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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  The Knight Rider - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    The Knight Rider - OWC  (currently 2496 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Knight Rider by Dynamic Duo - Series, Action - In the California desert, a prototype that was never meant to see the light of day has been awakened. Now Michael Knight, a wealthy teenage loner, must drive the very car that could be responsible for his father's disappearance.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Knight Rider - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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Don  -  June 4th, 2018, 12:39pm
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CameronD
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I like the premise in the logline. It's what a good reboot does I think, twists the original concept into something new yet familiar.  Let's see how it plays out.

What's with the TEASER? Is this before the credits?

Cap FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS as it's the first time we see these people in these scene.

A lot of the coach scene reads kinda awkward to me. had to read three times to see if the passengers are putting pillows over the baby's face or theirs. Still not sure what your intention is. Some other awkward passages here too. Hoisting a mustache for example. Huh?

No need to type the cougar orders in action if she orders water right after. Ordering boring water doesn't seem flirty at all.

Fucking lemon? What? This kid is a loser asshole.

That's a lot of work to take out an implant. Surely there must be an easier way than on an airliner mid flight?

Programmed for justice???? Fucking ignites the sunset?

Do these kids have an age?

Bwook?

This dialogue isn't good.

"Because it’s the bottom of the ninth and knuckleheads get last licks. Just one strike away..." But this line is.

I don't picture rich kids partying on a rusty bird poop covered ship. And straight to a sex scene? I'm getting lost here. This isn't going anywhere.

"I usually don’t keep dick pics on my phone but... eh, what the hell." First funny line. But what's the point? You had Micheal beat up at school, sent to the principals office already, now internet shamming him? We get it. He's a loser . Where's the car?

Again I ask, why are these teens hanging out in a shipyard? Cause you couldn't think of anything else that makes sense and you're forcing your story. Why is KITT there? Randomly?

Sorry, again, I'm out. This is just hard to read for me and it's lost my interest. There is no reason for anything to be happening because you have no overarching story. It's just coincidences. The dialogue except for those two standout lines is poor, the action is hard to follow and I'm on pg 13 and have no idea where this is going. Kudos on a finished script and neat premise  but this needs a massive retooling. Seriously, Joe has as much screen time as Micheal as far as I've read. Needs to be more focused.









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ReneC
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This was a tough read, but I got through it and I'm glad I did just for the last few pages.

Very little of this makes sense, it's all a bunch of random stuff happening or things happen and deliberately not being explained. The high altitude heist, which seems like the worst way to go about stealing an implant, by characters we don't know or care about who are never seen from again once they get the mcguffin and unleash KITT.

Enter Michael, a loser with a chip on his shoulder. It would have been one thing if he had actually found KITT, but no, he's the lucky one who inherits KITT just by being his father's son. There's little to like about this guy.

When KITT finally shows up, randomly appearing just when Michael's conveniently in the worst situation he's ever been in, it's not very remarkable at all. It's really just a self-driving car for the first few pages of action. And then we finally get KITT talking, and it's just exposition and no personality.

I don't get Gwen at all. She hardly reacts at all to Michael bringing a car home, let alone the very car his father once had. Just another day at the Knight household, I guess.

And then, we get Patriarch and KAMM. Now this is the show I want. It's slick, high-octane action, I love the rock star masks and the use of the Rolling Stones song, I even like the ultra-violence coming out of nowhere (there was none of that in the rest of the episode, which is a problem but I don't care about the rest of the episode). KAMM being the original Michael Knight is a stretch, but I'm on board for that too to see where it goes.

More Patriarch and KAMM, less low-stakes school antics and cartoonish crime, and give KITT a personality. Any personality.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Fancy uses of the font on the title page is never a good sign. That out of the way, I got no problem with teasers and act breaks. They aren't really needed in the OWC, but TV scripts usually have them but only if for either network or basic cable networks. There are many series today that do not have teasers or act breaks, Given the f bombs,  

What gets me wondering is how in the world does a hipster woo a "cougar" with glasses of water, fresh from the spring?  Why water? Why not bourbon? . (how old is she anyway? 40s?50s? 60s, what?) The stardess behaves unprofessionally, flirts with him (yeah, right) "Where's my fucking lemon?" A better question is Where did the lemon come from? (also, Cougar didn't ask for a slice of lemon anyway)

So Joe keeps photos of sex pranks done by classmates. "Implies Micheal in the nude" Either Micheal is wearing his BVDs   or he's not. Oh the kids nowadays, what they do foe kicks.

When Micheal watches the smugglers, is he still "half naked"? Just zipping up?

