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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Rise of Columbo: Episode 1 - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Rise of Columbo: Episode 1 - OWC  (currently 2632 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rise of Columbo: Episode 1: Two Personalities Makes One Kill by I'm Just Like Totally Stoked To Be Here (Created by Richard Levinson & William Link) - Series, Crime - On his flight to his new L.A. job,  the young Sergeant Columbo already has to solve a murder. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Columbo - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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Cameron
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Writer!!!! This is alright, you know, and just one more thing...I mother trucking love Columbo!

So, let's start with formatting and writing. The style flowed pretty easily for me, it was nice and easy to read, descriptions worked well. You pretty much nailed Columbo and his dialogue, which was completely believable. Formatting looked bang on, with exception to the introduction of Columbo, who doesn't get the standard age and caps lock treatment.

Story. I quite liked it! Sure, it was a pretty simple mystery, but Columbo was never overly complicated. He didn't talk much about his wife though, which was a shame, but I'm not sure how old he is so maybe he's not married? Maybe it should be "my girlfriend" as a play on the quote.

Now, a couple of issues, one minor, one major. It's only 16 pages long And Columbo actually appears on page 9, so the structure might need re worked to bring him in earlier. The major point, however, is that I'm not really sure this is reinventing Columbo for the modern generation as per the challenge, as it reads exactly like a Columbo script, which is both a good thing and bad if you're trying to breathe new life into the series. I know you say he's younger, but you've gotta at least show this in the character intro and try to add a new spin, rather than just creating an episode of Columbo where he happens to be younger.

Anyway, as a Columbo fan I really did like it, as a Challenge entrant I'm not sure there's a significant enough spin on it for me.

Good work overall,

Cam

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Cameron  -  June 2nd, 2018, 7:06pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Another one of only a handful that I recognize.

I liked your style of writing and many of the little details you add in the descriptions I found amusing. Like the hair piece for example. It was an easy breezy read and I was never confused.

I think you had Columbo down pretty good with his mannerisms and speech. However, I really think you need to give us Columbo a lot earlier than page 9. Why not introduce him in the beginning when they all get on the plane? Most people that read this story and remember him will want to see him as soon as possible. He doesn't have to do anything really. We just want to see him. It's clear from the logline that he will be on the plane, so it's not a surprise anyway when he's introduced halfway into the story.

I enjoyed it. Good Luck!  


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JEStaats
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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You did a nice job setting the scene. The introduction of the 707, using Pan Am, some good stuff here.

Hmmm...Columbo wasn't introduced until page 9 of a 16 page episode. A little late. You did a good job describing the little nuances of Columbo. Brought back a lot of memories of watching him on Sunday (?) nights. Same era as Kung Fu, McCloud and McMillian & Wife. Classic TV.

For as drawn out as the set-up was, it seemed like you tried to end it quickly. Too quick. It would have been good to have the murderer wake so Columbo could interact and banter with him.

Good job writer. Could be a nice reboot telling of his early career.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Meine zwei Cent:

Okay, Columbo, one of my favorites as a young kid.  The most inane plots but Peter Falk was always fun to watch.  Let's see what we've got.

Ah, the good old days, when you could just drive your Cadillac right up to the jumbo jet, park it on the tarmac, and jump on board!

Oh, boy, the dialogue is just like the old show: pretty on the nose and a bit too expository for my tastes.

Where's Columbo?  Paging Columbo, please ring your call button if you're on board. Oh, unfortunately, he's been barfing for nine pages. The script picks up when he's present.  Understand your line of thinking on this, trying to set up the investigation, but he's the guy we've all come to see, so we need him in here sooner.  Even if he's interacting with the stewardesses, or bumping into Fineman or blowing cigar smoke in the face of the person sitting next to him.  Just shoehorn him in, somehow.

I just realized something.  


Quoted Text
  REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS position in front of a makeshift stage decorated with a banner:

"PAN AMERICAN – The Future is now! Experience earth's fastest jet airliner  on October 10/26/1958"


This reboot went backwards in time.  The show was set in the 70's, but this takes place in the late 50's.  That's a weird reboot.  Beyond that, I'm not sure how this is different from the previous series.  Still good job on capturing the essence of the detective in this script.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

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I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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CameronD
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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It's baffling to me you spend the first 9 minutes of a 16 page script setting up the murder with no mention of Columbo. I never watched the show, was this usually how it was written? Like Law and Order, half and half? Also, I don't know if a guy simply changing into a disguise over and over on a long flight is enough cover to pull something like this off. Second murder I've read in this challenge, and both times i have to ask if offing somebody in front of all those witnesses in a confined space is ideal.

