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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Nanobe - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Nanobe - OWC  (currently 1083 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nanobe by Don Siegel - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - After surviving cosmic extinction, a Nanobe finds hope and new food sources on planet Earth. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Some interesting ideas, but I am not sure they were fully formed.

The descriptions of the nanobe were so specific and minute it was hard to imagine how they could successfully be represented in a static visual, but maybe I am wrong about that.

It felt strange that he knew the thing could be reasoned with, at the end and the burning of the barn scenario felt a little out of left field.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 20th, 2018, 2:09pm
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JEStaats
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This is a cool little story but not sure how it would translate to comic panels. It's all very active and would be well suited for an animation, for sure. A couple things that always gets me in these short OWC's is the attention put to character names and places that, may well inform the reader, are not filmable. The only names that are spoken out loud is the dog and doctor. You would never know that the microbe is called a Nanobe or anyone else's name.

Good work writer.
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Warren
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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It was enjoyable enough. The story seems way to big to fit into a 3 page comic.

I don't think your page count really reflects how long this story is. What I mean by that is the Nanobe changes a lot; if every change is a panel of the comic you have almost no space left for the rest of your story.

The writing could use a bit of a clean up but it's not bad for a week.

Good luck.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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First of all you entered the OWC and with only 13 entries I congratulate you
Now onto the script:


A Nanobe grows teeth and eats another that grows claws to
protect itself. Once eaten, the Clawed Nanobe rips its way                why is clawed capitaiized?
through the other’s stomach and attacks another that sprouts
horns to defend itself.
Sudden, bright sunlight envelops the asteroid frying                          envelopEs
billions of Nanobes.
As one, the Nanobes stop their murderous rampage and look
beyond the bright light where they witness witness, for the              1 witness and no comma
first time, the magnifencence of Earth.                                            magnificence

Rough start


                     Michael
          I fear there just isn’t time. He
          will not survive the journey.

This is from a doctor!

I'm sorry I read it all and it didn't work for me and it seemed a bit much to be used as a 3 page comic strip.

It's needs a bit of work and honestly you should have spell checker on your software


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coldsnap
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting ideas here, with imagery that could work in comic format. I like the different ways you showed the nanobe evolving. How was Horatio able to see it on his son's face, aren't they microscopic? And it seems to understand human speech? (unless you were being figurative). Just minor quibbles tho. A good read.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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1st of the bunch. Hoping for good things.

I had to look up "nanobe", and see that it's the smallest form of life, and they are seriously tiny, tiny, TINY!

So, how anything described in the EXT. ASTEROID scene, is a serious mystery.  Even the Slug, "EXT. ASTEROID" is quite odd...it's like using something like, "EXT. EARTH" and showing something happening on a tiny portion of Earth.  Basically, what I'm saying is this is fucked up right from the start, sorry to say.

Lots of typos and misspelings.

Even the next scene is seriously flawed.  You say the asteroid is "nothing more than
a hurling ball of fiery hell", yet in the following passage, somehow we see "nanobes fry", while this fiery ball is streaking through space.

OK, I' not going to continue commenting, as this post would be extremely long.  Bottom line is that the vast majority of action is completely unfilmable, and just too whacky to be taken remotely seriously.  I will read to the end though, and give a final thought.

OK, read it all.  I wish I had something positive to say, but I really don't, other than maybe your imagination is quote vivid.  Bit, there's nothing here to be taken seriously, story is way too big, too many characters, names for characters that no one would ever know, because their names never come up in conversation, and to me, this really isn't even a creature feature, as the creature here is microscopic, yet you write about it like it's not.

Finally, no way this fits into the theme of the 3 to 7 panel comic thing...not even remotely close.

Grade - *

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 22nd, 2018, 9:29am
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Well, I love the host/parasite idea and I liked the nanobe's  journey. It reminded me a bit of Inner Space.

I could picture this in comic panels too.

Not over the moon however with the burning barn as denouement - same ending as Beneath The Surface, which makes me think: if in doubt with how to write the final scene just burn the lot for visual spectacle.