As it is, Mike's pretty passive thus far, and there ain't nothing worse than a couple jokers who act like your pals, promise you some hoochie and punk you.
Kitt rescues him,. Contrived? Maybe.  But maybe KITT can really do Micheal a favor by hacking the 'net, instantly photoshop Joe's face over Mike's, or even change Mike's expression and with a caption I GOT LUCKY WITH THIS HO.  Okay...maybe not...but why not?

Quoted Text

ARCHER
I'm only gonna ask one more time
before my Uzi donates your brains
to the asphalt. Who's the Michael
kid and where's he at?


A bit cliche, to make it sound better, lose the threat.

"On Archer. On Kitt' Informing us where to put the camera  

The Rock n roll thugs, okay. I'm out. Besides...what happened to Arik again? Or the thugs that took him? I'm sorry iif they show up later, as soon as Mick Jagger mask shows up, I'm out. Wonder what Freddy Mercury  might sing.
Tie Your Mother Down?


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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  June 3rd, 2018, 9:34am
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Gary in Houston
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Ok, the first of two Knight Rider reboots, so making notes as I go:

How did Munro get down in the cargo hold without anyone seeing him opening the floor opening to get in there?

Why wasn't the pilot knocked out like the passengers?  He and the co-pilot would have had to put on oxygen masks as well.

Wait.  Did Munro and Pike stay on the plane after stealing the implant?  Not shown how they got to the dirt bikes.

"Hime cut?"  Is that supposed to be Prime cut?

"Brooks dismounts, ripping off his pants." What are these tear-away pants?  Pants don't come off that easily, and if he heard Joe, he's not going to just let Brook take his pants off with no resistance.

Nice intro to KITT.  Curious how it got locked onto Michael.

"The other bad guys." Pretty funny.

An armored car is able to outrun KITT? That's one impressive armored car.

A gatling gun?  What period are we in, the civil war?

Okay, the ending was a bit weird -- who the heck is this Patriarch, and why is Michael's dad wanting him dead? Bit of a cliffhanger!

Okay, overall, this was pretty good.  It was at its best during the action sequences which were well crafted, the beats handled deftly, and very visual.  Able to picture everything very easily.

Other spots required suspension of belief and logic, and it was in the weirdest spots, like the interactions between Brook and Michael. Those were probably the weakest parts of the script and could use some beefing up.  

The story did grab my interest and if this were an actual reboot, I'd be interested in watching, so good job there.

Good luck going forward!

Gary



Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Cameron
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Knight Writer...kinda works,

Right, the comments above are interesting, and surprisingly the majority seem quite critical. We cut our own paths round these parts so I'll give my thoughts as they are mixed, but a bit different.

First up, the writing. I thought it was expertly done, properly pulled together and I'll go so far as to say it was technically the best I've read so far. It flowed, visualisations were clear and the read was easy. The pacing also varied in all the correct spots, which some folk seem to have missed in this challenge so far.

One thing that will probably divide folk is the style. I think we've got a writer with a keen eye for the Joel Silver/Shane Black style work. It was pumped full of testosterone, and had quite a few throwaway sexist comments which I imagine were put in to humour. It was quite jokey in parts and never took itself too seriously, which is also quite refreshing. I'm not sure how I feel about this, and I think the professional style of writing offsets the tone with which it is written, if you get what I mean.

The reboot. It is clearly a reboot, and has some depth and mystery with the ending. I'm about 50/50 with the way it all panned out and I'm struggling to think of alternative directions to take, I think it is what it is and if you like it then great, but it'll be hard to change it without a complete re-write and change of tone and method. Not exactly what you want to do.

There's something charming to it, but at the same time a lot of it feels wrong. It's like a really attractive person walking up to you in a bar, giving you their phone number and then punching you in the privates. I did like it in parts, but I'm not entirely sure why.

Well done...I think?? Maybe?

Cam
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PrussianMosby
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Okay writer,

second Rider in a row, and surely interesting since this one should be the prequel if I understand the logline correctly.

That load of metaphors from the beginning leads to too much decoding that does not flow.

Seems after all it's not a prequel, rather a futuristic take.

The whole p3 "surgery" isn't working well in screen time. I'd rather break those sentences up to at least imply that it's a montage/series of shots… which it should be.

I generally like the intro/teaser. So let's go, I'm invested, and only fear the writing style to hurt the story… I must say this cause, while it reads eloquent, it simply does not flow smooth to build live-pictures in the head.

Okay, I see, it's more like an actual reboot of a young Michael in today's world, with the old car.

P9 I actually liked the whole youth atmosphere to this point but now Michael ends up as an idiot… weak?

