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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Roadside Attraction - OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Roadside Attraction - OWC - Filmed!  (currently 6296 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Roadside Attraction by Gary Howell (Hawkeye) (writing as: Dr. Marvin Candle) - Short, Mystery - A young man finds that a woman he rescues from an automobile accident is hiding a terrible secret. 8 pages - pdf, format

++++++++++++

I think we've finally stopped entering my short film "Country Road 12" in festivals (it was originally "Roadside Attraction" when entered in a one week challenge a couple of years ago).


Roadside Attraction from Gary Howell on Vimeo.



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 28th, 2017, 6:02pm
Filmed!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Roadside

Is your name really Rod - we do get the odd one with the real name on it

The front cover always was blurred on my iPad, but the text was fine - probably my iPad

SPOILERS

One problem I have before I read this is that I feel I know the story already. You know, woman is actually dead etc...let's see...

Well sought of. There was a little more to it.

The use of Carl was a bit heavy handed and I wasn't sure about the dead men element - why?

No wholly sure about him hitting on to her in the car, but that's me. I always like to take the victims home without trying to chat them up  

All the best


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Stumpzian
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Familiar story, told many times over the years, even in song ("Bringing Mary Home").

Unfortunately, this doesn't really have a new spin, unless you count the annual death thing on the porch.

And if this happens every year on this date, why aren't the local police standing by?

Some of the dialogue is wooden ( "you have sustained injuries" etc.).



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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The good news is that this isn't terrible and I'm not going to complain too much about the writing.

The bad news is that it's just so obvious what's happening here story-wise.  Other than Kip's (and the other guys from past years) death on the front porch, nothing is remotely engaging, surprising, or interesting.

It's nice that you tried to give Kip some life, but for me, it didn't work.  You're never going to find a 25 year old actuary, as the training and tests required take many, many years.  Highly unlikely he's making enough money at 25 to be driving a Range Rover.  And finally, and probably most importantly, his dialogue is extremely wooden and phony.

The writing is "OK", but there are lots of awkward phrasings and your continual use of irritating asides does not help one little bit.

Biggest problem here is that there's nothing here that anyone will remember...or want to remember.  It's just not good or bad enough to remember.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 15th, 2015, 1:54pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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URBAN LEGEND : Vanishing/ghost Hitch hiker

Had a hard time reading this in some places due to to some of the tpeface fading out here and there, but I got through it. It's also a minor nitpick, but changing the traditional font (12-14 pt courier) on the title page isn't going to help win any brownie points.

Pretty straightforward, with no interpretations or interest. Strictly 'by the numbers'. It's not bad, but it isn't memorable. Early repetition of rain isn't helping. The dialog between Kip and Hillary in the car is gut-wrenching. "You're hot"  "Especially ones as attractive as you....would it be presumptuous of me to ask if you�d be interested in dinner sometime" Kip's actions of just picking her out of the rain and offering to drive her to the clinic and/or her home would be suffice. Giving him an ulterior, creepy motive makes me less caring. Note she appears injured and is in the rain., Now her would be hero right from the start of meeting her for the first time hits on her.

Ouch.



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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ooooh, I rather like this one.

It didn't go quite where I expected it to go, and that's always a good thing.  I was expecting a line about "she even started to give me a handj-" He looks at Carl. The next few words fade away.  (I highly recommend adding that line, incidentally.)

Nice work.  I could really see this making a solid horror short film when all is said and done.

BTW: I initially had the same gut reaction Darren did, regarding making Kip a bad guy who gets his comeuppance.  But I can see this going either way.  Having a good samaritan/average joe fall into Hillary's trap works for me, too....

And true - there's not much in the way of a "different spin" - but I think the annual death bit counts for something!  
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Nice and simple... no prizes for originality.
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DS
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Second read of the OWC. My thoughts - all completely subjective:

A rather restrictive urban legend choice. Not a lot of possibilities with this one, I don't think. Considering how well known this one is, it might play at a disadvantage on that level too.

I think the final two pages were a cracking scene, maybe even more so if you knew the urban legend beforehand. The dialing of numbers, sirens, Carl's dialogue, it all held it together and gripped me to the seat. A great bomb under the table situation along with extra mystery from all sides. The expository and clearly built for maximum effect on story dialogue had a strong cinematic effect.

