Hey, writer

I liked this one.  A very effective horror script.
The countdown gimmick worked for me.  

You need a better reason for him to enter the cave.  Chasing a pet dog perhaps?  That would also explain ignoring the DANGER signs.  Have Dave find his dog sniffing at the wall where the 13 is written in blood.  Something spooks the dog and he runs back out.  The countdown begins.

Some of the numbers are a stretch - the swimming trunks especially.  The numbers have to be more obvious for the audience IMO.  They are not reading the script. They only see what Dave sees.  

I like the pacing here.  Dave catches on to the countdown and suspects something terrible will happen at zero.  His fear increases with each number.

When we finally get to zero, Dave is dead.  We all suspect this would happen, even Dave.
I would have Dave pack up and leave the cabin at 5, trying to escape his doom.  However, the numbers follow him. After a false sense of security, Dave stops at a diner, and the waitress hands him a check with a number 4 on it, and the countdown resumes, no matter where he tries to run.


The contest parameters of heat shown by sweating is weak, but the suspense is great.
And the silence makes perfect sense.

Very good writing here.  Good luck.

This ticked all the boxes for me.

Well-written, well-paced. Absolutely nailed the suspense element of the challenge. Heat played its part to a satisfying degree and the no dialogue parameter worked well without feeling contrived.

I liked that there was an air of mystery about the whole situation and was glad you didn't try to over explain anything.

Best of luck with this. Was a treat to read.  

That was a good attempt at a horror short. I like the countdown device. It was creepy. What this story is lacking is Cyrus not fighting back in a smart way. All he did was to doddle the numbers on a piece of paper. I would have loved to see him search the internet for any backstory about the cave or why it is dangerous. But just being scared and running away wasn't that entertaining.  The conflict was one-sided. The lead didn't have a fighting chance. Also, you didn't make us care for Cyrus. That's why his misfortune had little to no impact on us emotionally.

Please don't suck. Please don't suck. Please don't suck. …

Title page actually has the title on it. And it's perfectly centered. However, the title is not in ALL CAPS.

The use of the word "the," as Jeff bemoaned about, is small potatoes in my book. "The" can easily mean "a" when first introduced. I don't see the problem here.

However, I do agree with the bed/bathroom thing. He'd have to be taller than Shaq (and have ludicrously long legs) to pull off that feat.

Quoted Text Cyrus emerges from the cabin, letting the screen door bang shut behind him.

Don't let the backdoor hit you in the boo-tay.

What kind of pack? A backpack? A pack of gum? A pack of cigarettes? a six-pack? A pack of wolves?

I understand wanting to center the sign, but it reads as:

Quoted Text DANGER. DO NOT ENTER.

...which looks like a character named Danger is saying the line, "Do not enter." This should be left-aligned like the majority of the script.

Quoted Text Cyrus sucks

I know she does. Her Achy Breaky father isn't exactly Frank Sinatra, either.

Usually, the only transitions you use are FADE IN and FADE OUT, because every scene is assumed to be a CUT TO.

Too many orphans could inflate the page count.

Quoted Text He sits up and shivers, rubs his arms for warmth.

I know that feeling, lol.

Normally, you should avoid bold* or italics. *However, bold slugs have become popular here. I don't really mind them as much as I used to.

"well[-]lived-in"

Quoted Text A digital clock blinks 12:00.

Haha, just like a VCR.

I'm starting to notice a countdown. That explains the bold numbers. Okay, I see where you're going with the numbers.

Quoted Text A BUZZING sounds from the other room.

Quoted Text A tire swing hangs from a tree next to the lake. Someone had planted a stick next to it. Together, they form a number 9.

Number 9... Number 9... Number 9...

*Backwards*

Turn me on, dead man...

Quoted Text His swim trunks lie in a perfect 8.

How? With the legs standing straight up?

Quoted Text He turns to return inside but stops short.

Too many "turns" for my taste. You might try to rewrite this to avoid redundancy.

3? Oh shit. Almost there.

1. Oh shit, what's gonna happen now?

Zero. You forgot to FADE OUT.

This was actually a solid script from an obviously skilled and clever writer. Definitely a top favorite. Congratulations. Are you sure this was written in a week?

Love the forewarning: Do Not Enter

Love the number 13 ....

Absolutely LOVE the way you used the numbers to increase tension and suspense.

I really really think you should have called this '13' ...

Great script. Not much to complain about here... would be easy to film. Nice job.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to review this, and thanks for making it one of the writer's choices!

As I said in another thread, I latched onto this premise in the first day. The script was written the next day. And then I went over it and over it trying to make it work, because this was a real stretch. And I almost got there...but not quite.

Excellent notes were given.

- I should have made you care about Cyrus more, definitely.
- The countdown being noticeable is something you're either on board with or you aren't, it's just pattern recognition, but more can be done to make it truly stand out.
- I had flirted with the idea of having something written in the cave, some little ditty foreshadowing what was to come, but wanted to try to leave it open for another interpretation: that there's nothing going on at all and he killed himself running away from an irrational fear. That was behind every number, that it could all have been coincidence, that other numbers were appearing too (he reset the clock, for example) but once you see a countdown that's all you'll notice. But that was a lot to bite off convincingly in six pages and I had to compromise on it.
- Him ignoring the sign at the cave entrance so casually was, in my mind, because he's so familiar with the area. He's probably been in that cave since he was a kid. But it might have been a mistake because the audience has no way to know that. I'm on the fence about it.
- Yes, I repeated using the clock, but using everything around him in such a natural setting was a stretch already. The clock and the cell phone are simple and logical ways to show numbers visually.

The no dialogue wasn't the challenge, although I would probably add a line or two of disbelief in a rewrite, maybe yelling out into the woods asking who's there. Some way to react to his growing fear. I thought he would make a phone call, just to say something weird is going on, which is where the 5% battery on the cell phone came from, and then 4% and power down. I pictured him starting a conversation and his phone dies. Convenient and effective.

Anyway, all this to say I agree it needs work and I appreciate how much you all enjoyed it despite its shortcomings.

Quoted from ReneC The no dialogue wasn't the challenge, although I would probably add a line or two of disbelief in a rewrite, maybe yelling out into the woods asking who's there. Some way to react to his growing fear. I thought he would make a phone call, just to say something weird is going on, which is where the 5% battery on the cell phone came from, and then 4% and power down. I pictured him starting a conversation and his phone dies. Convenient and effective.

Very much like that idea.