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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  MQ-LC4 - OWC
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  Author    MQ-LC4 - OWC  (currently 1091 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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MQ-LC4 by 0 - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - Heat was just the beginning of the end.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Well...now THAT was ambitious. A good story that needs to escape the limitations of this OWC. As it is, it's okay. It needs to be written without restraint.

For this, there's no need to name the characters as it's totally lost if filmed the way it stands now. Not a big fan of the telemetry either and not sure that it's even necessary. I think we would get the gist without it. Maybe not the context but we'd know that shit's hit the fan.

Also, I think the bug-zapper effort should be expanded or elaborated. It would be a cool security system if the house was in a dome of electrified mesh.

Good effort, but like I said, the limitations just didn't do it justice.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Great script that read like a script, not prose. Precise descriptions of actions and objects. It had heat and suspense. Good story that I think this writer should think about turning into a feature!

Nitpicks. I don't think you can see someone's eyes through a welders mask. They are VERY dark. Also, I didn't get why the girls slept in separate bedrooms. You'd think after something traumatic as this has happened, they would want to be near each other.

Great work!


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MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Cool idea.
I would be impressed to see the ideas from the telemetry words done visually through a quick montage instead.
Nicely visual. Definite suspense and heat is key.
A couple smaller things:
1] When she is attaching things to a mesh wall held up by ropes it's a little confusing, as we can't envision what the ropes are attached too.
2] At the end, wouldn't it be better to say "She is small. And alone. But mighty" instead of "She is small. But mighty. And alone"?
I enjoyed this writing. The story didn't make me want to read this particular piece more than once, but I would definitely be interested to see what else this writer comes up with.
Nice work!
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Met the theme for sure - nice.

Not sure you need a title card on a 6 page short

Writing - solid, efficient - crisp. Someone who knows what they're doing.

Interesting concept


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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WOW!  What's with the the Title Page?  Very cool, actually, but also a bit distracting.

Let's see what we have here...

Well, the "telemetry" scroll is interesting and sets everything up, but in a no dialogue 6 page script, is this already too big a concept?

Personally, I am very against using "we" in scripts, but there is a time and a way it works, and it works here.

Writing is quite good.

A title card on the bottom of Page 1...of a 6 page script?  A little much, don't you think?

As I said earlier, the writing is very good, but then we get this - "Figure stops breathing. Can see widened white eyes through the tinted welding shield." - which is very poorly written.  It just really sticks out compared to what we've read so far.

OK, calling this character "Figure" doesn't work at all for me and is very annoying, actually.  You're also using a bunch of fragments now and they do not read well.  Most can/should be connected to the previous sentence with a comma, and things will look better and actually read faster.

OK, this is continuing and it really irks me, as I see now that you literally trying to avoid using a subject (character's name, he, she.etc).  I'm sorry, but I hate reading stuff that's written like this.

Although the names of the 2 girls are unique and cool, they're so close, it's tough to differentiate the 2...but...in a no dialogue script, these names would never even be known in a filmed version.

The asides are making this an even tougher read now.  ARGH!!

OK, the end.  Well, for me, the great concept here doesn't pay off like I was hoping, but it's a good script still.  Writing isn't for me and was tough, actually.

But, overall, this deserves respect.  Good job.


Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  August 5th, 2018, 1:44pm
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CameronD
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline is not a logline. It's a movie poster.

The opening scrawl needs work. I think this is supposed to be serious but the way it's written sounds very corny.

One of the strangest scripts I've read here. Killer Terminator mosquitoes! The writing is off in places so perhaps a first draft. "She races out. Points the torch into the sky. Trained on the fucking MQ-LC4s." huh?

It's ambitious but silly as these killer mosquitoes are written so absurdly they become comical instead of dangerous. All the apocalyptic tropes are here. It's full of over the top gore.

It's not a terrible script and the execution of the idea given the parameters are about as good as can be expected for a week of work. But that's about all I can say. Not for me. Left me very indifferent.


