On the go notes:
"Around them the world doesn’t know its ending for
someone."
I don't mind unfilmable in scripts, but don't take it too far. Remember to show, not to tell.

Wait a second, I just realized why I can't imagine those characters. I think you never mentioned their age. Moving on,

"Silence turns into a mantra."
Love this sentence even though I don't think I fully understand it.

"The sky reeks of grey clouds choking out the sun."
Nice visual.

Ok, as I got to page 5, I'm kinda liking the mystery, but also starting to feel you are going a little stingy on us with clues. There is a limit on how much you can hold back before the reader starts to lose interest. Be careful.

"Wherewithal"
Yay! I learned a new word! Thaks.

Fane rant about the house on page 6 was too heavy on exposition.

Okay okay okay. I loved using  the train and the train track to translate Fane's feelings. You are good, you son of a gun.

Oh, Carter is a dog. I thought he was a kid for some reason. I'm not payign enough attention.

"I don't want alone?" Did you miss a word or am I missing something?

I love your terrifying build-up at the house! Brilliant!

"Her body a museum of overactive stirs."
Beautiful!

Hmm, that's it?

The end? Oh come on man. Why would you do this to me?

Overall:
I loved the build-up and the mystery but the ending was a bit disappointing. It had a couple of cliches like Taylor and Knox talking about Bob message and such. I think you have a solid story here but it was cut short before it reached its true potentials.

Writing style:
I loved it. You are good with visuals.

Dialogue:
It delivers the meaning but I wished it was more entertaining than this.

Character:
Fane was the only one that kind of had a satisfying depth. But barely. I wished you had taken the time to show us other parts of her personality. I found it difficult to care for her.

Story:
It got potentials but only if you invest in a more satisfying ending.

Structure:
I felt like the whole third act was missing. The first two dragged on for too long. I started to lose interest in the mystery.

I think you have some solid writing skills and a good story that will take some efforts to make it stand out from similar tales. And you definitely need to give us better closure.