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"FLASHBACK" - I always use "BEGIN FLASHBACK", but this fine, I guess.
Hoyt's age is not correct...simple math here. He would be 93.
Maybe it's a personal thing, but I really don't like reading "Young Hoyt" over and over.
For me, things have taken a serious downturn with this long Flashback. First of all, we all know this tale due to the movie, Jaws. Secondly, the writing, although not bad at all, just isn't cutting it here to portray the terror taking place. Third, this ain't no creature feature, IMO.
Bottom of Page 3 - "From a distance, Young Hoyt grips the tiny raft, bracing himself he pulls Ashmore overboard." - This is awkwardly phrased, and it's too bad, as this is the power of your story. It needs more here, needs to be written better, and much more visual.
Didn't do much for me. There's a solid attempt to make this more than it is with the ending, but it's just too dull for me overall, and in no way a creature feature. Not sure how/if this would transfer to the 3 page comic thing, either.
For the most part, it's well written and structured, though.
Is it murder or self-defense if you cause another person to die so you can live? An excellent story, but I’m not sure it’s in the spirit of the challenge’s main parameter: namely that it be a creature feature. “Jaws” was a creature feature, but surviving an encounter with random sharks doesn’t strike me as one.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Another good one. It's tight, well written and has great imagery, with the hundreds of sharks and the sinking of the USS INDIANAPOLIS. It could be perfect for the comic. The tension was there, with the survival story, and kept me in until the last word. However, like Libby, I wanted a little more from the ending. A very good effort, thought. Nice job, writer.
Nicely done. The ending was anticlimactic, but it fit with the tone. I would have saved the reveal about Lt. Ashmore for the final scene, the final lesson he learned from the sharks, to yank the lieutenant off the raft like a shark pulling its victim under. Or, have him push someone off once he’s safe, just to give to the sharks, nothing to do with his survival, just to watch them take another.
I didn't originally comment on this script, as I didn't want to out myself by commenting on every script but my own (yes, I tend to overthink things.)
But, I gave this script one of my top scores. It's well written with a nice, full, tale.
Like others, I pondered different endings (last shot: him sliding into the water, the shark turns for him), but I do like the ending as it sits.
This would make an excellent comic.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
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