I originally didn't like the dialogue at all, but after being pulled into a second read due to a certain signature it clicked more and I felt like my observations on it along with the story one were a miss.

The writing was easy to follow. The script in overall felt average and kind of forgettable to me, maybe because of the choice of the urban legend, but it's a fine effort for the OWC.

Anyways, ahh, just felt like rectifying my poor and pretty harsh review on the dialogue earlier. Sorry. I don't think I delved into the script much on yesterday's read.  

I also think the story beats are fine, I had a bit in about them too that I feel differently to after the re-read. It progresses and works fine. I think the script could still be more cohesive if the instigator for the flirting was Hillary, not leaving out Kip's attraction to her of course or if picking up her just because she was attractive was Kip's main flaw that lead to the events.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Roadside

Is your name really Rod - we do get the odd one with the real name on it


Highly doubt it. Did the name Rod Serling not ring a bell? The Twilight Zone creator?

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DS  -  February 17th, 2015, 1:20pm
Changed my mind on things after a re-read.
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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"Who knows what other injuries
you might have sustained in an
accident like that?" Yes, who knows? Definitely not me, I have no clue what other injuries she might have sustained in an accident such as this. I am also a robot like Kip.

This is like the fourth one I've read that's pretty much exactly this but with minor changes. It's a shame too, since I knew folks would go this route and it would turn into a cluster fuck of similar entries. The exposition load at the end doesn't work, the story is basic and that's the feeling you get from the writer as well -- basic. I can't find a definite voice here, which might have escalated this above the average norm. Definitely not terrible but a decent effort.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I have read dozens of versions of this story over the years, in script form and in short story anthologies.

The ending  worked quite well here but the exposition just before that to get there was pretty basic. There needs to be something substantially different in the body of the script to make it stand out. What that is I couldn't tell you.
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Ah the good ol' vanishing hitch hiker.

This ones not bad.

Some of the dialogue reads awkwardly and Kip seems way too forward. Border line sex pest. But the ending is nice and creepy. The only thing is, him dying is the only thing that feels fresh here. It's all been seen before from the vanishing hitch hiker.

Not bad though.

Good luck.


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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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this is a classic tale.  Might be better if you found a way to make it more original.  The death at the end worked for me, although I did not like the exposition.  The old guy would be better if he merely came over and started counting down since he's seen this before, or if he tried to intervene before the girl leaves.  He's less than helpful the way he is.  If he comes over and does the countdown, it would show that he tried different things in the past.  If he comes over with a defrib machine, it would be really odd and eerie.  In any case, a bit too much dialogue and  perhaps a bit too much playf from a girl running away from a would-be rapist.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
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Think the dialogue/flirting at the beginning doesn't ring true in this, she's just had an accident, has a head wound and he's hitting on her, really?

I think by the end this is more pronounced, she comes onto him, grabs his crotch etc, but she was an attempted rape victim 10 years ago.

Also, why take revenge on random men who stop for her, this feels wrong imho

Having said that, I thought it was well written and I did like the twist.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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ROADSIDE ATTRACTION

P1 Shouldn't he use the honk first? Or scream at her to go and leave the lane. Maybe give us a new attempt of running into the evil (as here, I've seen this too often and it's a bit like fleeing upstairs than leaving the house)

"He feels like the luckiest guy..."

Never use the word "feel" I guess. Their actions should reveal what they feel and who they are. Take some time to find the right description.

It reads overwritten. There's a lot to cut imo.

The story's fine imo. I first had it in mind that she's already dead. There was a hint in the dialogue

"KIP (CONT’D)
Holy shit! Is anyone else in there?

WOMAN
No - just me."

There. And you did that well, because the whole car-chat distracted me from it again and the old man was an interesting character to reveal the plot finally.

You still let them speak too much though for my taste. I'd also suggest mostly staying away from proper names like house numbers, addresses or what they are working specifically etc. It's not essential. Always bothers me - logic-wise it's kind of like mentioning a character who never takes part or has any true influence.

Nice one imo. Could need some more polishing.



