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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Would you read past the first page? Moderators: George Willson
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  Author    Would you read past the first page?  (currently 3471 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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I can believe spies, but not assassins. They're not the same thing.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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He specifically said assassins.

The dowdy waitress who slips poison into your tea or the cleaning maid who laces your toothbrush.

The Mexicans and Columbians are particularly keen on using women in their drug battles at the moment.

There's a film being made about one of them actually:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/i-fell-in-love-with-a-female-assassin-791978.html
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed both the pages.
I preferred the first one, I was hooked more.
Unsure of my surroundings, looking for clues, peering over my shoulder.

The second one was very visual and engaged me well.
But, I wasn't asking questions about the environment.
The script was telegraphing that, so not much thinking for me to do.

Don't care how something looks, I'll read anything for a paragraph or two.
But you better intrigue me in a hurry if you want me to continue.
There's only so much novelistic prose I'll put up with on a spec.

But, if I know it's an assignment, I'll give more leeway.
Especially, if I'm expected to have an opinion on it.

E.D.


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ajr
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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I would have stopped reading the first one because it's blocky, and I agree with Bert that it was somewhat superfluous.

The second one is spaced properly and is a great blend of descriptive and staccato narrative - I kept reading until the end.

It's all about finding your voice and grabbing the reader and less about hard and fast rules...

Oh, and if Emmanuelle Chriqui is ever an assassin bent on tracking me? Then color me dead...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Heretic
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Both are well written for the type of film I imagine coming out of them.  Both immediately establish an atmosphere, immediately establish a style, and introduce a number of questions.  I think they're both quite strong.  

In regards to content the second one sounds like a film that's a load of bullshit to me.  Very few films can justify a rape anywhere in the storyline, fewer still in the first scene (Naked is one of the best films ever made...), and fewer still in combination with murder.  All that the content of the second one succeeds in doing for me is convincing me that the writer isn't talented enough to elicit response without excess.

But, like the other writer, he's good and he's written the page exactly the way it should be written, in my opinion.  I'd keep reading both, spec or not.  The second would have to work hard to keep me going after that opening, though.
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leitskev
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Had to google her, Anthony, but good call. Definitely killer!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I read a lot of books and scripts. To be honest, if the story is good, I often don't even notice if I'm reading a book or script. In other words, to me, I guess content is king.


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rc1107
Posted: November 8th, 2011, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from scar tissue
I can see that the Magyar is confusing...but they are a specific ethnic group in Hungary.


Lol.  Guess I'm not as smart as I thought.  When I read it, I assumed that the Magyar was the type of car that was accelerating beside Prideaux.  I think I got lost somewhere in the descriptions.


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ajr
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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I guess I'm even less smart than you Mark - I thought the Magyar were the little creatures from the movie "Gremlins"...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Haven't read the responses here, but yes, I would. (Qualify that with: On a good day.)  

I know from previous experience that I've read some fine scripts with big blocks of text. They can be a turn off, but the script can be gone over quite quickly, inside, to determine if it's of any quality.

I've just read the first paragraph and I thought it was good.

Having said that though, it doesn't mean people should be plastering their script in black like this. If the writer's specific task at hand is to weight details in a time frame, then of course it makes sense to some extent, but if it's just wordiness, that's another story altogether.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Eoin
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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No, I probably wouldn't. If the logline had something that stood out, I might give it a ten page cut off point. This script is based on a published novel, which means it is a project that has already been green lit. The style of this is 'epic'.

If this started from a pure spec script perspective, content aside, it would have a much tougher time getting into the right hands. Alot of the description in those blocks is redundant.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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I preferred to read the second one much more.

The first one, T.T.S.S., just annoys me. That style of writing. I don't care about big blocks of text too much but I hate when it feels like the script is talking to me. I want information. Facts. You know, I read it and think, "That would probably look good on film. Why is it trying to read like one?" It's got almost everything I hate about reading a script.

That said, I can appreciate the content of a script. It sounds like it's building to something good. If I were a professional reader, I would force myself through it, just to see if it's as good as the set-up makes it out to be. But, I wouldn't be the least bit happy about reading that style of script.

As for the second one, I hate the opening slugline. Information like that, I believe, should be reserved for the prose. I'm not a huge fan of capitalized words, but it's still a common practice and I won't stop reading because of it. The script also feels like it's talking to me, but nearly as much. This style of script is one I can appreciate much more. For the most part, it gives the facts of the story without all the unnecessary details that clutter other types of scripts.

I prefer scripts to be as bare bones as possible. If there's info that needs to be said, say it. Otherwise, move onto the next scene.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I find myself scrolling through here and what catches me is the logline. If the logline isn't good or doesn't sound good, I usually don't even read the first page ....Then if I do open the script after reading the logling, if the first two or three descripts of the setting don't seem appealing, I lose interest. For  learning sake, since I'm new to all of this, I've been pushing through and trying to read at least half way through before I give up.

After just a month...I find myself, looking at logline first, then page count..I guess I'm lazy. But when I'm reading, the chunky descripts don't bother me so much if they make me visualize something very well...and IF the story is good, I tend to not even catch most of the grammar and typos that I'd normally catch.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 9th, 2011, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Thanks for this. I think this is a good debate, even if you have been through all this before.

I have waited to hear the wisdom of more experienced readers, before adding my bit, but this has helped me confirm my opinion.

From what I know, if this came from a writer called Bill Sarre (me), I doubt it would be read. I don't mind that, it's the world we live in. If I were to submit the same words, exactly, at least I would have to space it out. Add more white paper, so to speak.

I don't mind all that because the reality with most industries is that you are either on the inside, or not, and if not then you have to break through. This industry, whilst new to me, seems particularly tough, which must be hard on those wanting a career, or recognition.

But maybe, rather than being angry that a non standard spec script format could be produced like this, we should be thankful that there are occasions when the detail doesn't stop someone writing a decent script, as they want to, and showing the world it's not all about the format ( I now duck for cover).

Food for thought.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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darrentomalin
Posted: November 19th, 2011, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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As someone with limited experience, this is an eye opener.
A movie that is action heavy is going to have a first page looking like that. It's the word craft within the first page that those "in the know" will no doubt pick up on so that only the absolute best stories get picked up...


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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