The tone is very erratic. The teaser was mystery, then there was that comedic coming of age section… then it somehow eventually picks up with some entertaining parts and dialogue. A lot is overdone though, especially dialogue, which possibly is a homage toward the originals – but there's also a lot of repetitive and expositional dialogue which is too frequent and hinders the story moving forward/hurts the pace that your story imo needs at some places-

Well then you force that ending, which to me is as incoherent as the stories introduction regarding the overall picture.

Whatever, writer. I think my review mirrors my feelings about the script: it is too much of 'all over the place'.

Nevertheless, there was some notable freshness and an original approach of the concept, as well as several entertaining story parts.

The loser learning together with the car how to be a man would be the better story imo. The whole where is father Michael etc. that you bring in from the side is imo the less interesting way and could be cut. It needs a lot of rethinking and editing but it isn't a bad vision as a whole.

Rereading my review I want to say that I don't see it as negative as my words may look. There's just this certain row of things that distract from the notable fun behind. Otherwise I can feel the passion and a more sparse and clear way and delivery could help to let it shine and do your passion more justice. Solid job with some fine aspects.



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Warren
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This is a very talented writer for sure.

The teaser did its job of sucking me right in and the rest of the story did not disappoint. Well, that’s a lie; I'm disappointed there isn’t more. I really want to know what happens next! I would 100% watch this reboot, and out of the 3 I’ve read so far this is the first that actually feels like a reboot.

Has some good humour in the right places and the dialogue for the most part is solid. My only complaint is that Gwen's dialogue is a bit OTN. In saying that I can see why it might be necessary for a reboot as people may not be familiar with Knight Rider.

There are a few stylistic format choices I don’t like or agree with but I find that with good craftsmanship like this it matters even less than with an average script.

Going to be hard to beat, I think.


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khamanna
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I'd like it better if you introduced KITT as someone, not just as a car or whatever it is. I think you need to dress her up and show the relationship with Knight.
Actually I'm thinking you better start with Knight.

The teaser works, but who'll be interested to watch a pilot if you don't start it with your main character.
The kids story is good in this.
But a few things were random - like KITT appearing at the shipyard. Again, if you established some kind of relationship we'd know how she and Michael keep in touch.

In fact, the whole KITT thing doesn't work for me because of that. And that's a shame because all the characters in this are personable and drawn well.

Michael is a good loner character, I think you could do more with him.

You kind of put a bit much emphasis on bad guys. And all you have is 24 pages so I don't know if it's a wise move.

The writing for me was a bit hard to read. I prefer simpler language, but whatever.
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ChrisBodily
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Cool, the other Knight Rider script. Nice logline. And you tell us right off the bat that there's no gender switch. I did think Michelle Knight and female KITT were refreshing changes in the other writer's script. Let's see how you fared.

Normally, the font thing you did with the title would be rejected on sight. But I could definitely see it being the new logo. I see you added "The" as a definite article, similar to "The" Batman. Nice.

FADE IN: goes on the left.

Are you using 12pt Courier on your bold slugs? Some people like bold slugs, some don't. Bold and italics are historically banned in (spec) screenplays.


Quoted Text
A jam[-]packed flight.


"Resting bitch face." Nice.

Literally held hostage by a literal crying baby? I love the visual already.

"Coach"? I thought this was Knight Rider? Oh, that's right, they're on a plane.



I gotta pause for a shower break. If I don't come back, Norman Bates killed me. I'm liking this so far.

I'm back. No sign of Norman... or "Mother."
----

Speaking of maternal figures, you should cap MOM.

"sooth" = (rhymes with "tooth") n. archaic: truth

"soothe" = (rhymes with "smooth") v. gently calm, reduce pain/comfort, relieve/ease

Pike appears to be original to this script.

"faraway" = adj. distant, dreamy

So, basically, he looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter?

"[A f]ew rows back"

Googling "Knight Rider Munro" gives me some cricket player. Must be original to the script?

How does a nod "[stand] and [head] to the rear of the plane"?   Your participle is dangling.   Change this to imply that Pike and Munro, not the nod, head to first class. A nod is not a sentient being.

"Arik" instead of Eric? Is he a Viking? According to Google, Arik Spencer is some CEO in North Dakota.

A cougar as in an older woman or an actual cougar?   Your producers would need to know which one you mean. I'd hate to bring in a live cougar (and its owner/trainer) and waste all that time and money when all I needed was an actress. Hell, I'd fire the writer.

I love those smooth pickup lines.  

Something suspicious about this Munro guy. But he's more normal than a sentient nod or whoever brought a cougar on the plane.  

The Ray-bans are a nice visual... and keeping with the show's 80s roots.

