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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Radio and Stage Plays  ›  The Unmitigated Consequence
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  Author    The Unmitigated Consequence  (currently 4607 views)
Don
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Unmitigated Consequence by K.R. Boxberger - Play, Thriller - The unrelenting truth about domestic violence. 117 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Skeeter
Posted: December 30th, 2015, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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This play has had proven success on the stage that frightened even the manliest of men.  There was not one dry-eye in the house . . . Every night - ESPECIALLY the men.  I knew if I could get the men to cry,  then I did it correctly.  It simply tells the truth about domestic violence.  I am writing the Treatment for it so as to put on film, which is my next goal with this piece.  It MUST be made into a film.  

This script is not so much intended for the person who has been victimized, but for those that have not and those who have witnessed domestic violence and done nothing about it.  I believe education is the solution to any problem.  The more the public is educated on the reality of domestic violence, the better the chance they have in fighting it.
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JyotiS
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Yesterday night I read your play 'The Unmitigated Consequence' and feel good the way it is written. At the moment I searching some gripping script for my next film which has few characters s and limited locations. Your script almost meets the requirement. Could you contact me at ram@rbsmedia.in for more discussion. Thanks!  
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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking...hmm...what's that word...collusion. Yeah, that's it.
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Skeeter
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Collusion? . . .
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bert
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
I'm thinking...hmm...what's that word...collusion. Yeah, that's it.


Had you spent a few moments checking things out, clorox, you would note that this guy is from India.

"Collusion," as you put it, seems most unlikely.  And we typically leave it to the Mods to ferret out that sort of behavior anyway, don't we?  

Don't sweat it, Skeeter.  Best of luck with your work, as you do seem passionate about it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Skeeter
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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I knew he was from India.  I do my homework.  I direct my own work anyways.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, mah mahstah *machine breathing*

I take it back it's not always what it seems, I agree.

I did read a good portion of the work, skimmed to the end (due to lengthy dialogue, not a play person) and while I've never seen a play like this (I have seen plays and Broadway type shows) I wasn't affected by it, despite the statement there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Not sure how it would play on the screen and there are many film stories about domestic violence that show it and don't talk so much about it, like the burning bed. Just seemed over the top to me and yelled "this is domestic violence, read me."
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Skeeter
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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UHG!  "My Breathing-Machine now" - Over the top? . . . Not hardly.  Maybe you should read it all the way through rather than just skimming through it.  Then you'd be able to actually comment about it in a more productive manner.   I have had this script read by several women who have been abused.  Not a one said "Over the top"  They all said it was "Too close to home".   Try not use "Buzz Phrases" to make you appear more intelligent . . . That's called Hackneyed.  

I appreciate at least you read some of the script though.  I'm just sorry you didn't understand it.  
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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Machine breathing was directed at Bert, the God King.

I did read it, through the court scene, to the last page and the ending monologue. I skim read when dialogue gets to be too much for me. I wrote the caveat that I am not a "play" person and I believe plays are are dialogue centric. Movie scripts are not dialogue centric. However since you wrote there wasn't a dry eye in the house, I gave it a shot.

So here's what broke it for me right out of the gate. You have this woman who is freaked out by her ex being in her house and they scuffle and she sprays him with mace, screaming...I get it, this is serious! Get the F out! Run for your life. Then...

                           WOMAN
They're going to find you, you know.
                          MAN
Yeah, well, them's the breaks. But not before I've
finished my business.  That,I can assure you.
                           WOMAN
What business?
                            MAN
My business with you. You owe me.
                           WOMAN
I don't owe you anything.
                           MAN
The hell you don't. You owe me your life...All I wanted to do was to come here and see you. To make sure
my baby was doing okay . . .

Then they go back to fighting, you can't stay here, etc.

Point is, she engages him in a conversation. So I'm like, what? I thought she was in danger and she engages him in a conversation? It doesn't ring true. What it rings of is preaching, something to drive the point home that THIS is about domestic violence so listen up. So I skim read and found that kind of thing is through out. Maybe the system is so screwed up, or the people in these situations are like this, God knows I haven't been here so I don't know. I'm just telling you what breaks it for me. I am not denying anyone their due or their experience because I have read the news and know there is messed up stuff, far beyond my imagination and experience, in this world.
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Skeeter
Posted: January 14th, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think you are picking up the context and the nuance of the dialogue.  The business is MAN getting even with WOMAN.  It's not conversation.  There is a lot of sarcasm, innuendo and mind-games being played.   I do however agree, the court scenes are a little long, we cut them for the stage and will be cut again in the film version.    
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Skeeter
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I'm sorry . . . I thought that this site would be more of an intelligent discussion on the script rather than ignorant comments pretending to be criticism.  When I hear words like "Cheesy" "Melodramatic"  and "Over the top" - I just can't help but think that the people criticizing on this script are a lower caliber than I expected from this site.  I'm only looking for an intelligent discussion on the script and what the script is about.   Reading comments of people who obviously have no conceptual understanding of the script or its content makes for a useless day.   There is NOTHING "Cheesy" "Melodramatic" or "Over the top" in this script.  I would like to take this criticism seriously, but, with this level of complete mis-understanding of the material, it's very difficult.  
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Dustin
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