The dialogue is super OTN I found. Very little characterization here as it's almost all exposition.

And the murder. He kills McGray in the first class cabin with a sleeper hold? This plane is packed as it's an inaugural flight. How is this even possible? Did I miss something?

Not for me.


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LC
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Quoted from CameronD
It's baffling to me...

Sounds exactly like something Columbo would say.  



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SAC
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice try, but this doesn’t really work too well. I appreciate you being a big fan, but the script is just too easy to figure out, and the writing needs a touch up as there are several mistakes throughout. Now, these easy clues might’ve been part of the actual show,  but they don’t work too well here. Perhaps if you spread this out and gave us the ending it would have worked better. At least it would have given us more of a complete picture. Here, we basically have the set up but no payoff. Again, nice try but no cigar.

Steve


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ChrisBodily
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Your English on the title page is a little wonky.


Quoted Text
EXT. – RUNWAY OF NEW YORK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY


I'd get rid of the hyphen after EXT.

I'd actually revise it as:


Quoted Text
EXT. – NEW YORK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – RUNWAY - DAY


I just saved you a word.

In action paragraphs, it's okay to call it a "Boeing 707." In dialogue, however, is when you should spell it out.


Quoted Text
October 10/26/1958


Redundant.


Quoted Text
Welcome friends, investors, engineers, workers, crew...


I think I'd shorten this a bit. Think of "Friends, Romans, countrymen..."

"perfect-looking"

I would probably CAP the pilots and stewardesses.

"Waving friendly goodbyes" reads better grammatically.

That's a little teaser for you. I'll take another look at this in the afternoon/evening.

I'm back from another Halloween trailer avalanche. Oh and one more thing...

Wouldn't Seven Oh Seven be a proper name?


Quoted Text
RICHARD FINEMAN


Funny, there actually was a person named Richard Feynman. Coincidence?

"It's" or "Its"?

A female is a "blonde."


Quoted Text
and a camera in hand.


Film? Polaroid? Super 8? 16mm? Digital? Phone?


Quoted Text
Thanks, sweetheart. Isn't my first maiden flight.


Double entendre?  


Quoted Text
as if [they're] invited to a banquet


I'm getting a bit of an Orient Express vibe.

You've certainly captured the 50s era.


Quoted Text
Fineman follows Susie beside a curtain[, which] hides the even more spectacular


A Pamela Green was a model in the 50s and 60s. Same one?


Quoted Text
Since when do you care for the company[?]



Quoted Text
In Fineman's pupil's grows an "evil spirit"


WTF? lol


Quoted Text
Haven't you said that there's a certain meeting here[?]


You're having a lot of issues with question marks.

"AA" as in "Alcoholics Anonymous" or "American Airlines"? Or something else?


Quoted Text
Carefully[,] he sticks



Quoted Text
AA (American Airlines)


At least you told us which one.  Especially since somebody's supposed to be flying a plane.  


Quoted Text
PASS[E]NGER



Quoted Text
Costumed[,] Fineman strolls up to the airplane's main door[,] which is about to get closed.


You need commas somewhere. As is, it's a run-on sentence.

"Galley" is not a typo of "gallery." It's the kitchen.

"Jumpseat" is not a word. It's two words.

It can be "brunet" or "brunette." "Brunet" is male, apparently. So in this context, I'd change it to "brunette."

No need to capitalize "miss."


Quoted Text
Excuse me, [m]iss. I (-j-u-s-t-) forgot to take a photo of [myself]. [Could you take a picture of me?] Would be a great present for my nephew. He wouldn't believe I've been on a Seven Oh Seven. Is it still possible to do me that favor?


Too wordy! lol


Quoted Text
As Linda prepares the camera to take a photo of him, Fineman pulls the fedora's brim down that it almost touches the sunglasses, covering his forehead.


Some people CAP their sound effects. It's a personal choice, really.

A fake name. Interesting? Our first suspect, or a red herring?

No apostrophe in "American Airlines."


Quoted Text
manager who['s] got a meeting with our boss.


I love this guy's flirting and pickup lines.

I'd cap the "other stewardess."


Quoted Text
There's certainly a couple of minutes till takeoff. Just be sure to take your seat before [we do], sir.



Quoted Text
Call me Andrew, sweetheart.


If that is your real name.  


Quoted Text
Fineman [enters], unmasked again; no sunglasses, nothing[.]



Quoted Text
McGray and Pamela [leave] the lounge to take their regular seats on the other side.