Careful with past tense and unfilmables. These are the enemies of any script.


Quoted Text
With Pike, we see [T]he knocked[-]out passengers illuminate [as] X-RAY SKELETONS.


You should really write that as a POV shot and end it with BACK TO SCENE.

"an" foreign? HUGE grammar fail, almost as bad as your misplaced participle.

Is the IMPLANT a character?

CUT TO: is almost never necessary.

At first glance, I thought it read, "a baritone of pistols," which would make about as much sense as a nod getting up out of its seat and moving to the cargo. You're just saying that the engines roar to life. Good. Makes perfect sense.


Quoted Text
Top speed is highly classified. And never call KITT a “she”... he hates that


Ooh. Sick burn! By the way, what did you think of "The Hoff's" reboot script?

Despite embarrassing grammar faux pas, it was a pretty cool teaser.


Quoted Text
EXT. LA GRANGE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY


Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ba-bum, bum-bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ba-bum, bum-bum, bum, bum...  



"High school" is not a proper noun, unless it's the full name of the school.

Fact check: Texas does have palm trees.

"lined circlet drive in front."

Huh?

"backpack" is one word.

So basically, the anti-Hoff?

I'd cap SLAMS, especially if it happens off screen. Keep the sound department in the loop.

BROOK DEMERS appears to be original to this script?

KATY is another original.


Quoted Text
Katy holds onto a designer leather bag. She snorts awkwardly, displaying a full set of braces.


Haha. Braces. The awkward teenage years.


Quoted Text
JOE ARNOLD, too lazy to be a jock,


Ironically, Google tells me there was a college and pro baseball coach named Joe Arnold.

Watch out for orphans; too many can increase the page count.


Quoted Text
Michael clocks him in the face with the book. And it’s a hardcover, too.


OOH!  


Quoted Text
Joe pays her no attention. Sneering, he backs Michael against the locker. A right to the kidney. Another right to the chin. Blood trickles down Michael’s lip.


You sound like a play-by-play commentator.   Keep it.

And I see he's Michael Knight from the beginning, rather than Michael Long. Nice change.

Reminds me of the exact same scene playing out in an episode of Nickelodeon's Doug.

"Shithead." Goodbye network TV. Helloooo cable.


Quoted Text
GASSMAN
Because it’s the bottom of the ninth and knuckleheads get last licks. Just one strike away...


I gave no idea what this means, but it makes Gassman sound tough.

"We" should never appear in a script.

Synth music? Is it the 80s?

"hips swaying magnetic south" huh?

"grind"? what decade is this?

"shut up[,] dude!"

Always offset with commas.


Quoted Text
Yeah, it’s like, super hard too.


Double entendre?

Pabst? They had hipsters in the 80s?


Quoted Text
Ya know, I tried being modest once. As expected, I was fucking amazing at it.


You've officially moved up to HBO territory.


Quoted Text
Let’s go! Get that product on the truck[,] pronto.


Archer's another original.


Quoted Text
A MAZE OF SHIPPING CONTAINERS

[c]onfines Joe, Brook, and Katy.


makes more sense lowercase.


Quoted Text
EXT . /INT. DOCKS/KITT - NIGHT


It's EXT/INT. or INT/EXT. with only one period.

So an Uzi is a gun, not a rapper?


Quoted Text
Archer puts Brook in a headlock, grinding his Uzi into her cheek.


Um, double entendre?  


Quoted Text
Shoot to kill, boys.


Shoot to thrill
Play to kill
Too many women with too many pills

Hell, that should be blasting on KITT'S stereo!




Quoted Text
He loads his Uzi.


The gun or the rapper?


Quoted Text
It’s balls thirty


Huh??? What the hell does this even mean?


Quoted Text
It dawns on Michael he might actually have to drive.


Make sure you can film this. Show it on his face. We can't hear his thoughts. This isn't a novel.


Quoted Text
Did you forget how to drive?


Better question: Is the kid even old enough? Does he have a license/permit?


Quoted Text
Lucky we’re not in a some river right now


Or does-a the Katy girl-a speak-a in a stereotypical Italian accent?



Does Michael "punch" the gas with his fist? That visual would go great with the infant captor, the nod that gets up out of its seat and heads to the cargo, and the literal cougar.  


Quoted Text
The van goes right.


Van Gogh. Coincidence?


Quoted Text
SPRAYS HIS UZI


Eww!  

Michael pumps gas into the tank, or out of it? It's your job to make this clear.

[qupte]The car won’t move a muscle. Something’s not right.[/quote]

Show, don't tell.

Normally, bold and italics are forbidden.


Quoted Text
Together, Michael and friends release a JOYOUS WAR CRY.


