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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Brown Water - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Brown Water - OWC  (currently 2712 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Brown Water by Dena Mckinnon writing as Something Is Down There (pale yellow) - YA, Short, Drama - What if the only thing you were scared of was the only thing that could save you?  8 pages - pdf, format

Hydrophobia - Fear of Water


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 8th, 2017, 11:04am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, first thing is the title page. Just stick to 12pt courier. Having a colored Creature/Rocky Horror 14 pot font suggests gimmick

How does Catfish speak?There's some dialogue  that is slightly inconsistent. Soe times it is "broken" english, sometimes not. Sometimes he says "ya" and sometimes he says "you". r "yer" and "your"
Tadpole also has dialect issues (p4- "her and 'er)

I'm still kind of curious as to what (or who?) was in the brown water. Was it Juile, the voodoo witch? that is mentioned? Is it Tadploes mother?

That all out f the way, the script isn't is as half bad as I thought it would be.Overall, it's fairly well done. And I'm not the biggest flashback or voice over narrator fan either out there either.

Good work.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Warren
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi,

Considering this is an 8-page drama and you pretty much gave all that information away. I'm almost sure who wrote this.

The title page is downright horrible, it hurts my eyes.

She does this, she does that, she does this. Try changing the perspective from which you are writing, it will make for a better read.

The writing in okay. I don't think the story makes much sense and intern doesn’t have much substance if you take away the time it would have taken to write the accent throughout. A well-written accent and ridiculous title page does not a script make.

Not for me.

All the best.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  October 23rd, 2017, 11:18pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 4:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There was a lovely atmosphere to the opening.

The script itself was ruined by the Anti-Christian bigotry. The Church and the Priest as the bad guys is just about the biggest cliche in films and stories about now. It's become almost a necessary part of writing, it seems.

As soon as it appears, you know how it's going to end.

Get rid of all the religious aspect and have it as simple struggle between a girl afraid of water against a nasty rapist, and it would be a lot stronger in my opinion.
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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet; I actually really liked this and would have to say that it's my favourite so far.

I have an inkling about who wrote it and sense they've done a couple of different things to throw some people off scent. (as always, I may be wrong)

Sure, it's not a fresh story, but all in all, IMO, it's well rounded and works.

One thing I didn't like was Catfish having that name. Tadpole itself was a strange name, but something I could come to terms with. I see what you're trying to do with tying the names together, family and all, but it did take me out of the read - too strange.

Writing was good, it flowed, I really don't have much more to say about it.

Good job.

RJ
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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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The title didn’t grab me, but the opening did.  Full of atmosphere and mystery - solid scene with the canoe.  Something about that swamp/bayou setting always pulls me in.  Another creepy priest gives me pause, but it all tied back into Tadpole’s phobia.  There’s a lot of backstory to fit in here (mother, Julie Brown) so I can understand why you went with a narrator - it works for me.  The space was there to tease this out a little more, I’d not be complaining if you did.  A good read.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I liked quite a bit of this little story. With a couple revs and a clean up, I think you could have something here. Alligators? Or a big anaconda? Or something a little more sinister? Some backstory or some legend perhaps?

Phobia - more like a fear of what lurks in the bayou, not water. RIP - check.

Good work. Good luck.
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Cameron
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer,

Wow, that was properly atmospheric and just a visual treat. The brown water references in lesser hands would just get annoying after a while, but this was great.

Plods along, but with menace and a brooding sense of fear and resentment. Another religious one, always gonna happen in this horror filled month, not an issue for me. I can't really add anything other than it was just a joy to read and an absolute treat.

Really well done,

Cam
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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I've seen produced scripts with a fancy title page and produced scripts without. Myself, I don't mind either way but as you will see from some of the comments, some people get quite offended by them so it's a risk.

The script is well written, solid and atmospheric. I love the southern American vibe going on with the dialogue. It's quite risky trying to tackle such a rich accent but you pull it off well.

I loved the opening scene. Very powerful and rich. I was confused as to what the guy was reaching for out for in the water and this confusion stayed with me through quite a few flashbacks and a surprising number of scenes for such a short.  

What I get from this script is that the writer is not afraid to take risks, that should be applauded. For me, it's a bit too confusing as is written. But, with a bit more work, I think this script could be epic, as it is it is still really good and one of the stronger ones of this OWC.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cameron
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films

The script itself was ruined by the Anti-Christian bigotry. The Church and the Priest as the bad guys is just about the biggest cliche in films and stories about now. It's become almost a necessary part of writing, it seems.


Hey Scar Tissue, just thought I'd make a quick point re the above. It's the second time I've seen this comment on the challenge.

We all have beliefs and whilst it's valid and right to maintain them, I'm not a fan of comments like this. Jeff took issue with one of mine a couple of challenges ago for a similar use of god as a vehicle, but he was polite enough to let it be and pass the script to one side.

Whilst things are the way they are in the world (Cardinal Pell and his court case in Melbourne, for example), I think a script like this is perfectly valid, and maybe it's best to just pass on it rather than claim it as propoganda, as I very much doubt that's the point of the author.

Revision History (1 edits)
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Steven
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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I could hear those damn muddy boots as I've been in that sorta situation myself. My favorite part of this was the visual you made me see, plus the "writing for the environment" was right there. I could hear these people speak and I recognized the dialect you were going for.

That said, be careful with the "spelling of words how they sound" type of dialogue. You had "wassant" in one VO and "wasson" in another, but both being used the same way. Also "fur" should be "fer" when used in that context as someone could think you literally mean fur. Lastly, voodoo is one word.

The story was good enough, no real complaints.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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The title page is either going to get peeps excited or downright pissed off.  I think it looks OK, as is, but bet alot will bring it up in a negative way.

Opening line is well written.  It pushes the bounds of being too novelistic, but for me, it's a solid start.

V.O. Dialogue that follows is also good, but you've omitted several apostrophes, and that takes away from the slang sounding real.

2nd Slug is not correct, really.  Is this scene really taking place EXT CANOE?  Sure, they're in a canoe, but the scene is really taking place the same place it was earlier - in the swamp.  Also, you have Tadpole watching them, and he is definitely nowhere near the canoe.

I really wish you named the man and woman characters...especially if this comes into play later.

Even this next scene has issues in terms of where it's set.  Tadpole, in theory, is not in the same vicinity as the canoe, yet they are here in the same Slug.

Page 3 - Remember, when you use a name or anything that stands for a name in dialogue, it needs to be offset with a comma(s).

Quite a few missing apostrophes throughout, not only in slang contractions.

In the Flashback, is Father Jimmy the same age he is now?  If not, you need to tell us.

Missing numerous commas.

Many "sentences" could/should be turned into compound sentences, connected with a comma.

Many passages not broken up properly, containing multiple views/shots/etc.

Who is Janey?

Page 7 - You end your Flashback correctly, and we're back in the same scene we were when the Flashback started, but you don't want to start (restart) the scene with dialogue, just like you don't ever want to start a scene with dialogue.

"THREE O'CLOCK" should not be included in the Slug, as we don't see that.

The end.  It's good.  Writing is good.  Tone and theme are good.

There's alot here and because of that, I think you should have used all your pages, but as is, still a good effort.

Grade - ****



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eldave1
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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I liked it - quite a bit. Very visual , spot on dialogue so this is going to get a high mark from me. I'm only going to comment on the negatives so hopefully the writer takes it in that context.

-- Too many lines starting with she or he - becomes tedious and is really in contrast to some of the creative descriptions - shake it up a bit.

-- Tadpole's gender - helpful if stated when first intro'd. Not a big deal - but a had to go back to check - oh. she's a she.

-- The Father Jimmy dialogue on spilled milk seemed forced to me - i.e, did not see that it to a natural lead in for baptism. I actually the story would work better if the baptism was being forced on Tadpole by his father - would create some tension while tadpole waits for the fateful day.

- I don't think you need the blood in the water at the end - the mystery of the brown water is already filled with a creepy tension.

My favorite so far. Nice work.


Quoted from Cameron


Hey Scar Tissue, just thought I'd make a quick point re the above. It's the second time I've seen this comment on the challenge.

We all have beliefs and whilst it's valid and right to maintain them, I'm not a fan of comments like this. Jeff took issue with one of mine a couple of challenges ago for a similar use of god as a vehicle, but he was polite enough to let it be and pass the script to one side.

Whilst things are the way they are in the world (Cardinal Pell and his court case in Melbourne, for example), I think a script like this is perfectly valid, and maybe it's best to just pass on it rather than claim it as propoganda, as I very much doubt that's the point of the author.


Not to hijack the thread - but I concur, especially regarding the use of the term bigotry.  It improperly assume the author's intent and that they are not Christian in the first place (not that that matters - it's just a logic issue).

People don't write about the one billion successful plane flights - they write about the rare plane crashes - that doesn't make them anti plane. They don't write about the security of banks, they write about bank robberies.  So not writing about all the good things a Priest does and focusing on the evil that a some have done is not bigotry. It's the nature of the beast. And - this writer did not write Christ advocates molesting people.  

So, yeah - it may be a tired plot point and criticism in that vein is fair - bigoted is a bridge too far.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I mean no offence towards the writer, it's just that to me the trope has become so utterly overused that I can no longer see it as anything other than an attack on a particular religion.

Whenever a Priest appears in a story on TV or on Film they are invariably a child sex abuser.

Clearly there remain issues surrounding this topic within religious institutions, just as they remain in political organisations, the judiciary, Hollywood etc. It's just that in stories it's almost always Priests and the sheer number of these stories creates an unbelievably biased narrative. Were one to base their opinions on the media then one would have the impression that the sole source of child sex abuse was Christian clergymen, when the reality is that most cases take place in the home.

I'm just bored of it on every level.
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eldave1
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Still disagree - but perhaps better for a different thread. Totally my fault for fueling the fire here. Will engage on a separate thread if there ever is enough interest to have one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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