Writers Choice

4.10 A Beautiful Day by Alex (Anon)  writing as  - Short, Action - A crash victim tries to escape her car before it cooks her alive. 2.5 pages.

Writers Liked

3.78 Weather Worn by David Lambertson (eldave1)  writing as  - Short, Drama - The consequences of relentless heat.

3.70 MQ-LC4 by Dena McKinnon (PaleYellow)  writing as  - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - Heat was just the beginning of the end.

3.44 Damask Memories by Cam Gray (Cam Gray)  writing as  - Short, Drama - A pregnant refugee fights with the authorities and European winter for the life of her unborn child.

3.39 The Cave by Rene Claveau (ReneC)  writing as The Number Thirteen - Short, Action, Thriller - Some signs should not be ignored.

3.33 Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy by David M Troop (DaveTroop)  writing as S. I. Lentz - Short, Comedy - During the dog days of summer, Max the beagle must invade the neighbor's backyard to escape the sweltering sun.  The only thing stopping him is an adorable kitten named Fluffy.

3.28 We Are All Dust In The End by Steve McDonell (stevie)  writing as  - Short, Drama - A farming couple face the consequences of the drought from Hell.

The Rest

Tunnel Rat by John Staats (JEStaats)  writing as Only the Don knows - Short, Drama, War - A US Marine encounters unexpected perils as he clears an enemy tunnel.

Rain Check by Kyle Bowler (Kyle)  writing as  - Short, Drama - An ageing farmer struggles to cope with the harsh conditions that are decimating his land.


Wish You Were Here by Jeff Bush (Dreamscale)  writing as  - Short, Drama, Romance - Dallas and Marci are just trying to beat the Florida heat on a romantic weekend, but sometimes life gets in the way.

Killer Vibes by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer)  writing as  - Short, Action - Sent to a music festival to perform a hit, a reluctant assassin struggles with both the mission and the unknown foe that stalkes her.

You Should Be Ashamed, Richard by Cam Gray (Cam Gray)  writing as Huge Rant - Short, Comedy, Romcom - A trappist monk has to confront a past trauma in order to attain true love.

Pergo's Beast by Mitchell Gray (Mgray)  writing as  - Short, Drama - A lonely young woman escapes into the night as a shaggy beast, but the other costumed nightwalkers shun her when her head comes off.

Riot Time Knock Off by Steven Clark (StevenClark)  writing as Pepe Roni - Short, Drama - On a hot Summer day, a lovelorn man has only one solution.

Shortlisted by Ammar Salmi (realxwriter)  writing as Lukeecerf Bord - Short, Action, Thriller - While waiting to be interviewed, a young, struggling father finds something that will turn his life around in ways he didn't expect.

It's Killer by Steven Clark (StevenClark)  writing as Paul Stanley - Short, Comedy - When it's too hot to even think, sometimes a serial killer needs more than just death.

Change by Cameron Dueker (CameronD)  writing as Nobody Important - Short, Comedy, Drama - A passive but opportunistic ice cream clerk jumps at the chance to impress his secret crush when his chance arises.

A Taste Of Hell by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw)  writing as Dante on the beach - Short, Horror - When all the planets in the solar system align with the sun, the Earth is briefly transported into another dimension. As it does, a father playing on the beach and his daughter gets to experience their own personal hell.

Beach of Intentions by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer)  writing as  - Short, Family - Struggling to connect with his kids, a divorcee Dad conjures a plan to inspire them.

Too Hot by Cindy L. Keller (CindyLKeller)  writing as  - Short, Comedy - When his air conditioner goes out on a 104° day, a man goes to the store to get cool where he is followed by the manager.

Curiosity killed the cat by Mark Moore ()  writing as  - Short, Comedy - One man's love for his feline friend goes a little to far.

Red Sun Burn by Steve Wrench (Steve Wrench)  writing as Bob Zeebub - Short, Crime - {no logline}

Sam, I Am by Chris Bodily (ChrisBodily)  writing as I.C. Kareem - Short, Crime, Historical Fiction, Thriller - A heat wave, a blackout, and a serial killer take their toll on three Studio 54 patrons on July 13, 1977.

The Burial by Claudette Saintyl ()  writing as  - Short, Action - The burial of a simple farmer is interrupted by a known gang and a mysterious drifter. - fdr format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Deserter by Andrew Lightfoot (Lightfoot)  writing as  - Short, Horror - A man finds out just how haunting the past can be.

Looks like it's about time to out ourselves.