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Ryan1
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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This is solidly written, except for a few clunkers in the dialogue.  But, as has been mentioned many times already, it's an old chestnut of an urban legend that everyone's heard.  As soon as we see the beautiful girl by the side of the road, we know the score.  So, those four pages of dialogue between them are merely padding until they arrive at her house.  Most versions I've heard don't actually show the crashed car, because that detracts from the twist at the end.

I think there were some opportunities to defy our expectations here.  What if the guy is driving on this desolate road, picks up the beautiful girl, and then it turns out the guy is the ghost.  Something like that.  Draw us in, then slap us with a twist we never saw coming.  
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Kip
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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I didn't think this was a bad one by any means.

The dialogue, particularly at the crash site, came off as a tad unrealistic, but the rest of it was ok and didn't really spoil it for me.

Overall, the writing seemed ok, nice and descriptive.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You're never going to find a 25 year old actuary, as the training and tests required take many, many years.  Highly unlikely he's making enough money at 25 to be driving a Range Rover.


It is possible to does this, but I agree with the last sentence. He'd be at the low end of the scale and in something a little less 'flash', in my opinion.

By the way, this one isn't mine
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CoopBazinga
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There’s a Twilight Zone feel about this story, and I’ve only read the title page – I wonder why…

“An ominous gray day. Lightning. A steady rain.” What a cheery opening! And I was about to drink a cocktail – might have to have a drab cup of tea now.

“windshield wipers furiously beat away the rain.” Why? The rain is steady… but the wipers are working overtime. I’m being too picky – I’m going to stop now.

Cap Woman – Would he be able to stop in time on a wet road? Give me some tension in this scene please. It was all over rather quick, but I’m one of those that is told that I can cut pages off my scripts so maybe this is the reason.

“the floor board” In the rear of a car? I guess it is a Range Rover!

“hydroplaned” I have never ever heard anybody say this – I know peeps will disagree and say that they have but really? Sounds like an expression off Star Trek, and I mean the original series.

Kip can stop with all the “attractive” talk now – he’s getting clingy.

Ah, the old cliché of steering in the wrong lane and avoiding the traffic just in time stunt. This is well written but I’m half way through and this story is just plain old boring.

“Beads of sweat form on his forehead.” Are we literally seeing this happen? It’s like a science experiment or something.

“Darkness prevails” huh?

“Kip gets out and walks Hillary to the door.” What kind of gentlemen is this – couldn’t even be bothered to open the door for Hillary.

Page 6 and it’s time for the exposition – it took 6 pages to get this far, and I’m hoping for a big 2 pages now.

“Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.” Ouch! You mean, all bloody and bruised, right? I fail to see how such news would cause this but fair enough.

So this happens every year, and they know where it happens but nobody does anything about it. Just wait for the poor sap to turn up at the house. That damn lazy Carl!

“Maybe it’s her ghost, maybe it’s some sort of illusion.” After 10 years, he doesn’t have a definite answer. Why doesn’t Carl move – I know he’s here for exposition but still…

A cliché beat when needed.

“What the hell could be worse?” Oh, there’s a lot worse Kip. Haven’t you read the Phantom Barber and what happened to Johnny?

“His faces” How many faces does he have?

I found this one a drag to be honest. It took a long time to get to the house and then we are flooded with exposition and suddenly Kips dead with Hillary laughing. There are no surprises or tension for that matter which means the whole thing feels flat. I wish I could be more encouraging because the writing is fine for most part but the story is lacking and a little tedious IMO.

Kip seems like a well-rounded character but a lot of the dialogue is wasteful banter as it doesn’t mean much to the overall story so that doesn’t help. At 8 pages, this felt overlong and that’s not a good sign. Not for me I’m afraid.
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mmmarnie
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was really good until all the exposition from Carl. You had such nice, natural dialog going on between Hillary and Kip, then Carl just blurts out the story. His dialog didn't feel natural at all.  Other than that, I really liked this one. I'd just work on Carl telling the story. Good job and really good writing. Extremely easy to read.


boop

Revision History (1 edits)
mmmarnie  -  February 21st, 2015, 8:50am
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ChrisBodily
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I'll be the contrarian here. I loved it! Some of the dialogue needs polishing, true, but I had zero problem with Carl's "exposition."

I saw a similar story on Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. In that version, the guy arrives at the house one morning and meets her sister. She tells him that she has been dead for about five years, and then they start dating.

