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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  A Taste Of Hell - OWC
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LC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MGray
Be very careful with your editing. A script with a typo ("lay" instead of "laying") right at the start would very likely be rejected by a busy reader.

You know, I don't know about that re 'lay'.

I read the mistake in Pro scripts all the time re lie v lay. Even the so called experts don't seem too fussed. Too many song lyrics - Eric Clapton, you're one culprit with your 'Lay Down Sally'.  

In this case it's actually not 'laying' but 'lying' on the beach...

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

...

Anyway, this is an interesting story to say the least, and a very different creative take on the challenge.

a feng shui moment. ??
Isn't this a system for design for your house, design elements to encourage luck, love, money? Yes, it literally means wind and water but it sounds like your guy is momentarily enjoying a moment of Zen/meditation - calm before the storm.

Being buried up to your neck in the sand with the tide coming in is a truly terrifying image.

Eli Roth did it to great effect most recently with Keanu Reeves in Knock Knock.

This has some potential but it ain't there yet. That 'buried' scene is suspenseful and the highlight, but the rest of the  narrative is a bit like a Salvador Dali painting - a bit too surreal to make sense of, but you might like the look of it all the same.

Yep, redraft into a very simple story about a dad being buried (by his kid) in the sand and that kid being distracted, falling asleep, off playing etc., while the tide's coming in, and you're on to something very tense and suspenseful  similar to 'Curve'.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 9th, 2018, 12:46am
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realxwriter
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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>>a gust of air that would impress the big, bad wolf.
I love this line.  
This was an entertaining story. I loved the standoff with the crabs. I loved the horrifying climax and the eerie ending. But I didn't like the fact that both of those were in the same script. I mean the humour in Jeff's fight with crabs made me misinterpret the genre of the script. I thought it was a comedy. That somehow everything Jeff was experiencing was just an illusion. A delirium. However, this wasn't the case. Now you need to pick a choice. Is this going to be a dark tale or a bright one? The shift in the tone threw me off.

If I am to vote for which road you should take with the rewire I'd say definitely dark horror. I would make Jeff encounter a more threatening enemy than just crabs. I would also highlight the danger his daughter is in much earlier. Also, how about giving Jeff fighting chance against the sand tomb? To add to the thrill of the final scene.

I love your imagination. This was a really good attempt. Very well done.
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ReneC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Decent writing on display (a few errors aside) and you can tell a story, but like most others I'm left with more questions than answers. I guess that was your point, to not explain and leave it up to interpretation, or a what if scenario where something truly out of this world happened and the immediate reactions to it. But it's not entertaining, it's just off-putting, and despite flirting with truly horrific things nothing of consequence really happened. Except that guy who got killed by a frisbee, and I'm having a really hard time with that.

Visual, but not visceral. This could have been truly dark and disturbing, but like I said, it's just mildly off-putting. I do appreciate how you handled the no dialogue restriction though. Way to tackle that head on.

I wonder if you have an answer for what happened...

Anyway, not bad, but not great either.

The crabs reminded me of The Dark Tower.
“Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?”
   — Lobstrosities


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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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earthshine gold beach --what does this mean?

Good job getting the heat in the beginning... good use of parameters

One minute Jeff is mute the next he can scream down the beach?

I am not sure I understand what has happened to Rose... one minute she was burying Jeff in the sand and now she is submerged. How did that happen?

There is a good story in here.. being buried in the sand while it's the hottest day and the tide coming in is very cool idea... just needs some going over this one and it will be good I think.

Good job.
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey there writer

As mentioned there are some problems with grammar and spelling.

This reads like an extra weird episode of The Twilight Zone.  Many of those shows defied logical explanations - you just had to go with it to enjoy it.

That said, weird events alone do not make a good story.  Expand on it.
Dialogue will certainly help.  
Maybe Rose buries him in the sand and gets mad at him.  She storms off not realizing the tide will be coming in.  Whatever.

Not sure what would happen if the planets alligned with the sun, but I think Jeff got away lucky.  
Side note:  Is it common on SS to name a characer Jeff and then torture him?

Also, Rose is somehow buried in the sand along with Jeff?  More weirdness?  

I'll give you suspense and heat.  The no dialogue was a stretch.

Overall, not bad.  Good luck.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 12th, 2018, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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If not for the title, I wouldn't have known they were in Hell or what was really happening.
Maybe if the beach cracked open and fire came up, then go to them being frozen in the sand???
Visual writing, but didn't know exactly why.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 13th, 2018, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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I have no dog in this fight, but it doesn't mean I can't place my bets.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.

Sometimes fiction has to be more real than reality.  This was very weird.  It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone... half-way through, I was hoping Rod Serling would show up... and provide some narration, becasue I'm not quite sure what to make of this, but given the parameters...

Imagination... its limits are only those of the mind itself.  And based on this... your imagination is unlimited.  That's a compliment.

Ghostie


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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All I can do is apologise for this mess. The idea was, what if some normal guy enjoying a wonderful summer day on the beach experienced a few minutes of hell. Hell as in, the place of the damned. He hasn’t a clue what has happened or why, he’s trapped in the sand, there’s no sound, not even from the wind and his screams are mute. Everyone has disappeared, apart from his daughter who is also trapped. He’s totally helpless, totally clueless, attacked by crabs and then he has to watch his daughter drown. Just as he’s drowning, he’s back to reality where he discovers that not only was this not a dream, but everyone on Earth has experienced their own version of hell; some fatally.

That was the idea anyway, but I was a bit too successful with the immersive ‘not having a clue what was going on’ experience. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to get thrown by specifying a common type of coastal crab and think it was actually a ghost though lol. I should just put CRAB and not try and be clever.  

As for the formatting and spelling. I give in with Final Draft, I really do. Sometimes it formats the title page weird when I save as PDF, sometimes it adds extra pages. This time it did both and also seemed to merge in a previous draft with several typos. It was my own fault for not checking the final pdf file. My bad, sorry!

- Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I honestly didn’t expect anyone to get thrown by specifying a common type of coastal crab and think it was actually a ghost though lol. I should just put CRAB and not try and be clever.


Mark, the problem is that you first intro'd them as "crab".  Then, a few lines later, they were described as ghost crabs.

This is exactly what can happen when you change things up for no reason.

You get me?

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I think I'll bury myself in the sand.....didn't even realise I'd put sand crab, I was convinced I'd put GHOST CRAB.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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