The Bunny Man Untold by Christopher Moltisanti - Short, Comedy - A reporter interviews a survivor of an urban legend encounter   14 pages pdf - pdf, format

Bunny man

I wondered how many bunny men we would see. doesn't mean it can't be good, lets see…

p6 and irs been a bit talking heads - no action

LUCAS
            Unconsensual tickling is a
            heinous act.
                   (beat)
            I should know as it happened to me.

seriously….

and followed by…

Be-atches just don't get it! We
            don't want to be tickled for
            fucks sake!

i'm struggling with the tonal shift, but i get the irony that could be used.

Yeah. Fucker likes the Seahawks.  - i support the seahawks, somehow

got a bit american for my taste by the end, i probably didn't get a few gags.

It didn't float my boat, but the reversal of a killer into a tickler is a sound idea. i just think the style wasn't for me.

May be others will be more in tune

LOL!!!!  

Funny shit here.  Pretty obvious who wrote this.

Serious critique would be that it runs a little long, with some definite hit and definite miss laughs.  Writing is pretty solid, with a few little burps here and there.  Dialogue is the highlight and for the most part, well done for both characters.

Only problem I have was that I don't really understand the ending and I don't want to use any spoilers, so I'll just leave it at that.

I call this a pisser, and I don't do that in a negative way, as it is definitely some funny shite, you CuntOx!  

"Wouldn't surprise me if
the fuckin' Bunny Man plays it."  

"Tell me...did the Bunny Man
tickle your tummy? Or under your
arms?" You're gonna kill me, man. Stop.

"Both. I was totally helpless." I've died.

I searched up the Bunny Man before this, a nice twist to the legend. Not entirely sure if I'd call this a pisser, it's got a pretty standard comedic tone, nice for a good laugh but not much more. Ending scene is a little confusing, but at least we hear from the Bunny Man himself. I suppose you got what you were going for, so good job on that angle.

Writing style:
Simple and efficient. It's unfair to ask for more.

Dialogue:
The jewel of this script. It felt authentic and a lot of the lines were actually funny. However, Lucas was a bit overshadowed by Rusty. I didn't hear a distinguishable voice from him.

Characters:
The dialogue made them feel real, but beyond that we haven't seen a different dimension to them. For a character to be fully appreciated, we need to seem him act and react to reasonably distinct situations. All we see them do is tell the story about the legend. His interaction with his wife was a missed opportunity that you should have ceased to give us more insight into his character.

Lucas was very passive through most of script. I wished for some conflict between him and Rusty. He could have kept quoting from his pad despite Rusty instruction. That would have been interesting.

Story:
The big flaw here that's staring me in the face is how the story was told verbally and not visually. Why tell us if you can show us? The whole point of film-miking is to bring told stories to life through imagery. If the incident flashback was shown it would have opened doors for many ways to make this script shine. For instance, you could have shown things disfigured by Lucas misconceptions about the Bunny man which would be rectified straight away by Rusty. Would have been fun to watch.

Also, the twists wasn't handled well. The moment were Rusty revealed the real crime that Bunnyman did to him was thrown out unceremoniously. At every point where the story unfold to change direction or reveal something interesting, you have to milk it. Highlight and enhance these moments.

The last scene didn't add value to the script in my opinion.

Overall:
You have great talent writing description and dialogue, but your storytelling method could use more visualization.

Good luck and well done.

Too much exposition and I'm only on page 6. I'm going to come back to this one... maybe.

Wow...this is the work of a sick mind.  The writer took a perfectly scary urban legend and turned it into some twisted tickling sex freak tale with KFC thrown in at the end for vomiting purposes.  Kinda speechless here.

Normally I don't like talking heads giving us all the details and backstory, but Rusty was such a colorful old coot, I actually didn't mind.  Even Lucas began to add some spice as the story went on.  The carrot thing...okay I didn't see that coming.  The Bunny Man killed by five hundred pounds of irony.

Then of course we have the obligatory "He's not dead after all" scene at the end, natch.  Overall, this was quite a unique take on the challenge.  I think this just might win the writer a crappy mug.  Hopefully he brings the mug to his next therapy session.  Yeesh.

