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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Fear for Life - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Fear for Life - OWC  (currently 1672 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fear for Life by Anonymous6 - Adult, Short, Drama - Suffering from social phobia/anxiety Elizabeth has to find the strength to put away and face those fears in order to make an important journey. 7 pages - pdf, format

Social Phobia/ Anxiety - Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations


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eldave1
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Tons of formatting, spacing, scene heading errors - normally not a stickler - but so many as to take one out of the read.

The story - just okay.  The same beat over and over. To me it also seemed like the phobia was the fear of everything.

Good on ya for entering - but this needs a whole lot of clean-up,


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure I love the title... but ok with it.

The logline left me wanting more.
"face those fears in order to make an important journey" I'd like to know what sort of journey. What fears?

Anxiety is often misdiagnosed as a phobia.

Good descriptions.
Like the Voice Over.

Need a new slug when she is outside of the house and walking down the road.

I like this story although I feel it is way too long for the tale. I think it needs trimming down. I like the voice over but it gets way too lengthy at the end. Would be nice if you could SHOW her having problems with EVERYthing instead of saying it ... cut down on the VO and give us some scenes showing her obstacles or her battling with coming out the door. Or stepping over the cracks in the sidewalk or taking a big breath before boarding the train or finally relaxing... at the grave... the only thing worth battling thru her fear was to be with someone she loved. How far would a troubled woman with severe anxiety go for the one she loved? Then we see that the one she loved is buried and dead... kind of a twist.

Good story overall.. I liked this.

Good job writer.


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ReneC
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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This barely qualifies as a phobia. It is anxiety, but as a phobia she should be much more reluctant. You are consistent though, so I will chalk it up to misinterpretation.

The voice over doesn't work. She ends up speaks my to her deceased mother, so asking what are you afraid of throughout doesn't make sense. If she is speaking to us as a narrator, then that line to her mother shouldn't be a voice over.

I wasn't struggling to find a story here. The ending just barely makes it work. It's more slice of life of an anxiety-ridden woman (girl?) than a proper story.

Good effort, congrats on getting a submission in.


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Decent story, could use some work though.

As is, it seems like she is only a shy person and doesn't posses any phobias with crowds or people.  Having her make this trip routinely doen't really present any serious challenge to her, apart from anxiety that is. Perhaps make this more important somehow, make this particular trip the first one.


Good effort.
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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
A small cramped hallway, the front door centre frame. A
Venetian blind over the paned window door allows only
thin streams of light to flow inside. Stepping into frame
is ELIZABETH, silhouetted by the light.


You mention framing twice, I'm pretty sure the cinematographer will probably shoot it the way he wants it done.


Quoted Text
We PAN to the front of the figure to see her face, to
reveal the fear, the strength that she having to muster
up to take the next step. Slowly Elizabeth steps forward
and peers through the blind.


You can lose all we do this, we see that, we hear this. Also camera directions arent your job so you can get rid of them.

Some of that is unfilmable, how can we see her fear or the strength she has to muster to take another step. Scripts need to be visual.

Lots of passive writing.

No ages or descriptions for your characters.

Some formatting issues that need to be cleaned up and the incorrect spacing is blowing out your page count.

This script is turning into a tedious list.

Definitely not for me. I struggled to find an enjoyable story in there.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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I suspect a newish writer here. Here's some advise if that is the case.

The format of the script suggests it was written in Word. There's some good free scriptwriting tools out there, Celtx is supposed to be very good but I've not used it.

You don't need camera shot instructions, scene transitions or parenthiticals for the most part. You action blocks suggest prose rather than script. Focus on making the action in the present tense and keep it as lean as possible. A little bit of unfilmable artistic flair is fine, in fact it helps you stand out and establish your own voice, but use it sparingly.

As to the story itself I found the V.O. listing phobias quite repetitive and distracting. There's some compelling emotion coming from the words but little action or story to match.  Keep at it though, there's a writer there for sure.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.
I assume you've got comments on formatting - it's off. Just check out other scripts and copy them.
I think you format in Word. I used to do the same and I'd open someone's script and mine. Make them the same size and put mine on the well-formatted script. And that's how I knew where to cut the dialog etc. So I suggest you do the same.

The story worked for me overall. But I didn't like that you started the way you started - straight with fear. Something should lead to this - it reads well in a pile of entries about phobias, but I'm not sure if it will work as a stand-alone entry just because it starts so abruptly. Also when she goes through phobias I suggest you help her with visuals to complement her words. I suggest you change "spiders" and "clowns" as the ideas are too concrete - while "dark" and "noise" are okay.

Anyway, the story works, but needs some changes in my opinion. Good luck to you and thanks for entering.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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Wow...terrible start.  This is page 1, not page 2.  No FADE IN, but a BLANK SCREEN beginning - Should be "OVER BLACK" or the like.  FADE IN should be left aligned.  No periods in Slugs.

OK, sorry, but WAY TOO MANY MISTAKES everywhere, of every kind.  Why are all Elizabeth's words in V.O.?

Too many other entries to get to, to waste time on this.

NO GRADE
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Warren
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JakeJon
Here's what I really liked about this entry:

The opening scene was alive for me. The coffee bar, the characters;  I wanted to sit at their table and listen to their conversation,  drink coffee, smoke a cigarette; and I don't smoke.

Dialogue throughout the story was true-to-character.  NICE! Amusing.  COOLIOSO!!

