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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Eisoptrophobia - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Eisoptrophobia - OWC  (currently 2658 views)
JakeJon
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi

Nice, easy read.  Maybe more scary than horror.  There's a difference for me maybe no one else.
Met all the OWC requirements.  A few more pages to increase the horror maybe?
But good effort.

Horror would have been if the lights went out when poor Jack was still on the commode.

Regards,

JJ
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khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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This was short and nice.

Perhaps a bit too short. When you don't know what the creature is and what exactly it wants (conquer the world or something?) you want to feel the atmosphere and enjoy a slow build up. There's no atmosphere or build up and I really missed it in here.
There's a similar movie with Jake Gyllenhaal - I personally don't like it but it's a good movie and thanks to the aforementioned atmosphere I believe.
Or You could also show the motive. Next Sam starts seeing his doppledanger in the mirror... Just an idea

Nice job nonetheless and thanks for entering
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eldave1
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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I thought the writing was solid for the most part.

Another one though where the phobia is kind of undermined by the horror aspect. The dude does see another being in the mirror other than himself - so yeah - he's afraid of it like any rational being would be.  

The back and forth on whether he's going to the head or not at the beginning became a bit tedious and didn't seem quite like the right setting for the fear confrontation. A friend or a family member locking him in the bathroom at home would have been more compelling for me.

Anyway - solid effort for one week for sure.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  October 26th, 2017, 2:49pm
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stevemiles
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of the title.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Fast food joint. Mostly empty. Eight people sit, crowded at a table.


Could you simplify this and lose the orphan?


INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Mostly empty. Eight people sit crowded at a table.


While we’re at it, do you even need ‘mostly empty’?  Is it crucial?


     JACK
Alright, is doing this gonna kill you?

Hmm, this is someone’s last Happy Meal...

One moment Sam wants to know what Jack’s afraid of, the next he knows?

Lots of little action lines between the dialogue (sighs, struggling with words, raising eyebrows etc.) many you could do without.  Try stripping them out and trusting the dialogue.  Let it flow.

‘I see myself blinking sometimes’ - Okay, that’s creepy.

Is Jack in a stall or a urinal?

I’d much prefer Mirror Jack just turning off the light than seeing the doppelganger behind him.  IMO, Mirror Jack turns out the lights, sound of feet etc. is far creepier than knowing where it’s coming from.  It leaves a little more to the imagination which ups the chills.

Okay, so I really like the premise here.  I’m not a big horror fan but something tells me this might not be the most original idea.  But given the simplicity alone I could see this getting picked up.  These kind of shorts have a lot of appeal.

The writing feels a bit rushed but nothing that can’t be smoothed out.  Dialogue’s a little forced in places - more tell than show, is there a subtler way to deliver that set-up?  And why now?  It seems like Jack might have tested this sooner - maybe give us something here to answer that.    Give this a revision and you’ve got a solid short.  Good stuff.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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A very Twilight Zoney script! Cool.

I like the relationship between Sam and Jack, though it sounds like they've been friends for a while, so it's surprising Jack hasn't fully explained his phobia.

I also wish there had been a little more to build the mythology of why, out of everyone on earth, is Jack's reflection trying to escape. Whether it be hinting at a parallel universe in the mirror where real Jack is trapped or somehow showing there are tons of reflections walking amongst us. It is a cool idea, so it would be very intriguing if you delved into it a bit more.

Great job!
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SAC
Posted: October 30th, 2017, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Even for a slim 7 pages this feels like it went on a page too long. It took until page three to get to what the phobia was and I feel that might have been too long, seems like there was a lot of unnecessary dialogue. That said, I liked this a lot. I think it’s a pretty cool idea you’ve got. I’d work on this some more. Good job!

Steve


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Of course, in case of titles, this one belongs to those that might read strange to an independent audience. On the other hand, a strange impression is not a completely bad one imo; it raises questions and is definitely remarkable at least.

Logline is easy to comprehend, quick and close to character, so here, I'd say it's okay even when there isn't much plot movement.

A super fast read and tidy presentation.

Back and forth dialogue, before entering the bathroom, felt dragging, not truly entertaining - get some visual experience into their talk to make it more vivid.

The appearing Doppelganger game in front of the mirror was interestingly played out.

The final "non-conclusion" then felt more like a clever, ironic way to end things. Too nice and sweet for my taste. The script started very talky, then got better, so imo there now must be a further increase of substance in the ending, other than going back to vague, mysterious field and FADE OUT.

But it's not easy to accomplish that and I give no advice on How here - no clue. Just interested if you got a plan B later.

Good entry. A well handled little scenario. It could need more activeness in first act and a striking ending-concept imo



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