I didn't think this was a bad one by any means.

The dialogue, particularly at the crash site, came off as a tad unrealistic, but the rest of it was ok and didn't really spoil it for me.

Overall, the writing seemed ok, nice and descriptive.

Quoted from Dreamscale You're never going to find a 25 year old actuary, as the training and tests required take many, many years.  Highly unlikely he's making enough money at 25 to be driving a Range Rover.

It is possible to does this, but I agree with the last sentence. He'd be at the low end of the scale and in something a little less 'flash', in my opinion.

By the way, this one isn't mine

There’s a Twilight Zone feel about this story, and I’ve only read the title page – I wonder why…

“An ominous gray day. Lightning. A steady rain.” What a cheery opening! And I was about to drink a cocktail – might have to have a drab cup of tea now.

“windshield wipers furiously beat away the rain.” Why? The rain is steady… but the wipers are working overtime. I’m being too picky – I’m going to stop now.

Cap Woman – Would he be able to stop in time on a wet road? Give me some tension in this scene please. It was all over rather quick, but I’m one of those that is told that I can cut pages off my scripts so maybe this is the reason.

“the floor board” In the rear of a car? I guess it is a Range Rover!

“hydroplaned” I have never ever heard anybody say this – I know peeps will disagree and say that they have but really? Sounds like an expression off Star Trek, and I mean the original series.

Kip can stop with all the “attractive” talk now – he’s getting clingy.

Ah, the old cliché of steering in the wrong lane and avoiding the traffic just in time stunt. This is well written but I’m half way through and this story is just plain old boring.

“Beads of sweat form on his forehead.” Are we literally seeing this happen? It’s like a science experiment or something.

“Darkness prevails” huh?

“Kip gets out and walks Hillary to the door.” What kind of gentlemen is this – couldn’t even be bothered to open the door for Hillary.

Page 6 and it’s time for the exposition – it took 6 pages to get this far, and I’m hoping for a big 2 pages now.

“Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.” Ouch! You mean, all bloody and bruised, right? I fail to see how such news would cause this but fair enough.

So this happens every year, and they know where it happens but nobody does anything about it. Just wait for the poor sap to turn up at the house. That damn lazy Carl!

“Maybe it’s her ghost, maybe it’s some sort of illusion.” After 10 years, he doesn’t have a definite answer. Why doesn’t Carl move – I know he’s here for exposition but still…

A cliché beat when needed.

“What the hell could be worse?” Oh, there’s a lot worse Kip. Haven’t you read the Phantom Barber and what happened to Johnny?

“His faces” How many faces does he have?

I found this one a drag to be honest. It took a long time to get to the house and then we are flooded with exposition and suddenly Kips dead with Hillary laughing. There are no surprises or tension for that matter which means the whole thing feels flat. I wish I could be more encouraging because the writing is fine for most part but the story is lacking and a little tedious IMO.

Kip seems like a well-rounded character but a lot of the dialogue is wasteful banter as it doesn’t mean much to the overall story so that doesn’t help. At 8 pages, this felt overlong and that’s not a good sign. Not for me I’m afraid.

I thought this was really good until all the exposition from Carl. You had such nice, natural dialog going on between Hillary and Kip, then Carl just blurts out the story. His dialog didn't feel natural at all.  Other than that, I really liked this one. I'd just work on Carl telling the story. Good job and really good writing. Extremely easy to read.

I'll be the contrarian here. I loved it! Some of the dialogue needs polishing, true, but I had zero problem with Carl's "exposition."

I saw a similar story on Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. In that version, the guy arrives at the house one morning and meets her sister. She tells him that she has been dead for about five years, and then they start dating.

At first, I thought Hillary was gonna be revealed to have killed somebody. Then I thought Carl was calling the police on Kip. I would never have guessed that Hillary was already dead until Carl told his story.

I give this one a solid A-. Good job.

I just think Carl's dialog needs to be tweaked a little. Not saying I can write better than this person. This is top notch writing and I loved the dialog up until Carl's part. I just think there's a way to make it more conversational instead of informational. I gave it a shot...hope the writer isn't offended...

"Today is March first. Bob and Linda always leave the
house on that date. It’s the anniversary of their daughter’s
death."

It's March first. Bob and Linda always skip
town on the anniversary of their daughter's death.
__________

"Ten years ago on this date Hillary had been to a party
with a young man. The story I hear is that the boy got
her drunk, then tried to rape her, but she escaped and
was drivin’ home when she skidded off the road and
crashed in a culvert. Had to use the jaws of life to pry
her out of the car. Didn’t matter, though. She was already
dead."

(Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.)



CARL
Ten years ago today, Hillary was at a party
with a young man. The boy got her drunk, tried to rape her.
She escaped but her car skid off the road and crashed in a
culvert. Had to use the jaws of life to pry her out.
(Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.)
CARL
Didn’t matter, though. She was already dead.
___________

(Kip GASPS, and backs away from Carl.)
CARL
Soon as I saw you pull up, I called 9-1-1. Maybe they’ll
be able to save you...
(Carl steps down from the porch as the ambulance skids
to a stop in front of the house.)
CARL
But I seriously doubt it.
(Kip suddenly clutches his chest. His faces contorts from
the pain he experiences. He drops to his knees, then
collapses face down on the porch.)

