid standards, EVERY SINGLE silent movie ever made would be disqualified in this challenge. Shame.

Nice title.

"ex[-]wife."

Who names their son Pete 10 or their daughter Susie 12? How many Petes and Susans do they have? How many do you need? (Ages should go in parentheses or offset by commas. The choice is up to you, the writer.)

Not until this challenge have I ever heard of a backpack being called a rucksack? Is that a regional/UK thing?

A few missing words and odd phrases.

Kiosk - noun - 1. a small open-fronted hut or cubicle from which newspapers, refreshments, tickets, etc., are sold. - 2. a small structure in a public area used for providing information or displaying advertisements, often incorporating an interactive display screen or screens.

The British definition - a telephone booth.

Archaic - (in Turkey and Iran) a light open pavilion or summerhouse.

I couldn't imagine any of these having ice cream. You mean an ice cream truck or stand (like at a carnival)?

Is it "ice creams" or "ice cream" plural?

WTF are "ice lollies"?

END OF MONTAGE

END OF MY INVESTMENT IN THIS SCRIPT

Out on page 1. Sorry. I don't get it.

I also think it should have ended with the sandcastle, and like others have said, dialogue would have helped this as I got lost while reading and had to read some of it over again.
Not too much heat...

Cute title...

breaks should be brakes (I think)

Some odd descriptions you are using here... caused me to go back and read twice on some of them.

I like how you start out with the guy obviously running late for something... really moves the story forward and sets up a mystery card from the get-go.

I do find myself at least caring and rooting for the father to impress his kids. So kudos on that.

I think you should have ended with the success castle instead of going into the woods...

Could be really cute with a rewrite ...

Good job.

This script is simply a reflection of  the joy of writing. Wish it were better but it is such a reminder...for me.

With a couple of hours left I decided to have stab at another, warm hearted efforted. Left field stuff...then brave enough to enter,

Gosh, it’s flawed, and error driven - but it has been a long time since I felt the joy of having a go, writing wise..

And in the end, it has achieved something for me.

Thanks all

Quoted from Reef Dreamer This script is simply a reflection of  the joy of writing. Wish it were better but it is such a reminder...for me. With a couple of hours left I decided to have stab at another, warm hearted efforted. Left field stuff...then brave enough to enter, Gosh, it’s flawed, and error driven - but it has been a long time since I felt the joy of having a go, writing wise.. And in the end, it has achieved something for me. Thanks all

That's what counts, Bill.  To thine own self be true, and enjoy what you put forth.

Kind of funny, and maybe completely different, but I often say to my girlfriend after I crack myself up, "Well, I'm glad I can entertain myself, at least."