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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Reviews    Movie, Television and DVD Reviews  ›  Moonlight - good pro sample Moderators: Nixon
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  Author    Moonlight - good pro sample  (currently 1439 views)
leitskev
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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The script Moonlight is available here on Simplyscripts.

It's a good example of how screenwriting should be used to create a sense of action, tension, image progression. It doesn't so much direct the shots as put the reader in the scene from the story POV of the focal character.

If we try to apply the rules as people think the rules should be applied, we simply would not be able to achieve this effect. Go ahead, show me one well-crafted/rule-conformed/amateur script that manages to achieve something similar. You can't. Because a strict interpretation of rules of thumb gets in the way of good writing.

And no, I don't consider this script in any way non-standard. The only standard of proper screenwriting it violates is one that has been falsely established by people that don't write screenplays for a living or make movies.

Below is pasted from page 11. It's not the greatest scene ever written nor is it meant to be. It's standard pro screenwriting that puts you in the scene and makes you FEEL the pressure on the character, which in this scene is Little, a very young boy stuck in the ghetto and trying to survive it.

EXT. GWEN CHERRY PARK - DAY - MOVING
At first, just dirt and rocks, patches of grass coming into
view intermittently as we move over this landscape.
A beat, then...
...the sound of heavy footfalls, twelve to fifteen boys (aged
nine to fourteen and of various shapes and sizes, all black),
thundering past.
WE GO INTO THIS MASS OF ENERGY
...a wild series of images, our view whipping to and fro as
the boys converge and attack, everyone of them focused on a
single boy zigging and zagging amongst them.
That boy finally on the ground, a mass of bodies as all the
other boys pile on top, a true gang-tackle.
The boys unpiling now, one by one rising from the scrum,
unveil the grass-stained body of a fifteen-year-old boy
smiling ear to ear.
The tackled kid rises, gets up holding what appears to be a
wadded up bunch of newspaper at his chest. All eyes on it as
he balances it in his hands before tossing it...

IN THE AIR
...floating, hanging up there forever until it lands...
AT LITTLE'S FEET
Little looking down at this thing in disbelief.
All eyes on Little here, voraciously on Little, menace, harm,
hunger all written there.
Little backing away slowly, one foot behind the other, but...
...someone kicking the ball, moving it along after him,
stalking him.
They all circle Little, no room to back away farther, no
escape.
A beat of eyes -- expectant, punitive eyes -- then...
A breath, a flash, a miracle: some thing reaching into the
scrum, down low at Little's feet, snatches the wad away.
Pandemonium, all minds and bodies following that hand, that
paper, the scrum muscling past Little, leaves him bumped but
spared as the action moves away, elsewhere along this ruddy
excuse for a field.
Little bringing a hand to his eyes, looking after all the
movement down there: in the center of all those boys, another
kid nearly his size but, in the determination on his face and
bravura of his run, a bit... tougher.
Off Little watching the boy rip and run and evade kids twice
his size...


It becomes very difficult to write scenes this effective if we are constrained by a strict version of what we are taught.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Probably because screenwriting is a blueprint for the multitude of moviemakers to come together and create from. It's not necessary to need pages of novel-type chatter to communicate a scene. That's done in conference. They huddle, hold up the blueprint and then create from it.

The blueprint for a house doesn't include all the details of beauty or emotion connected with seeing the finished product, it simply gives the workers the information to build with, where and what to use. That's not to say that we can't slip in some creativity here and there, just sparsely, of course.

A script is a streamlined tool. Get flashy with your synopsis, treatments, etc.
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leitskev
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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A spec script is not a blue print. More an architectural model. You have to sell the house before someone will build it. 99% of what we're dealing with here in this forum are spec scripts, or something similar that is meant to circulate. They need to win over readers. Blue prints are not effective at that.

No one would advocate novelistic screenwriting. What is needed is to write the story in such a way that the reader will believe it should be filmed.

I pasted that piece of the script from pdf, so the spacing was taken out, but in the script it's spaced.

There are so MANY misconceptions that have become accepted as rule or fact that it's harming writers here. As result, scripts written by pros seem like a different species to scripts written by well trained amateurs.

Win over the reader, and use whatever writing works best to do that. That's the only rule.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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IMO, that is an example of terrible writing.

If it wasn't taken from a critically praised, award winning movie, no one would use this as an example of anything other than how not to write a script.
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eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
A spec script is not a blue print. More an architectural model. You have to sell the house before someone will build it. 99% of what we're dealing with here in this forum are spec scripts, or something similar that is meant to circulate. They need to win over readers. Blue prints are not effective at that.