I think you need a more clever ending.
Perhaps have it continue to skip to more human characters like the devil does in the movie Fallen 1998

I definitely think there's a germ of an excellent idea here that you could propogate more. The fast ageing thing was interesting and visually it'd work, it just wasn't riveting.



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LC  -  October 22nd, 2018, 12:52am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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A great idea that goes astray once the Nanobe transfers to humans. Then it seems very unnatural and forced, it didn’t quite work for me.

This could be a cool comic though. If you cut all the dialogue, show the Nanobe’s struggle to reach Earth, it working its way up the food chain to mankind and then learning to reproduce. The last couple of panels showing the whole human race dying…of old age. Could be pretty powerful stuff. Plenty of potential.



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes

Sudden, bright sunlight envelops the asteroid frying                          envelopEs
billions of Nanobes.


envelops is correct. Envelopes is entirely different.

Back to the story, as has been said before. For me it flopped towards the end, felt kind of rushed, not thought through.

Also not a fan of the doctor, doesn't feel like that is how a real doctor would act in this situation.

Well done on the story idea and entry into OWC though


Feature

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1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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The “invader” turning its victims old is a nice change of pace, and more horrifying than turning them into raving maniacs or complacent “pod people.” However, these old people are just going to die and lie there, which doesn’t infuse the story with much excitement. But that consideration is for a longer form version, should the writer consider doing one.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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A bit of sci fi - fits the bill

A kind of like this, a sense of realism, but then the end, all very fast

Actually if I sensed the old man realised he was taken, could sense how to save the boy, I’d buy the end

Not a bad effort - proper story


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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That was quite good... something a little different. I enjoyed it. I suppose that is all that counts.
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jayrex
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I didn't quite enjoy this one overall.  Although I liked the way the Nanobe moved from animal to animal.  I suppose the ending was suicide.  The ending didn't feel satisfactory compared to the rest of the story.  Some errors I noticed in the beginning.  Not sure if a virus-like creature counts as a creature.  It's like a single celled organism.

Congrats on your submission.


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Philostrate
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say that hasn't been said before. It was an interesting read. The parasite idea combined with the fast aging is good, no doubt, and it was well written and easy to read. Well done, writer.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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The exposition was a bit long.

Also, to me, the first visuals about the Nanobes on the meteor were different to how 'the thing' evolves and swichtes its host once on earth. That just didn't come across even, first horns and claws and then this whole brain power sucking... was a big contrast. You could balance this out a bit.

Otherwise you brought it home storywise. Get the exposition in shape, perhaps get along quicker, cut some, change some visuals to make it look consistent and it's a fine  script all along. Good work.



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stevemiles
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure what a Nanobe is.  I know it’s small...  I like the logline though, keen to see where you take it.

A little rough out the gate.  What would we be seeing that would show us that:

‘Trillions of NANOBES live in a constant evolutionary state - feeding on each other to sustain their existence.’


INT. MARKS’ HOUSE - JOSH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The names tripped me up here.  I can see what you’re going for but I think you could keep it simple:

INT. JOSH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT


'EXT. SKY - DAY

The Nanobe rests in the Owl’s brain, controlling it as it soars over mountains and forests.'

-- We’d see the owl flying, but how would we know the Nanobe was resting in its brain, controlling its flight?


Their child goes full Benjamin Button in a matter of seconds and they wait for the doctor to arrive?

Pretty grim in the end.  I like the thought behind it - creatures don’t have to be giant size.  Lots of imagination at work, that’s a solid foundation, but it’s a big story forced into a small space and suffers as a result.  In some places it reads more like a story outline than a script - comic book or otherwise.

It's a nice try, but I think you’d need a lot more space to set this idea up and see it through to full effect.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2018, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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I just had a blinding flash of inspiration about this. What if this is set centuries ago and at that point, humans didn't age? There's a lot of scientific evidence out there which suggests aging isn't a natural process and it can be cured. This could take advantage of such a theory.

When the Nanobe reaches it's first human, it realises it has found the perfect host. One that will still age yes, but at a much slower rate than the other species. It splits, multiplies and spreads. And thus, this is why we age!

  


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