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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  The Origin of Fear - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    The Origin of Fear - OWC  (currently 1542 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Origin of Fear by Dr. Feargood - Adult, Short, Horror - A university student working on a thesis about fear, stumbles across a technique for identifying dangerous individuals. Her latest experiment takes a lethal twist when it becomes apparent her work is gaining the wrong type of attention. 11 pages - pdf, format

Phobophobia - Fear of phobias


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 19th, 2017, 10:58am
revised draft
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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi,


Quoted Text
A kid
still in many ways trying a bit too hard to be a grown-up.


Unfilmable, how on earth could we possibly know this?

Your next description is better as it makes me think she is carefree and cosmic.

Haven't finished reading yet but by the end of page two it already seems like the fear is faced, case closed.

Pages and pages and pages of dialogue. Can you imagine how exciting this would play out on screen?

It sounds like she is creating social profiling which has already successfully been done and more recently portrayed it a great show on Netflix call Mindhunter.

I don't know what to make of this. As previously mentioned your protag is developing something that is already developed? She doesn't really seem to possess the phobia you have listed. The ending seemed very left field.

The writing is great, it flows really well and the dialogue is top notch but that's where it ends for me.

All the best.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I liked the log line, and there's a lot of potential in the concept. The idea of killers being threatened by being revealed is solid enough for a feature.

The execution left a bit to be desired in my opinion. By page 6 I felt like I was in the middle of a lecture, rather than a story due to everything being presented through dialogue.

Still, a fairly solid ending and entry with potential.
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Cameron
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dr. Feargood, I really hope that's a reference to Wilco and his Dr. Feelgood chums btw.

Right, the work. Soooooo much dialogue that isn't really necessary, it absolutely kills it for me. You've got to imagine, each page is a minute of filming time and you've got at least 3 you could remove here as they don't really add anything.

Not sure about the phobia angle either, others may disagree but it seemed to just get lost amongst all the back and forth.

The dialogues and descriptions are well written, but there's just too much of the aimless talky talky stuff.

Well done for entering, but it ain't for me.

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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First a nit:

Quoted Text
LEONA
Have you ever wondered how serial
killers can operate normally in
society undetected.


Need a question mark at the end.

Okay - for the most part the writing taken in short bits is stellar. Descriptions, actions lines et al = great craftsmanship. I appreciate when a writer takes the time to set the tone of settings and provide vivid character descriptions.

It's a bit dialogue heavy - while any one page is fine, by the time you get 8 pages in it becomes a little weary.

Again - each individual bit of dialogue generally well written with the exception that on a couple of occasions it was a bit over the top - took me out for a sec.

So - this is a talented writer. Any one page would be a great representation of work, but looking at as an entire script - the amount of dialogue creates a drag.  





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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This one is low budget for sure!

I like how the protag is trying to deal with her phobia and taking action rather than just sufferring.

Lots of dialogue. I for one like dialogue but I know seeing lots on the page puts some off automatically. If it's well written, I can imagine the actors really pulling it off. Someone mentioned Mindhunter, which is a great example. I've just started watching that - very compelling but about 90% dialogue.

Maybe streamline it by a few pages or have more action in-between the talky heads to help those with a phobia for dialogue.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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You can write, I'll give you that.

I liked your idea behind this, but it got a few pages in and dialogue upon dialogue in the same scene setting became monotonous.

Seems a bit odd that Imogen knew about the thesis - this isn't fully explained.

By the end I did really like this, but feel that it needs a few tweaks to really come into fruition.

RJ
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Nice short you've got there. I loved it up until the twist. I think it was done for the sake of criteria. I suggest you change it to something more suitable for this kind of story. Don't know what to suggest - but when her friend Imogen became a threat it went downhill for me.
Especially when the other couple showed up.
Maybe it was not about real threat and then it suddenly became real. Can't put my finger on why exactly though.

Thanks for entering!
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JakeJon
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi,
I really enjoyed your entry.
The Coffee Bar was real for me.  These two nineteen year old ladies were wonderfully depicted..  AND here's the scary thing, your dialogue was so true-to-character that I wanted to be sitting at their table.  Listening to their conversation, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette; and I don't smoke.  Great Stuff.  COOLIOSO.

BUT THEN.   Leona says  ". . .I've got Phobophobia.  I'm afraid of fear."  Just show it.  Don't say it!  Too OTN.  Took me out of the story. Just momentarily, fortunately.