WOMAN
(Crying)
I thought he was you! It was supposed to be you! Oh my
God, why? Why did you do this to me? Why? . . . Oh my
God! What have I done? What have I done?
(Belts out a couple loud cries)
Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! . . . Where are you? Come back here and
finish the job you coward. I can't take this any more! I
want you out of my life once and for all. You hear me?
I'm ready! Come on, what are you waiting for? Here I am.
I'm all tied up and completely defenseless. A perfect
opportunity. Get it out! Get it all out. Kill me you
fucking coward! Get it over with. Do it! If it will make
you feel more like a man, then do it. It's what you want
anyway. I don’t care any more! Just fucking end it! End
it you son-of-a-bitch! End it! 



Good lesson here on how to avoid melodrama and OTN dialogue.

There's also a 3 page monologue right at the end, just in case the viewer didn't get the message from the first 115 pages. Nice touch.
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Skeeter
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I don't think you quite understand what melodrama is Dustin.   This scene is high octane.  she has had it and wants the abuse to be over.  she is hit over the head with a shovel and dragged out of the house in a sheet and buried in the back yard.  That is NOT melodrama.  Watch the last scene here so you can see the scene in action.  I assure you this is NOT melodrama.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHC_BBv2zlM
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eldave1
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Hey Skeeter:

I viewed the video - for me, it was okay. I did a little research on the play itself and it looks like it got a 15 day run in a NY theater back in 2011. So - kudos for getting a project that far - that is a very nice achievement.  

That being said, I'm not sure what you are looking for here. From what I have read, you believe (or at least it seems to be) film ready and you are relatively dismissive of the comments - for me they were spot on in terms of a film script. Your reaction:


Quoted Text
I'm sorry . . . I thought that this site would be more of an intelligent discussion on the script rather than ignorant comments pretending to be criticism.  When I hear words like "Cheesy" "Melodramatic"  and "Over the top" - I just can't help but think that the people criticizing on this script are a lower caliber than I expected from this site.


All I can say is - ugh!

I did read the first 20. Maybe it's fine as a play. I don't know. But if your objective is to convert this to a film, it needs a lot of work. You spend the first 18 pages with a man beating his wife as they arbitrate the issues in their relationship (that's 18 minutes of film time!) and many of the identical issues (e.g., you never respected me, etc) are repeated. You are hitting your audience over the head with it. It'll never fly in a film even if it was perfectly written (which it is not). I would break it up. Something like have the first 5 pages or so with the violence and then take us somewhere else (e.g., flashback to his time in prison, get to the court earlier, etc.).

It may be the nature of plays vs. scripts. All of the plot points and background in the play come in the form of dialogue. For a film - not so much.

Can't remember where I got this quote (from a blog somewhere) - but I saved it and I think it makes the point better then I am.


Quoted Text
Obviously there is room for great dialogue in a movie, but in most cases, a short scene is better than a long one, and the writer’s goal is to find the essence of the interaction … to distill the scene down to its core. In a play, the flavor comes in the opposite way … in the relatively leisurely exploration and unfolding of an increasingly dramatic situation.
One of the great benefits of being both playwright and screenwriter is that skills developed in one form nourish me in the other. Writing screenplays developed my narrative muscles. Writing plays taught me to value character and the eccentricities of speech.


i.e., if you want this to be a successful script - you need to distill each of your scenes down to the core.

Just as importantly - you must believe that the fact you wrote a play does not mean you wrote a compelling script.

