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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Radio and Stage Plays  ›  The Unmitigated Consequence
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  Author    The Unmitigated Consequence  (currently 4688 views)
cloroxmartini
Posted: February 2nd, 2016, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Skeeter
I'm sorry . . . I thought that this site would be more of an intelligent discussion on the script rather than ignorant comments pretending to be criticism.  When I hear words like "Cheesy" "Melodramatic"  and "Over the top" - I just can't help but think that the people criticizing on this script are a lower caliber than I expected from this site.  I'm only looking for an intelligent discussion on the script and what the script is about.   Reading comments of people who obviously have no conceptual understanding of the script or its content makes for a useless day.   There is NOTHING "Cheesy" "Melodramatic" or "Over the top" in this script.  I would like to take this criticism seriously, but, with this level of complete mis-understanding of the material, it's very difficult.  


One: any story strikes one person different than another. One person's junk is another's treasure. That holds true with writing and stories, plays and film. JyotiS loved your work, I didn't.

Two: I clarified my comments might be ignorant if you had cared to read what I wrote.

Three: I didn't use the words "Cheesy" or "Melodramatic" so I am not sure who you are referring to; previous readers before you posted here? I did use the phrase "over the top" and I stand by it. It's MY opinion.

It IS THE WRITER'S (YOUR) JOB to convey the story in a way THE READER (I) WILL UNDERSTAND and want to keep reading. I emphasis UNDERSTAND because while I may understand your story I may not like it; horror stories for example I understand but I do not like them, Sam I am. Even if I do understand I might be bored to tears and quit reading, so, keep me reading...such is your job.

Some readers will read all the way through a story and lucky for them they get to pick and choose what they wish to read and how far they will read. If a story grabs me, even though poorly written, I will read and comment at my pleasure. If something does not grab me, I won't, or very little, and my comments will be short, saying it didn't work for me. I don't get paid for this and my time is my time as with anyone else here.

I made the point of telling you I think plays are dialogue centric. I am not on a play reading site I am on a screenplay reading site. While plays show up, and I might read them (I have been banned from reading French plays), but I am a movie guy, not a play guy.

You love your work and take it seriously which you should. Your work didn't work for me, the hackneyed commentator.

Since my caliber is too low for you, take my comments for what they're worth and move on.
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Demento
Posted: February 3rd, 2016, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I read a few pages after this was posted and I have to agree with some of the posters. The dialogue came off to me as very OTN and melodramatic. So I share the sentiments others have voiced.

I didn't see any subtlety. To be subtle you have to say something by not really saying it. Or say it with saying something totally different. So people have to search for it, read into stuff. In the pages I read, everything seemed pretty straight forward and obvious. It was laid on pretty thick. I got the impression that maybe English wasn't your first language and this is why everything was so OTN.

This is just my impression of the FEW pages that I read. Five or six, if I remember correctly.

Anyway. Good luck with it. Hope you get it filmed.
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Dustin
Posted: February 4th, 2016, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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If you have truly experienced this, then go back to the time you were being beaten. Were you able to construct coherent sentences? How long did your bravado (if any) actually last?

You're alone, nobody to help you. Beaten, completely overpowered and unable to fight back because you're outweighed and have nowhere near the strength he does. What really went through your mind?

That's what you need to bring. What you've got here is bullshit.
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Skeeter
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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I never said it was film ready.  The film script is not completed.  The treatment is close to complete.  There is more to the story that I couldnt tell or show on the stage.  The court scenes will be more of a montage.  As far as the length,  its not as long as you may think.  The whole play with intermission ran 1:40-45 minutes.  
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Skeeter
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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AUDIENCE COMMENTS From the production at the Times Square Arts Center in New York City - 2011

*  This is a hard, ugly, disturbing play -- and that's the point. This play will haunt you!  Gold

* This event is a shocking truth. We need to be reminded of the perils of domestic abuse because it will not go away by itself. This show insures that the audience will never forget. Gold Star

* Heavy, heavy content right from the get-go.  Great acting. Gold Star

* Intense, difficult to watch but important body of work. Exceptional acting. Thought provoking. Gold Star

*  The play was very well acted with a very strong message. This play is a must see, some scenes were disturbing, but this was the intent of the play, to get the message out...Bravo! Gold Star

* It was very extreme. Very abusive. It was a real live story about what happens when people stay in abusive relationships too long. and also why they can't leave. Gold Star

* We loved the play. The acting was incredible and the actors got the point across about domestic violence. Would recommend this play to others to see. We will have to say that it is hard to watch because of the abuse because it is very intense, but it makes you appreciate what you have in your life. Gold Star

* Very moving thought provoking performance. Even though it was a minimal set with few characters it more than retained my interest. Gold Star

* Extremely sober and powerful play. I was surprised at the depth of the acting. You walk out with parts of it playing through your head.  Theater Extras

* Powerful, disturbing, very well acted, well presented... beautiful people.  Gold Star