And then LEONA says ". . . .I've got Phobophobia, I'm afraid of fear"  Perhaps it's just me,  but a character spewing the name of the phobia and defining it, is too OTN.   Just show it don't say it.

Film wise.  Just two nineteen year old ladies jawing at a coffee bar table behind an iPad?  Do I want to view this on the screen???
Yup I do!  That's how much I enjoyed and appreciated your dialogue.  Creative, Unique, Funny, stuff.

Was wondering how you were going to tie it all together and get to RIP.   But the thingyphobia made it to the finish.  (Okay lose the POV's)  Lot's of shimmy in the last three pages but you hung in there.

Nicely done.  (I'm waving at you with my tongue stuck out.  Note: I was afraid of the Waitress too).My Fav so far.

JJ



So this is a review of The Origin of Fear. You got the fear part right.


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RJ
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Separating your action/descriptions makes for an easier read.

It's little things like: Elizabeth finishing locking her door, is better read as Elizabeth finishes locking her door. You want your characters to be doing things in the now, if you get me?

I've never seen TRACKING - I know what you me, but you need to find a different way of doing it.

CUT TO's aren't used anymore save for shooting scripts (later on).

Elizabeth is handed a bunch of flowers. We can’t hear
what they are saying but it is clear that she is thanking
the assistant. Elizabeth turns and leaves the shop,
continuing on her way.

an example of how to write this would be:

The assistant hands Elizabeth a bunch of flowers.

Elizabeth pays the assistant then leaves.

^^mind you I'm not a pro, I'm just trying to give pointers.

At first I liked how you were setting it up with Elizabeth's V.O but during the middle it did get a bit tedious. Towards the end though, I started liking it again - the bus and lady were a good touch. I think I actually would have preferred it to end there though - with Elizabeth sitting down, smelling the flowers then looking out the window as the world goes by. I found the graveyard scene taking me to a place I didn't really want to be - feeling wise. It wasn't the graveyard itself, it was the script.

I thought this was probably one of Elizabeth's best pieces of dialogue though:

You have to fight off the fear and the
paranoia, the burning glare of staring
eyes that aren’t there, the laughing that
is not aimed at you, the worry of saying
the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing.

Got to the end and yeah, the graveyard definitely took it to a place that didn't feel right for it. I also got the sense that she had a phobia of everything, not anxiety, which would have fit better to the criteria.

I think the writer has potential, but is still very new to this and will get there in time.

Hope this helps.

RJ
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Vickyn
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't feel like the phobia was focused enough on social situations. It was more of a broad fear. It seems like the whole script takes place in one day, as Elizabeth moves around town. Someone with a true phobia in this area, it would be difficult to get them outside, yet she strolls around town, just seeming a little nervous. So I don't feel like the phobia was really played up to. The script needs more tension with higher stakes.

The formatting became distracting from the start. I don't know if it's a new thing to use periods in slugs but this isn't the first script I have seen do this. There were empty lines of spacing where there shouldn't be, and the dialogue wasn't in the right spot. It went almost all the way right. To be a great script, all pieces of the puzzle need to be present, including presentation.

If the story were more focused, maybe with Elizabeth struggling to even step out of her house... maybe there's a family emergency and she needs to get to the hospital before a relative passes away but her phobia of socializing with strangers on the train, or nurses/doctors at the hospital, makes it a big struggle for her. That's what I mean by upping the stakes. Elizabeth going around town, with her own voice overs the vast majority of the dialogue, keeps it from working as well as it could. Voice overs are difficult to pull off and should only be used in very rare stories. This os one that would work better without them.
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Spqr
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. But this is not a story, as much as a catalog of fears. It is informative, and does carry out the theme of the challenge.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked that it was such a simple story about a woman overcoming her fear of social situations in order to put flowers on a grave.

However, the voice-over almost makes it sound like a PSA. And we really only see Elizabeth overcoming her fear while sending out positive vibes. It's a nice change considering so many of the scripts are dark, but I never sensed any conflict. It just seemed to be a woman going about her day.

I never really got the sense how hard it was for her to leave her house at the beginning either. It would have made the script more intriguing. However, I could imagine a good actress adding a lot to Elizabeth's difficult journey.

But a really welcome surprise to read an uplifting script.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Title is solid, logline reads redundant and completely free of identifiable story-content

Fix incorrect page numbering and wrong spacing in dialogue boxes.

Avoid using terms from photography department: frame, pan etc.
On p3, no, it's p2 actually (<- perhaps you see one of the problems with incorrect page numbers??), there are some interesting images and concepts so far, but your presentation of action is passive and does not flow. Try to get rid of all the "is doING" "now outside" - stuff.

Better realize that everything on screen "is now" by its nature; everything is a chronological, simple description of live-events "that happen", instead of things that 'are happening'.

You also use far too many weak verbs (walk, sit, look, hold etc.) over and over. Better integrate strong verbs that reveal your characters' personalities.

Story-wise, there's definitely some deepness within here.

I believe the story would shine much more if you could shape out your images clearer, in a quicker language, direct and strong. Elizabeth is a good character to work with. I even believe a lot of people share that deep insecurity she suffers from. Not sure I understood exactly which phobia she exactly got but as said, I think a lot of folks out there share such complex mindset with her. So, there's huge potential for a valuable story. Shape out a pure clarity and I believe your script gets much closer to the heart of the audience. And that's where you aim at with a drama.



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