No one would advocate novelistic screenwriting. What is needed is to write the story in such a way that the reader will believe it should be filmed.

I pasted that piece of the script from pdf, so the spacing was taken out, but in the script it's spaced.

There are so MANY misconceptions that have become accepted as rule or fact that it's harming writers here. As result, scripts written by pros seem like a different species to scripts written by well trained amateurs.

Win over the reader, and use whatever writing works best to do that. That's the only rule.


I agree with a lot of your premise. I agree, write in a manner that will turn pages - create interest. Moonlight is a tough example for me because I detested the movie and am not a fan of the script - obviously I am a minority in this regard.

All that being said. When I started, I knew little of the so called rules and peeps pointing them out was invaluable. It made my writing better and my subsequent decision to abandon some of the rules more meaningful. So, I am still an advocate of mentioning or commenting on what is convention, especially in scripts that are otherwise weak. I almost never do that now in scripts that are otherwise strong.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Moonlight is a tough example for me because I detested the movie and am not a fan of the script - obviously I am a minority in this regard.


You are not alone, my friend!!!!

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eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


You are not alone, my friend!!!!



Good to hear - thought I was the only one


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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leitskev
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Keep in mind I did not say the script is good or bad, or the movie. I have not seen the movie, and have only read a small portion of the script.

What I AM saying is that the writing is effective. And it's more effective than any I have ever read by any well-trained amateur. And that is true of most pro scripts.

For some strange reason, in the industry the model taught has become something that is alien in nature to what professionals use. That alone should be a sign that something has gone astray.

The piece I posted is cited as an example of what "not to do" not because it's not effective...but because it violates some system of rules that has been taught.

Dave, you are familiar with Joseph Campbell right? He teaches the monomyth. Now the monomyth, as fascinating as it is, doesn't hold up under the evidence. But who would want to read about the "multitude-myth"?

When someone tries to teach something it becomes necessary to break it down into simpler rules. The less time there is to teach it, the more simple those rules need to be made. So in teaching prose, it is taught(use of irony) to avoid passive writing. In screenwriting, where students want a quick lesson of the rules, it becomes easier to say "don't use ing words". You've no doubt seen this here.

In reality, even in prose passive language is a critical tool. To rid it from prose completely would be a huge mistake. But teaching when to use it and when not to is impossible. So only the rule is taught.

With screenwriting, things have grown even more rigid. But professional writers, or just plain good writers, understand the difference between rules of thumb and rules. The rules of thumb are useful when you begin learning. But if we don't move past them, we remain consigned to amateur status.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from leitskev
So in teaching prose, it is taught(use of irony) to avoid passive writing. In screenwriting, where students want a quick lesson of the rules, it becomes easier to say "don't use ing words". You've no doubt seen this here.

In reality, even in prose passive language is a critical tool. To rid it from prose completely would be a huge mistake. But teaching when to use it and when not to is impossible. So only the rule is taught.


Kevin,

I hate to point out one single thing of this thread that I would agree with (because I agree with most of it), but this is one of the biggest to me.

Is there any way you can write a scene where people are already doing stuff without using "ing" and not have it sound awkward?

Case and point: a casino. People in the card room are gambling already, when the scene begins. Sure, when someone new is introduced to the scene, they're doing things that are new in the situation, but for you to use active tense when people were doing things previously, it's one of the most frustrating things I read.

Anyway, just thought I'd briefly chime in.

P.S. I hated reading that scene. I don't like anything more than the bare essentials when it comes to prose. Goes to show the importance of the right writer finding the right reader... In other words, luck.


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eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Keep in mind I did not say the script is good or bad, or the movie. I have not seen the movie, and have only read a small portion of the script.

What I AM saying is that the writing is effective. And it's more effective than any I have ever read by any well-trained amateur. And that is true of most pro scripts.

For some strange reason, in the industry the model taught has become something that is alien in nature to what professionals use. That alone should be a sign that something has gone astray.

The piece I posted is cited as an example of what "not to do" not because it's not effective...but because it violates some system of rules that has been taught.

Dave, you are familiar with Joseph Campbell right? He teaches the monomyth. Now the monomyth, as fascinating as it is, doesn't hold up under the evidence. But who would want to read about the "multitude-myth"?

When someone tries to teach something it becomes necessary to break it down into simpler rules. The less time there is to teach it, the more simple those rules need to be made. So in teaching prose, it is taught(use of irony) to avoid passive writing. In screenwriting, where students want a quick lesson of the rules, it becomes easier to say "don't use ing words". You've no doubt seen this here.