So...without further ado, I'll begin.

I wrote Wish you were Here.  I'll provide some info as to where this came from, my thoughts, and some responses to feedback.

Thanks to all who posted feedback.

Quoted from Dreamscale Looks like it's about time to out ourselves. So...without further ado, I'll begin. I wrote Wish you were Here.  I'll provide some info as to where this came from, my thoughts, and some responses to feedback. Thanks to all who posted feedback.

That's impossible. There were three orphans.

Quoted from eldave1 That's impossible. There were three orphans.

And a title page in large, bold letters!!!

I'll be having a colonoscopy at 7:30 am tomorrow and am currently in the "prep stage" so better get off my note before ---- well, you know.

I wrote Weather Worn. Okay, Cam - I'm waiting for you to reveal my tell.

I really had no other guesses on the other ones other than I had Rene pegged for Rain Check.

Quoted from Dreamscale And a title page in large, bold letters!!!

Look at you spreading your creative wings!

I favor creative title pages - why the fok not I say.

Quoted from eldave1 That's impossible. There were three orphans.

Could have been 4 if she’d gone for adoption ...

But serious question as i’m new to this. Is it the done thing to give your own scripts glowing reviews? Or is that all part of the fun and throwing people off the scent and whatnot?

Yeah I had you picked for Weather Worn, Dave

You shared my weather criteria as a must so it was narrowed down. The Duck script wasn’t your style and I knew who wrote the Mozzie one so WW was yours. I voted it my fave.

Quoted from Anon Could have been 4 if she’d gone for adoption ... But serious question as i’m new to this. Is it the done thing to give your own scripts glowing reviews? Or is that all part of the fun and throwing people off the scent and whatnot?

Depends.

I didn't bother with a comment on mine this time.

I have added a cryptic comment on mine in the past (e.g., solid, meets the parameters, blah, blah, blah).

Have never wrote a glowing one on mine like Jeff's but I am quite alright with it - it's all a misdirect.

What I don't think is legit is arguing a point on a script thread that relates to your script or championing your script - responding to others. See the back and forth on A Beautiful Day is an example. Had I written that one - my debate with Jeff would not have been appropriate nor his - at least in my view.

Quoted from stevie Yeah I had you picked for Weather Worn, Dave You shared my weather criteria as a must so it was narrowed down. The Duck script wasn’t your style and I knew who wrote the Mozzie one so WW was yours. I voted it my fave.

Much thanks, mate.  

Quoted from Anon But serious question as i’m new to this. Is it the done thing to give your own scripts glowing reviews? Or is that all part of the fun and throwing people off the scent and whatnot?

Well, you should review your own script for sure, just in case peeps are keeping track and see you reviewed every script except 1.

In terms of giving your own script a glowing review, that's up to you.  I try to keep it honest on every review I give and when I write a bad script, or find mistakes that I didn't see at first, I shit on my own script and point out the mistakes.

Quoted from eldave1 Depends. I didn't bother with a comment on mine this time. I have added a cryptic comment on mine in the past (e.g., solid, meets the parameters, blah, blah, blah). Have never wrote a glowing one on mine like Jeff's but I am quite alright with it - it's all a misdirect. What I don't think is legit is arguing a point on a script thread that relates to your script or championing your script - responding to others. See the back and forth on A Beautiful Day is an example. Had I written that one - my debate with Jeff would not have been appropriate nor his - at least in my view.

We’ll I wrote A Beautiful Day. So I did read that exchange and thanks for make a few points I would have liked to make myself! 👍

Quoted from Anon We’ll I wrote A Beautiful Day. So I did read that exchange and thanks for make a few points I would have liked to make myself! 👍

Twas a great script! Glad I could help the cause.  I think based on the responses you have a real shot at this one.

Quoted from eldave1 Twas a great script! Glad I could help the cause.  I think based on the responses you have a real shot at this one.

Thanks! Yours was one of my highest scores. Loved the end.

Quoted from Anon Thanks! Yours was one of my highest scores. Loved the end.

Gracias!

Yeh well done to both of you guys! I had them both as my top picks, gonna be a tight one I think between the pair of you but Weather Worn I feel has got it, unless there's one that I completely missed that was getting rave reviews.

I'll PM you the tell, Dave, just as I know you like to use it and I've never marked you down so your secret identity is always safe with me...