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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there. The writing is decent. One comment on that. People in this world are often told a staccato style is the way to write and any action block over 4 lines is a sin. Thing is if you manage to get above a 5 buck an hour reader no one gives a shit about that. Some may disagree but that’s been my experience. But EVERYONE gives a shit about visualising your script in their minds.. Which is why each action block is generally one shot. I notice you sometime break something into two blocks of two lines when you’re still describing the same shot. This doesn’t help us visualise it on screen. So yes - keep things tight and the word count down - but not just for the sake of it.

I think a little change to the intro of your premise could make this much better. The idea that people thought the problem of too many deadly mosquitos should be sorted out with a zillion robot deadly mosquitos is not one that would get past the drawing board. It’s original! But doesn’t make too much sense and has fuck up written all over it. But if the concept is some foreign power designed these things and set them loose to destroy America ... yeh okay that MIGHT make sense. Then they just wait for everyone to be wiped out, hit the kill switch, and hooray the country is concoured. Point is - really cool idea - just make it more believable and you’re good.
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred
trees. Abandoned cars dot the freeway.


I think you can cut "leafless" as the trees being charred gives us an idea of what happened and what they look like.

"We did not speculate it would choose killing us over its own kind"

Made me wonder how programmed nanobots could change their minds, unless this is a world with advanced robotics.

The writing was really good in this one and this is the second apocalyptic story that I think would be better as a feature length script rather than a short. Especially this one, I think this is an interesting take on man vs machine and the story here is far too big for a short.

Good work.
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SAC
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Very good! Suspense, heat, and a very original story. Not much bad I can say about this. This is my fourth read and clearly the best so far. Unless something blows me away, this one will be tough to beat, IMO.

Steve


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Got to agree with the consensus on this one, well written -- very visual.  Interesting premise, too.  It's definitely something I wouldn't mind watching... if it were a feature.

Ghostie


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Cameron
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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I ain't no sci-fi fan, but that intro hints at something a bit special here.

The visuals are exceptionally strong, the story feels like the end to something, however. I really would be keen to see this blown up into a feature or a pilot, so long as the standard was maintained.

Pretty bloody impressive, well done writer.

Cam
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LC
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Every now and then there's a gem of an entry and this is one of them!

Love the pic on the title page. All about the 'sell' and it does it for me.

Have you seen the episode of Blackmirror – Metalhead? https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5710984/

If not, watch it. Great suspense all the way through,  inspired by the Boston Dynamics 'dogs'.

Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred trees.
This opening sentence needs tweaking. 'blacktop distorting leafless' I think perhaps the comma placement is making me read it wrongly. ... distorting leafless charred trees. Hmm...

‘telemetry words crawl'
Are these words sign-posted as we travel along? Or floating and superimposed over the screen? I visualised it in my head that way and know the principle of telemetry but wonder if I'm seeing what you envisaged. Effective nonetheless.

I think you could specify how big the MQ-LC4 is. When it’s hovering above the crow it wasn’t clear to me. Great
stuff with the crow and the intestines etc., but consider it falling over dead after ‘It hemorrhages from its eyes and beak. Profusely.’

Give ' figure ' her name at the outset.

Love the way the MC regenerates. Nice.

Stops connecting extension cords ? Pulls out or yanks? Needs a stronger verb imh.

INT. PRYNNE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – Suggest you add a LATER here.

Love the exploding MCs off the wire grill.

I'd have them sharing the same room. You can work around that. One of them standing guard at all times etc.

Secures it in her tool belt. To her toolbelt?
She scans (the) area.

Wow! The rest of the action is brilliantly tense and suspenseful. I love that they’re mosquitoes, the image of the artificial syringe-like proboscis is frightening. No-one likes needles.  

I'd tweak some of the opening rundown.

A few impudent suggestions, if I may, which you can take or leave:

Something like:
During the Summer of 2050, global warming reached crisis point claiming an alarming number of human lives.
To combat the heat, we began seeding the clouds with silver iodide to cause rain.
But with (the) rains came hoards (typo) (hordes) of mosquitos.
unleashing an Arbovirus of epidemic proportions)  or: a single-cell parasite causing an epidemic of unseen proportions.
The common garden variety mosquito earning the moniker: world’s deadliest animal.
We fought back (by) creating a perfect genetically engineered soldier –
-The MQ-LC4, a mosquito-like nanobot drone assassin.
We did not (could not) speculate (speculate is too static imh) (What no one could foresee) or: (what we did not anticipate was) or: we could never in our wildest dreams anticipate the nightmare that followed - that it would choose killing us over its own kind (breed).
We had created (a monster) our own hell: (a living hell, our own living hell) or: a living hell of our own making or:
sealed our fate with a weapon of (of our own destruction) mass destruction.

