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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Too Hot - OWC
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  Author    Too Hot - OWC  (currently 1135 views)
SAC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 7:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

This reads more like an updated but classic silent film style short. I think that was your intention here. At first I thought it was gross that this guy way using raw meat to cool himself off, but then the absurdity of the story came to me with the silly silent film angle and I kind of enjoyed the rest of it. Liked the ending with the AC being unplugged. Duh! Anyway, pretty good, but lacks oomph!

Steve


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realxwriter
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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I loved this short comedy. The character had a clear goal and obstacles from the get-go. If I am to complain about anything I would say there should have been more funny moments in the story.

This was a good attempt. Thanks for participating.
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ReneC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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The first couple of pages were boring, but it did pick up once the antics in the store started escalating. I wish there was more of that and fewer beats where the most dramatic thing happening is two people staring at each other.

This could work if you go full Looney Tunes, really amp up the physical comedy. Think of the guy as Bugs Bunny and the store manager as Elmer Fudd, and the angry lady as Daffy Duck, and you've got yourself some comedy gold. (Obviously don't rewrite it with those characters, just be inspired by them.) And if you aren't old enough to remember those classic characters, they're coming back so you'll learn what I mean soon enough.

As it stands, this isn't very good but it is a good effort to meet the challenge.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Out of the gate I LOVE THIS concept. Could use a better title maybe.

Really like how you started with the heat being an issue. Great use of the parameters here IMO.

with bewildered -- probably typo

Thinking it may've been harder for Charlie to get in the store and to act like a normal shopper if he was, for example, homeless... they always try to run homeless people off.. but a regular Joe (or Charlie) could hang out in a store forever

Charlie picks up the meat and presses it against his cheek,
his forehead. --OMG LOL at this. Love this visual.

I do LOVE the end where the AC wasn't even plugged in ...

Great little comedy here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. I will probably do a rewrite pretty soon.

Thank you again.
This was a lot of fun.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
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HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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