Something very suspicious about that dude.


Quoted Text
Pamela and McGray [are both asleep, having] converted their seats into makeshift beds[.]


Watch out for past tense and passive voice.


Quoted Text
Fineman gets up, [m]akes his way through the dark cabin.



Quoted Text
Costumed Fineman , mustache, sunglasses, fedora... walks through the darkened passenger cabin toward first class.


Wow. Eight pages and no Columbo. But the story is good so far.

P.O.V. should be written something like this:

[CHARACTER]'S POV - [WHAT THEY'RE SEEING]

Something happens.

BACK TO SCENE

They should be written as shots or minislugs.


Quoted Text
Fineman checks her pulse, bends over her to listen [to] her calm breathing.



Quoted Text
Fineman, no costume, in his normal appearance, sits down beside the dead McGray, opposite to the passed out Pamela.


Redundant. Pick one or the other.

Never knew it was called a plunger.

If these two stewardesses are new characters, CAP them.

CUT TO: is almost never necessary, as it's already implied.

At first glance, I thought that said Carson Daly.  

"Sergeant Columbo?" "No." "Yes." Which one is it?  


Quoted Text
It's a tablet against your [A]ir sickness. Bite on it. That quickens the effect.


Cap COLUMBO.

You did. Except it wasn't until the SECOND instance of his name in an action line. It';s very important to properly introduce a character, especially an important/main character/protagonist like Columbo. Overall, I think you could have introduced him pages ago. The story is still pretty good, though.

You made Columbo significantly younger. Hell, you made him younger than me! Probably not as crusty as Mr. Falk. Probably made him "sexier," too.


Quoted Text
Delany rushes along the middle aisle[. He] needs to stop every few steps and wait for DETECTIVE SERGEANT COLUMBO, 28[. Columbo,] still a bit dazed from his sickness[,] staggers behind him.


I think that's what you're trying to say.


Quoted Text
Columbo is five[-foot] six, has tousled brown hair. He wears [a] white shirt, his slim tie slightly loose.



Quoted Text
and a fat cigar


Ha ha, I see this much hasn't changed.  


Quoted Text
DELANY
Your first flight, Sergeant?

COLUMBO
My first and last, Mister Delany.


I love this exchange. Very Falkian.


Quoted Text
COLUMBO
Who's informed.


Is this a question? If so, you need a question mark.

"The pilots[,] of course."

You have a few issues with commas, apostrophes and question marks.

I would emphasize  the word "the," maybe CAPPED of with quotes.

*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
DELANEY
Fineman is alive.

COLUMBO
Fineman is alive?


That's what he said.  

Amad's name suggests he's Muslim. Nice diversity.

"still[-]conscious."


Quoted Text
DOCTOR AMAD
Both of them?[./quote]

Wait, Dr. Amad doesn't know, either?

[quote]Why didn't? He gave her...


Or


Quoted Text
Why didn't he give her...



Quoted Text
How do] you know that?


Sleeping as in alive or dead? If it's the latter, "lifeless" is preferred.


Quoted Text
Looks like a glue.


"sample of that[?]"

"Who [knows]"


Quoted Text
Just one more thing.


Yes, the iconic line!  

"shouldn't be[,] but is."

"A man with [a] mustache, thick sideburns, a fedora, sunglasses?"

End questions with a question mark, not a period.


Quoted Text
We got his definite fingerprints. Right upon that camera. Get in contact with Los Angeles. And get me a plastic bag.


Nice Falkism.


Quoted Text
He pulls out a fat cigar and lights up.


Nice.  

The writing was rough, but the story was good. Congrats.


FADE IN:

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ChrisBodily  -  June 8th, 2018, 12:02am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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While, um. there is no smoking on a plane   and Columbo is without a frumpled raincoat,  I think 16 pages....is cheating you and others out of fun. A few more pages and the late arrival of Frank Columbo would be alright, plus there's the cat and mouse of wills and wit between Columbo and the main suspect/killer.  All that out of the way, this is the best I've read in the challenge so far. Not much has beeen changed with the possible exception of bringing it ...in the late 1950s? (ah! that's how he can smoke a stogioe on a plane! gotcha!) and having Columbo in his early prime. Nit that's a bad thing.

Well done, aside from a few spelling issues and some redundancy.


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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  June 10th, 2018, 8:32pm
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khamanna
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HI,

I think for a pilot of a reboot there's not enough on Columbo himself. I'd like to see his personal struggle as well. It could be something like - he doesn't want to be responsible for putting people behind bars but at the end, he sees it's necessary as innocent people might take the place of the quilty.
Or whatever else - I think there needs to be more on Columbo.