* I loved it. Intense and extremely well acted. I highly recommend this play! I was spellbound!  Gold Star

* Great show, excellent acting. Very disturbing content, violence from beginning to end.  It gives us an insight into domestic violence occurring in one family, and all negative consequences it brings. This show has a strong message.  Gold Star

* It's a powerful view into the life of someone who has suffered domestic abuse. Gold Star

* Although the subject material is difficult to watch at times, the actors gave wonderful and compelling performances. Gold Star

* It's a powerful view into the life of someone who has suffered domestic abuse. Gold Star

*  The play was very well acted with a very strong message. This play is a must see, some scenes were disturbing, but this was the intent of the play, to get the message out...Bravo! Gold Star
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eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Okay Skeeter - I am out.  You are obviously interested in promotion rather than critique so any review efforts here are pretty much wasted. This script has problems. If you don't want to deal with them - fine, your call. I'm done.






My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Demento
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Skeeter

AUDIENCE COMMENTS From the production at the Times Square Arts Center in New York City - 2011


Were there any negative reactions?

Just curious.
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Skeeter
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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One negative reaction.  They didnt care for the violence and the language.  
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Skeeter
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Eldave1 - Thank you for getting out!  
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eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Eldave1 - Thank you for getting out!  


The pleasure was all mine, dude.  Oh - The line is forming behind me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JonnyBoy
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I'd second that question, actually - are you looking for feedback, Skeeter? Or did you post it in the hope someone would film it, and so you're mainly here for promotional purposes?

Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the latter. I think it just might be useful for everyone to be clear.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Demento
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Whether or not this script has problems or not is subjective. That's up for discussion which I think at this point is obviously not going to happen here.

But, Skeeter it is difficult for anyone not to find you anything other than arrogant and hungry for praise based on your posts in this thread.

This site works on feedback. You only seem to be interested in posting in your own thread and when someone posts in it, you comment back by attacking them. That they don't understand this or that.

How is anyone suppose to interpret those positive reactions you posted other than - "all these people loved it, there's something wrong with you that you didn't like it". Why should anyone care what others thought about your work? They're here to read it and comment their opinion on it. Not to be told what strangers thought of it. Maybe the people that saw it were friends, family, people that were trying to just be polite. Maybe not. I don't know. But based on people's reaction here I have doubt.

Here no one has any interest other than telling you what they really think. They also don't have any interest in sugar-coating their advice, but to maintain a level of politeness. If you don't like or agree with what they have to say, try to engage in a polite debate voicing your arguments to persuade them to read further. To try and see their mistake. Or... just leave it be. Not comment anything.

Being defensive and adding implied insults to people won't do you any favors. You're just doing your image here harm.

I hope you get your play filmed. You seem happy with it and think it can be a success. Good luck.
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Skeeter
Posted: February 7th, 2016, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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OMG  I can not believe where people have taken this whole thing.  I dont see a lot of credibility in these comments.  Especially when I hear Over the top, melodrama etc.  The criticism doesnt make any sense.  People have their opinions I guess, but, whatever.   Also, this is NOT the film script.  the film script is not complete yet.  Obviously it is different.  This is the stage play.  So when I hear comments how this wont work for film,  I again have no choice to question the credibility of the person making the comments.  

I was really looking for a discussion on domestic violence itself more than I was on the play.  I posted the audience comments to show that the people who see the play live,  know it is not melodrama.  Melodrama is fake,  I dont do fake.  I do reality.  Not posted for praise.  I dont need praise or criticism to do my art.  I could care less that you like it or not.  The script tells the truth and that is what is most important to me.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: February 7th, 2016, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Skeeter
OMG  I can not believe where people have taken this whole thing.  I dont see a lot of credibility in these comments.


Sorry we've failed you, Skeeter. I work for a play publisher here in the UK, by the way, publishing works by British writers like Caryl Churchill, Jez Butterworth, Mike Bartlett, Lucy Kirkwood, Nina Raine, and also US playwrights including Bruce Norris, David Lindsay-Abaire, Larry Kramer, Tony Kushner, Christopher Shinn, Tracy Letts, Lynn Nottage, Suzan-Lori Parks... so I do understand the difference between a playscript and a screenplay. Just FYI.

SimplyScripts isn't really a political forum, it's a place to solicit and give feedback on scripts. As you're not looking for that, I won't bother reading this. But best of luck with it.



Guess who's back? Back again?
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Skeeter
Posted: February 7th, 2016, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't failed.  I also don't have a problem with constructive criticism.  I just haven't read any yet.  That's the problem.  So, there is only one way to end this.  And that is to have all you critics out there that hate this script so much, to present YOUR scripts and show us all how its done.   People more often than not, will criticize what they don't understand, what they don't know and what they cannot do themselves.  So show us all how its done properly and present YOUR script.  Just end it with your presentation of your masterful work and lets all move on!  
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