Sincerely hope this helps.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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cloroxmartini
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Quoted from Skeeter
I'm sorry . . . I thought that this site would be more of an intelligent discussion on the script rather than ignorant comments pretending to be criticism.  When I hear words like "Cheesy" "Melodramatic"  and "Over the top" - I just can't help but think that the people criticizing on this script are a lower caliber than I expected from this site.  I'm only looking for an intelligent discussion on the script and what the script is about.   Reading comments of people who obviously have no conceptual understanding of the script or its content makes for a useless day.   There is NOTHING "Cheesy" "Melodramatic" or "Over the top" in this script.  I would like to take this criticism seriously, but, with this level of complete mis-understanding of the material, it's very difficult.  


One: any story strikes one person different than another. One person's junk is another's treasure. That holds true with writing and stories, plays and film. JyotiS loved your work, I didn't.

Two: I clarified my comments might be ignorant if you had cared to read what I wrote.

Three: I didn't use the words "Cheesy" or "Melodramatic" so I am not sure who you are referring to; previous readers before you posted here? I did use the phrase "over the top" and I stand by it. It's MY opinion.

It IS THE WRITER'S (YOUR) JOB to convey the story in a way THE READER (I) WILL UNDERSTAND and want to keep reading. I emphasis UNDERSTAND because while I may understand your story I may not like it; horror stories for example I understand but I do not like them, Sam I am. Even if I do understand I might be bored to tears and quit reading, so, keep me reading...such is your job.

Some readers will read all the way through a story and lucky for them they get to pick and choose what they wish to read and how far they will read. If a story grabs me, even though poorly written, I will read and comment at my pleasure. If something does not grab me, I won't, or very little, and my comments will be short, saying it didn't work for me. I don't get paid for this and my time is my time as with anyone else here.

I made the point of telling you I think plays are dialogue centric. I am not on a play reading site I am on a screenplay reading site. While plays show up, and I might read them (I have been banned from reading French plays), but I am a movie guy, not a play guy.

You love your work and take it seriously which you should. Your work didn't work for me, the hackneyed commentator.

Since my caliber is too low for you, take my comments for what they're worth and move on.
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Demento
Posted: February 3rd, 2016, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I read a few pages after this was posted and I have to agree with some of the posters. The dialogue came off to me as very OTN and melodramatic. So I share the sentiments others have voiced.

I didn't see any subtlety. To be subtle you have to say something by not really saying it. Or say it with saying something totally different. So people have to search for it, read into stuff. In the pages I read, everything seemed pretty straight forward and obvious. It was laid on pretty thick. I got the impression that maybe English wasn't your first language and this is why everything was so OTN.

This is just my impression of the FEW pages that I read. Five or six, if I remember correctly.

Anyway. Good luck with it. Hope you get it filmed.
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Dustin
Posted: February 4th, 2016, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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If you have truly experienced this, then go back to the time you were being beaten. Were you able to construct coherent sentences? How long did your bravado (if any) actually last?

You're alone, nobody to help you. Beaten, completely overpowered and unable to fight back because you're outweighed and have nowhere near the strength he does. What really went through your mind?

That's what you need to bring. What you've got here is bullshit.
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Skeeter
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I never said it was film ready.  The film script is not completed.  The treatment is close to complete.  There is more to the story that I couldnt tell or show on the stage.  The court scenes will be more of a montage.  As far as the length,  its not as long as you may think.  The whole play with intermission ran 1:40-45 minutes.  
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Skeeter
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AUDIENCE COMMENTS From the production at the Times Square Arts Center in New York City - 2011

*  This is a hard, ugly, disturbing play -- and that's the point. This play will haunt you!  Gold

* This event is a shocking truth. We need to be reminded of the perils of domestic abuse because it will not go away by itself. This show insures that the audience will never forget. Gold Star

* Heavy, heavy content right from the get-go.  Great acting. Gold Star

* Intense, difficult to watch but important body of work. Exceptional acting. Thought provoking. Gold Star

*  The play was very well acted with a very strong message. This play is a must see, some scenes were disturbing, but this was the intent of the play, to get the message out...Bravo! Gold Star

* It was very extreme. Very abusive. It was a real live story about what happens when people stay in abusive relationships too long. and also why they can't leave. Gold Star

* We loved the play. The acting was incredible and the actors got the point across about domestic violence. Would recommend this play to others to see. We will have to say that it is hard to watch because of the abuse because it is very intense, but it makes you appreciate what you have in your life. Gold Star

* Very moving thought provoking performance. Even though it was a minimal set with few characters it more than retained my interest. Gold Star

* Extremely sober and powerful play. I was surprised at the depth of the acting. You walk out with parts of it playing through your head.  Theater Extras

* Powerful, disturbing, very well acted, well presented... beautiful people.  Gold Star

