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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  So Warm The Water - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    So Warm The Water - OWC  (currently 1443 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Off to a good start with solid writing.

"FLASHBACK" - I always use "BEGIN FLASHBACK", but this fine, I guess.

Hoyt's age is not correct...simple math here.  He would be 93.

Maybe it's a personal thing, but I really don't like reading "Young Hoyt" over and over.

For me, things have taken a serious downturn with this long Flashback.  First of all, we all know this tale due to the movie, Jaws.  Secondly, the writing, although not bad at all, just isn't cutting it here to portray the terror taking place.  Third, this ain't no creature feature, IMO.

Bottom of Page 3 - "From a distance, Young Hoyt grips the tiny raft, bracing himself he pulls Ashmore overboard." - This is awkwardly phrased, and it's too bad, as this is the power of your story.  It needs more here, needs to be written better, and much more visual.

Didn't do much for me.  There's a solid attempt to make this more than it is with the ending, but it's just too dull for me overall, and in no way a creature feature.  Not sure how/if this would transfer to the 3 page comic thing, either.

For the most part, it's well written and structured, though.

Grade - ** 1/2
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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Is it murder or self-defense if you cause another person to die so you can live? An excellent story, but I’m not sure it’s in the spirit of the challenge’s main parameter: namely that it be a creature feature. “Jaws” was a creature feature, but surviving an encounter with random sharks doesn’t strike me as one.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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I wonder if I missed something

Is there a monster that�s not a shark?

Is it just a personal torture thing? The need to see the enemy from the sea?

Wasn�t sure about the end - May need to re read


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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I read this one before bed and forgot to comment. My thoughts were...


Sharknado!

Not one for me... although well written. I'm sure some will like it.
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Philostrate
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Another good one. It's tight, well written and has great imagery, with the hundreds of sharks and the sinking of the USS INDIANAPOLIS. It could be perfect for the comic. The tension was there, with the survival story, and kept me in until the last word. However, like Libby, I wanted a little more from the ending. A very good effort, thought. Nice job, writer.


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ReneC
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. The ending was anticlimactic, but it fit with the tone. I would have saved the reveal about Lt. Ashmore for the final scene, the final lesson he learned from the sharks, to yank the lieutenant off the raft like a shark pulling its victim under. Or, have him push someone off once he’s safe, just to give to the sharks, nothing to do with his survival, just to watch them take another.

Visually excellent, great writing.


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PKCardinal
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't originally comment on this script, as I didn't want to out myself by commenting on every script but my own (yes, I tend to overthink things.)

But, I gave this script one of my top scores. It's well written with a nice, full, tale.

Like others, I pondered different endings (last shot: him sliding into the water, the shark turns for him), but I do like the ending as it sits.

This would make an excellent comic.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 3:52am Report to Moderator
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So glad this got in the top 2, it was a favorite of mine.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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