Has Cold Feet by  Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as  Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as Jerry the Jack - Short, Horror - On Halloween, a recluse fears the trick and treating kids will meet the ghost that haunts him. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Interesting effort. I found it all a bit random and unconnected. The story strands of cold feet, the merging into the husband, and the motivations didn't mesh for me. It felt more a series of events than a story.

I thought the ending didn't quite feel right for the rest of the story.  It was not bad the first four pages.

Okay, so I read it twice and liked this. Definitely a more seasoned writer? A few formatting issues and punctuation mistakes but quite good.
- Should be ghost-like
- A couple extra lines and double spaces between words
- Could have just said "...the Mother's car" instead of 'Mother's" . That was just distracting.
- The Sugar Skull make-up was an interesting touch. It might confuse people if they don't know what that is or don't look it up. Good touch.
- Not sure I get the significance of the shoes/sock being off the dead mother and kids.

I'm only a couple into this but this was the best so far.

There may have been a bit more to this than I could pick up, but as it stands I didn't understand this one.

I think the main issue is this feels more like a ghost story than a creature feature, but to be honest I really didn't get it.

Is 'apportion' meant to be apparation? p.4

Bloody auto correct I presume. Mine just tried to have me write: apparatus.

A nice feel to this tale, I was just left wanting a little more in the denouement, and it is a little light on the 'creature'.
Some nice visuals and I liked the opening: 'my wife has cold feet'.

Cute, funny opening. Needs some clarity in places, such as with the trick-or-treaters, intercut front porch or exterior, when Lily FLOATS, and spell "apparition" not "apportion". FADE OUT should be on right corner of the page. The ending is kind of a let down. Could be spookier.

Like others have mentioned, I thought it opened well, with sort of a dark comedic tone which I enjoyed, but there seemed to be an abrupt shift in tone in the second half into full-on horror which threw me off somewhat. The ending was a little hard to understand - Lily's ghost possessed Jacob? Could've been clearer. In keeping with the season though.

Kinda lost me when he sucked on her big toe. I was leaning forward to that point, then I sat back, more grossed out than anything.

Nice visuals. Well written for the most part, save for a few oddly worded lines. For example, the sucking on her toe line: Jacob messages them first, then sucks on her big toe on the left foot. Includes a typo, and poor phrasing.

All in all, a good effort. First one I've read, so we'll see how it holds up against the others.

Hey, read your short.

Very nice visuals at the beginning.
The part where they fall dead is a bit forced. Dead from fear?
Looks like they do die when they see her skull and then they all are dead but living thinking dead. Not exactly zombies but still living dead.

Will check if I was correct with my assumptions.
Very well written and all, but a bit not clear for me. And If I'm right then it's just a bit forced.
Still a good short.

A good opening but starts going a bit all over the place from page 3 onwards. Very random, unconnected and weird. Some will love this no doubt, but it didn't quite work for me.  

Congrats on finishing OWC.

SPOILERS!

I would suggest fixing the longline since it would've had a powerful effect if we find that out during the read. Kind of a Psycho feel.

I kind of got confused towards the end with the whole meshing.

I think it would be a better story if the kids try to find out what's wrong with his wife and Jacob tries to hide it.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

I thought this was pretty good. I liked the writing.

Story wise, I think this one could have benefitted from a little more backstory or explanation. Like, why would he suck on Lily's toe? Seems kinky, so I'd like to know why, lol.

I'm still a little confused about how this whole comic thing will turnout and how the stories best suited as one should be written. I tried to imagine this one as a comic and somehow I couldn't really picture it. I should mention that I am no fan of comics and never have been so I'm totally ignorant when it comes to that.

I did like your story though, so good for you.  

Can’t help but think the setting/characters are a little pedestrian given the medium - still, not a big issue.  Story-wise, this started out with some promise - a creepy, off the wall vibe with Jacob introducing us to his world.  I really wondered where this was heading with the corpse toe sucking…

The trick or treaters felt like more of an interruption than a plot point and the idea kind of wandered from that point on.  I wasn’t sure if Jacob’s actions were part of a ritual (lure victims on Halloween, ghoul wife kills them, he disposes of the bodies) or if this was a one-off?

It did get dark very quickly, although Mother’s reaction to watching her kids frightened to death doesn’t seem to fit the situation.  The violence isn’t gratuitous though the dead kids does feel like a stretch over the PG rating.

Some decent - and weird - horror imagery, but for me it all feels a bit too disconnected to add up to a satisfying whole.

Well written for the most part. A good opening. Nice visuals. Some comedic tone. The first three, four pages grabbed my interest, but then... I got confused.

The last two pages felt too random and unconnected, and the ending didn't work for me.

Still a good effort, thought.

Hi, the other readers have voiced most of what I found strange about this short, was well written but I was left scratching my head for the most part. It definitely had that creepy feel to it and like a previous commenter mentioned, “Psyco” went through my mind while reading. Anyway it was a good entry and I enjoyed it for the most part, it fits within the challenge parameters and would make for a decent comic. Great job on entering and good luck.