In reality, even in prose passive language is a critical tool. To rid it from prose completely would be a huge mistake. But teaching when to use it and when not to is impossible. So only the rule is taught.

With screenwriting, things have grown even more rigid. But professional writers, or just plain good writers, understand the difference between rules of thumb and rules. The rules of thumb are useful when you begin learning. But if we don't move past them, we remain consigned to amateur status.


I think we are in general agreement. My mantra is:


  • If you want to be a screenwriter learn the rules.

    If you want to be a good screenwriter learn to ignore the rules if it makes the read or story better.


Sure, they are some broad rules that I would not violate. e.g., I will always place the time in a scene heading. However, I will not restrict myself to day or night. If I think sunset or sunrise works better - that is what I will use.

I generally don't use unfilmables. But if I think they are important to the tone of a scene or a character, I will. Same with asides.

The ing and ly words - to my ear scripts read better with out them mostly as a result of pace. However, I think they have there place.

etc. etc. etc.

You must get a reader to turn pages. Many times adherence to the rules will help with that objective so it is good to know them. In some cases, adherence to the rules will hurt that objective, so it is good to violate them.

Long winded way of saying I think we are on the same page.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
What I AM saying is that the writing is effective.


It is effective at conveying images through his eyes as if we’re in the scene without using any camera directions. It does successfully establish this violent, aggressive environment. And it sets up a bond between the tougher in-his-element kid and Little that will play out later (at least I’m assuming, haven’t seen the film).

But it does not do any of these things particularly efficiently. It takes an entire page of describing a bunch of kids kicking around a newspaper ball. I was bored out of my mind by the end of it.

I completely agree with what you’re always telling people. Which is to just focus on writing in a way that makes people want to keep turning the page. But, after reading that passage, I have very little interest in ever reading another word of that guy’s story.

So… I don’t know what to make of that. But I do agree with your general premise.


That rug really tied the room together.
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leitskev
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Blond. Keep in mind, that scene I posted loses its format in the process of cutting from PDF and pasting. To see how it looks on the script, it's on this site, page 11. I don't post it as the model for great writing. I post as standard run of the mill regular quality professional writing. I can read that scene quickly and without confusion, I can see the images so that I know how it will play out, and I can FEEL the stress of the spotlighted character, the little boy. Isn't that the essence of good screenwriting?

As you point out, the rules people will struggles with all kinds of weird things, such as sitting, sweating, gambling, jogging, breathing heavy.

When I was studying books on prose, they provide plenty of examples of the advantage of using active tense writing. However, these examples are usually a single sentence. But once you learn to spot passive writing, you'll find it used in literature in ways where it's tje best choice and even in the only choice. It depends often on how the sentence is used within the paragraph in relation to other sentences.

In regard to screenwriting, as with any writing, it should be about what works best. And what works best involves keeping the story moving, conveying images, creating suspense and mystery. The things that grab the reader and hold her!

Yes, we're on the same page Dave.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
A spec script is not a blue print. More an architectural model. You have to sell the house before someone will build it. 99% of what we're dealing with here in this forum are spec scripts, or something similar that is meant to circulate. They need to win over readers. Blue prints are not effective at that.


Win over the reader, and use whatever writing works best to do that. That's the only rule.


Call a script either, but most scripts are written on contract. We can see those scripts on online sites. How much help they'll ultimately be for us (aspiring screenwriters) is debatable, if any.

An actor reads a script differently than a director or producer would. Keep the story flowing.



But it's not the only rule, not by a long shot, it is a desire, however.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Let's understand writer/director Barry Jenkins hasn't done much of anything prior to Moonlight, but he had/has many big connections.

Using his writing as a template is a BIG, BIG mistake.
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leitskev
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Tony, I think maybe this distinguishing will help:
a) scripts that are meant to sell the story to the reader
b) scripts that are meant as blueprints(shooting scripts)

Many of the scripts hired by a producer or studio to write fall under (a). They are not spec scripts. But these projects are a long way from being destined for production. A script is needed to sell the story to all kinds of levels of production, including the actors.

Scripts that are written to sell themselves to the reader will benefit from any writing style which aids that process.

I absolutely place a premium on story flow. I like scripts that are easy to read, where your eye zips vertically down the page and everything is clear. I also think this can be done in a way that creates things like suspense, mystery, powerful image, emotion. I think being able to do this is indispensable.

The blueprint script can be constructed later, once everyone is committed to the project.

If you open the script Moonlight, that scene on page 11 flows easily. There's nothing novelistic about it. The cut and paste I put loses the format.
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