The Bunny Man legend is pretty bizarre and messed up, and I particularly enjoyed the concept, where he is a tickling menace. Other than that though, I disliked much of the dialogue, it just didn't land for me, and the characters were quite one dimensional.

I think a better ending would of seen Rusty make some money by selling his story, and laughing at Lucas' naivety in believing what were obviously lies. Then have Rusty get his comeuppance as The Bunny Man pays him a visit later that night.

Great concept, decent execution.

The plus here is the idea. The Bunny Man tickles. That's funny.

Great lines: Unconsensual tickling's a heinous act. I don't believe in a God that would allow indiscriminate male tickling.

What I did not like:

1. Missing  apostrophes all over the place (thats, its).

2. Rusty. I've known a lot of Rusty types, and this one's too much a stereotype.

3. Lucas. He identifies himself as a Washington reporter, but he  acts like a timid kid working for a high school paper. THEN, he totally shifts character. Now he's somebody else, spittin' and guzzlin' and smokin' weed.

4. Killed by carrots. Excellent potential, but it has to be set up somehow. Only through subsequent dialogue do we find out where they came from.

5. KFC ending. Way over the top. I can imagine the idea seemed funny (for about two seconds), but it's not.

Well, I'll be.  A bunny-costume serial killer.  Never 'a heard o' that one, hear?

That said - I think this one's got terrific potential.  You've got the jokes, the dialogue and the twist absolutely down pat.  A great colorful character in Rusty as well. Very smooth read (except for page one, where the formatting was a bit... funky.)

I DO think this runs on far too long....lapsing from a funny twisted "tale told from a rocking chair" to a talking head scenario that wears out its welcome.  It could be 2/3rd to 1/2 the size, and that'd be a major improvement.  Because it starts to drag... which a story like this shouldn't.  The humor and craziness should keep one riveted to the end.  Given a rewrite, I think this one could be REALLY fun.

Found the pisser! Fun read, despite some dragging and going on a fair amount of pages too long. It's a safe bet this one won't be getting a second draft anyway, so who cares. Cheers for the laughs, will help me get through a few more serious entries.

Great job at Rusty's tone - his dialogue was pretty much spot on throughout.

Way too long for my tastes - I think it could have been pared down by 4 pages or so.

Christopher Moltisanti, I miss you. I see you got tired of slashers (Cleaver - little Sopranos joke) and decided to write a comedy. And what a comedy this is. Nice to read something out of the box.

I actually think you write characters really well. Though Henry thinks he's not quite there I really enjoyed Rusty's characterisation. His dialogue - 'that a fact...' 'Now hold there! I'm telling this tale.' etc. and his awful hoiking habit rang true enough for me.

I liked the 'interview' format of this too, though I couldn't quite work out why he was so sensitive about being recorded - the trauma of that past event, I suppose.  

This line and the image that would go with it, is genuinely funny:

A cloud momentarily shuts off
the sunlight and Lucas shivers.

This point below was a lost opportunity for a flashback though. I really wanted to 'see' Cyn and Rusty under that bridge.

RUSTY
Ok, where was I? Right...
(beat)
It had been a wonderful night for
Cyn and me. ... as we were walking home,
she suggested a detour via the rail bridge.

Even so, Rusty relays it well.

I wasn't facing this madman with my nuts out

... the bunny man started tickling me

I think that was one clever idea, the tickling. Never would have thought of that.

Okay, I liked it better when Lucas didn't (hawk) - (hoik, as I would say) and turn into a Rusty clone. I thought he was quite straight laced in the beginning and I liked the character contrast - something to think about perhaps. Once he started with the 'be atches' I decided he was a different kinda guy than I imagined. Still he's a very complex character - and it appears he's had a traumatic experience of his own:

'open slather tickling' - 'introducing it into our relationship' - very funny.

Tickling can be a kind of torture.

I gotta say this is quite nicely put together - perhaps gets a little tedious with the end scene and the carrots but there's a lot to like with this comedic version of the bunnyman so mission accomplished.

