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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Gomer Pyle USMC: Gomer Pyle Has Kids - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Gomer Pyle USMC: Gomer Pyle Has Kids - OWC  (currently 2609 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gomer Pyle USMC: Gomer Pyle Has Kids by D Scott Mangione - Series, Comedy - When Gomer Pyle discovers his old girlfriend is pregnant with another man's baby, he must break-up with the Commander's daughter to marry his true love and start a family.  - pdf format

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Gomer Pyle: USMC - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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My 1 cent (I lost one of my pennies):

I appreciate the effort in taking on Gomer Pyle, as it was one of my favorite comedy shows growing up. He was an iconic character on TV during a very turbulent time of America, so I have to say I was a bit disappointed in the direction you took the reboot.

I couldn't tell where you were trying to take this.  It had a clumsy start with Gomer talking with someone about his ex, Ellen, and I presume he finds out she's pregnant, or she's already had a baby.  There's no explanation why he feels like it's his responsibility to dump his current girlfriend and go take care of someone else's kid.  I mean, it's an interesting premise, but you didn't mine it for anything.  You just went right for the conclusion that he was going to do it.  Conflict can play a huge role in developing comedy, but it was just dropped.

I think taking Gomer away from the base eliminated the source of most of the humor. No Sgt. Carter (here only briefly) or any of his soldier buddies.  Carter and Pyle butted heads a lot and generated a ton of laughs on the show, but here you've taken him away from the base and consequently a major foil for Carter and a source of conflict for Pyle.  The new story here is really just Pyle trying to help Ellen raise three kids, and the story is really more sad and than humorous, given their situation.  In fact, I thought you were going for more of a dramedy.  Gomer isn't zany here, or talking in weird slang or getting into wacky predicaments.  So I think it's missing the mark here from that standpoint.

Congrats on finishing the script and good luck!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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It was hard for me to pick a script to read since most of the ones listed, I have never heard of. I remember Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith show, but I never watched Gomer's show. Since the name is the same, I assumed he plays the same character, so that's what I tried to picture when I read.

I enjoyed the beginning most as I could picture it easier in my head. For some reason the whole thing played in my head in black and white, lol. I liked Bunny being tipsy on the liquor filled chocolates and some of the stuff that went on in the barracks. Then things turned to confusion for me when Ellen was introduced. Then there was a baby, then a second baby and then a third. All without showing any other reference to time passing. I was confused about who Ellen was. Didn't like her mother. IMHO, I would have preferred to see Gomer at the base. Maybe some conflict between Bunny and Ellen? Maybe Gomer smuggles in Ellen and the baby on base and they live there and he has to try to keep them a secret?

I think the trouble with re-writing some of these old TV shows is hitting the right balance between the familiarity of the original show, but still making it entertaining for readers who's never heard of the show before and make it a stand alone piece.

Good luck!  


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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I'm glad you chose to write about one of the shows that I used to watch.
I may be wrong, but wasn't Pyle older than 20 in the original series? I thought a reboot was something that came later. I thought Gomer should have been in his 30s.
Like Pia, I think you could have stayed with the one child, too. Had Bunny want to fight for her man until she learns about the baby and realizing that's just the kind of person Gomer is.
I realize how difficult it is to do one of these challenges. I wasn't able to this time because of work.
I think a reboot about Gomer could be something that could work, and writing is rewriting. Congrats on writing something this go around.
Thanks for the read,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
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FrankM
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Picking up a comedy as a rebooted comedy is literally a tough act to follow. I can appreciate that you're really rebooting the Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show, but if that was the intention then it might not have been necessary to show him in uniform at all.

As for the humor, I remember seeing somewhere that sitcom scripts don't read as hilarious because they're written for specific actors who carry the show with their performance. That said, I can see some of these scenes working pretty well. I would drop Jack the not-quite-elf unless he's intended to be some sort of recurring Great Gazoo character.

There are some unfilmables in the action, which can be cleared up easy enough on revision. We don't know that Gomer is holding a speech unless we see him rehearse from that slip of paper. We certainly don't know which cigarette is Gomer's last.

My main concern with this story is that it seems more like Beetle Bailey than Gomer Pyle. Gomer had an innocence about him that protected him from whatever was happening in the episode. He'd plod along trying to do the right thing (sometimes manipulated by the "smart" people around him), and character and good cheer would always win in the end for no other reason than it's a TV show. He also had that Rose Nylund ability to pull an essential skill out of his ass at just the right moment. Other than his willingness to endure anything for Ellen, there none of that Gomer-ness to this Gomer.

