I'm def not a rules person but this is the fourth script I've read without a FADE IN... just looks better to have it IMO

This was a cute little script. It seems a slow read but if filmed would film faster I think.

I love the way you used the Black screen to separate each little scene.

Good job writer.

Okay story that fit the challenge at a push.

A bit repetitive in places. The three scenes on the bounce where Jill and Aiden enter the shop at the beginning could have been handled better. Maybe break them up with a brief scene to show how lonely Thomas is. Or develop his character a little in some other way. Because as it stands, he, along with the other three characters, aren't memorable in any way.

The logline states that Thomas is passive, and that couldn't be more true, but I don't think it works if he stays that way throughout the whole story. Have him react a little more on the pier. Even if he gets ten shades kicked out of him afterwards, just showing that he's got a bit of backbone towards the end would go a long way.  

Good job for a week but wasn't a stand out for me.

>> The taste is amazing.
Show us, don't tell us. How did she react to that amazing taste?

The bit with Thomas and Jill having fun stretched for too long. Good times in a story should be brief before they get interrupted by some sort of conflict. I'm also not satisfied with the fact that Thomas didn't have to do much to win her heart. He was just there for her when she needed someone. The climax of the girls fighting wasn't strong enough. I was hoping for something more dramatic.

Well done for participating. It was a good effort.

Upon skimming through the reviews, I will give this a one-page trial read. If I like it, I'll continue until the end or the point that I bail, whichever comes first.

Here we go.

As already stated by others, no FADE IN. Is this a new trend I'm not aware of, like those bold slugs that have been around a while?

The "RING A DING!" part (which should be hyphenated) doesn't bother me as much as it does Jeff, but remember that this isn't a Batman episode.

Quoted Text On the outside

All of this should go on a separate line, as it's a new idea (and thus, a new shot).

The second instance of "RING A DING!" I would replace with

Quoted Text The bell DINGS again.

Not only is this not Batman, but you should avoid redundancy. Also be careful about repeating things in a script. It can be effective if done well (suspense, horror), but it can backfire if you overdo it. In your case, you're pushing it.

Quoted Text ... (no space) and scrambles to attention. (line break) In front of the counter

Again, two different shots written into the same paragraph. I see it as a medium shot of Thomas followed by a medium close up of Jill and Aiden. (Of course, don't write blatant camera directions into a script. Write implied ones instead using the right words and formatting. Write it in such a way as to imply the shot without telling us it's a shot.)

"Cute as a button" should be hyphenated, as should most multi-word adjectives. Same goes for "cash-stuffed".

"CUT TO BLACK." Normally, the only transitions you would use are FADE IN and FADE OUT. In some special cases (used sparingly and wisely), you can get away with other transitions. Just remember, though, that every scene is implied to be "CUT TO:".

There's that "RING-A-DING!" At this point, I'd cease using the sound effect, or I'd use a variation. A simple "DING!" would be fine.

First page wasn't as bad as I thought. Let's move on to page 2.

Quoted Text with Thomas in between on his side

Huh? What do you mean?

Another CUT TO BLACK.

Okay, NOW the RING-A-DINGS are getting annoying. Again, I'd change it up.

Quoted Text In her prom dress[,] Jill

Quoted Text Aiden[,] in his tux[,]

Quoted Text Disgusted[,] he flicks

Quoted Text Jill turns away to eat her cone. (break) A large glass TIP JAR has replaced the tray. (break) Undaunted, Aiden dips his hand into the jar. His hand swishes the change at the bottom. (break) With all of it in his grasp he pulls his hand out to reveal Thomas’ long sad face behind the glass.

This one paragraph consists of four different shots. Break it up into four sections.

"Ring-A-Ding!" gets more and more annoying with each instance.

Quoted Text Another slow night [shift].

Finally, the heat element, besides the ice cream-related plot.

End of page 2. It could've been better, but it wasn't bad enough to make me bail.

Quoted Text As Jill’s hand reaches to pick it up[,] another hand

You need to work on your commas.

"Its" lights off or "It is" lights off?

