Intriguing logline.

Writing seems solid enough.

On page three and I'm not sure what this has to do with the theme of the challenge.

Page 5 – 'All the friends rush over to help her'... but don't say a word?

Skimmed to the end.

An ambitious effort for a week with a lot going on. But it didn't relate to the challenge in any way as far as I can tell.

I have to agree with the others about the heat even though I liked the script.
If you rewrite this, I believe dialogue would be a benefit that would clear up some of the confusion.
Cindy

>> It’s a long-range photo of JOSEPH, 35, white collared professional. A sniper’s crosshairs on his head.

Too generic.

Well, there was so much story in those six pages. That's a good thing. But there were some cliches moments in there. I also find it hard to believe that she would google his name that late in the story. The biggest sin in here is that we've seen this before. A hitman gets a change of heart and finally muster the courage to turn on his boss.

This is still a good attempt. Well done.

LOVE the title...

And LOVE 'female assassin' This is going to be good ...

No FADE IN

BOOM - eyes wide open, change of plan. -- I do not know what this means? Is the Boom like a gun? Or what?

I do like that she kills Grey in the end.. but I think this would read almost better if we see this chronologically instead of the flash. Also I think it's almost too big a story for 6 pages... all the backstory etc... could maybe trim it down to one mission... or her LAST mission... taking out the man who made her an assassin or who killed her mother or whatever ya know.

Overall ... this has good potential. Enjoyed reading.

Good job.

Hey, writer

Although this premise has been done to death (isn't there an Assassin genre yet), I liked your attempts to make it seem original.
I thought making the assassin female was a good move.  I also liked the music festival setting.

I didn't get the Carla ghost or Carla 2 character.  Could anyone else see them?  I really don't see the need for them.  They derailed the story for me.

This definitely has legs as a longer piece with dialogue.  There's so much you can do with a three day music festival.  That would give Carla more time to get to know her victim, sympathize with his cause, then make the choice not to poison him.
And just think of the soundtrack!


The weather was a no-show, and the no dialogue really constrained this from taking off.


Nice effort.  Good luck.

It's not a bad story, but I don't buy it. Why is this the first time she's struggled with killing someone? And why Joseph? There isn't enough here to suggest a transformation or to suggest that there's anything about Joseph to bring about this change in her.

The no dialogue was okay at first, but it felt missing from the scene where she averts Joseph's death with people coming to help her. The image of death was neat and worked well within the story, but again, I don't get why it was so gung ho for her to kill and then so happy that she didn't.

Not a bad entry, it has potential.