The reference to 'Candy Crush' gives a firm nod to the identity of the author - for those who've been paying attention... Unless it's a misdirection.

My only real advice here is: Bone up on those apostrophes and other miscellaneous punctuation omissions - probably down to two things - the story coming thick and fast outta your head, and that you were probably under the gun.

Very enjoyable read and a unique take on the challenge.

I like a lot of this script, characters work, dialogue zings well and it didn't drag for me.

But I think more could be done through visuals and less through exposition.

The carrots are funny, but wouldn't a ton of feathers be funnier - the tickler, tickeld?

Anyway largely liked!

See what happens when someone writes a very funny, well laid out comedy... it gets calls a pisser.
You can't win.

2 parameters for this challenge
Urban legend with a twist... Check
Open genre... comedy... Check

I for one will take this as a serious entry.
Great back and forth dialogue with Rusty's dead pan to Luca's straight laced.  That was until the tickling was mentioned(very clever twist) and then Luca's became a new character. Brought him outta his shell and then he became the funny one.

LUCAS
Be-atches just don't get it! We
don't want to be tickled for
fucks sake!  

Besides the ton of carrots getting dropped on the bunny, this is pretty low budget and would be easily filmed.
It was fast paced and well written.
Overall a great COMEDY and one of my favs so far

Urby Legend: The Bunny Man returneth!

Lots of talking heads here, but I don't mind if the majority of dialog is entertaining. I wished for a few more visuals, but what's here is fine. One of the better entries, not too bad. Not much to add.

I've read some entries where it felt like the writer was yanking my chain and not trying to be halfway good - this is not one of those entries. This is not a piss job.

Quoted from irish eyes See what happens when someone writes a very funny, well laid out comedy... it gets calls a pisser. You can't win.

You're right. I for one jumped the gun to call this a pisser, although I meant it in a positive way, if that makes any sense. It was definitely funny and works well as an absurd comedy. I've come up with multiple dodgy reviews this OWC that I've rethought after looking it over again... my bad, folks.

I don't think it is a pisser or a very funny, well laid out comedy.

This was a tad long but I did find it ridiculously entertaining.

The switch from straight faced legend to comedic bunny antics was funny and the outlandish ending had me chuckling.

I enjoyed this entry a lot.  My favourite so far.

What an imagination in this funny story! Kept envisioning this story animated.
Maybe show Rusty's story as it occurs. There's a strong feeling of listening in as Rusty relates what happened to Lucas.
Pretty fun story idea.

You must be from Washington State, because you be smoking way too much weed.

Your story, while a bit long, is perfectly readable.  Your formatting is reasonable and your dialog is natural and fun.  I thought the tickling twist was interesting.  There's a structure here, but your ending is a total mess.  And I was confused by the KFC reference.

Three problems early on:

(1) Too much exposition.

(2) A line from Lucas that's totally unbelievable:

Quoted Text He shudders. A moistness forms in his eyes. LUCAS Are you alright Mr Borland? I could come back tomorrow?

Seriously?  No reporter worth their salt would make that offer unless maybe the interviewee was completely losing it.

(3) You kick the Seahawks when they're down.  Yes, it was the dumbest play in Superbowl history, but dude, have a heart...

One way to make this funnier is if it's clear that Lucas is not interested in covering this story.  It was pushed on him, maybe as a joke/punishment from his boss.  He's just pretending to be interested and is subversively snarky in ways that Rusty doesn't pick up on so that the audience expects Lucas to ridicule Rusty upon the reveal.  But then, after dragging out the suspense a bit, we discover Lucas has been converted to Rusty's camp because of Lucas's tickling PTSD.

The talk about getting high and about the uncle needlessly slows the story down.  I would focus on the planning and execution of getting revenge on the Bunnyman, how Lucas goes from incredulous snark to over-enthusiastic conspirator.  Then you have a real character arc.

And what about the Bunnyman?  I want to know what the deal is with him.  Can't we have a 2nd reveal?

I would recommend reading The Hidden Tools of Comedy.  It covers two aspects that would improve the humor in your story:

(1) Making sure that your characters are "true".  In other words, their behavior is always consistent with who they are.

