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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Change - OWC
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  Author    Change - OWC  (currently 1109 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Change by Nobody Important - Short, Drama - A passive but opportunistic ice cream clerk jumps at the chance to impress his secret crush when his chance arises.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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Revision History (1 edits)
Grandma Bear  -  August 4th, 2018, 11:16am
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Another comedy...interesting, as I'm just picking these randomly.  I hope this is funnier than the 1st one.

2nd passage not well written at all.

4th passage very odd, as you're describing action outside your Slug for no reason I can see.

Writing is not good throughout.  Awkward.  Passages not correctly broken up.  The no dialogue thing is not helping here, as again, like the 1st script I read, this feels like a silent movie, and not at all natural.

Why in the world would any employee allow someone to take their tips?  Makes no sense.  This isn't remotely funny or entertaining.

The CUT TO BLACKs are completely unnecessary.  The RING A DINGs are annoying.

Missing commas throughout.

This is becoming a real struggle, but I'll finish it.

OK...uh...I had to skim the last 3 pages.  I see zero comedy here.  Writing is very poor throughout.  Passages not written correctly at all.  The no dialogue thing does not work with this story at all, and the story itself is very dull and unrealistic.

Not for me at all, sadly.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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It was not supposed to be comedy, so I have deleted that part.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
It was not supposed to be comedy, so I have deleted that part.


Gotcha.  I'm glad it's not supposed to a comedy.  

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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A cute little story but not so much my taste. Thomas is pretty much a loser if he didn't figure out to clean out his tip tray every time Aiden entered the shop. He must've been quite the looker for Jill to want anything to do with such a wet rag.

No complaints. It would be difficult to order ice cream without dialog. Summer heat was really just the season. It didn't seem to have any influence on what took place.

Good job, writer.
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ReneC
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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This seems to be an allegory, which is fine, but I'm a bit confused about the overall message.

Aiden is the vanilla ice cream, plain, there's no depth, what you see is what you get, and that's nothing good. (Do you have something against vanilla?)

Thomas is mint chocolate chip, complex with hidden depth, exciting only in that he's the opposite of vanilla Aiden.

You call this piece change, and Aiden is always taking "Change" but no one changes. Even Jill in the end hasn't demonstrated change, except she takes initiative for the first time by going to Thomas. Unless this fair is their entire world though, even that's hard to believe.

At first I thought "You can't just leave out the dialogue!" but as an allegory it works, it just took a couple of pages to see where this was going. I could see this with exaggerated expressions, almost caricaturist gestures.

My biggest complaint with the story is the ending. Thomas is so pathetic it seems almost unjust that Jill returns to him in the end. He has no spine. That's where I'm confused by the allegory, what message does that deliver? Violence is not the way? If Aiden had decked him and he fled, Jill would have seen Aiden for what he is and returning to Thomas would have made sense. Jill's the one who attacked Emily, so is Jill even worth Thomas's time if he's so anti-violence?

Like I said, I'm confused by the ending. The rest worked for me.


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MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts:
1] a "handful of change" indicates their hand is full. I think you might mean something more like "a few coins."
2] I can't really find a reason to like Thomas. I dislike him a little from the start, in fact, because he doesn't thank the customer for the tip. That's not a huge deal, but it's not until later that there's even a hint of a reason to like him...I like how he encourages her to look up at the sights from the ferris wheel. That's cool. But it makes me wonder why he likes her so much. Is she just cute? Who needs to be told to look up from a ferris wheel? Maybe she's scared, but then it should be harder to get her on there.
3] There's no one to root for here. It's a little depressing, actually. I wouldn't want to spend any time with any of these people.
4] Rather than a short written for no dialogue it feels more like a short with the dialogue removed. I can't imagine the fight scene with no one saying a word. It doesn't feel natural.
Keep going! The setting is rich and you can make this work!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Warm hearted.

Writing could be clearer and slicker, but we get the message

Actually I quite like that  Aden wasn’t as cliched as it could be

Overall. Good hearted boy gets girl etc  the right man wins etc

I suppose the question is what else did it bring, you know, to stand out

Fair work, but needs an edge to shine

But for a week, fair work.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Found this a chore to be truthful (no offence to the author!)  By that i mean that the size of the font seemd bigger than normal and took me out of the read.