* I loved it. Intense and extremely well acted. I highly recommend this play! I was spellbound!  Gold Star

* Great show, excellent acting. Very disturbing content, violence from beginning to end.  It gives us an insight into domestic violence occurring in one family, and all negative consequences it brings. This show has a strong message.  Gold Star

* It's a powerful view into the life of someone who has suffered domestic abuse. Gold Star

* Although the subject material is difficult to watch at times, the actors gave wonderful and compelling performances. Gold Star

* It's a powerful view into the life of someone who has suffered domestic abuse. Gold Star

*  The play was very well acted with a very strong message. This play is a must see, some scenes were disturbing, but this was the intent of the play, to get the message out...Bravo! Gold Star
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eldave1
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Okay Skeeter - I am out.  You are obviously interested in promotion rather than critique so any review efforts here are pretty much wasted. This script has problems. If you don't want to deal with them - fine, your call. I'm done.






My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Demento
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Quoted from Skeeter

AUDIENCE COMMENTS From the production at the Times Square Arts Center in New York City - 2011


Were there any negative reactions?

Just curious.
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Skeeter
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One negative reaction.  They didnt care for the violence and the language.  
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Skeeter
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Eldave1 - Thank you for getting out!  
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eldave1
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Quoted Text
Eldave1 - Thank you for getting out!  


The pleasure was all mine, dude.  Oh - The line is forming behind me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JonnyBoy
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I'd second that question, actually - are you looking for feedback, Skeeter? Or did you post it in the hope someone would film it, and so you're mainly here for promotional purposes?

Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the latter. I think it just might be useful for everyone to be clear.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Demento
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Whether or not this script has problems or not is subjective. That's up for discussion which I think at this point is obviously not going to happen here.

But, Skeeter it is difficult for anyone not to find you anything other than arrogant and hungry for praise based on your posts in this thread.

This site works on feedback. You only seem to be interested in posting in your own thread and when someone posts in it, you comment back by attacking them. That they don't understand this or that.

How is anyone suppose to interpret those positive reactions you posted other than - "all these people loved it, there's something wrong with you that you didn't like it". Why should anyone care what others thought about your work? They're here to read it and comment their opinion on it. Not to be told what strangers thought of it. Maybe the people that saw it were friends, family, people that were trying to just be polite. Maybe not. I don't know. But based on people's reaction here I have doubt.

Here no one has any interest other than telling you what they really think. They also don't have any interest in sugar-coating their advice, but to maintain a level of politeness. If you don't like or agree with what they have to say, try to engage in a polite debate voicing your arguments to persuade them to read further. To try and see their mistake. Or... just leave it be. Not comment anything.

Being defensive and adding implied insults to people won't do you any favors. You're just doing your image here harm.

I hope you get your play filmed. You seem happy with it and think it can be a success. Good luck.
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Skeeter
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OMG  I can not believe where people have taken this whole thing.  I dont see a lot of credibility in these comments.  Especially when I hear Over the top, melodrama etc.  The criticism doesnt make any sense.  People have their opinions I guess, but, whatever.   Also, this is NOT the film script.  the film script is not complete yet.  Obviously it is different.  This is the stage play.  So when I hear comments how this wont work for film,  I again have no choice to question the credibility of the person making the comments.  

I was really looking for a discussion on domestic violence itself more than I was on the play.  I posted the audience comments to show that the people who see the play live,  know it is not melodrama.  Melodrama is fake,  I dont do fake.  I do reality.  Not posted for praise.  I dont need praise or criticism to do my art.  I could care less that you like it or not.  The script tells the truth and that is what is most important to me.
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JonnyBoy
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Quoted from Skeeter
OMG  I can not believe where people have taken this whole thing.  I dont see a lot of credibility in these comments.


Sorry we've failed you, Skeeter. I work for a play publisher here in the UK, by the way, publishing works by British writers like Caryl Churchill, Jez Butterworth, Mike Bartlett, Lucy Kirkwood, Nina Raine, and also US playwrights including Bruce Norris, David Lindsay-Abaire, Larry Kramer, Tony Kushner, Christopher Shinn, Tracy Letts, Lynn Nottage, Suzan-Lori Parks... so I do understand the difference between a playscript and a screenplay. Just FYI.

SimplyScripts isn't really a political forum, it's a place to solicit and give feedback on scripts. As you're not looking for that, I won't bother reading this. But best of luck with it.