I liked it for what it is. Very short and simple for an episode for my tastes, but well put together, makes sense and overall makes up for a smooth, easy and quite an enjoyable read.

At first I thought that the writing was pretentious but now thinking it's rather atmospheric, there's Columbo vibe even in prose, so I congrat you on that.
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Spqr
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This Columbo is a caricature not a character. If this was intentional, then further comment would be a waste. If not, then horror would be a better genre for a story about a man in whose pupil grows an evil spirit.
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EWall433
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There’s an odd amount of reboots of older shows choosing to stay in the timeline of the original. It’s a legitimate choice and I won’t fault you for it here, but to me one of the things that makes bringing a character like Columbo back interesting would be to see how he contends with modern technology. It could be like the anti-CSI, with all these nerdy techs thinking they’ve got the case solved just because they have “forensic evidence” and Columbo just wiping the floor with them using nothing but his wits.

This one was pretty good. You definitely got the feel of Columbo down. My only gripe with it is that it ended prematurely. You still had several pages left, and I think Columbo was right on the edge of cracking the case. Maybe time caught up with you, but it was disappointing not to see the resolution.

Pretty good job other than that
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ericdickson
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I think this first 16 pages would make a great opening sequence to a reboot, which if I remember correctly ran about 90 minutes.  You've nailed the timing of his introduction perfectly.  

Great intro to the character with his face in a puke bag.  Only hearing his voice and making us wait for the inevitable appearance of a much younger Peter Falk type.  This was perfect.  Nice throwback to the original series as Columbo always seemed to have something going on that distracted him from his job.

The Mister Fineman? Pan American Airlines Mister Fineman? Good heavens. What a loss for the company...


Also a nice touch of dialogue as Columbo was always great at pretending not to know what was happening around him.  His little trick.  Not tipping his hat and showing he was the sharpest guy in the room.  

I didn't see the fingerprint thing coming with the camera, and I paid close attention and went back and re read this thing twice!  

The mystery here was fairly easy to piece together but made for a nice intro to a new series.  As I said, a great pre credit sequence for a pilot episode.  
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realxwriter
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In Fineman's pupil's grows an "evil spirit" which the obese McGray doesn't notice while enjoying his cigar and a glass of champagne. Susie does. She just looks a bit intimidated and continues writing.

I salute this action block. Well done. The underappreciated art of simplicity.

Fineman checks his completely new looks. Lastly, he puts a pair of AA (American Airlines) cufflinks to his sleeves, strokes his fedora.

Aha! He is the investor! Very subtle. Very well done. I like you already, writer.

"Ahh, you're the American Airline's manager who got a meeting with our boss. He closed the whole first class for your exchange."

You are above that kind of exposition. Don't make me change my mind.

The assassination scene was a bit mechanical. I'm nitpicking here. It described the action well and systematically but it was a bit too dry on the emotional level. You should try to translate the sense of dread and the darkness of such act. Don't write it like a how-to-guide.


Columbo introduction was a little underwhelming. I expected the lead's introduction to be a little flashier.

The camera! What an idiot.

Final thought:

It was short and sweet. If I'm to criticize this in any way is to blame you for not using the extra 9 pages you had to spare to create more suspense and have the villain try and defend himself and have Columbo nail him to the wall eventually with the camera. But you have a good craft except that your writing styles are devoid of any atmospheric flair. It's clear and straight to the point but it needs to be more. I couldn't hear your voice as a writer.
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khamanna
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Ok, Alex, I had it at Very Good. Thought it's very cleverly written and I really liked your version of young Columbo at work. He sounds sleek and smart and everything older Columbo is. Felt like I was watching him instead of reading about him. Nice work.
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PrussianMosby
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Thanks Kham.

What Dan said in his introduction, before the "results", that belongs to me. I didn't want to hurt the positive mood of the challenge back then.

I thought about how I tell you people about it since I always want you people to know who I am, because "You all" mean so much to me, that I don't want to hide that change in my life.

I truly love this site and the people. Forgive me my failure, I still want to grow.



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khamanna
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Alex. But what can you do... Looks like you're in a lot of pain( Stay strong, please.
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LC
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Oh dear Alex, so sorry to hear your sad news. I know very well how it feels.
One day at a time matey. Go easy on yourself, and love those close to you.


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PrussianMosby
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Thank you for your warm words, ladies. It'll be a long way to realize everything for sure. One step at a time I guess and to now care for my mom is most important anyway. Thank you



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