At first, I thought Hillary was gonna be revealed to have killed somebody. Then I thought Carl was calling the police on Kip. I would never have guessed that Hillary was already dead until Carl told his story.

I give this one a solid A-. Good job.


FADE IN:
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mmmarnie
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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I just think Carl's dialog needs to be tweaked a little. Not saying I can write better than this person. This is top notch writing and I loved the dialog up until Carl's part. I just think there's a way to make it more conversational instead of informational. I gave it a shot...hope the writer isn't offended...

"Today is March first. Bob and Linda always leave the
house on that date. It’s the anniversary of their daughter’s
death."

It's March first. Bob and Linda always skip
town on the anniversary of their daughter's death.

__________

"Ten years ago on this date Hillary had been to a party
with a young man. The story I hear is that the boy got
her drunk, then tried to rape her, but she escaped and
was drivin’ home when she skidded off the road and
crashed in a culvert. Had to use the jaws of life to pry
her out of the car. Didn’t matter, though. She was already
dead."

(Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.)



CARL
Ten years ago today, Hillary was at a party
with a young man. The boy got her drunk, tried to rape her.
She escaped but her car skid off the road and crashed in a
culvert. Had to use the jaws of life to pry her out.
(Kip looks like he’s been hit in the face with a brick.)
CARL
Didn’t matter, though. She was already dead.

___________

(Kip GASPS, and backs away from Carl.)
CARL
Soon as I saw you pull up, I called 9-1-1. Maybe they’ll
be able to save you...
(Carl steps down from the porch as the ambulance skids
to a stop in front of the house.)
CARL
But I seriously doubt it.
(Kip suddenly clutches his chest. His faces contorts from
the pain he experiences. He drops to his knees, then
collapses face down on the porch.)

(Kip GASPS, and backs away from Carl.)
CARL
Soon as I saw you pull up, I called 9-1-1.
(The ambulance skids to a stop in front of the house.)
CARL
Maybe they’ll be able to save you...
(Kip suddenly clutches his chest. His faces contorts from
the pain he experiences. He drops to his knees, then collapses
face down on the porch.)
(Carl looks down at Kip's crumpled body.)
CARL
But I seriously doubt it.


boop
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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I must be one of the few, or in fact the only person to have no idea what the UL was until I got towards the end, then I started to remember.

I quite enjoyed the story because I didn't know where it was headed from the start, though I can see why others mightn't enjoy it as much. Wasn't really a new spin on things but I do like the idea that she brings the men home as revenge.

That said, very little of the dialogue worked here. I hated how phony Kip came off. It really took me out of it and I was rolling my eyes a lot. This is definitely the weak point in your writing. Pretty much everything else is fine.

Decent effort.
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khamanna
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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This gave me severe chills.

I didn't like the writing for some reason. The dialog when Kip meets Hillary sounds like two talking heads - nothing stands out to draw me in, to make me interested in them. He says "who knows what injuries you must have sustained" and that sounds stilted.
Then he tells her she's a hot mess - her head is bleeding, I really doubt anyone in his sane mind would say that.

But I like the later development - how she grabbed him. I didn't expect her to be a ghost. And I was surprised to see Kip die.

So, great job there. I'm sorry I submitted my votes already. This would be another one of my recommends.
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Kyle
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Reading through the other comments it seems a lot of people knew where this was going which hindered their enjoyment of it. I've never heard of this story before so it was all new to me and I liked pretty much everything about it.

Some of the dialogue seemed a little off. Like when Kip's telling Hillary she needs help on page 2.

I thought the end bit with the ambulances lights turning off was great. It's probably been done many times but I've never seen it on screen before.  
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Page 3 – Kip's a “balls inflamed” dick. By the end of the story see why! Very nice.
Code

			CARL
		But I seriously doubt it.


LOL! Excellent timing & delivery!
I think this would be a fun short film to make, especially if the dark humor was turned up a bit. Very nice.



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realxwriter
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Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
I can sense a problem with it. Some lines are too formal.

Quoted Text
But you need medical attention. You have some blood coming from your head. Who knows what other injuries you might have sustained in an accident like that? You really ought to be checked out.


I might be wrong, but is this how normal people talk?

Quoted Text
"There’s something worse? What the hell could be worse?"