I wrote 2, one for you guys and one for me. Should be pretty obvious which one was for me

I wrote Riot Time Knock Off and It’s Killer. Tone was off in Riot, as it started to turn into something of a silent movie with all the gesturing. Terrible of me to call the gun “cold, steel.” Not good to trick the readers. My bad. Oh, and the A/C was broken. I thought I’d made that clear when you saw the open window. Oh wait. Maybe he didn’t pay his bill. Wait. Maybe he just doesn’t like using the frickin A/C!!

It’s Killer was just a fun little thing I thought of while mowing the lawn! I like that one better anyway.

Great challenge, loads of fun as always.

Quoted from Dreamscale And a title page in large, bold letters!!!

so proud of you for that!

WE have had a terrible time with mosquitoes this year in the backyard... so you all can probably guess which one I wrote. While I was pulling weeds they were eating me alive and the story popped into my head.

Quoted from Pale Yellow WE have had a terrible time with mosquitoes this year in the backyard... so you all can probably guess which one I wrote. While I was pulling weeds they were eating me alive and the story popped into my head.

Yours and Rain Check got my top marks. Good work, Dena!

Thank you Steven.

Quoted from Pale Yellow WE have had a terrible time with mosquitoes this year in the backyard... so you all can probably guess which one I wrote. While I was pulling weeds they were eating me alive and the story popped into my head.

Rain Check!!! Twas a delightful plodder that one, a rare beast in my mind, don't like slow burns but that was a great little script. Another well done!

Sod it. I felt sorry for Libby so asked permission to do a COLD ONE, as I've only just returned from Aus a few weeks ago, now it turns out she didn't even enter one!!!

Through sheer stupidity I went with 2. Damask Memories as a serious entry, and You Should Be Ashamed, Richard to keep myself entertained. Ta for the reviews, especially on You Should Be Ashamed as I thought it was gonna get killed

I apologize for not getting to every script. Was a crazy week with school starting again and Friday night I helped a family member move so my plan to review the stragglers fell to pieces. That also means I missed the voting deadline but since I didn't read them all I would have felt unconformable voting.

That said, I wrote Change. Any mention of terrible comma use should be a dead giveaway for me by now in the reviews, lol. I had an idea for a cutesy almost Pixaresque short in mind when the original idea popped in my head and I almost put the category as animation instead of comedy, excuse me drama, but realized it had no affect on the story so didn't. Readers were right that I made the lead too wimpy to be likable though I was hoping some of his personality came through when he took Jill out to see things with new eyes. Some people caught that, but not enough did so I needed to do better. The ending also gave me fits as page length forced my hand a little. Of all the scripts I've submitted for OWCs this was my least fav and weakest I think. But it shows as writing this gave me some fits. I am thankful for the exercise though.

This is one I'd like a do over on with a stronger premise that really embraced the challenge. That said, Wish You Were Here and Tunnel Rats were the top favs of what I read though this OWC was a mixed bag. I did like the shorter page length as that made reviews quicker.

When's the next one?

Quoted from Pale Yellow WE have had a terrible time with mosquitoes this year in the backyard... so you all can probably guess which one I wrote. While I was pulling weeds they were eating me alive and the story popped into my head.

Well done that one!

Right, off to sleep. Congratulations to whoever wins.

I liked yours, Cam, as you can tell by my review. One thing though, characters not being given real names is not a valid criticism, thought we'd been through this before.

Seven Year Itch, Fist Full of Dollars, Good Bad and the Ugly, Layer Cake, Fight Club, 12 Angry Men, etc, etc, all good examples of nameless laden classics.

Anyway, shall draw a line under it and we can debate in my thread for You Should Be Ashamed if need be.

Sweet dreams peoples,

Cam x

Quoted from eldave1 Well done that one!

Thanks Dave... now which one is yours? You usually have a contender.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Thanks Dave... now which one is yours? You usually have a contender.

Weather Worn

Cam, you're a gem. A really nice thing you and Pia did for me. Sorry your efforts were in vain. Honestly I didn't know I was out until last minute.

Dena, great work. My absolute favourite.

Dave, great work, crummy title. I'm a horse lover from way back. Beautifully written.
Btw, the prep is worse than the procedure.

I shoulda known Wish You Were Here was Jeff's. A few things give it away in retrospect, the cocaine, the rum, the hot couple on the beach. And this:

For some reason, this hit me rather hard and I actually had to go outside and have a smoke when i finished.


Very entertaining you lot!

I wrote Deserter.

Got the idea late and decided to get it done asap as my birthday was the same day the scripts were due.