(When) the national emergency warning went out no-one was prepared for what was to follow:

The fight for our lives...

Thoroughly enjoyed this and would love to see it filmed.
I have a feeling it has a certain someone's stamp on it too... We shall see.

Congrats on a fine effort.


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irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Excellant read.
Used the heat to great effect.

I enjoyed it from start to finish. Very suspenseful and detailed.

One of my favs so far


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with everything Libby said!

I LOVED the Metalhead episode of Black Mirror!! Tense stuff... and almost no dialogue except for the beginning.  


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Sci-Fi - I'm in my element!

I love the graphics on the title page. I am very surprised no-one took offence. In previous OWC's folks have had fits when anyone has tried to get creative with the title page.

The telemetry is not needed here at all. First off, it seems like it is cheating a bit in a no dialogue script but it's not required. We've all seen so many dystopian tales with killer robots we can figure out what is going on without the unnecessary explanation.

I'm not a fan of the writing in parts. There's too many figure spins around, figure takes off, figure picks up boot slowly, figure races, or multiple sentences that start off with the same name in a row. This jarred me out of the story at times.

As for the story, it's one I have seen many times. I see from other comments folks would like to see a feature of this but really, the killer robots have been done over and over. I see the Black Mirror epsiode Metal head was mentioned. That is one example. Also, there was actually a Black Mirror episode featuring killer bee drones that was very original and different from the norm.

Replace killer mosquito drones with zombies and you've got this type of scenario repeated many times in programs like Walking Dead.

Don't get me wrong, this is a very good effort and well executed for the most part. Any issues with the writing can be easily sorted in another draft. But if you want to make this stand out and take it to the next level, I would suggest have it follow a less familiar and predictable path.

-Mark  


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's easy to see there's a talented writer behind this with a good imagination.

Can't say I overly enjoyed the story but that's purely down to personal taste and the genre it's set in. I can see it worked well as a whole and abided by the challenge so it's a solid effort in my books.

A few things that bothered me a little while reading:

I had a hard time picturing some of the action sequences that occurred on page 2 in the pasture - 'A wall of metal screen held up by rope and farm tools.', for example. Maybe adding a little more detail like the scale of this would help make it clearer.

'Figure takes off in a mad dash for a farmhouse. Stops connecting extension cords along way.' I couldn't get my head around the extension cord bit? When did she start connecting them? Might just be missing something.

And at the end, wouldn't Pilar explode like the crow at the beginning? If one needle in its back caused blood and feathers to coat the screen, wouldn't a hundred do a similar thing to her?

Anyway, good effort. Can see this doing well.
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stevie
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Another futuristic one that at least has the weather impacting! Woohoo!  Although it’s sci fi-fantasy with the global warming, its set up nicely.

I think the author has been heavily influenced by a Michael Crichton novel Prey? That involved killer nano bots. Anyway it’s pretty cool idea with the metal mossies.  I was taken out of it a little with the odd names of the sisters? And their homemade suits seemed comical but effective I guess.

I liked this one simply because it adheres realistically to the requirements so it will be up there along with maybe 3 others that did the same. That’s my choice in voting and I’m sticking to it!! WOOHOO!!!



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Decent effort.

Big, bold, futuristic etc I for one love the front page stuff. Usually reminds me of a certain writer..

A few sci fi films come to mind on this bleak, human defiance against an evil future etc

For a short the start is heavy, but I get why you had to do it. In a way this shouts out being a feature rather than a short, or even longer short.

Bottom line, th earth is plagued by bad mosseys- that’s ok, that’s alright, concept wise. That’s could work. Reminds me of the swarm.

I also applaud the ending - life is shit and it doesn’t get better . End of.

Well done.



