All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Premise was fine and the challenge parameters essentially met although I thought the phobia could have/should have played a more central part in the story - i.e., if you remove the phobia, you could pretty much tell the same story without losing much.
The dialogue was the weak link for me. Much of it too on the nose and all of it missing the tone of the old west, IMO. It sounded way too modern - e.g., sounded more City Slickers and less Tombstone - hope that analogy helps.
No need to write "ESTABLISHING SHOT" in your Slug.
Awkward phrasings early on.
Dialogue does not sound remotely authentic, sorry to say.
Just not working at all, because the writing and dialogue ain't cutting the proverbial mustard.
The story and setup don't work and nothing feels authentic here.
Wow...it was just sunset, then night, now sunrise? Did I miss something here?
OK, not remotely good, but not terrible, either. Lots and lots of mistakes on display. Hopefully, this was a last minute submission, otherwise, you need to seriously learn how to edit your work and fix these issues.
It read well, a bit clunky in a couple of spots, but overall a nice little western ghost story.
My biggest concern, and where it falls down in the light of the challenge, is that there's no real struggle with the phobia. He faces a choice, considers it, then ploughs on seemingly unaffected in his own mind. His choice seems to be more of a moral one, than an outright and irrational fear.
Regardless, it's a nice, well written script.
I liked it, but it's not gonna win for me due to the lack of attention paid to the phobia.
I was taken briefly out with the establishing shot, which isn't necessary, and some of the dialogue sounded cheesy, not authentic. I'd also argue that this story didn't really have anything to do with a phobia, that felt like it was added in to an existing story.
However, I did like it. It was well written, you made me feel like this was a real wild west adventure. At first the ghosts angle felt like you'd jumped the shark but I got used to them.
Top marks for a very inventive way of using 'Rest in Peace' and I liked the twist at the end. Good job overall!
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
The phobia could have been magnified or explored more since most of us would've been apprehensive about going through an Indian burial ground under a full moon. Tico seemed to accept the option way too easy.
Dialog was kinda cheesy in places. It varied from very fitting for the genre to contemporary jargon. And like Jeff said, time flies when you're being chased by the dead! Pretty quick night from dusk to dawn.
The chase action seemed a bit clunky but I liked the ending. Not bad overall. A good Halloweenie story.
I liked the writing and loved when they were going through the sacred grounds. I think this was a good story completebwith good writing, the dialogue could you some work as others have pointed out, but it all didn't seem terribly bad to me.
Hey writer. Thanks for adding such a fun story into the pile. I normally don't like westerns but yours got me glued to the screen. Some of the conversations could be more personal though but it doesn't spoil the entry. I would also should have liked it better if the characters were more different to each other - they kind of sound alike for me right now.
Still a wonderful entry. Loved the use of rip in this. The phobia is also an exciting one. I wonder what the last line is. Must be another rip. Top marks from me. Great job
Wow. A horror western. GREAT combo. Like your title too BTW.
Logline is fine with me.
Love your title page.
Ok not much bad to say here. I liked all your bandits. Each had a unique voice I think. Loved the Indian undead warriors. The scalping was a strong moment.
Not entirely sure why Yuma killed Tico. He didn’t expressly forbid them to cross the cemetery - he just didn’t want to cross sacred ground himself.
Phobia wise it’s there but could have played a more active part in the direction/outcome of the story. The burial ground was good location to really ramp up the tension but it was over with too quickly. I like how you worked the ‘rest in peace’ line into it.
A quick and entertaining read, a little cheesy perhaps but fun enough that it held me till the end.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Lol I'm a sucker for a western script having written a couple myself. This was pretty good but does have a few issues as other reviews have noticed. The dialogue is a bit off at times - I think with westerns we have a cliched view of how it should look and feel thats at odds with the reality of what it was like.
A good little Halloween tale that needs a rewrite to tighten up but overall it was a inventive take on the challenge
Pages: 1, 
Author
Hell Bent - OWC
Logged
Locked Board