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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  We Are All Dust In The End - OWC
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  Author    We Are All Dust In The End - OWC  (currently 1602 views)
Anon
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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Nice job.

Expensive song rights and special effects etc. would make this tough to film but that's just a general comment - did not effect my score. I think this one hit the brief. As mentioned - perhaps you should crank the 20 Celsius up. Could have been a bit leaner. I know what you're doing, having a big build up to the GREAT bit of irony at the end. But perhaps it could have been done in a shorter more intense fashion. Just my personal taste.

And perhaps it would be better to make it so the wife is running with the letter but doesn't quite make it to the car before he blows his head off. I thought that she would be able to convey a message to him though the windows despite the loud music. But that's just a friendly suggestion and in the right hands it could still work as written.
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SteveUK
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Well, this is the second bleak farming story in a row that I’ve read, and man was this bleak!

It gets a little prosey, but was fairly well written throughout, although a little too dense - being able to split some of the paragraphs and increasing the page count will probably fix this though.

It felt both authentic and powerful, and the bittersweet twist at the end was a genuine kick in the balls. Good job!
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eldave1
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Best title of the challenge, IMO.

Met all aspects of the challenge.

On the story - very much a fan of the tale for the most part. There are some things I would change but really not right or wrong - just my preference. They are:

SPOILERS

The ending:


Quoted Text
CLOSE ON: A crow lands near her body and pecks at the phone, pushing it over. The screen is open at the text message: ’Your Centrelink farm relief payment has been approved and processed. Funds will be electronically transmitted to your nominated bank account


Not a fan of this. I mean I like the fact that they went before the good news (missed by just that much). But would have preferred something a pit more poetic. Maybe like - as the crows peck at her, the skies darken - followed by a drop of rain. Then another - and another. Then:

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated


Speaking of the song:

1) You will have copyright issues but you know that.  For purposes of this challenge I think that can be ignored. I liked it.

2) Would have liked it even more if it was peppered throughout a little more rather than just in latter part of the script. e.g., it would be an effective opening as he is killing the sheep.

So story wise - solid stuff. Now to the technical aspects.

Thought the two SUPERS and the OVER BLACK opening would have been more effectively communicated with the use of a single SUPER.  i.e.,

FADE IN:

EXT. FARM - AFTERNOON

Brown paddocks surround a homestead and outbuildings. The blue sky is vivid, cloudless, the sun a small yellow disc.

SUPER:  NORTHWESTERN NEW SOUTH WALES  - JULY 2018.  WORST DROUGHT SINCE 1900

There are typos and grammatical errors throughout. Examples:


Quoted Text
EXT FARM – AFTERNOON
Period needed after EXT



Quoted Text
EXT.FARMHOUSE – AFTERNOON


Space need after EXT.


Quoted Text
The FARMER(50)steps onto the verandah.


Need a comma after (50),


Quoted Text
EXT.DAM - AFTERNOON

The dam is big...fifty feet by thirty, five feet deep.


One of my pet peeves – no need to repeat the place in your header and action – it’s redundant. Should be something like:

EXT. DAM - AFTERNOON

Big, fifty feet by thirty, five feet deep.

Or something akin to that.

Sad, poetic story - I enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ReneC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was a kick in the teeth. Now I want to slit my wrists.

This is a bleak, hopeless tale. You accomplished what you set out for. I'm not sure why everything had to die, it became gratuitous and started to lose its effect. There's only so long we can cringe before we switch off, and this pushes that limit. I was definitely skimming through the long, drawn out suicide. Way too wordy, just get on with it. None of those pretty words translate to the screen.

I was wondering where it was going, and just when I thought it was going nowhere you drove the last spike home with that text message. Well done.

Except for one thing. I assumed the text was from her husband, speaking his intentions. But it wasn't. You said her eyes were sad earlier, was that just because of the mercy killing of the animals? Or was it their intention to kill themselves as well? It's not clear, which is too bad, because if that was the plan then you should make it clear that she read that text message, their salvation. They don't have to go through with it. Only her husband has killed enough and wants to end it and he's in the ute and she runs to tell him he doesn't have to go through with it only he thinks she's just changing her mind and does it anyway. And with that, she kills herself too, because what's the point without him?

That would put this over the top for me. Make it truly tragic, instead of questionably tragic, because as it stands we don't know if she actually read the text and him killing himself seems selfish. Make it a death pact that could have been avoided if that text had come just thirty seconds earlier.

Despite the waffled ending, this is one of my faves for premise and writing, and it has great potential to be even better. The no dialogue worked perfectly. Great job.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Drought from hell in the logline... good job.

After Pia said that bit about what's happening where some farmers are having to slaughter their animals ... I am so happy that someone wrote about this... sort of... but in their own way. I mean it's very sad and I hate seeing an animal killed but that gut feeling means something like this ... works.

Ok this is VERY WELL written... maybe one of the best in the group I think.

One thing... there was nothing I could remember reading about them waiting on the farm relief payment to come in... but it seemed more this was caused by the drought... soooo to me it may've been more ironic if it began raining right after she blew herself away.

Another double suicide. I like dark stuff.

Very very good script here. So sorry I ran out of time a few hours ago and had to leave because this would've made my top three.
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