Film-wise:   Would I sit and watch two teens jawing at a coffee bar.  Hmmm?  Yup, that's how much I enjoyed the banter. Fast paced and amusing. AND it remained solid and consistent, throughout, despite your THINGYPHOBIA.

Was wondering how you were going to tie it all together and get to RIP.  Last three pages were a little shaky but you made it.  (lose the POV's)

Some writing errors here and there but the dialogue and story were so refreshing and alive that I didn't care.

GOOD STUFF.  My fav.. so far.  (I'm waving at you and sticking my tongue out AND NOTE:  I was afraid of the waitress also.)
Keep up the good work!

JJ

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DanC
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Best one I've read so far.  Are there issues, sure, but, having one week tends to have issues.

This story was pretty intense, but, I was a bit lost at the end.  I guess I wasn't sure if this was going supernatural or staying "real."

I thought it was pretty solid.  I liked how IMO got inside the other person's head.

One nitpick.  If she's 19, why is she doing a thesis?  Is she brilliant?  Most 19 year olds' go to college, then, in Grad School, do the thesis.

Otherwise, good job.  Story was fun.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Title page off center...not looking good.

If this is truly an INT shot, why would a sign for the place be inside over the door?

You have an entire passage to intro Leona, ending in a completely unflimable sentence.

I can imagine that some will like or love this dialogue, but for me, it sounds very artificial and unlike anything two 19 year old chicks would say.  It also seems to go on forever and I don't see anything akin to a story here so far.

Page 6, now the dialogue exchange is going on...and on...and on, and there's nothing else happening in this coffee bar place.  Talking head syndrome to the maximum!!!

Hmmm, and then, out of nowhere this gets all crazy out of the blue.  Kind of like another one I read earlier that was slow and then batshit crazy, but here, there is absolutely no foreshadowing, no reason for this killing.

On one hand, I like this, and the writing is good, the dialogue, witty.  On the other hand, I don't like how things came out of left field for no real reason that I can decipher, and the dialogue for me is irritating and unnatural.  So, looks like I have to go down the middle for the most part.

Grade - ***

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JEStaats
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I don't think the dialog is excessive at all. The content and quality is good and, with the right actors, could be filmed very without getting boring. I could visualize the scene and think it would be intense. Good work!

Some of the dialog is OTN but that's east to fix. Give it a rev and re-post after this OWC is done.

Phobia - check; and RIP - check. Top five for me.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Title page isn't centered,

Was pleasantly surprised when I scrolled down to the next page andget some decent writing .... and no gigantic blocks of action and dialogue that I need to get through. The dialogue did seem a bit much it certain areas. If you plan on a re-write of this than perhaps try and nip a bit off some of the lines. Imogen's dialogue was entertaining to read, her  comment on the guy's beard was good.

Not really sure why they came in and started a killing spree all of a sudden, maybe I missed some things.

Other than that good effort with this.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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No mention of phobias in your logline.

First thing most readers are going to do is look at your script and if the title page and the margins and spacing are off... it's going to be a turn off. Some people will stop reading at that point.... lots of free writing software out there to help you format.

I laughed out loud on page 2.

You have some good dialogue going on in this. But it goes on way too long. They become two talking heads and I find myself skimming a little bit.

The whole killing thing went south for me.

I was thinking this may have played out good like found footage.. of just her going into a place where everyone interviewed had a fear for a certain bar worker... and then in the end... the bar worker kills everyone in there.. and someone finds the tape ... sort of Blair Witch ... but it played out like it did and it was ok for me.

With some work this could be a good one.

Good writing.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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My two cents, which aren't worth a plug nickel in this place:

1.  Some formatting issues throughout -- line spacing and bottom page margins seem off for some reason.
2.  A lot -- a LOT -- of dialogue here, about three pages too much.  You have a lot of deflection (which I get in part based on the ending), but it's a bit much.  We don't get to the real action until about page 9, and then the whole thing is wrapped up very strangely in about a half a page.
3.  What do the old man and woman have to do with the rest of the story, and why did Imogen decide to kill Leona in a public place?  Seems very unlike a serial killer.  Plus, after about 9 1/2 pages of pretty good writing, you save the worst writing for the end because it just seems like a rushed ending.
4.  Anyhoo, the writing itself (other than that ending) is pretty decent, just need less of it and clean up that ending and this will be much better.

I give it 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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