I read a lot of a fantasy book series I'm into right now and very little screenplays, so that would explain my heavily overwritten entry. Just got to writing it out and never really payed attention to how I was telling the story.

I did have a different ending planned out. It still would've played out as Hubert being attacked by those he deserted but that last image would've  revealed that he was nowhere near water, the oxen were actually dead, and he was suffering from exposure before he succumbed. It may have made the ending a little better anyways.

His fellow travelers weren't intended to be zombies, I was going for a more "Wild West Mummy" type of deal. It's crazy how well preserved that mummy is. I thought it would make a good thing to haunt Hubert with with the others looking somewhat like that guy.

Thanks to all those who have commented.

After I read your example eldave1 I re-read my entry and seen just how overwritten it is.

Quoted from LC Cam, you're a gem. A really nice thing you and Pia did for me. Sorry your efforts were in vain. Honestly I didn't know I was out until last minute. Dena, great work. My absolute favourite. Dave, great work, crummy title. I'm a horse lover from way back. Beautifully written. Btw, the prep is worse than the procedure. I shoulda known Wish You Were Here was Jeff's. A few things give it away in retrospect, the cocaine, the rum, the hot couple on the beach. And this: For some reason, this hit me rather hard and I actually had to go outside and have a smoke when i finished. Very entertaining you lot!

Thanks, Libby. Very glad you liked it. I'm okay with the title - although did like the one you suggested and - yes the logline does sucketh. Threw one on at the last minute.

I know about the prep (this is my second one). UGH and double UGH.  

Quoted from Lightfoot I wrote Deserter. Got the idea late and decided to get it done asap as my birthday was the same day the scripts were due. I read a lot of a fantasy book series I'm into right now and very little screenplays, so that would explain my heavily overwritten entry. Just got to writing it out and never really payed attention to how I was telling the story. I did have a different ending planned out. It still would've played out as Hubert being attacked by those he deserted but that last image would've  revealed that he was nowhere near water, the oxen were actually dead, and he was suffering from exposure before he succumbed. It may have made the ending a little better anyways. His fellow travelers weren't intended to be zombies, I was going for a more "Wild West Mummy" type of deal. It's crazy how well preserved that mummy is. I thought it would make a good thing to haunt Hubert with with the others looking somewhat like that guy. Thanks to all those who have commented. After I read your example eldave1 I re-read my entry and seen just how overwritten it is.

Glad the comment helped. It's an easy fix.

Thanks to Pia and Don for a very memorable OWC.
I enjoyed reading all the entries.  Very talented writers here.
And even though there was some heat, I didn't get burned this time.

Also, a special THANKS to Jeff for taking the time to give me a detailed review!
I truly appreciate it.  
And thanks to everyone else for their feedback.
Now, off to rewrite.

SEE YOU IN OCTOBER

I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag.

My script was titled...

DIE, FLUFFY, DIE  -  AQUAPUSSY

Quoted from DaveTroop Thanks to Pia and Don for a very memorable OWC. I enjoyed reading all the entries.  Very talented writers here. And even though there was some heat, I didn't get burned this time. Also, a special THANKS to Jeff for taking the time to give me a detailed review! I truly appreciate it.   And thanks to everyone else for their feedback. Now, off to rewrite. SEE YOU IN OCTOBER I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag. My script was titled... DIE, FLUFFY, DIE  -  AQUAPUSSY

Great effort there, mate

Thanks, Dave.
Weather Worn was awesome.

Quoted from DaveTroop Thanks, Dave. Weather Worn was awesome.

Thanks, mate.

I just got back from vacation and had a lot of catching up to do here. Wow! Took me forever to run through all the reviews and 'friendly' banter. Kudos to the OWC team for putting on one of the most popular challenges in quite some time.

I wrote 'Tunnel Rat'. I thought I had summer heat factored in enough but was called out for it. Damn shame as I thought it had a chance. Thanks for the very kind comments (Dena) I received and the lengthy reviews (Jeff and Anon).

Writing sans dialog was very tough for me. I do need to challenge some of the unfilmable comments because I think most, if not all, are easily portrayed.

As for the beasts? I never wanted to show them. Stick with silhouettes and flashes, and let the reader/viewer conjure up what they are.

So many great entries, too. Great job and congrats to everyone.

Quoted from LC I shoulda known Wish You Were Here was Jeff's. A few things give it away in retrospect, the cocaine, the rum, the hot couple on the beach. And this: For some reason, this hit me rather hard and I actually had to go outside and have a smoke when i finished.

