Encyclopedia of Fear by 0 - YA, Short, Horror - On his way to bed, a young boy discovers the horrors of his typical American house.  9 pages - pdf, format

Panophobia - Fear of everything

Another with some issues off the get-go, looks like a lot of reading needs to be done to get through this.

The longest paragraph contains 124 words in it, I realize lack of dialogue requires more action but perhaps you should've tried to trim this down a bit.

The story was okay, I assume we are going into the over active imagination of this boy every time he hallucinates. Great job adding in all those phobias too, that's a bonus and I liked the clown not fading away as easily as the other hallucinations. The sheer amounts of words we have to get through though really makes it tough to get through.

Good job.

We seem to be in an epidemic here - another one way over-written. The descriptive blocks need to be trimmed by 2/3rds.

Can't say I cared for the story - same beat over and over in the beginning was odd - a baby sitter letting a boy watch nudies on the TV. Not aligned with the ultimate plot nor needed.

This wasn't for me. Sorry.

Your title kind of reminds me of ABC's of Death.

Way heavy handed here on the writing. It's a chore to read. Visions become bogged down by reading through all these words.

This read almost like a bunch of commercials for different phobias.

The story just kept replaying itself with different phobias of course.

I didn't care for your characters or want to follow any of them in this.

This one wasn't for me. Maybe I will revisit.

Good job getting a story done and turned in. I think you were seriously onto a good idea but got heavy handed... Was hoping it was going to be something like the ABC's of Death.. my friend made this one

(ABC's of Death2 Entry) "M" is for Music from L. Gustavo Cooper on Vimeo.

Hey writer,

I'd try to add to what the others have said, but I can't and theres no point in kicking someone when they're down.

It is way overwritten, the story is a bit lacking and I just didn't really like it that much. I suspect this could be a newish writer so no point in going heavy.

You've got some ideas, just learn how to present them.

Not for me,

Cam

The title is excellent. It evokes a certain Gothic horror.

I found that the naming of the different fear was unnecessary, and brought me repeatedly out of the story. I think it would be better without them.

A solid effort, it just lacks that little extra spark of something to take it out of the crowd of generic horror.

You say Typical American Living Room in your scene headings. Typical this and typical that - don't think you need that word.

You over describe. For example, your first sentence could read A 9-YEAR-OLD watches TV.
And then there are chunks of text. I doubt everyone will go through it all - too much of info that doesn't ultimately pay off.
It's just all the fears. You could have two and we'd get the idea.
I didn't like the disappearing letters.

The idea here is good.
I liked the ending. And it could be filmed. You just need to rewrite it in my opinion.
Good luck to you with it.

I'm sure there's a good scary, horrific story here.

But your exposition was overboard for a screenplay.  More like a short story or   novel.

Way too tough to stay with for me.

Just clean it up a bit.  Condense.

JJ

For starters I like the title - eerie feeling about it. Your logline wasn't too bad either.

Try keeping your action lines between 3 to 5 lines - 3 or less is actually preferable and makes for a better read.

INT. TYPICAL AMERICAN LIVING ROOM. EVENING. -- INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

continue on with your description next, ie: A typical American household.....etc.

The INT. STAIRCASE slug needs to be before he gets there. That's not only the way it's supposed to be written, but will make the scene work in an eerie setting with the story you are telling.

Same with the bathroom - slug the bathroom them have him running into it - we don't need to see him running from the previous room.

I agree that this seems like a very new writer - possibly somebody that has come from writing stories/articles (completely different beasts). You're ideas are good, just nowhere near where a screenplay needs to be just yet.

Keep at it.

RJ

A nice title and reads like a decent short horror story but as others have noted, there's a long way to go to convert this to screenplay format. Read some scripts/screenwriting books and keep on writing, it's the only way to learn.

-Mark

Way too overwritten, there is rarely a need for more than a 4/5-line slug. Here you have a 13-liner.

Sorry, no way am I even going to get started here.  This is an utter mess.

Don't ever go over 4 lines per passage - break them up based on shot/action/description/etc.

NO GRADE

A cool little short that could be a lot of fun to watch if filmed right.

It definitely has a Secret Life of Walter Mitty, but instead of getting in adventures, it has fun with the terror we had as kids.

I would probably have the Clown at the end somehow related to what had happened before hand. Something like the mom saying the babysitter left, then have the babysitter herself standing above the bed, in clown makeup with a knife and maniacal smile. Just a thought to separate it from his imaginings.

This would be a great short for kids with active imaginations!

Starting with the, from my view on things, strongest title of this challenge.

There are some obvious formatting issues… that others may have pointed out already, I hope.

I like how it's written so far although a nine year old would probably freak out, audible, when viewing the clown shock scene on screen.

