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Shortlisted by Lukeecerf Bord - Short, Action, Thriller - While waiting to be interviewed, a young, struggling father finds something that will turn his life around in ways he didn't expect. - pdf format
The intro here is very strange, to say the least. We're in some "neighborhood", and you make it clear that it's a nice neighborhood and it's dawn, and of all things, a Blonde in a bikini walks by carrying a surfboard. WTF? Is this a pisser? I mean, I just don't get it...at all.
The use of the CCTV Camera is a total cheat to get around not having dialogue.
Your asides are very annoying.
If the action happens OS, how can anyone know what's going on? Totally incorrect.
Not sure if this is supposed to be a serious entry or not, as it makes absolutely ZERO sense. Not for me at all. Sorry.
I thought this one was written well and I enjoyed some of the descriptions.
I also like the story how it went around and came back on itself.
There was definitely suspense here, but the weather didn't really play a big part other than a blonde in a bikini walking by. Well, Brant sweated a few times, but...
I didn't quite get the beginning though with the figurine on the window sill.
If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!
If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!
But about this script. I think this one could have been good with dialogue but the story seemed forced without it. The brief made this one tough even though the writing was good, I feel like this was a story for another brief.
Was doing exactly that as you were writing this, my friend. And as I said - I well may be proven wrong. If you're script is awesome. Excited to find out!
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Mmmmmm, drugs are bad, mkay? Good, now we’re on top of that, the script.
It was alright actually. The story had suspense, there was some runny, smashy, shooty stuff, I was never bored. However, what the hell did they hire him for? He found some blow and cash, went on the run for a bit and then pissed himself! It was like an odd version of No Country for Old Men.
Really not sure what went on in the end, but I still actually quite liked it.
Quite an inventive story which was quirky but I liked it. Some clumsy writing, I'm not sure if the writer's first language is English as some of it is weird while some is quite inventive and vivid.
I liked the tale, I wasn't quite sure how he got the job as he failed and got caught but I liked how it ended. You managed to fit a lot in 6 pages, suspense, a bit of humour, emotion; the lot!
Yeah the CCTV camera was sneaky but I liked it. The scene heading threw me off though with all the abbreviations, I still don't know what M.O.S means but I got the jist.
A good solid effort, even if the summer and heat is tenuous.
-Mark
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Lots of action here. Poor guy wanting to get closer to his child.
It does need cleaning up, but so does mine, and a lot of the others. Not so hot, but there was suspense.
As for the story, it was one of my favorites. I really liked the ending. You got me. It's nice to read an ending that was unexpected.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama