I must be the odd one, but., I found it boring.  Sorry.  

I think I was confused by the flashbacks without ages, so, it was hard to follow the timeline.

I agree that the use of religion as the evil guys is a bit too typical, but, it is what it is, right?

Just not my cup of tea.

Oh, and the phobia wasn't true.  The RIP was great, but, she didn't have a phobia of water, but, as someone else said, what was IN the water.

Dan

Quoted from DanC I must be the odd one, but., I found it boring.  Sorry.

Nope, agreed.

Picked this one out of curiosity of the discussion.

I always LOVE when writers use something besides standard font for the title on the cover page. Shows the writer has some creativity and is willing to push a little further. I wish I could do this too, but I can't figure out how.

The story is good. Reads well and like others have said, very atmospheric. I did feel that the priest groping Tadpole's mother felt a little cheap. If you still want to keep that angle, it needs to have something more. Maybe the priest is convinced that he's doing the right thing. Maybe he thinks if she has sinned and let's say had been unfaithful to her husband, he, the priest believes he has to cleanse her down there? He has to have some religious belief to why he does why he does, otherwise it just comes off as a cheap way to feel her up and get off.

Good job!  

My two cents, which in today’s world, aren’t even worth a penny:

1. The action lines are pretty well written. Very visual. Could easily picture what was happening.
2. Sorry, but I was not a fan of the dialogue. It’s difficult to write in dialect and make it sound authentic.  Plus I was coming away with a “Forrest Gump” vibe (Mama always said...). Bit on the nose in places.
3.  Was the thing pulling the bad guys under the water Tadpole’s mom? Not totally clear on that.
4.  Why would Tadpole agree to go be baptized when she’d seen what had happened there before? I think I was too easy a solution to the ending.  
5.  All in all, a pretty decent effort here.  Would really work on the dialogue in any future version of this.

I give this 3.75 pumpkins.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi,
I was "sucked" into your short as soon as I heard the "sound of boots sucking mud"  in the BAYOU SWAMP.
AND when we exited the SWAMP, I thought this is going to be Creepy Good.  It was.

The scenes and characters were vivid.  I admire your courage attempting  poor, southern, Bayou characters' dialogue.  Don't know if it was accurate, but I bought it so KUDOS.

AND Then:  the  (V.O.)'s.  TADPOLE'S opener was Okay, but why CATFISH (V.O.) on page 2 ?  Read like he was there.  Was he?
Then TADPOLE,  in front of the church and in the church.  Necessary?  I hope it wasn't  Ferris Bueller 4th Wall stuff.

TADPOLE'S (V.O.)'s in the  FLASHBACK kinda confused me.  Action lines seemed just a continuance of Tad's (V.O.).

Action Line: Everyone else is moved on.  It's Mama's turn .  Father Jimmy
                  takes his time with her.  Dunks her over and over.
                                              TADPOLE  (V.O.)
                                 No way I was getting baptized like
                                  that.  No way I was ever goin in
                                  that water.
Action Line: Looks like he's drowning her, leaving her down longer.  And
                  longer.  But she comes up the last time gasping.

Unfortunately, the entire scene could have been one long (V.O.).  No difference.  Confusing.

And then Father Jimmy gropes and squeezes Mama in the bushes.  Another rotten priest, but okay.

Finally,                                      TADPOLE (O.S.)
                                    Mama?

So Tadpole was hiding during the baptizing and her (V.O.)'s were sounding over the theater speakers?

ANYWAY,  You can see I'm not a fan of (V.O.)'s.  JMO I'm certain, but I think they're kind of a "Cop Out".
a short-cut of sorts, to show what a character is thinking.  It's all about action for me, even if it means fewer pages.

NOW! after all my glibness,  This was a Great short: Story, dialogue , pace.  For me, one of the best!  Like I said, Creepy Good!

Regards,

JJ

Hey, writer.

What a great story. So expertly told. I loved everything about it.
Got lost about where the blood came from on p7. Looks to me like she drowned herself.

Anyway thanks for a great read and thanks for entering.

Like the title

Milk the first scene.

Take out the preacher/mother stuff. Find another reason for the mother's death.

Decide if you will link this to the real legend of Julie Brown or take the legend out altogether.

Well I like fancy titles, and this one fits well.

Everything else has been noted.. The one thing I do think you need to do is ramp up the phobia element. I wasn't feeling that enough.

Nicely done all the same. Some style amidst the ordinary and I like you did something different. It's memorable and that's good. The lyricism of the piece shines through. Btw one of my fav Aussie movies with crocs, terrifying too, is Blackwater.

I'd bet money on who wrote this, but then I could be wrong.

Always like a good Southern gothic. I thought this one was well-written and lots of fun. Pretty darn predictable, but that's not the end of the world -- it's placing a familiar story in a specific context, and one that works.

The script's logline, I think, points to the issue with the story overall: the brown water (and everything it represents) doesn't so much save Tadpole as just continue its retributive rampage. What effect does this have on Tadpole? She's our protagonist, but her final choice is really just to go along with what Jimmy's asking of her in the first place. I think the stakes need to be pushed way higher on her fear of the brown water in particular, so that we get the point when we learn what it really is and why she has nothing to fear from it.

I also think the flashback comes at the wrong time -- essentially immediately before the climactic choice, which undercuts the latter. In my view, something needs to happen in present time that allows Tadpole to confront that past and to make a choice about the future.

Anyway. Good strong work with interesting imagery. Enjoyed this one.

Really great writing and atmosphere. The style really was great.

However, I really never knew what it was about. There isn't any momentum to the story and if it wasn't for the hook at the beginning I'd have no clue that anything was going to happen. The Tadpole character was interesting and it's always interesting to see the adult world through a child's eyes. And I like the idea of a cursed pond where baptisms take place.

And after I started reading you made me completely forget my initial reaction when I giggled at the title Brown Water and thought of a toilet. So very well done!

Nice job!

Started off strong with a great first scene, got me hooked into the story right away and it kept up throughout. Enjoyed the writing in this too, dialogue was unique.

Not all too fussy about the names though, I get it living in a swamp your bound to have some odd names, but this is just a small issue I have.

Kinda like to know exactly what took the priest, I'm thinking maybe an alligator.

Great job with this, one of my favs in this OWC for sure.

Solid title
Another logline that is teasing with style. It reads fine but there's no plot and movement what is to be expected.

My major problem here is that I haven't understood the first scene, better said its impact on story. What was it there for? As far as I see it, there never was a payoff or conclusion why the MAN drowned the WOMAN. There was no clear context built later. A set-up without payoff. Not a good choice as a story hook.

Too many characters for my taste, then flashback, V.O. … this was just too unfocused for me. There were some nice visuals and I liked the protagonist, but as a whole story, this just went along and I wasn't sure what it stands for.