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Nanobe by Don Siegel - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - After surviving cosmic extinction, a Nanobe finds hope and new food sources on planet Earth. - pdf format
Some interesting ideas, but I am not sure they were fully formed.
The descriptions of the nanobe were so specific and minute it was hard to imagine how they could successfully be represented in a static visual, but maybe I am wrong about that.
It felt strange that he knew the thing could be reasoned with, at the end and the burning of the barn scenario felt a little out of left field.
This is a cool little story but not sure how it would translate to comic panels. It's all very active and would be well suited for an animation, for sure. A couple things that always gets me in these short OWC's is the attention put to character names and places that, may well inform the reader, are not filmable. The only names that are spoken out loud is the dog and doctor. You would never know that the microbe is called a Nanobe or anyone else's name.
It was enjoyable enough. The story seems way to big to fit into a 3 page comic.
I don't think your page count really reflects how long this story is. What I mean by that is the Nanobe changes a lot; if every change is a panel of the comic you have almost no space left for the rest of your story.
The writing could use a bit of a clean up but it's not bad for a week.
First of all you entered the OWC and with only 13 entries I congratulate you Now onto the script:
A Nanobe grows teeth and eats another that grows claws to protect itself. Once eaten, the Clawed Nanobe rips its way why is clawed capitaiized? through the other’s stomach and attacks another that sprouts horns to defend itself. Sudden, bright sunlight envelops the asteroid frying envelopEs billions of Nanobes. As one, the Nanobes stop their murderous rampage and look beyond the bright light where they witness witness, for the 1 witness and no comma first time, the magnifencence of Earth. magnificence
Rough start
Michael I fear there just isn’t time. He will not survive the journey.
This is from a doctor!
I'm sorry I read it all and it didn't work for me and it seemed a bit much to be used as a 3 page comic strip.
It's needs a bit of work and honestly you should have spell checker on your software
Very interesting ideas here, with imagery that could work in comic format. I like the different ways you showed the nanobe evolving. How was Horatio able to see it on his son's face, aren't they microscopic? And it seems to understand human speech? (unless you were being figurative). Just minor quibbles tho. A good read.
I had to look up "nanobe", and see that it's the smallest form of life, and they are seriously tiny, tiny, TINY!
So, how anything described in the EXT. ASTEROID scene, is a serious mystery. Even the Slug, "EXT. ASTEROID" is quite odd...it's like using something like, "EXT. EARTH" and showing something happening on a tiny portion of Earth. Basically, what I'm saying is this is fucked up right from the start, sorry to say.
Lots of typos and misspelings.
Even the next scene is seriously flawed. You say the asteroid is "nothing more than a hurling ball of fiery hell", yet in the following passage, somehow we see "nanobes fry", while this fiery ball is streaking through space.
OK, I' not going to continue commenting, as this post would be extremely long. Bottom line is that the vast majority of action is completely unfilmable, and just too whacky to be taken remotely seriously. I will read to the end though, and give a final thought.
OK, read it all. I wish I had something positive to say, but I really don't, other than maybe your imagination is quote vivid. Bit, there's nothing here to be taken seriously, story is way too big, too many characters, names for characters that no one would ever know, because their names never come up in conversation, and to me, this really isn't even a creature feature, as the creature here is microscopic, yet you write about it like it's not.
Finally, no way this fits into the theme of the 3 to 7 panel comic thing...not even remotely close.
Well, I love the host/parasite idea and I liked the nanobe's journey. It reminded me a bit of Inner Space.
I could picture this in comic panels too.
Not over the moon however with the burning barn as denouement - same ending as Beneath The Surface, which makes me think: if in doubt with how to write the final scene just burn the lot for visual spectacle.
I think you need a more clever ending. Perhaps have it continue to skip to more human characters like the devil does in the movie Fallen 1998
I definitely think there's a germ of an excellent idea here that you could propogate more. The fast ageing thing was interesting and visually it'd work, it just wasn't riveting.
A great idea that goes astray once the Nanobe transfers to humans. Then it seems very unnatural and forced, it didn’t quite work for me.
This could be a cool comic though. If you cut all the dialogue, show the Nanobe’s struggle to reach Earth, it working its way up the food chain to mankind and then learning to reproduce. The last couple of panels showing the whole human race dying…of old age. Could be pretty powerful stuff. Plenty of potential.
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The “invader” turning its victims old is a nice change of pace, and more horrifying than turning them into raving maniacs or complacent “pod people.” However, these old people are just going to die and lie there, which doesn’t infuse the story with much excitement. But that consideration is for a longer form version, should the writer consider doing one.
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I didn't quite enjoy this one overall. Although I liked the way the Nanobe moved from animal to animal. I suppose the ending was suicide. The ending didn't feel satisfactory compared to the rest of the story. Some errors I noticed in the beginning. Not sure if a virus-like creature counts as a creature. It's like a single celled organism.
Not much to say that hasn't been said before. It was an interesting read. The parasite idea combined with the fast aging is good, no doubt, and it was well written and easy to read. Well done, writer.
Also, to me, the first visuals about the Nanobes on the meteor were different to how 'the thing' evolves and swichtes its host once on earth. That just didn't come across even, first horns and claws and then this whole brain power sucking... was a big contrast. You could balance this out a bit.
Otherwise you brought it home storywise. Get the exposition in shape, perhaps get along quicker, cut some, change some visuals to make it look consistent and it's a fine script all along. Good work.
Not entirely sure what a Nanobe is. I know it’s small... I like the logline though, keen to see where you take it.
A little rough out the gate. What would we be seeing that would show us that:
‘Trillions of NANOBES live in a constant evolutionary state - feeding on each other to sustain their existence.’
INT. MARKS’ HOUSE - JOSH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The names tripped me up here. I can see what you’re going for but I think you could keep it simple:
INT. JOSH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
'EXT. SKY - DAY
The Nanobe rests in the Owl’s brain, controlling it as it soars over mountains and forests.'
-- We’d see the owl flying, but how would we know the Nanobe was resting in its brain, controlling its flight?
Their child goes full Benjamin Button in a matter of seconds and they wait for the doctor to arrive?
Pretty grim in the end. I like the thought behind it - creatures don’t have to be giant size. Lots of imagination at work, that’s a solid foundation, but it’s a big story forced into a small space and suffers as a result. In some places it reads more like a story outline than a script - comic book or otherwise.
It's a nice try, but I think you’d need a lot more space to set this idea up and see it through to full effect.
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I just had a blinding flash of inspiration about this. What if this is set centuries ago and at that point, humans didn't age? There's a lot of scientific evidence out there which suggests aging isn't a natural process and it can be cured. This could take advantage of such a theory.
When the Nanobe reaches it's first human, it realises it has found the perfect host. One that will still age yes, but at a much slower rate than the other species. It splits, multiplies and spreads. And thus, this is why we age!
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