The weather has no impact here but the non dialogue wasn't a prob for me and I didn't even notice no one was talking lol.  The four main chars all seem like flogs to be honest and I didn't give a rats about them.

But some will see a cute little tale and perhaps the message that Rene alludes to



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eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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This one dragged for me. It's not helped by the fact that you knew where it was going from the beginning.  I think it would help by getting there quicker.

Also a few things that just seemed unrelated to the thread of the story. e.g,


Quoted Text
The two of them run off. As they do, a FAMILY WITH KIDS
walks up to the Freezee Cream store, it’s lights off and a
CLOSED sign in the window. The kids begin to cry.


Could be deleted without really changing anything in the story. As a side note, kind of makes your protag look a bit prickish.

Anyway - this one met the parameters. Had issues with the pace.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Hmm. Thomas is a real pussy -- watching Aiden steal his tip money all those times! Anyway, I enjoyed the writing here, and thought it was paced well. I've seen peeps commenting -- not just on this script -- but about spots where the characters would obviously have some dialogue. That is no different here, but I felt the story itself had this lighthearted way about it where it didn't seem to matter much to me. Anyway, there could have been a better story behind all of this writing, but wasn't. Still, I kinda liked this little tale. Good job.

Steve


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Lightfoot
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Was kinda hoping that Thomas was going to stick it to Adrian and learns to not be a coward. Oh well, wasn't the kind of story you were going for I guess, but Thomas did seem kind of cowardly to me.

Writing was a bit wordy, but worked for me.

I imagine that Thomas wasn't working for that ice cream store for much longer.

You can probably make this a lot shorter than what it is with cutting a few things from it, but as is it's not a bad story.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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This was a bit of a chore to get through in places but not because the writing was bad as it wasn't.

The stealing of the tips became repetitive, maybe deal with this quickly in a montage? I also didn't understand why he didn't do anything at all about the thefts.

True story -  I worked for the digital side of Auto Trader for 5 years!

Anyway, it was called Change so I thought the tip jar and this theft was going to be important in the story; it wasn't. I became a bit confused  as to who was who when both couples where in the same scenes. Even though there's no dialogue, you could do with making each character stand out more.

In the end nothing seems to have changed so it fell flat for me. But it seems to fit the parameters of the owc.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer

This is another case where I couldn't help but think of a silent movie with either Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton trying to win the girl from a big douche canoe.

The contest parameters are  barely met IMO except for the lack of dialogue.

I thought Thomas needed to be more likeable for this to work.  It doesn't matter how much of a creep Aiden is, you want Thomas to win Jill's heart because of his personality, not just because he's the only other guy in the story.  Being a dick to the customers doesn't help his case.  Something small -  like Jill sees Thomas giving a small child a free ice cream cone after his drops to the floor .   Thomas' kindness may spark something with Jill because Aiden in less than kind.

I think Thomas retreats at the pier more out of embarrasment than anything else. That's understandable.  

With a minor rewrite and a more likeable Thomas, this would make a very good short film.

Nice job.
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Cameron
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Writerrrrrrrrrr,

Well that was cute, there's two scripts about fluffy cats here but that was cuter than the pair of the them combined. Actually, one of the cats explodes so that ain't cute at all! Anyway, your script.

I liked it! Slightly confused by some of the reviews but each to their own. The story is nice, and I actually liked the repetition at the start, but where it slightly falls down is the size of the overall work.

Dave mentioned pacing, and especially when writing a max 6 pager this is going to be key. You could have taken a good chunk out of this, resulting in a better final read, making the whole experience a much smoother one but retaining the story.

Tiny quibbles. Stick an END on it at the very bottom, and maybe some of the more technically minded could confirm this, but do you need a FADE UP after conducting your CUT TO BLACK's?

Anyway, overall I think this is good and it made me smile. I'd have actually classed it as a Romcom rather than drama, but I liked it.

Well done,

Cam

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Grandma Bear  -  August 9th, 2018, 4:14am
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