On the nose.

Character:
The instant intimacy between them was forced. I don't think anyone would talk to a woman, he just picked of the road after she's been in an accident, like that. Her behavior could be easily explained since she's a ghost. Even so, I think she acted more normal than him.

Feeling the luckiest man on earth just because he met a hot girl. A man driving a Range Rover? Doesn't make much sense to me.

Story:
I like the story. It's well structured. But it's been done before. But it was fun nonetheless.

Overall:
When you recycle concepts, you have to put your own fingerprint. Your unique take on it is what makes the difference.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this.
Carl changed to Neighbor in dialogue on page 6

The writing was clean and the story was great. Although the ghost on the road isn't too original, taking the guy back to her house and giving him the kiss of death was.

It all tied in nicely in the end, although after 10 years, maybe Carl should put a warning sign up at the front door

Sorry I missed this one before the voting.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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So here's the Urban Legend this was "based" on:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanishing_hitchhiker

I tried to do a spin on it where the ending wasn't what you expected; i.e., in the urban legend the driver picks up the hitchhiker and then after dropping the hitchhiker off, discovers he/she was dead all along, usually by an encounter with a family member.  I thought of flipping it in a couple of ways, making not only the hitchhiker dead, but also having the person picking the hitchhiker up dead as well.  Who knows, maybe there's a whole highway system of dead drivers/hitchhikers out there!

But instead I opted for what was probably the weirder route and probably the least expected.  I agree with what some wrote that Kip ought to be more of a louse and thus deserving to die.  I tried to incorporate the idea that coming on to the girl (who had been raped) would lead to retribution later, but that should be beefed up.

Thanks to Marnie for her great suggestions on the dialogue change, as well as to everyone who read and commented on it. I know there were quite a few people who were put off by it, but I still appreciate the read.  Thanks Don and Sean for the great OWC!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 3rd, 2016, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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So I had the good fortune to have this short film script get filmed recently in L.A. One of the stars is Dee Wallace, who starred in both "E.T." and "Cujo." It's going to be entered in a few film festivals, including the Austin Film Festival and Cannes Film Festival, so it's pretty exciting stuff! It's be great if you'd go and like the film's Facebook page here:

https://www.facebook.com/roadsideattractionshort/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

When the film is available for viewing, I'll post a link for everyone to see! Thanks!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned


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khamanna
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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Good going, Gary! Congrats!!
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AnthonyCawood
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Congrats Gary, awesome news!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Looking forward to it, mate.
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SAC
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Wow! That's fantastic. Hope it performs well in the festival circuit.

Steve


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Gary in Houston
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Thanks everyone!  Will keep you updated -- and just a word of hope to everyone out there busting their tails writing.  This script didn't get a lot of great initial reviews in the contest, but as I've come to find out, it only takes one person to like what's on the page to get it made.  And if that one person is really passionate about it and is fairly well connected, then all sorts of things can happen.

So keep writing, use feedback on reviews to help strengthen your scripts, and stay positive! But mostly KEEP WRITING!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DanC
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary in Houston
Thanks everyone!  Will keep you updated -- and just a word of hope to everyone out there busting their tails writing.  This script didn't get a lot of great initial reviews in the contest, but as I've come to find out, it only takes one person to like what's on the page to get it made.  And if that one person is really passionate about it and is fairly well connected, then all sorts of things can happen.

So keep writing, use feedback on reviews to help strengthen your scripts, and stay positive! But mostly KEEP WRITING!

Gary


Great news bud.  And you're right.  Just keep writing.  It just takes one person.  Hopefully that isn't any of the following:

1.  Crazy
2.  Stalker
3.  Crazy and a stalker
4.  Broke
5.  Fake
6.  Con artist
7.  Broke, Fake, and a con artist.
8.  thief
9.  any of the above in any order.

But, yes, keep writing.  There are tons of people who aren't like that.  And hopefully, with the closeness of this group, any bad encounters we can help each other with (if nothing else, by posting it so that this person doesn't hurt anymore of our group).

ps, if a person does hurt us, I'm up to reenact any of Pia's stories on them, or we could use mine, and I wouldn't even charge you for the copycat crime   I'm generous like that.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Great news, dude - looking forward to watching the film


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this, Gary. Good stuff. I missed this OWC so I never got to this one. But solid work all through bro. Good luck with it.