The staircase visuals do work imo.

When the staircase morphs – you definitely should get a better control about how to present these images. I have no problems with your long blocks ""so far"" but this stuff should be marked and emphasized since it's an important individual visual concept that should be emphasized and presented with clarity.

The boy is not screaming eventually, huh…

Okay, then snakes…

It's not bad, although, all in all, this is quite stuffed with effects.

You established a throughout scary atmosphere. However the script feels overloaded with cgi and green screen, complicated techniques.

The boy should give much more audible reactions toward all these happenings.

Not a bad effort. Good atmosphere. A bit too detailed in case of directing every bit of sound and image on screen. This makes it a rather slow read and pulls me away from the story and makes it more like a technical paper for all those other departments that come into play later. Better stay closer to story at this point.

In hindsight, the longer blocks are partly exhausting to read. There's definitely a sense behind the guideline of writing 4 line paragraphs at most.

Try to maintain some speed. The script is extremely slow by now. The overall storytelling behind this "partly" untidy, dragging presentation is all right imo. So, bring it to light- let it be central to your script and don't trap yourself into production decisions that rather may concern shooting drafts, shot lists or storyboards…

Still, mainly a good job, writer.

Hi,

I would say the first thing that hits you before you even start reading are the large action blocks. Really try and keep them to four lines or less.

Passively written straight of the bat as well.

Quoted Text and addresses the boy.

No need to say this as we will know she does it the minute she actually speaks.

Quoted Text The boy steps forward into the letters. As he does they disappear like smoke. As he begins his ascension upstairs, the darkness lessens to a more realistic sense, but as he steps the stairs begin squeaking and cracking. The rustle of his blanket on the stairs acts in rhythmic time with the step sound. The creaking slowly morphs into a witch’s cackle. All around the boy, a grim green light begins rising up around him. As it does, the smoky silhouette of a traditional witch (pointy hat, gnarled fingers, dagger-like nails, cloak) materializes in front of him. Each step closer into her image, the cackling stairs grow louder and more present. In the center of the witch, another definition appears in glittering green letters:

This is really way too much. I have a feeling if this had been broken up in an easier to read fashion it would really have blown your page count past 12.

Quoted Text INT. TYPICAL AMERICAN LIVING ROOM. EVENING.

I’m not American so I’m not sure what a typical living room is other than what I’ve seen in movies/TV shows.

Quoted Text -Blackout-

Don’t think I’ve ever seen this one before. I think a classic FADE OUT would be better.

So it has the same problems throughout, the overwriting and the passive writing but I really didn’t mind the story. I think it would be a great short to watch, problem is to do it right it would require a hefty budget and I'm not sure anyone would pour that kind of money into a short, but you never know.

All the best.

A few notes on opening pages:

Cap main characters when they are first introduced. The boy, since he ends up being the main character, needs to have a proper name. By calling him a pronoun, that keeps the reader at a distance from the character, something you want to avoid in a screenplay.

"no more than 9 years old." When it's an adult, it's okay to be a little broad with age (mid 20s, for example) but with a child, there is so much difference between ages that an exact age should be pinned down. As is, the boy could be anything from 1 years old to 9. That doesn't help the reader to visualize what takes place very well right off the bat.

Periods in slug lines where they shouldn't be. After the first period following INT or EXT, only dashes should be used to separate the other elements.

The writer doesn't indicate when music plays in a screenplay. That is done in post.

The formatting could be clearer. When we see what is in the TV screen, it would be better if you used ON TV as a mini slug and then tell what we see, then a new mini when we cut away, like (IN LIVING ROOM). Or you could use: ON TV: then what we see in the same paragraph.

Looks like some paragraphs are too thick. Pro script writers get away with this but spec writers are less likely. It's a red flag to many producers that the writer is an amateur.

Directing the letters to form and the way the boy walks into them is another no-no for a writer. You can use titles on screen where needed, and I wouldn't really have an issue with Nyctophobia appearing on screen for the audience to see but don't note the boy walking into the letters as that notes an amateur.


The script was different that it didn't deal with just one phobia, but several. Interesting idea but at the same time, it might be a little overkill. If you have one phobia, the character having to deal with it is more memorable. the reader would remember what the phobia was. With several, it's hard to recall every one.

The writing had some potential but with the thick paragraphs and some other little issues, it became hard to digest. Work on keeping paragraphs to four lines thick or less. That makes it easier to read and comprehend.

A decent try but it needs a lot of fine tuning to make it a champ.

Excellent. Nice writing, and I've seen all those movies!

Writer,

I can appreciate what you were going for here, but any advice/criticism I can throw your way I’m sure has been given already. All I can say is keep in writing, AND reading. And hang out here on SS for a while. You’re gonna learn a lot! Good luck!

Steve