This is written like a pilot, but it doesn't give much of a hint as to what would happen in an ongoing series. I can certainly see a sitcom with the workplace scenes in a garage (I so want to see this grease monkey fumble with a diagnostic computer), and sprinkling in vacation episodes sounds like a nice feature. But none of that was introduced in this pilot.

This was hard to pull off, and though I don't think this script quite got there, I think it's a valiant effort that just needs a healthy dose of that God's Grace for Drunks and Babes that saw Gomer through his previous adventures.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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DSM
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments. Enjoyed them all. Tried to make it contemporary and completely different. Never written comedy all 6 of my features are dramas. 15 pages was difficult also. Chose Gomer because I  was a huge fan of the show. I know I missed the mark but I thought a few moments were kinda funny. It was fun. I'm so looking forward to reading the others and the next challenge.
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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I gather that Gomer is still relatively new to the Marines, or he wouldn't just be getting promoted to PFC. He can't just up and quit when he or his fiancee's doctor says so. Family hardship is  a reason he might be allowed out, but just having a fiancee who can't handle the stress probably doesn't qualify.
Col Van Pelt keeping Gomer out of Iraq for his daughter's sake reflects badly on him, and on Gomer for going along with it. People join the Corps to go to war not to stay out of them.
The main problem, however, is that Gomer comes off as a loser. He fooled around with Bunny, while Ellen was pregnant, instead of doing the job he signed up for.
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Cameron
Posted: June 7th, 2018, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey DSM,

Judging by your low post per day rate I'm guessing your newish. First thing, it's anonymous the challenge so don't put your name on it. Second, don't put your address on the front cover as there's all sorts of weirdos out there!! Third, folk have taken the time to review yours so please try to review other folk's work too, not sure I've seen one from yourself as of yet, could be wrong.

You seem to know how to write and format correctly, what you need to work on now is pacing and story building to complete your arsenal of scripting weapons of mass distraction.

This was actually a bit all over the place for me and I really struggled to get to grips with where it was going and what was going on. Most of the other comments seem to have got it so probably just take note of their advice, but it was a bit of a messy one in my modest opinion.

In short. Definite reboot, decent writing ability on show, structure a bit all over the place which kept me outside the story and detached me somewhat.

All the best,

Cam
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khamanna
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, I read it as if it's either a 60's cartoon or as if the characters in it are cartoonish. And if you think of the characters like that - it works.
But will something like this work in the present day? I'm not sure.

I like 60s cartoons, I watch them. There's a script here on the site, it was in the tournament (1st round) and it belongs to DanC. Anyway, that script has a lot of texture. Yours is a bit plain in regards to the story and the way you chose to tell it. Not bad at all, but not enough I guess.

Include some complications for fun - like Gomer is not sure if one of the children is his, but Gomer loves this child more than the one he's sure is his own.
Or tell us he never slept with his girlfriend because he's married. (just a few ideas to throw out there, might not work for you, your call)
You can get away with a lot here. Any over the top crazy thing goes.
That's the beauty of these type of cartoons/cartoonish characters. They can be super dumb, at the same time clever, like inspector Crusoe.


It also had some funny moments which is good.  
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CameronD
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Was avoiding this one a little based off the title. Pyle has kids sounds like a 90s joke when reboots were so bad they were commonly made punchlines of many a joke. But we shall see.

I don't see this often on here, but the script is a but underwritten I'd say. I know of Gomer Pyle but not any of these other characters be they new or old from the show. Hard for me to know their relation to Gomer. Your action is so bare bones it doesn't really convey much at all of what's happening or where these people are. And the dialogue is quite on the nose.

Why is Bunny eating chocolates? Why is Gomer able to just walk right in to the factory? If he was breaking up with her then why doesn't he there? Who are Carter and Van Pelt? You only really give the reader ages and rank. How does Bunny find his break up letter? So Gomer has a gf and fiance? What?

Very lost. Sorry. Out.


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JEStaats
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Okay, no anonymity here so out of the voting? Kinda funky title page format.

Pg. 1 - Even though he IS Gomer, where else would he hold the phone? How about "Gomer's on the phone"

He looks at a picture of Ellen. How do we know that it's Ellen? Maybe change it to a picture of a beutiful young brunette since we don't know who it is.

Pg. 3 - So Lt. Colonel Van Pelt (43) runs the base AND owns a local chocolate factory?

Pg. 7 - Have three months gone by? This is weird.

Pg. 10 - Magical Apples? What the---

Pg. 11 - Back in Mayberry? Is Gomer out of the service now? I'm lost.