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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GARY!!!!

Brilliant news buddy... proud of you.


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Gary in Houston
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Hey Mark, Steven, Dan and Dave!  Thanks very much!  Looking forward to the final product and being able to share it with you!

Mark, what's the latest on the Jesus shorts (the films, not his underwear)?

Dan, I've definitely encounter at least six people on that list, and probably the remainder before it's all said and done!  

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Don
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I have a blurb up here: http://www.simplyscripts.com/2016/04/05/roadside-attractions-is-getting-made/ let me know if I need to change anything.

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much, Don! I said it on the over at the script of the day part of Simply Scripts, but I'll repeat it here just in case others don't happen to wander over there:

Thank you so much for a lot of things (including the contribution you made on behalf of SimplyScripts), but primarily for everything that you do for this site. It has been a great place to meet other writers, make connections, and most of all, to be discovered! I know there have been a number of people discovered on this site and a great number of scripts that have been produced, and so know that we are all deeply indebted to you and this site and appreciate the hard work you put in into it!

And again, guys, if I can get it done, so can you -- so get back to your computers and start writing!!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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irish eyes
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from gary
Mark, what's the latest on the Jesus shorts (the films, not his underwear)?


Nothing going on bro, entered into a shitload of festivals, not getting accepted by many I think for religious reasons

Congrats again on your script... That's a pretty cool cast


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DanC
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes


Nothing going on bro, entered into a shitload of festivals, not getting accepted by many I think for religious reasons

Congrats again on your script... That's a pretty cool cast


Can I read the Jesus shorts?  I'm always interested in takes on old religious stories.

Also, I clicked on your link to check out your screenplays, but, they don't take me to any links that I can click on.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 9th, 2016, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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We now have a web site for this short film:

http://garymhowell.wix.com/roadsidefilm

Check it out! No trailer yet -- we're working on that. As soon as we get that together I'll post it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DanC
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Gary
     I just checked out the website.  It looks AWESOME.  Very professional.  Congrats.  You deserve every break you get.

And judging from the other comments, many others agree with me.  That is the one thing that I really love about this site.  Most people in the "biz" are portrayed as being shallow "what can you do to help me" type of people.

Not on this site.  We all know that a great story means that our story might not get made.  Yet, not one of us ever gives bad advice.  We care about the relationships and karma far more then being shallow.

That's a credit to Don, Janet, and the fine moderators who have cultivated a wonderful "family" atmosphere where a person can get good, sometimes honestly brutal advice, but, at least it's good advice.  

Screenwriting isn't for the feint of heart.  It's a brutal business where 9 people can tell you that your story is awesome, but, the person who reads it that matters most, the one with the cash, passes on it.  That's how it goes.  You have to hope the 11th person is like the 90%.  

Gary, I see that you are still accepting donations.  Is the film done, or is that for post production like fees to enter contests?

Again, congrats!!

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 11th, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Dan, thanks very much! Yes, this site has been great for a lot of different reasons, including the advice from fellow writers!

The shooting is complete -- it was done about the third week of January. As I write this, the director is sitting with the editor coming up with a finished cut.  So I'm hoping for a trailer or something that I can put on the site in the very near future.

The story on the funding: Megan Griffey, the lead actress, found this script here on SS.  A lot of people had been telling her she needed to make something herself so she would have an "actor's reel" for auditions.  So she basically paid for all the costs of production herself.  So the fundraising is to help pay herself back and to allow for entries into several film festivals. I'm not making anything off the fundraising, in case anyone's wondering. I did put up some of my own money, but I did it without the expectation of ever being repaid.

One thing I'll say about the fundraising: I think some people are being scared away at the size of some of the other gifts. I would much rather have a bunch of $5 gifts than one $50 gift.  That probably sounds stupid, but I think if others see that you can give $5 or $2 or $10 or whatever, they're more likely to contribute and be a part of this effort.

Thanks for asking and for the kind words, Dan!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Don
Posted: November 28th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I think we've finally stopped entering my short film "Country Road 12" in festivals (it was originally "Roadside Attraction" when entered in a one week challenge a couple of years ago).


Roadside Attraction from Gary Howell on Vimeo.