Actually a true comment!  When I finished writing this and then read it back, it did hit me hard for some reason.  HA!!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think I know who wrote this and if I'm correct, I am shocked this person used a "non standard" title on the cover page, lol!

I had you pegged, Jeff. Welcome to the modern era of screenwriting.

I wrote Too Hot.
Putting in all those hours at work kept me thinking about work and some of the crazy customers.
Thanks to all who took time to read it.
I still don't know who wrote my favorite one. They haven't outted themselves yet.

Figures some of my faves were written by some of my faves.  

I wrote The Cave. The idea grabbed me and I ran with it, knowing I was unlikely to pull it off but I still had to try. I'm pleased with it but it definitely needs more work.

I'll wait for the winners to be announced to say congrats.

I wrote two scripts .... they remain anonymous  

...Until exposed by the cruel moderator  

I'm not going to admit which one I wrote until I'm outed. Lets just say....it didn't quite go as planned this owc but still a very valuable learning experience for me.

Quoted from DaveTroop Thanks to Pia and Don for a very memorable OWC. I enjoyed reading all the entries.  Very talented writers here. And even though there was some heat, I didn't get burned this time. Also, a special THANKS to Jeff for taking the time to give me a detailed review! I truly appreciate it.   And thanks to everyone else for their feedback. Now, off to rewrite. SEE YOU IN OCTOBER I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag. My script was titled... DIE, FLUFFY, DIE  -  AQUAPUSSY

Loved that script.

Well done Dave

Dream Weaver,
Thanks, Bill.  
How are you man?  Been too long.

I saw two scripts I knew were yours.
They were very Brit and both contained the word “whilst.”

Cheers

Quoted from DaveTroop Dream Weaver, Thanks, Bill.   How are you man?  Been too long. I saw two scripts I knew were yours. They were very Brit and both contained the word “whilst.” Cheers

You always spotted my ‘whilst’ useage

Well done Alex. A Beautiful Day was on of my favs, it is a beautiful, brutal script. Congrats to all the runners up and everyone who took part!

Congrats Alex. You're script is fantastic and I really hope it gets produced. Would love to see the finished product.

Thanks Don and Pia for running this thing. It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Had to move TWICE. This OWC was a nice distraction, though I regret not reading more entries.

I'm very proud of my entry. It was fun to write, even if the subject matter is a bit grim.

Zack

Congrats, Alex! It’s one of the best written scripts and it really leaned in to the challenge parameters. A deserved win.

I’m happy to see all my faves are the top scripts, and surprised my own is among them. Thanks for the love!

Really enjoyed The Cave, Rene. Congrats on the high finish.

Zack

Congratulation to the winners. And that would be all of us for getting free, abundant feedback on our writing. Well done to those who got high scores. Well done to those who took time to give others feedback. And we are certainly forever grateful to Don and Pia for spending their precious time on allowing us to have fun while improving our craft.

Special thanks to everyone who gave me feedback. Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work.

We will meet again in October. And I think I'm getting the hang of this. The competition is fierce but I won't be taking any hostages next time. Bring your A game. Third time the charm.

Just got back form my colonoscopy and am now going to bed. But before: Alex - great job! Your script was great and am pleased to see it finish on top. You got chops, dude.

Thanks to all who commented on mine. Much appreciated!

“excellent, excellent premise

writing needs a tidy, like most, but forget that. story is everything.

wonderful choice of timing, location, aspirations etc very clear, very dense with tension. we know where we are, we know what it is happening, never lost

like every script this can be tidied, but i EXPECT this to be filmed

someone pick up this script

short, simple, but by far the best i have read.

i predict a winner.”

That’s one thing I got right

Well done.

Filming wise, I think there are multiple options, it will be interesting to see what happens.

Best of luck

Many thanks for the votes everyone!

Very happy to get a win.

Thought I'd address something that came up a bit. My somewhat divisive writing style. Although my descriptive style is the same for features, I don't constantly break sentences up etc. That would be a bit mental. But it's something I do slip into when I'm writing an action scene/set piece. I just like the the way it visualises and paces the action.

Wouldn't recommend anyone else doing it. It's mine! But I think bringing something new to the table as far as format/style goes can be a good thing. As long as it works. Some will always hate it but one thing's for sure. People will know a script by you when they read it. So much so, I'm pretty sure I'll be spotted if/when I enter again. Unless the next challenge is dialogue only ...

Great job, Alex, congratulations! Also big congrats to the several runner ups— wonderful job by all!