Quoted Text Covered in bright lights against the mirrored waters of the ocean

This reads a bit prose-y and flowery.

Quoted Text the Ferris Wheel spins round and round.

You spin me right round, baby, right round
Like a record
Right round, baby, right round

Quoted Text As the ferris wheel spins in the background, a convertible BMW with the top down pulls into an empty handicap space. (break) Dressed to impress, Aiden turns off the car. (break)[Aiden s]miles at EMILY (16), his pretty new girl, seated next to him.

"Ferris Wheel" or "ferris wheel"? Ferris is a proper name and capitalized. You need to be consistent.

It's "handicapped" parking, though "disabled" is preferred.

You've combined three shots into one paragraph. Again, break it up into three lines.

Fist bump and no ticket. Must be best bros.

Quoted Text Jill is impressed.

Speak for yourself, Jill.

Again, it's "Ferris" with a capital F.

The writing/formatting needs a lot of work, but I'm not quite at bail point yet.

Quoted Text JILL’S POV (break) Slowly peering over her feet to reveal [T]he blur of the pier’s bright lights below. (BACK TO SCENE)

Learn how to write a P.O.V.

Quoted Text Eyes wide and excited, Jill can’t believe the sights around her. (break) Thomas smiles and points out places of interest to her amusement. (break) The speed of he wheel blurs the scenery lights into something magical.

One paragraph, at least three shots. Rinse, repeat.

Quoted Text The towering Ferris Wheel spins. Below, Adien leads Emily by the hand through small corridors with the crowd.

This could be one, two, or even three shots.

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill wait[,] stuck near the end of a long line for the bumper cars that crash and bash behind them.

You need commas.

Quoted Text As BUMPER CAR PASSENGERS disembark[,] the BUMPER CAR OPERATOR catches Thomas in line out of the corner of his eye. He smiles and waves him up at him.

I get four shots out of this.


1. BUMPER CAR PASSENGERS disembark
2. BUMPER CAR OPERATOR catches
3. Thomas
4. BUMPER CAR OPERATOR smiles and waves at him

And what does "waves him up" mean?

Quoted Text Emily gives Aiden a severe stare of disappointment in front of the store’s CLOSED sign. Angry, Aiden checks his watch.

Luckily, this could be interpreted as one or two shots., preferably two shots so that we can see the CLOSED sign, Emily's disappointed face, and Aiden's angry face.

Quoted Text Bumper cars swirl around Thomas[,] who scans for a victim.

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill exit the ride and walk past Aiden and Emily at the back of the line unseen. Her arms crossed, Emily glares at Aiden[,] oblivious on his phone.

Luckily, this can all work as one shot. It reads a bit convoluted, and I would rewrite it, make it less wordy. Something like:

Quoted Text Thomas and Jill exit the ride, not noticing Aiden and Emily at the back of the line. Emily, arms crossed, glares at oblivious Aiden, his eyes glued to his phone.

Quoted Text EXT. FUN FAIR PIER - NIGHT The lights from the pier reflect

Redundant.

Quoted Text The lights from the pier reflect out onto the ocean water. The small silhouette of a fishing boat silently moves across the water. A large pair of fingers encroach as if they were to crush the boat.

This is a decent example of how to write a shot without calling it out. This is exactly what I stated above.

Wow. In all this, this is the first orphan I've seen.

Quoted Text Aiden spots Jill holding Thomas’ hand. His blood boils. Fists clench. Teeth grind. Chest puffs.

I was gonna say that 5 was the best written page so far, and then you threw this at me. You've jumped the shark. There's no going back. This is so over-the-top that it reeks of a pisser. This is about as bad as this little gem from Shortlisted...

Quoted Text He swings at him but Dominique dodges each of his punches like freaking Mohammed Ali [It's Muhammad Ali, but that's beside the point.], then he headbutts him.

Well, Fonzie, you've jumped the shark and we all know what that means. Time to bail. Up until this leaping over of Jaws, this script seemed a relative "masterpiece" (and I'm using that term ever so loosely) compared to some of the worst scripts I've attempted to read in this OWC.

Congrats on entering, though.