Excellent. Nothing I can think of is going to improve this piece.

I was trying to get a sense of the mood you were trying to portray in the opening scene, but found myself skimming.

ALLISON HARPER (23), a bright light on a gloomy day -- was kind of thrown by this description.

It didn't feel right that Alison didn't hand over the phone to Jason - that felt a little heartless on her part.

ALLISON
Itï¿¿s never too early for a good
wine. -- I liked this.

Page 3 at Jason's house is where your writing starts to kick off in this - things start to feel less cardboard.

ALLISON
Must be something she willed to
you. Open it! -- I saw her shouting it - completely threw me for sec.

Illuminates with delight once she shoves the tissue paper inside out of the way. After Alison being sympathetic to his phobia, this reaction felt out of place. I think if she grimaced - knowing it would pain him to see it then said 'oh my' that would work better.

Considering he had fond memories as a boy of spending time at Grandma's -- Grandmaï¿¿s favourite because I loathed it the most --doesn't seem to fit. If he has a phobia of the dolls because of Grandma I couldn't see him having fond memories at all - his main memory would be the tormenting moments.

Allison places the doll upright on Jasonï¿¿s pillow. -- If I were Jason I'd dump her ass right there cause that is just plain mean. Making fun of his phobia is also kind of sadistic - pleasure in torturing people.

Ok, I know I'm kind of stomping the point in, but just trying to help, honestly -- We go from this: 'Superman has kryptonite. You have dolls.' To this: 'Come on now, you big baby.' in a pretty short span of time. She comes across caring at one point then not - even in the end. With the way she has actually been and the slight fear in her about the possibility that maybe Jason was right - I could have pictured that it would have been her that placed the doll with Jason because now he was dead and you know, just in case it really was alive - no attacking anyone from the grave.

I liked the idea you have here, but this definitely needs work - bit of a clean up with formatting and the tonal shifts in Alison. Good job though.

RJ

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Warren, just a note to say that actor directions such as: "a nice guy but unsure of himself" Are preferred in professional scripts.

Hmm.

Got to say I'm with Warren on this one.  I would have gone with something akin to - his hand trembles as he lights....to demonstrate the unsure of himself - especially given the contrast the writer is using. i.e., nice guy but unsure of himself. Like they were contradictions in traits.

Like Warren I don't know what "professionals like". So maybe I am out of line here. I would have rather seen some description of the lack of confidence rather than just stating it.  

Maybe a good thread on character descriptions would be beneficial - Think I'm going to start one when the OWC dies down. Really interested in different peeps takes on the subject.  

I was a bit worried about this one. Killer dolls have never really scared me (except for Trilogy of Terror and Dead of Night) and it seems horror writers are completely reliant on the doll being scary rather than telling a good story.

Not the case here! This was an entertaining little horror short but I adored the ending. I dug that Allison never really took Jason's phobia seriously because she thought it was childish, and you never made Jason a hysterical wreck. You can have a phobia without going insane about it. I'm afraid of heights, but i don't become completely unhinged when I'm in a high place.

The script could make a really great atmospheric short with a nice Tales From the Crypt type ending. Great job!

The opening sequence, in my view, needs more on the character side. The doll pile is all well and good for a scary opening, but this is also the introduction of the protagonist, and it would be nice to get more of a sense of his character and how he solves problems -- not just his reactions, but his actions.

I'll also say, re the opening, that while I don't think it's terribly overwritten per se, I do think that the construction of the sentences/paragraphs themselves makes things harder to read. Sometimes the shocks don't really read as shocks. For example: "He urgently shifts his light down to his feet. One of the dolls has a grip on his pantleg."This reads fine, but it doesn't give us the sense of how big/startling/scary a moment this would be on screen.

This dialogue scene (Jason and Allison) is big and long and Allison doesn't seem to have a personality to speak of. Definitely coming off as a stock Selfless Girlfriend. The dialogue itself is believable enough, but there's not much conflict here, and not much other reason to watch these two in their private moments. Jason also has very little personality, but he' got the fixation, which is working. They're a pretty boring couple of people, though.

See, the doll stuff itself is all super fun. But wouldn't it be much more interesting if there was an existing conflict between Allison and Jason that was exacerbated by all the scary stuff? That's the typical formula for this Blumhouse-y kinda stuff, anyway.

Good ending. I think what's most compelling about this is the idea that no-one ever really takes his phobia that seriously, and I wish that had been reflected in the piece more as a whole. The story is good and entertaining (though I did find the big death moment a tad underwhelming -- he just trips?), but the characters are definitely on the bland side. This short asks us to enjoy watching two people in their house for twelve minutes -- they better have some interesting stuff going on between them.

Good fun. Thanks!

P.S. Throwing my vote in with Rick -- "a nice guy but unsure of himself" is, as far as I know, the exact right kind of description. The expectation, of course, is that this initial character description will be immediately supported by the visuals and character actions. I'll also note that Allison's description -- "a bright light on a gloomy day" -- perfectly highlights the issue with her character, which is that she has no inconsistencies or flaws and exists more in terms of her relationship to others (the gloomy-day-havers) than she does as her own person. This shows, though, how effective that style of description can be.

Quoted from eldave1 Maybe a good thread on character descriptions would be beneficial - Think I'm going to start one when the OWC dies down. Really interested in different peeps takes on the subject.

Not to derail the thread, but I think this would be a great discussion point for after the OWC. I'd be interested on peoples takes are as well.

The writing and scene descriptions here aren't bad, but aren't great either.

"Thenthere was the time my niece opened
her birthday Barbie and you ran out
of the restaurant."

Yikes.

I actually thought Jason and Allison's relationship was developed pretty well, good
job there.

My main gripe with this was it that it was too predictable. I pretty much knew that the doll
was going to come to life as soon as I read the logline.

However, the doll in Jason's casket was a good touch.

simple plot (guy afraid of dolls, gets a doll from his dead grandma) no problem. But then we get this weird dialogue, like others have exposition. It just stagnates the script and so it feels aimless at times.

The end is kind of anticlimactic he's killed cause the doll tripped him down the stairs?
My only complaints but otherwise not bad.