Congrats to the "winners".

Good job, everyone...except to the few who didn't read/comment on a single script.

Congrats Alex and all that entered

Just to give 'Curiosty killed a cat' a brief explanation... It was shit
Time to jump on the arseblaster 10000

Alex!!!! Congrats, a well deserved win, and a ridiculously high rating too. Not bad at all. Well done to the rest of you too, and to Dave on his colonoscopy (hope you're alright).

Another bloody runner's up/writer's liked placing!!!! That's 4 out of the 8 OWC's I've flipping entered, always the bloody bridesmaid...can't grumble though as that was a ridiculously good standard of work this time round and those beautiful little scripts above my scribbles certainly deserve to be there.

Roll on the next one, really enjoyable.

Cheers Don and Pia and well done everyone.

Quoted from Anon Many thanks for the votes everyone! Very happy to get a win. Thought I'd address something that came up a bit. My somewhat divisive writing style. Although my descriptive style is the same for features, I don't constantly break sentences up etc. That would be a bit mental. But it's something I do slip into when I'm writing an action scene/set piece. I just like the the way it visualises and paces the action. Wouldn't recommend anyone else doing it. It's mine! But I think bringing something new to the table as far as format/style goes can be a good thing. As long as it works. Some will always hate it but one thing's for sure. People will know a script by you when they read it. So much so, I'm pretty sure I'll be spotted if/when I enter again. Unless the next challenge is dialogue only ...

Dialogue only - think we have a challenge.

On the style of this script. When I read it  my thought was that it was Drumbeat Style (I will copyright that term). i.e., I am reading/taking in each line is a separate, distinct beat each and each has it's own depth (volume).

e.g., this:

Quoted Text GASPING panic as pain brings her eyes into focus. They see - A SPLINTERED BONE protruding from her shin. It’s the summit of a heap of shit she’s in. But base camp is -

Line one, I see panicked eyes (beat)

Line two - I see the cause, - a splintered bone (BEAT)

Convention might dictate that you write it like:

GASPING panic as pain brings her eyes into focus on
a SPLINTERED BONE protruding from her shin.

And that would have been less effective in my view as I am taking in those two separate beats (her panic and the broken bone) as one - with no time lapse. Which is not what you intended me to do.

So, yeah - for me it was a great use of writing style for that story. I could not get through a feature (it would become tedious) and you already indicated you would not use it throughout one - but for passages here and there - very effective.

Quoted from eldave1 Dialogue only - think we have a challenge. On the style of this script. When I read it  my thought was that it was Drumbeat Style (I will copyright that term). i.e., I am reading/taking in each line is a separate, distinct beat each and each has it's own depth (volume). e.g., this: Line one, I see panicked eyes (beat) Line two - I see the cause, - a splintered bone (BEAT) Convention might dictate that you write it like: GASPING panic as pain brings her eyes into focus on a SPLINTERED BONE protruding from her shin. And that would have been less effective in my view as I am taking in those two separate beats (her panic and the broken bone) as one - with no time lapse. Which is not what you intended me to do. So, yeah - for me it was a great use of writing style for that story. I could not get through a feature (it would become tedious) and you already indicated you would not use it throughout one - but for passages here and there - very effective.

Yes that’s pretty much it. And when you watch An action scene, some shots are all linked together so fluidly, full stops just seem too disjointed. That’s how my tiny mind sees it anyway.

Quoted from Cameron Alex!!!! Congrats, a well deserved win, and a ridiculously high rating too. Not bad at all. Well done to the rest of you too, and to Dave on his colonoscopy (hope you're alright). Another bloody runner's up/writer's liked placing!!!! That's 4 out of the 8 OWC's I've flipping entered, always the bloody bridesmaid...can't grumble though as that was a ridiculously good standard of work this time round and those beautiful little scripts above my scribbles certainly deserve to be there. Roll on the next one, really enjoyable. Cheers Don and Pia and well done everyone.

Hey cam - Two really decent scripts - I’m impressed  at being able to do both in a week. You really have the chops, and if you recall, I loved your Mother Nature joke one.

I believe there is a skill to wining a OWC. And not one to underestimate. But it exists.

And if you do, you get a thong  

Congrats Alex. Great script!

Congrats Alex!! And well done to everyone else who finished near the top – there were some really strong entries and some great writing on show.

Weather Worn and MQ-LC4 were my favourites, but I also gave A Beautiful Day, The Cave and We Are All Dust In The End high marks. And I have to say, Stevie's entry was the one that stuck with me for the longest – I was still thinking about it several days after reading it.