Cue "The Immigrant Song."

GWEN RYHANN must be original to the script? The first Google hit takes me to the script.

"Mom" and "Dad," being used as names, need to be capitalized.


Quoted Text
Off Gwen’s sharp stare-


Okay...

For a bunch of lowlifes, these bandits are men of wealth and taste.

Steven Tyler getting his head blown off? Dream on.  

*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
[KAMM voiced by D**** H*********]


Niiice.  

Whoa. That was awesome. Took me all day to read it, but wow. One of my faves.


FADE IN:

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ChrisBodily  -  June 10th, 2018, 2:43am
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JEStaats
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...good start. I like the plane scene. Wait a minute, how'd Pike and Munro escape the plane? I hope they were on autopilot!

Damn, that was a pretty darn good pilot for a reboot. Not your everyday formatting in places and some spelling issues but, all in all, pretty damn good.
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Spqr
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Very nice. My only comment is about the Teaser. As good as it is, it seems like a hell of a lot of effort just to swipe Arik's implant.


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FrankM
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This is a very different take on updating Knight Rider for a new century. This one is more of a sequel to the original, which still falls under the definition of a reboot. I wouldn't even sweat about carrying forward the original's finer details because it wouldn't be fair to expect viewers to remember (or look up) trivia.

Now on to this story as a stand-alone venture...

It seems like the entire purpose of the opening sequence is to establish that KITT is a he.

BTW, the pilots have a completely separate air system in the cockpit as well as a completely separate emergency oxygen system, so no problems with the pilots being awake. The problem is that the flight attendants have portable oxygen canisters and therefore would not be breathing the snooze gas. But then again, it's a TV show.

Do things just happen to Michael Jr., or is there some kind of plan? It seems really convenient that KITT shows up just then, and then just as inconveniently picks that moment to update his interface software. Both of these need better lead-ins IMHO.

Maybe some long-range surveillance footage of Michael Jr. establishes that he's being watched by an unknown party. It helps us care about this kid knowing that someone else cares enough to watch him. Maybe the establishing shot for Michael and Joe in the office is a thermal image through the wall. There could even be some commentary from the unknown observer, later revealed to be KITT's voice.

KITT can start off interacting with Michael in a non-threatening way... maybe blinking lights on the control he's expected to hit next (it's a lot less creepy if the "driver" is the one locking and unlocking the doors). His first words could seem like a typical UI, or he could just bolt from the gate in fully-formed eloquent prose. In either case, I'd expect humans to start off with the "Apache" speak that people use when they have low expectations of a UI (think of the broken English people use with Siri). If this is supposed to be the same AI as the original show, only older and wiser, he can take particular offense to this treatment and say he's not a Zork game.

The dialogue throughout is a bit OTN, but that's something I'd expect from an early draft. What's harder to forgive is Gwen's unrealistic reaction to everything. Unless she's an android or something, but then why is she less capable of reacting to situations than KITT? He handled "The other bad guys" perfectly

Overall, great work.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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ericdickson
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I'm 7 pages in and digging this a lot.  

I really love the Pike and Munro bit on the airplane, using the raybans much like They Live to seek out the hidden implant in Arik.  Really get a sci fi feeling for this series right off the bat.    

Great visuals with the irritated passengers and the crying baby.  I was thrown right into that situation.  Pretty clever using the oxygen masks to knock every one out.  And we get the feeling Munro has a soft heart (and will be one of our good guys) when he keeps the Mom from using the oxygen on her baby.

And we meet Michael at school, flirting with the ladies and getting in and out of fights already.  I could see this as a young Hasselfhoff for sure and great opening scene for sure. Love the Principal Gassman bit with Joe.  


Michael should've seen the set up with Joe and Brook coming but a great segway into the shipyard and the cocaine deal.  Lots of great action with KITT and his arsenal of gadgets never once getting confused or convoluted.

This is a much darker and bloodier Knight Rider and I appreciated that as the original series was cheesy and fairly weak even by the standards of its time.  The big reveal at the end with KAMM and Michael Knight Senior made me want to read further.


I found this very easy to read and follow and was never bored.    
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Zack
Posted: June 19th, 2018, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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A ton of unfilmables here. So much so that it's very distracting and really takes me out of the read.

Dialog was solid, but I wasn't really able to get a feel for any of these characters due to the way it was written. After page 10 I started skimming through this...

The story seems pretty decent, a solid reboot. I like that KITT couldn't speak right away, at first I thought maybe you wouldn't have KITT speak at all.

Just clean up the writing, get rid of the unfilmables, and I think you'll have a pretty good script here.

~Zack~
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