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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Damn Your Eyes - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Damn Your Eyes - OWC  (currently 1771 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Damn Your Eyes by Anonymous 7 - Adult, Short, Thriller, Horror - A scopophobic recluse finds his quest for answers takes him closer to the truth than he ever expected… 9 pages - pdf, format

Scopophobia - Fear of being seen or stared at by others


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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi,


Quoted Text
Sweeping over a leafy suburban neighborhood. Focus on MR
CLEAN, late 30s, sponging down an SUV in his driveway.
A voice track can be heard in the background - like a radio
broadcast. A heated, angry tone.
PRE-RECORDED BROOKES (V.O.)
...Tyranny people, the death of
free will, that’s what it’s come
to. State, local, federal - forget
it. There is no distinction...
Pan across a road to a front yard. GREENFINGERS, 40s, hair
tied back, kneels as she weeds a garden border.


A few issues right off the bat. You have a focus on and a pan across, camera directions aren't your job.

No need to tell us a voice track can be heard. We will know it can be heard the minute it plays because we will be hearing it.


Quoted Text
The same voice MUTTERS over the radio broadcast.


Again, no need to write this. We would know it's the same voice. You are just taking up space.


Quoted Text
Greenfingers glances our way, casual.


Whos way? Don't write a script like you are talking directly to your audience, just tell the story.

Some good visuals but overall it was like a psychedelic conspiracy rant that made no sense and therefore I didn't care for your character at all.

All the best.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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WTF?  A POV set in an INT ATTIC and not a single thing in this entire Slug is inside the attic.l  Not good...not good at all.

"A pen writes..." - WTF is seriously going on here?  Is this an animated cartoon with pens writing on their own?

Oh...no...there's Brookes!  OK...let's see if we can come back down to reality now.

Oh man...this ain't good.  Writing is bad, hard to follow.  Formatting off in many places.

I don't like what I'm reading and have no desire to continue, sorry to say.

NO GRADE
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 5:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I think we need to be introduced to Brookes before his message starts to broadcast.

I was totally thrown by "Pre-Recorded Brookes"...I didn't have a clue what you were talking about.


Overall, the story reminds me a little of "Bug". That crazy paranoia.

I quite liked it as it is. It's got a nice kind of Stephen King vibe to the ending. I feel like it needs to go further, somewhere to really hit the spot, but I don't know exactly in which direction.
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eldave1
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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If it were me, I would open with Brook.  The PRE-RECORDED BROOKS VO was confusing for me until we got to the scene with Brook and I am not sure what the difference is between pre-recorded and recorded or just voice from a recorder.

Anyway - the opening was confusing for me but once we got to Brook I got it.

Much to like in the writing here. I'd probably lose some of the camera directions as they really aren't needed and serve to distract.

Overall - pretty nice effort for one week.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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With the effect you are trying to pull, it would be best laid out in a series of shots then we see Brookes holding the binoculars and looking out the attic window. In film, unless you are directing, you don't get to choose the camera directions.

Not a fan of the bold slugs, but that's just me.

He finds a trail of dried blood on his ankle, frowns, traces
it to a marble-sized lump on his shin.
An eye blinks through a magnifying glass.
At his desk, Brookes hovers the lens over his leg,
inspecting the lump. He prods it - soft. -- It's things like this that make me think that you have a vision in your head of the way it should play out on camera, but haven't quite figured out how to put it on paper yet.

The next binocular pov is better set up because  we already know he is sitting there looking through them.

I think you have a nice little horror in there, you set a good tone for Brookes' paranoia, but your screenwriting needs a little tweaking - you're almost there, but not quite.

RJ
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Cameron
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

You've done this before, I can tell, call me Poirot.

Straight away I was worried with this one. No obvious pace changes in sight, just a constant build of slow burning paranoia. I really shouldn't have been worried, however.

The plot was dark, and the paranoia (which in lesser hands could just be irritating) was well crafted and real. The phobia, real, and you've got a rest in peace chucked in their too.

It read well, very well, and even though the weird ending bits are something that would normally ruin a piece for me, they really worked and were well described.

I thought this was a great little short.

Nice work,

Cam
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey. THanks for entering.
The beginning of it was a blast. The middle and the end - allegorical? (or allegoric? - I don't know the correct word here)

Then suddenly I started thinking it's you who has that phobia, you are a prototype for your Brooke!
And you are scared that they are watching. They are watching, aren't they? This is real. Wow.

So, ultimately I liked it very much after all.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Phobia - Check; RIP - Check.

I'm okay with the use of POV and the recorded Brookes and I think I know what you were intending, so I'll let the formatting issues slide (as long as you take the others comments seriously).

I liked this a lot. I like Brookes' paranoia, the banter with the courier, and the set-up. With a rev or two, you'll have a really nice short. I hope to see what you do with this.

Good work.
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JakeJon
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,
I sort of liked this one.  Weird and creepy.  Not my cup of tea but AOK.  Liked the idea behind the story.

BUT:  the camera angles were a bit annoying.  Lose them. Write around them if you can.

I felt the phobia was more like  the" fear of being spied on". Not sure it matters.

Regards,

JJ
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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A cool little story. Kind of reminds me of the EG Marshall segment in Creepshow, with eyes instead of cockroaches.

I liked how the character is almost an Alex Jones type dirtbag who, I believe, is destroyed by the drugs he's taking (much like the drugs that Jones pushes on his show).

I would have like to see a progression of his sickness though, rather than it happening all at once at the end. Maybe give the audience a bit of a chance to see him as something more than a kook before it all goes to hell.

Nice job. Definitely has an EC Horror type feel.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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I liked this, a nicely paced,  escalating horror. I used to think characters like Brooke were stereotypes taken to the Nth degree on the paranoia conspiracy theory scale, but with all I've seen in the last couple of years I know these people really exist! I even know a couple of guys who are straight up normal guys, but get them talking about conspiracies and they go Twilight Zone very quickly and totally believe every word of even the craziest theories.  

Anyway, a few formatting issues and needs a polish but this is a good horror. The little touch at the end is a classic double twist.

One of my favs!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Good title...

Good logline.

I rather liked this one.

Not much to say.. thought the writing was good and enjoyed reading these characters...

Dialogue pretty good.

Good job writer.
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Huidong
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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I actually really liked this one. Brooke's ramblings, while eventually getting tedious, were quite interesting. I feel like this kind of writing style might turn a lot of people off, but it works for me. Also, this was not at all predictable. Didn't expect that ending, which was a plus.
Good job.
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Spqr
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nice. Very "Tales from the Crypt." The last scene is great!
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