Thanks to everyone who read mine and left feedback, both positive and negative. There were many good suggestions that'll definitely help me in the rewrite.

Well done Alex!  I could envisage your script almost as a horror story with the perp at the end being some nutcase in a mask who runs her off the road in flash backs. Good luck if Dena films it!

Thanks to all who read and liked mine. I wasn’t even gonna enter as the hot.cold thing wasn’t doing anything for me. But when I read what Pia wrote early in the thread about the world weather and that farmers in Sweden were killing stock, I was inspired to write about the shocking stuff happening here in Oz with the drought. Lib was awesome too once I told her my planned story as she has seen first hand the effects on her uncle’s farm.
So this script was close up and personal in a roundabout way and I was totally in the zone when I write it. Originally had a happy ending and no one dies but slept in it and went for the grim and bleak as it’s real life and actually going on here.

Apologies to perps who couldn’t finish it; I’ll do my best to improve as a writer before the next challenge  >

Thanks to Don and Pia for a top challenge and it was good to have a few regs back in town and in good form. Hopefully this inspired me to write more regularly but it never happens lol. Too busy working at night and gaming lol

Quoted from stevie Thanks to all who read and liked mine. I wasn’t even gonna enter as the hot.cold thing wasn’t doing anything for me. But when I read what Pia wrote early in the thread about the world weather and that farmers in Sweden were killing stock, I was inspired to write about the shocking stuff happening here in Oz with the drought. Lib was awesome too once I told her my planned story as she has seen first hand the effects on her uncle’s farm. So this script was close up and personal in a roundabout way and I was totally in the zone when I write it. Originally had a happy ending and no one dies but slept in it and went for the grim and bleak as it’s real life and actually going on here. Apologies to perps who couldn’t finish it; I’ll do my best to improve as a writer before the next challengel

Stevie, you Aussie ArseHole!!!  Great concept, great setup, KILLER ending, but, yeah...the writing, Mate.  Get off that damn Socrates shit, as it obviously can't even format a Slug properly.

Yours was the best in terms of story, power, feel, and impact, but the writing needs improvement.

As others have stated, your story is still with me, and if anyone had the balls to film somethinhg like this, it would/could win awards, due to the power being portrayed.

Shocked at some of the dumbasses who gave this a bad review, but then again, those same dumbasses are...well...they're dumbasses!  And if they don't know it, they should.

Best effort from you, Mate, and I know we'll see alot more in the future.  Great job!!

A note to Claudette (and any other Newb who may have entered this past OWC) -

On behalf of my fellow scribes, the OWC can be a little rough on the uninitiated. The anonymity of the challenge means feedback can often be a little lacking in social graces, from some, anyway....

Do not let the comments deter you from learning more, writing more, and getting involved in this great writing community.

Simply Scripts is the best place to learn about screenwriting, to get feedback on your own work, and give feedback on other's work, and to connect with other writers.

And hopefully, to get your work picked up by filmmakers.
Hope to see you again.

Quoted from LC A note to Claudette (and any other Newb who may have entered this past OWC) - On behalf of my fellow scribes, the OWC can be a little rough on the uninitiated. The anonymity of the challenge means feedback can often be a little lacking in social graces, from some, anyway.... Do not let the comments deter you from learning more, writing more, and getting involved in this great writing community. Simply Scripts is the best place to learn about screenwriting, to get feedback on your own work, and give feedback on other's work, and to connect with other writers. And hopefully, to get your work picked up by filmmakers. Hope to see you again.

Well said

Quoted from LC A note to Claudette (and any other Newb who may have entered this past OWC) - On behalf of my fellow scribes, the OWC can be a little rough on the uninitiated. The anonymity of the challenge means feedback can often be a little lacking in social graces, from some, anyway.... Do not let the comments deter you from learning more, writing more, and getting involved in this great writing community. Simply Scripts is the best place to learn about screenwriting, to get feedback on your own work, and give feedback on other's work, and to connect with other writers. And hopefully, to get your work picked up by filmmakers. Hope to see you again.

Coudn't agree more.

I received some insanely harsh feedback when I first joined way back in 2006. But like the great Baltis once told me, "This isn't a back patting club. You're script sucks goat nuts. Now go rewrite it." Man, I miss that guy.