Not sure what I just read. If this is contemporary, there's no way they're vacationing from Mayberry to all the western National Parks. But this does qualify as a re-boot.
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realxwriter
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Her hair is a mess and the cleaning apron appears as exhausted
as she is. With the speed and precision of a paramedic she
knows the routine.

How did she do that? Is she a wizard?

"He throws that one down. The last cigarette Gomer will ever
smoke slowly dies."

How we would know that watching it on the screen?

Final thoughts:
I understood everything yet I can't figure out what the story is about.  He lives in the base and his wife doesn't like it, then they get back to their home and now she wants to go to her mom's house. Either the story is too rushed or I'm just not in the right state of mind to judge this,

Description and the dialogue were good. The characters didn't feel shallow or anything. It's just that  I don't get the plot of the script. I feel like I really need to watch the original show to fully get this reboot.
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ReneC
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well Gaall-lee! Jim Nabors, this is not. And, for me at least, that's a problem, because Gomer Pyle was a memorable character and this version isn't. Bunny is introduced better and has more character than Gomer does. This is supposed to be his show but from this I don't care enough about him to be interested in what happens to him.

This isn't a TV episode. It could maybe be a short, with a proper ending. An effective episode would deal with just the attempted break-up because Ellen was coming and the fallout of having both Ellen and Bunny on the base, and that's it. Stick to the situation and amp up the comedy (a la sitcom). You went too far with telling a whole year's worth of story in so short a time.

The writing itself is pretty good, aside from the unfilmables, and you did cover a lot of territory for 15 pages. Good attempt, I think you just missed the mark of making this a TV show.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Well, gawl-eeeee! You sure made a lot o' them rookie mistakes just on the title page.

First of all, y'all should've put that dang copyright notice at the bottom left of the title page.

Second of all, this is an anonymous challenge.

Three, don't put your address on the script, as stated above. Just your email is fine, if anything. But again, this is supposed to be anonymous, so you should have left that part blank. Not a promising start.

Only 15 pages. Good. I can speed through this, good or bad.

Much younger than Jim Nabors in 1964. He was 34.


Quoted Text
GOMER PYLE, 20, wearing his Marine uniform,[holds] his phone to his ear.


Right out of the gate, you write in passive voice. Everything "happens." Nothing "is happening." Only use passive when you absolutely need to, which is rare.

Mrs. Garney is original to this script.

By any chance, is Ellen Barbara Eden's character from The Andy Griffith Show?

Usually, in dialogue, you spell out abbreviations such as Mister and Missus.

Ditto numbers.


Quoted Text
Damn.


Well, golly, Gomer! Those ain't Sunday words, I tell ya.


Quoted Text
INT. CHOCOLATE FACTORY - TESTING ROOM - DAY


Is Willy Wonka in this? Or Lucy and Ethel?

Peter Hansen played Lt. Col. Van Pelt. I take it Bunny is his daughter?

I don't think characters were allowed to get so dang drunk back in them days.


Quoted Text
Together[,] they leave the taste testing office.


Carter is 29??? Sutton was 40, going on 41. I don't know about a younger Carter. He should be old enough to be both a superior and a father figure. You don't want Robin to be older than Batman. I don't want to be older than Sarge! LOL.

Wait, so Bunny is Van Pelt's wife?


Quoted Text
Now, I know it's not by the book[,] but I'm sure...



Quoted Text
She looks more upset than her father.


Thank you for clearing that up.


Quoted Text
Sergeant Carter takes the opportunity to sneak away.


Ohhhhh, shit.


Quoted Text
Sergeant Carter gets out the door [without] being seen and celebrates with a victory dance.


Whaaaaat? LOL


Quoted Text
I did.  I just thought you'd be leaving. [extra space] Not that she'd come here.


Iraq? So it ain't the gosh-darn good ol' 1960s before them dang hippies and Nixon? I don't know how you can make war funny in this day and age, post-Iraq. But Gomer seemed to in the early days of Vietnam. M*A*S*H, too. It was a different time, before we became so divided.

I take it Ellen Garney is a brand-new character? As is her gold ol' Ma.

I'd cap the BABY, especially if you name him/her.


Quoted Text
Ellen's mother, HARRIET GARNEY, 47, [sits in] one chair and [has her feet up on]  another.


Reads better.

I would have CAPPED "CRASHES".


Quoted Text
His eyes say, "is she serious"?


Are you telling us his eyes say, "Is she serious?" or are you asking us? You're the writer. You should know. "I'm Ron Burgundy?"