(Kip GASPS, and backs away from Carl.)
CARL
Soon as I saw you pull up, I called 9-1-1.
(The ambulance skids to a stop in front of the house.)
CARL
Maybe they’ll be able to save you...
(Kip suddenly clutches his chest. His faces contorts from
the pain he experiences. He drops to his knees, then collapses
face down on the porch.)
(Carl looks down at Kip's crumpled body.)
CARL
But I seriously doubt it.

I must be one of the few, or in fact the only person to have no idea what the UL was until I got towards the end, then I started to remember.

I quite enjoyed the story because I didn't know where it was headed from the start, though I can see why others mightn't enjoy it as much. Wasn't really a new spin on things but I do like the idea that she brings the men home as revenge.

That said, very little of the dialogue worked here. I hated how phony Kip came off. It really took me out of it and I was rolling my eyes a lot. This is definitely the weak point in your writing. Pretty much everything else is fine.

Decent effort.

This gave me severe chills.

I didn't like the writing for some reason. The dialog when Kip meets Hillary sounds like two talking heads - nothing stands out to draw me in, to make me interested in them. He says "who knows what injuries you must have sustained" and that sounds stilted.
Then he tells her she's a hot mess - her head is bleeding, I really doubt anyone in his sane mind would say that.

But I like the later development - how she grabbed him. I didn't expect her to be a ghost. And I was surprised to see Kip die.

So, great job there. I'm sorry I submitted my votes already. This would be another one of my recommends.

Reading through the other comments it seems a lot of people knew where this was going which hindered their enjoyment of it. I've never heard of this story before so it was all new to me and I liked pretty much everything about it.

Some of the dialogue seemed a little off. Like when Kip's telling Hillary she needs help on page 2.

I thought the end bit with the ambulances lights turning off was great. It's probably been done many times but I've never seen it on screen before.  

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Page 3 – Kip's a “balls inflamed” dick. By the end of the story see why! Very nice.

Code CARL But I seriously doubt it.

LOL! Excellent timing & delivery!
I think this would be a fun short film to make, especially if the dark humor was turned up a bit. Very nice.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
I can sense a problem with it. Some lines are too formal.

Quoted Text But you need medical attention. You have some blood coming from your head. Who knows what other injuries you might have sustained in an accident like that? You really ought to be checked out.

I might be wrong, but is this how normal people talk?

Quoted Text "There’s something worse? What the hell could be worse?"

On the nose.

Character:
The instant intimacy between them was forced. I don't think anyone would talk to a woman, he just picked of the road after she's been in an accident, like that. Her behavior could be easily explained since she's a ghost. Even so, I think she acted more normal than him.

Feeling the luckiest man on earth just because he met a hot girl. A man driving a Range Rover? Doesn't make much sense to me.

Story:
I like the story. It's well structured. But it's been done before. But it was fun nonetheless.

Overall:
When you recycle concepts, you have to put your own fingerprint. Your unique take on it is what makes the difference.

I really enjoyed this.
Carl changed to Neighbor in dialogue on page 6

The writing was clean and the story was great. Although the ghost on the road isn't too original, taking the guy back to her house and giving him the kiss of death was.

It all tied in nicely in the end, although after 10 years, maybe Carl should put a warning sign up at the front door

Sorry I missed this one before the voting.

So here's the Urban Legend this was "based" on:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanishing_hitchhiker

I tried to do a spin on it where the ending wasn't what you expected; i.e., in the urban legend the driver picks up the hitchhiker and then after dropping the hitchhiker off, discovers he/she was dead all along, usually by an encounter with a family member.  I thought of flipping it in a couple of ways, making not only the hitchhiker dead, but also having the person picking the hitchhiker up dead as well.  Who knows, maybe there's a whole highway system of dead drivers/hitchhikers out there!

But instead I opted for what was probably the weirder route and probably the least expected.  I agree with what some wrote that Kip ought to be more of a louse and thus deserving to die.  I tried to incorporate the idea that coming on to the girl (who had been raped) would lead to retribution later, but that should be beefed up.

Thanks to Marnie for her great suggestions on the dialogue change, as well as to everyone who read and commented on it. I know there were quite a few people who were put off by it, but I still appreciate the read.  Thanks Don and Sean for the great OWC!

Gary

So I had the good fortune to have this short film script get filmed recently in L.A. One of the stars is Dee Wallace, who starred in both "E.T." and "Cujo." It's going to be entered in a few film festivals, including the Austin Film Festival and Cannes Film Festival, so it's pretty exciting stuff! It's be great if you'd go and like the film's Facebook page here:

https://www.facebook.com/roadsideattractionshort/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

When the film is available for viewing, I'll post a link for everyone to see! Thanks!

Gary

Good going, Gary! Congrats!!

Congrats Gary, awesome news!