Zack

Quoted from LC A note to Claudette (and any other Newb who may have entered this past OWC) - On behalf of my fellow scribes, the OWC can be a little rough on the uninitiated. The anonymity of the challenge means feedback can often be a little lacking in social graces, from some, anyway.... Do not let the comments deter you from learning more, writing more, and getting involved in this great writing community. Simply Scripts is the best place to learn about screenwriting, to get feedback on your own work, and give feedback on other's work, and to connect with other writers. And hopefully, to get your work picked up by filmmakers. Hope to see you again.

Yes to this, and also, remember that regardless of how the notes are delivered (some are harsher in their delivery than others), they are given in the spirit of trying to help. No one is sabotaging you, no one is trying to mislead you. Every note given is someone genuinely trying to help you make something better.

And what you do with those notes is up to you. Use the ones you think will help your script, reject the ones you don't agree with. If enough people say something is wrong, something is wrong, but it might not necessarily be exactly what they are pointing at. Notes are not the truth, they are the guide to the truth. What that truth is is for you to figure out. It's your story.

Quoted from Anon Unless the next challenge is dialogue only ...

Shut up! Don't give them any ideas!!

Quoted from ReneC Yes to this, and also, remember that regardless of how the notes are delivered (some are harsher in their delivery than others), they are given in the spirit of trying to help. No one is sabotaging you, no one is trying to mislead you. Every note given is someone genuinely trying to help you make something better. And what you do with those notes is up to you. Use the ones you think will help your script, reject the ones you don't agree with. If enough people say something is wrong, something is wrong, but it might not necessarily be exactly what they are pointing at. Notes are not the truth, they are the guide to the truth. What that truth is is for you to figure out. It's your story.

So well said.

There were some very harsh notes on my first script here (or anywhere for that matter). My first reaction was - well, I'm done with this site. Calmed down, came back and pulled out the gems of criticism - made changes and became a better writer for it.

I still cringe when I see some of the harsher criticism. Still think you can make the same point without the harshness. HOWEVER - every note and read we get here is a free one. What a deal! I'l take the trade-off every day of the week.

And as you state - not all notes are correct. Stick by your guns - but if you see a pattern of the same critique - you may not be seeing your own work clearly.

Well done to everyone who entered and congrats to the writers who came out on top. The Cave, Die, Fluffy, Die, Weather Worn and A Beautiful Day were the standouts for me.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read mine and share their thoughts. A few people seemed to like it which was cool, I knew it wouldn't be for everyone. I hadn't written anything for a few months before this and since the challenge I'm already ten pages in to a new feature so thanks to the wonderful folks who put this on. Really got me back into the swing of things.

On the reviewing side. Sorry if I came across harsh on any of the scripts. I tried to give my honest opinion so avoided reading the other feedback before I posted. There's a strong possibility I missed the point on some or was just plain wrong in what I said. Reading 27 scripts in two sittings isn't ideal but I only had a couple of nights to get the job done. Some of my thoughts may reflect how sleep deprived I was at the time.

I think to a new writer, learning to deal with criticism can be as tricky as the writing itself. But you'll never know if a script works without it. And if it doesn't, try not to get too disparaged and either fix it or move onto something else.

The most important thing is to keep writing. It's the only way you'll improve in the long run.  

Lol I just had a cool idea - belatedly - for this challenge  It’s set in a passenger jet and everything is seen from the POV of a deaf child(non dialogue) Lightning hits the plane (weather impact) and then all sorts of silent chaos goes on. Not sure of an ending but it’s funny how inspiration comes while making toast

Stevie, I'm glad you pulled your first idea out of the bag.  
...
Lovely script, Kyle.

Hi Everyone,

Many thanks for your comments in the OWC on "Pergo's Beast." I got the message that the story was a bit cryptic.

I've revised it, just enough, I hope, to make the story arc clearer. I would love to hear from some of you if it now catches your attention a little more. I'm trying to keep it mysterious, but not so much that it's off-putting.

Essentially, I've tried to highlight that Pergo is lonely, she has joined the night-time ritual for whatever reason, and it gets her out with other people, but it's not the cure for loneliness, because it's strictly anonymous. But when the heat becomes unbearable and she takes her costume head off, she breaks the anonymity code and is instantly rejected, but it leads her to connect with another young woman who comes to her rescue, so perhaps Pergo is better off than before. It remains to be seen. But at least she's got a shot at connection now.

The revision is posted under "unproduced" with the others. I would love to hear your thoughts on the revision.

Many thanks in advance!

And I am very happy to answer questions about my feedback on your OWC submissions if any of you have them.

Cheers,
Mitchell