That was interesting, story-wise and writing style. Very well written. But it stalls out with the wife just killing a bunch of people and him hiding the bodies. I think it's missing the struggle to escape her thrall... whoever turns up at the front door could (knowingly or unknowingly) spur him on to fight back... even if he succumbs in the end.

A logline is suppose to be enticing not telling you the spoilers.

This was a good read but felt more short movie than a comic strip and also more of the spirit world than a creature feature.

Overall I enjoyed it for what it was and I take Jacob's dead wife lives within Jacob?

Good job on entering

Very nice Halloween story. To punch it up, you might have Jacob slam the door in the trick or treaters’ faces, then face Lilly’s wrath. He’ll open the door the next time, of course, but this would illustrate the no-win situation he’s in.

#13...last of the bunch, so you know what that means, right?  Hopefully, a very detailed review, assuming I can stay in, but so far, I've gotten through every one, so I'm confident I can here, as well.

Here we go!!!

First of all, your logline is terrible, IMO.  Are you giving away what happens here?  I hope not, but it needs major work.

I don't personally like the title, either, but let's see what we have here.

Opening Slug should really tell us what structure we're in, followed by a dash and then bedroom.

You start with a 3 line passage that shows/tells us that Jacob is nervous, disheveled, and standing in front of a closet.  Some may appreciate the way you went about this description, but for me, it's way overwritten.

Then we have a 4 line passage ending in an orphan that is again overwritten.

Lots of early VO (which alot of these scripts have had).  We'll see if the VO makes sense in the end.

Hmmm, strangely, the VO has turned into regular dialogue now.

LIVING ROOM Slug has an issue with the dash.

SICK!  He sucks her sick looking big toe?

I always recommend not forgetting to use a subject in your sentences, as it just doesn't read well and every now and then, things can be confusing.

Page 3 - Opening passage is awkwardly phrased and written.

WTF just happened?  Lily floating around and a scorpion comes out of her mouth?  TONAL SHIFT to the max!  Ghosts aren't creatures, IMO, and things are really getting odd now.  Writing is also becoming quite stilted in places.

Yeah, the writing is really heading south, fast.  Stilted, missing subjects, odd fragments - not good.

The mother's reaction and dialogue does not ring remotely true.

Hmmm, the ending is a clunker for me.

So, story-wise, we don't have a creature feature.  What we do have is quite strange...shades of Psycho, but much more a ghost story...and evil ghost story, in which innocent children die terrible deaths.  And Jacob sucking on a dead toe is just...well...it's sick, disgusting, and as far as I can see unnecessary.

Writing-wise, we have issues, IMO.  It's stilted, strange at times.  Many missing subjects.  Fragmented for no reason.  Awkwardly phrased and constructed.  Not a pleasant read, IMO.

Does this fit into a 3 page comic? I don't see it happening at all.

Not for me, sorry to say.

Grade - **

Good title and logline. The first page went well and the overall story felt cool as well. On the other hand, from page two on I found the script super untidy which hurt the experience for me.

Too much storytelling... asides that mean nothing. Like this:

"That’s the best way to describe JACOB..."

and this...

"along with a
white colonial style shirt and dress pants as if they were
waiting for him. There are other clothes, but these stand
out."

Write visually. Describe what I am seeing.

"Jacob, now wearing half of the costume, fastens the cape’s
tie around his neck."

He could just fasten the cape. No need for 'the cape's tie'.

Page two and I'm finding the story a little boring, almost meandering as though the writer is directionless at this point... waiting for something to happen.

Not a story for me, but hopefully it is for somebody else.

I liked the imagery, it had some cool visuals. As a story, I was left confused. The voice over doesn’t work, it’s inconsistent and what is the point of it? If it is meant as a window to Jacob’s thoughts then more should have been explained.

It is a ghost story, no creatures present, but the tone and theme fits. I don’t think there is enough here to pull off the ending you set out for, but it does have potential.

Cute story...

Some typos  'messages' should be 'massages' and apparition is misspelled... some spaces not right...

WTF sucks her toes. Foot fetish or um dead foot fetish lol bout made me gag!

I rather liked this story. Love the title....

One thing that maybe bothered me a little was the tense you wrote the VO in... not sure what is right and what is wrong... but it bothered me a little... I'm a fan of VO though.

And I am not sure that it fit the 'creature feature' ... felt like a ghost story to me. Still I loved it.

Good job.

I'd like to thank all that read this.  To clarify there were critters involved in the story. It seems to have gotten overlooked. (scorpions in the candy bowl) Some good suggestions.

Maybe some of you were right. I should have had her suck his toes instead. Far less creepy    But I didn't want to go overboard with it. I just wanted to, um, set the mood.

Yes, The wife does live with Jacob. She appears/haunts  every Halloween, and scares/petrifies  unsuspecting trick o treaters to death. He has to cover it up, she helps him.

I rewrote the logline a little, and pretty much hacked off the last page. It is that last page and the lower half of p4 that seemed most problematic with readers.