Quoted Text
Did you look at him, Mom? .


You're starting to have a few punctuation problems.


Quoted Text
What's goin' on between you two[? or !]


Are Harriet and Edgar divorced?


Quoted Text
She releases a cry so loud and so long that the walls tremble.


I know this is a sitcom, but is this truly realistic? We're not talking about Pearl Krabs.

Wait, the baby's 16 months already? Didn't Helen just give birth one scene ago? If you jump back and forth through time, please be considerate and tell us, either FLASHBACK or give us a time card like "16 months later."

Wait, another baby, four months? I'm confused.


Quoted Text
Harriet hesitates as she's buffeted by the wall of sound.


I know you're not taking about food. Be careful when using figures of speech. Make sure your producer doesn't take them literally, because s/he probably will.


Quoted Text
With the speed and precision of a paramedic[,] she knows the routine.


"Exoskeleton"? Like the Terminator?


Quoted Text
Harriet's eyes well up and she begins to weep.  The weeps become sobs.  The sobs become blubbering.


Overwritten? A little too SpongeBob.

Man, are your actors trying to win Emmys?

Sex? Goooollly, you couldn't even say that dang word back in them old days. Hell, you couldn't even say "pregnant." Archie Bunker was the first to flush a toilet on TV.


Quoted Text
Gomer's sitting on a bench.


Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes?



show off = verb
show-off = noun

Funny how you couldn't swear or mention sex, but feel free to smoke as many damn cigarettes as you want. Even Fred and Barney smoked Winstons.



Is JACK Santa?


Quoted Text
I've been called worse.


Keebler? Danny DeVito? Mini-Me? Doc? Dopey? Jeff Sessions?


Quoted Text
Jack starts to shiver


For no mere mortal can resist... the evil of... the Thriller.

*Vincent Price evil laugh*


Quoted Text
Tell you what[,] little guy.


Always offset with commas .


Quoted Text
Spendin' so much time alone it's hard to quit. [extra space] My wife won't put up with it. [extra space] You know what, that coat looks good on you. [extra space] Keep it.


You're having some issues with extra spaces.


Quoted Text
The clouds clear and the stars reflect off the apples[,] making them appear magical.



Quoted Text
Okay, who sent you?  You tell Duke this is good[,] but it doesn't top the super-glue on the toilet seat.



Quoted Text
The last cigarette Gomer will ever smoke slowly dies.


Present tense, dude.

At least you solved the hospital question. Or at least I think you did.

Top of page 11. I'm gonna call it a night. See ya in the afternoon. Aww shucks.

*Bugle call*

Mornin', Sarge! Back to work I go.


Quoted Text
GOMER
I love you so much, Ellen.  We're goin' home.

INT. MAYBERRY - GOMER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY


Literally!

TAMMY PYLE? Why aren't SCOTT and MIKE capped? How many kids does she have between the ages of 0 and 3? Dang, she's potent!   Gomer must have a huge "pile." Or has any time passed? You need to tell us when you jump around through time.


Quoted Text
Ellen takes [makes?] a beeline to Gomer.


I had to google this figure of speech. I'm sure most people will also be unfamiliar.


Quoted Text
For the past year[,] if you get four hours of sleep[,] you're lucky.  Same for me.



Quoted Text
The [kids] are gettin' older.  Right now I'm still barely keepin' the bills paid.  I'm doin' everything I can.


Well, Shazam! This read more like a light drama than a light sitcom. The story was actually pretty good, but the heart of the original was always the Gomer-Carter double act and the fish-out-of-water premise of laid-back, friendly Gomer in the tough-as-nails Marine Corps.

Excellent job entering.


FADE IN:

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ChrisBodily  -  June 13th, 2018, 5:46pm
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SAC
Posted: June 14th, 2018, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

This wasn’t bad, but I’m just not sure what to make of it. It seems unfocused, and wasn’t really laugh out loud funny. I even tried to read all of Gomer’s dialogue in his “voice,” but that didn’t help me any. I guess I just didn’t get what the gist of all this was, or what was the reason for this story in the first place. If it’s there and I missed it, I apologize. That said, it didn’t do much for me. However, it had a sweet ending and that’s good for a few points in my book.

Steve


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Zack
Posted: June 17th, 2018, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, this just wasn't my thing. The writing is solid, though it can certainly be trimmed up a bit.

Unfortunately I threw in the towel at page 6. This is supposed to be a comedy, and I'm not laughing. Sorry to sound harsh, it's probably just me.

Congrats on entering.

~Zack~
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