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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  To Be Remembered - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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RJ
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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Frank's son runs to Ayers and hugs his leg, he pats him on the head. -- I saw this as Frank's son patting Ayers on the head.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but some of your character interactions just don't feel right.

SMITH
Good riddance. -- seems too harsh a comment, IMO.

SMITH
...Partner. -- Smith would know what the Nurse means and hence would answer friend. He would know it is a procedure the nurse needs to follow. Showing this just for the sake of making a point that Ayers has no one doesn't really work here. It does tie in with him showing his badge though, so maybe it's about him being unsure about how to answer.

Phobia - not really seen at all.

have to say that I got to the end of this and didn't really feel the feelings you are trying to evoke from it. It almost seemed too bland. It actually feels like the story itself is too big for the little snippets of information that you've given. With work and making this a bigger story it could really be good though.  

RJ
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Spqr
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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The irony of being forgotten by all those he remembered in the community is good, but it left me wondering what else he did to deserve this treatment. And the final scene at the graveyard isn't logical, because all cops who die in the line of duty are sent off in grand style, regardless of how other cops felt about him.
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stevemiles
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Logline doesn’t suggest excitement, but I like the idea - suggests a certain bittersweetness.

Something about leaving the pregnant woman there felt a bit off.  Wouldn’t paramedics take her in and at least check?  Even if there’s only the slightest chance.

‘Ayers lies in the bed, hooked up to various machines. There are no balloons, no get well soon cards, nothing.’

It’s mentioned later, but for clarity it might be an idea to let us know he’s unconscious at the outset.  And do you need to tell us what we’re not seeing regarding the balloons etc?

Alas, he would never be concise again…

A quick read and I do like what you were going for, but it feels like this needed more time to build.  More time to explore your main character and really drive that theme home.  

Showing Seth in a hospital before cutting to the funeral felt odd.  What’s the point of the hospital scene if the next scene reveals he didn’t make it?  Was it simply to show the lack of cards?  Okay, I missed the significance of the lack of cards and mourners.  I get it now - there’s no-one in his life.  He knows what it’s like to be forgotten.  Perhaps too subtle?  Would we pick up on your intent were we watching this on-screen?  The lack of mourners might work but not the lack of cards etc.  Wouldn't other cops be at his funeral?  I always thought that was a big thing?

Where was the phobia?  I didn’t get the sense of an irrational fear driving Seth; more civic responsibility and his own moral code.

At eight pages you had the room to explore this a little more - maybe ran out of time?  Again, I like the intention, but the execution didn’t land with enough impact.  Certainly one to come back to.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Kampmak
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good story but doesn't stick with the theme. It doesn't go deep enough to actually explore what the detective's phobia is.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Read this one prior to the deadline.

I agree with people saying the phobia didn't really show, or at least not to its full potential.

I also didn't get why no one liked Ayer. He seemed like an okay person. The reason has been explained to me already though.

I thought this one was pretty good. Can definitely be tweaked into something more powerful and sad.

Good luck with it in the voting.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Title is okay, although there might be a better choice regarding your logline, which reads generally pretty intriguing.

P1 dialogue is overlong, cut some words if you want

The presentation is flawless but sorry to say I don't get in touch with the story. This whole remembrance angle felt written into the script and not organic; especially it's extremely driven by dialogue.

Well, at the ending, you fight to get some message in there and I appreciate that…

All in all the script has not enough entertainment value for my taste.
Reads like a perfect "writing" sample though, very clean performance.

I'd suggest thinking about balancing dialogues and massively compressing them to gain more context and quicker movement. Although there are other problems as well I fear.

Just my opinion, you know that you can't have them all :-)



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Steven
Posted: November 7th, 2017, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who checked mine out.

I should have fleshed out more of this, but I wrote it in a rush which was my fault.
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