(2) Straight line vs. wavy line.  If you play Lucas straight before the reveal and wavy after the reveal, while at the same time reversing that a for Rusty (he's not prepare to go that far), it would be way funnier.

A few things come to mind as I read: too wordy, meaningless set up, on the nose, show don't tell.

Too wordy: the descriptions setting up where Rusty lives are wordy.

Meaningless set up: where Rusty lives are meangingless. He lives in an old shack in a place of well kept homes. Rusty could live at the end of a dirt road in the woods and it makes no difference to the story...right?

On the nose: instead of letting the story tell about the legend the actors talk about the legend. And they talk too much about things that don't matter, the stuff readers tend to skip over, which amount to many pages here. Dialogue between Rusty and Lucas doesn't feel natural (to me). Intermixed with "clears...shudders...snaps...nods...LAUGHS...flips...stares....HAWKS..." etc. which is meaningless filler.

This leads to show don't tell: most is told, not shown. Told is boring. 12 out of 15 pages told.

I read up on the legend and granted it's a skinny legend I've never heard of so that could mean you picked the wrong legend, which is probably the case. But hey, instead of an axe it was tickling, so points for that.

More thought could have produced something funny, I think. You could have SHOWN the legend as is, then SHOWN Rusty's version, intermixed, but SHOWN, the truth.

A flash of light and the bunny dude is in Lucas' bed?

Well this was highly entertaining. Rusty is a great character. Candy Crush addicted hillbilly. Love it.

IMO, I think it might have been better if Lucas was more of a conservative guy...no cursing, just there to report and maybe a little uncomfortable with Rusty's ways. I say that because they ended up sounding the same a few times.

And I think this went on too long. Some of the banter could easily be trimmed which I think would make the funny parts even funnier.

I'd keep working on this one. It has potential for a quirky short film.

Nicely written. Quick and easy to follow.

Lucas' character shift from a straight-laced reporter to Rusty's sidekick seemed a little abrupt and the last third of the script confused me a little. But overall, it was unique, witty and a pleasure to read.

The Bunny Man Untold

Okay the whole story was told via dialogue up to a certain point. Anyhow it's interesting to imagine the visuals when they're just told by your actors, still... It went too long for what it is and too repetitive, and also the humor wasn't for me. Good luck.

I loved how it was a tickling monster, what a funny idea!. This was written really well, good clear action lines. A lot of talking but the dialogue was sharp and funny with some memorable lines.
Would love to have 'seen' Rusty's old incident rather than him just talking about it.

Repeatedly, you’re using “__” where “--” needs to go for dialog interruptions.
Well…
What a queer, odd story.
Relatively good to great dialog, very natural.
I can’t really pin on how this would be shot and marketed. It’s not horror, plenty of comedy yet still not enough, a good dose of plain drama, there’s action… I dunno.
Four outta five essential parts are there. Or 80% of all five parts. I dunno.

Stevie, I think Rusty should get best character of this OWC - well, of those I read anyway. Great stuff.

Quoted from LC Stevie, I think Rusty should get best character of this OWC - well, of those I read anyway. Great stuff.

Lol cheers Lib. Thanks to all who read and enjoyed. This took me all week to do as I was so tired from late nights at work, the heat and life etc.

Nothing remotely pisstake about it either as Mark pointed out to some people. To clear things up a proper Simply Scripts pisstake involves using regulars and their quirky habits in a comedy based in the theme of any particular OWC. A good one hasn't been done for awhile lol.

Rusty was your sort of grizzled old timer who lives alone. My brothers name is Tony but he is universally known as Rusty since his teens so I used that lol.  I was surprised that people thought that Lucas changed as a char so quick but it was the booze and good weed and Rustys revelation that did it.

I had a different ending but forgot to use it as I was in a hurry.  I won't be rewritng this at all as is my want with my OWC entries - comedy needs to be and stay spontaneous so ya don't meddle with it. If I didn't think perps wouldn't find this funny I wouldn't have entered it.

Anyone is free to use this and film it if they want in any form.

Cheers to Don and Blondie for running a great show!