Guess who's back? Back again?
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Skeeter
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I wasn't failed.  I also don't have a problem with constructive criticism.  I just haven't read any yet.  That's the problem.  So, there is only one way to end this.  And that is to have all you critics out there that hate this script so much, to present YOUR scripts and show us all how its done.   People more often than not, will criticize what they don't understand, what they don't know and what they cannot do themselves.  So show us all how its done properly and present YOUR script.  Just end it with your presentation of your masterful work and lets all move on!  
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Angry Bear
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Quoted from Skeeter
So, there is only one way to end this.  And that is to have all you critics out there that hate this script so much, to present YOUR scripts and show us all how its done.   People more often than not, will criticize what they don't understand, what they don't know and what they cannot do themselves.  So show us all how its done properly and present YOUR script.  Just end it with your presentation of your masterful work and lets all move on!  

Most of the people that have commented here have scripts posted here already. Most of them are produced writers as well...


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My whole problem with the criticism is,  it just doesn't make any sense.  When I read words like "Cheesy"  "Over-the-top" and "melodrama" . . . I have no idea where that is coming from.  Nothing in this script is cheesy or melodramatic nor is it over the top.  its actually quite tame to real domestic violence.  So, its very difficult to take that kind of critique seriously.  It's like biting into an apple and critiquing the flavor of an orange.  It  seems to come out of nowhere.

And Dustin who had a problem with the length of the monologue at the end, obviously didn't read the monologue nor did he read all the action that takes place under the monologue.  It's a voice-over Dustin.  I made that pretty clear in the script, if you read it.   It's important dialogue as well as the action behind it.

I dont have a problem with people being critical,  if its legitimate.  Because, I am more than likely already there with ya on it.  But, I do have a problem with people who dont read the parts they are critiquing and then argue it.   I don't know how to critique something I didn't read or understand.  That's all I'm saying.    
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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I haven't read this one and have no real desire to after seeing how this thread has swung, but do you not feel that all these people (some of whom I know are damn good writers) that are criticising your work might actually have a point? You say none of it makes sense, yet a lot seem to be saying the same thing. Maybe it's you that just can't see the problems because it is your baby after all.

Also, you called them out to post their work. Do a little search, you'll find their stuff and might even be impressed.


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bert
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Okay Skeeter - I am out.



Quoted from Skeeter
Thank you for getting out!


What are you guys missing here?  Why am I still seeing post after post on this thread?  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Skeeter
Posted: February 9th, 2016, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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See, this is what I'm talking about.  People don't read it, but then comment on it.  

I do acknowledge areas that need to be worked on,  of course, you can never be satisfied with your work.  It will never be perfect.  It's just the way it is.  And I dont have a problem with discussing those areas.   Just not in the unprofessional manner in which certain people expressed on this thread.

This is a very violent play that tells the truth about domestic violence.  So, by calling this play melodrama and cheesy is an insult to those who have gone through domestic violence.  Maybe its too heavy for people, I dont know.  But, the over two hundred women who have been through DV and have read it, all say the same thing.  It is too close to home.  Which tells me I told the story correctly.  Their critique is much more important to me than what I have read here.   They know more about it than all of us.

Also, This is NOT a film script.  Whoever made that comment, as the accomplished writer they claim to be, should have been able to tell the difference between a stage play and a film script.
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Demento
Posted: February 9th, 2016, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Skeeter
So, by calling this play melodrama and cheesy is an insult to those who have gone through domestic violence.


If someone calls YOUR play melodramatic, that has nothing to do with people who have gone through domestic violence. That's just a criticism of the portrayal of domestic violence in your play. That it's exaggerated. It has nothing to do with people that have gone through it.
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 23rd, 2016, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Skeeter
I want to have ... a discussion about domestic violence


If you want to have a discussion, you still have to do more than post the script without comment. You need to start a discussion. Your script is too long and overwritten to engage people's talkey bones.


Quoted Text
But, the over two hundred women who have been through DV and have read it, all say the same thing.  It is too close to home.  Which tells me I told the story correctly.  Their critique is much more important to me than what I have read here.


As a domestic violence victim, your script sucks and from what I saw of your youtube video, so did your play. Sorry. It is overwritten, underthought and exploitative.


Quoted Text
AUDIENCE COMMENTS From the production at the Times Square Arts Center in New York City - 2011


Yeah, put yourself in an audience members shoes. If someone approaches you imemdietely after the play - I assume the director - asking for feedback, even if you were the kind of persn with no filter, how do you even articulate it? Those people were being polite or were in shock. Plenty of plays have several-day runs. I've known actors who worked on plays - the plays still sucked.

Sorry, Skeezer.


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