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2017, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Solid production - congrats, dude.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gary in Houston
Posted: November 28th, 2017, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dave!  And thanks Don for posting!

This was one of those scripts that had some splits on people who liked it/were lukewarm on it. But the lead actress, Megan Griffey, liked it enough that she wanted to make it, and she got her friend, Moosie Drier (the "Bob Newhart Show", "Oh God!" "Howl's Moving Castle"), to direct it.  Moosie was friends with Dee Stone ("E.T."), and he got her to appear in it as well.

The production quality has a lot to do with the fact that it was shot on a Red camera. Came out looking great, I agree.  I like the dark look.  If anyone ever has the opportunity to shoot something with a Red, by all means, go for it.

Hope everyone enjoys!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Warren
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Haven't read the script but checked out the short. Really great production, looks and sounds amazing. Awesome cast.

SPOILERS

The story didn't really grab me. Why kill the men? Why did the neighbour turn into the hitchhiker? Does it make a difference that she almost got raped? I just got lost on some of the details. Also lots of expositional dialogue at the end.

The hitchhiker and the neighbour are the same person but it still makes no sense to the viewer that the neighbour would know the details of what happened the night of her death if she was pronounced dead at the scene. Not like the rapist would have come forward.

Anyway, just being nitpicky. It's a fantastic production. Definitely one to be proud of.

Congrats.



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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Warren


SOILERS




I remember this script! Congratulations on getting a great film from it, Gary!

Wasn't this based on some urban legend or something?


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Gary in Houston
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Ha! Soilers.  But I get it Warren - this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. The idea of why she kills the guys that pick r up is that she was killed by a guy that picked her up after an accident. I think some things got changed in the script and maybe it wasn’t made clear in the revised script.

Pia, this was a OWC entry in the urban legends week.  There was a significant change made to the script I didn’t necessarily agree with, which was changing the elderly neighbor into the woman iin the accident, mainly b/c it didn’t sync with the young woman’s story.

Other than that, I was fairly pleased with how it turned out.

Thanks for taking a look guys!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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I remember that OWC and your script was good.  I liked the film even though they changed it some.

Though Warren is correct that it doesn't "reach out and grab you" I still think it was good and easy enough to follow what's going on.  The exposition at the end was necessary because it is a short film and there was a lot to explain.

Good job!  How did it end up doing on the festival circuit?


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Gary in Houston
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Good job!  How did it end up doing on the festival circuit?


Thanks!  Not too bad, we got into three festivals and made the finals of the Burbank International Film Festival for short horror films, so I guess that's something.  Appreciate the kind words!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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LC
Posted: November 30th, 2017, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Gary, great job getting Dee Wallace! How'd they manage that? Nice work. You must be pleased.


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Shakey
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This is the first board I've read here. A script... an actual script that makes real sense and tells a real story (though, yeah, dialogue is hard)... and then a real live film that's been actually filmed, in real life.

The film looks great - love the velvety darkness. I actually watched the film first and then read the script. I think the way the ending works in the film is better than the script version. We feel the confusion of the main character more clearly. It's not handed to us on a plate that this is what dropping dead really looks like.
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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from LC
Gary, great job getting Dee Wallace! How'd they manage that? Nice work. You must be pleased.


Libby, it was awesome! The director was good friends with her and the best part was that she did it for free!  Would never have been able to pull it off otherwise - just wasn't in the budget.


Quoted from AlwaysTheNewGuy
The film looks great - love the velvety darkness. I actually watched the film first and then read the script. I think the way the ending works in the film is better than the script version. We feel the confusion of the main character more clearly. It's not handed to us on a plate that this is what dropping dead really looks like.


Appreciate the kind words!  Shooting on a Red camera really made a big difference in the look. Glad you liked the ending as well!

Gary  


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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stevemiles
Posted: November 30th, 2017, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Congrats - nicely filmed and very easy to watch.  A little wordy at the end, but the acting pulls it off.  Not sure about the neighbour/hitchhiker switch but what can you do.  An old tale nicely told.

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from stevemiles


Congrats - nicely filmed and very easy to watch.  A little wordy at the end, but the acting pulls it off.  Not sure about the neighbour/hitchhiker switch but what can you do.  An old tale nicely told.


Thanks Steve!


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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