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realxwriter
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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The opening is grossly fascinating! Well done. I'm not sure about the superimposed text though. Maybe we could have done without. We'll see.

I'm not sure about the dancing when they find the food. They are kids but trying times can make anyone mature at an unexpected pace.

Small and alone, yes. Mighty? I don't know. I genuinely think she is fucked. She won't survive the evening. But who knows.

Ok, I thought the premise was very creative. I could see this turning into a feature film. Killer robotic mosquitoes sound like an amazing villain. Maybe not robotic. Since I find it hard to believe that the army couldn't defeat them while a teen did that much damage to them with a blow torch.

What I liked most about your tale is how realistic was the characters' interaction with their world. It felt like an authentic piece of life from that world. Yes, it was a sad ending but it made sense. The odds are insurmountable. If I'm to suggest any improvements for the second drafts I'd say stretch the suspenseful moments out more. That's the heart of this sci-fi horror. So play to your strengths. Makes stay on the edge of our seats longer. Also, mollify the grim ending. Show us hope for the little kid. Maybe a hint that another group will find her. Or she will find them. Or someone gets to her at the last moment before the killer drones get her. Because like I said, the way I see it now, that girl is fucked.

Well done. Thanks for participating.
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LC
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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Kyle is right. Pilar should technically explode, just like the crow.

Thanks though, Writer - for sparing us (and her sister) from that graphic image.  


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SteveUK
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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This was well written and very ambitious. There were a few errors and missing words here and there that made some lines read awkward, but that’s easily fixable.

This is a great concept and could definitely be expanded and improved upon when taken out of the OWC restrictions.

One thing that did irk me was the log line - you have such a well written script and fantastic concept, but you don’t sell it at all!

That aside, I really enjoyed this – definitely one of the better entries. Great work!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Ambitious sci-fi? I'm in. Don't know what the title means, but it sounds cool, looks cool. I'm game.

The logline reads more like a tagline, which is what you'd see on a theatrical poster. ("The night HE came home"; "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water"; "In space, no one can hear you scream"; etc.) A logline, conversely, should briefly describe the plot.

I love the logo graphic thingy. Normally, this is a no-no, but a lot of great artists break the rules.

telemetry - noun - the process of recording and transmitting the readings of an instrument.

I already know who wrote this -- James Cameron. Come on, Jim, don't lie.

"Roadkill" can be one word. But then again, I'm arguing with the guy who created The Terminator.

proboscis - noun - the nose of a mammal, especially when it is long and mobile, such as the trunk of an elephant or the snout of a tapir.


Quoted Text
Ta-da-tap-tap. Ta-da-tap-tap.


The Terminator Theme?

I'm getting Katniss and Primrose vibes already.

"Heartbeat" is one word, Mr. Cameron.


Quoted Text
Thump-thump! Thump-thump!


Sounds like this heart will go on.

I love the parallel shots of them racing to each other's empty bedrooms. Oh shit.

Could she be alive? Will her heart go on?

*standing ovation*

Mr. Cameron, you've done it again. I've been a fan since T2. This is another masterpiece from the man who brought you The Terminator and Aliens.


FADE IN:
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ReneC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very ambitious indeed, but really well done. You've set up a convincing world with a plausible premise. It's not just a good read, it's something I'd really like to see, if there were more of a story.

The characters are a little shallow. We see them in pure survival mode, so there isn't much more to them than that except their love for each other, but that doesn't amount to much. The older sacrifices herself for the younger, as expected, and that's it. Obviously you couldn't give this an epic story in so few pages, but from this we're told it's all doomed to keep on going like this until they're all dead. There's no hope, there's only survival, and they can't hope to survive. And if that's the case, I would have liked to have seen it in the characters, something of that reality affecting them. Prynne barely reacts to Pilar's death, which might have been you attempting to show just that, but it doesn't, it only shows a lack of character. That moment should have been much bigger.

The no dialogue worked great for the first half of it, but once the girls were alone and especially when they were already on the run from the bots, it was sorely missing.

Great premise, great writing, a great all around effort, but ultimately too ambitious. I did enjoy it though, and it would work well outside of the OWC.


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