It's a very quick read.

First thoughts: Not a huge fan of the narration, namely because there's way too much exposition to get where you want us to be. Then, there far too much jumping in time, it's uncomfortable and unsettling, especially when we haven't yet been orientated in this new film world.

Less is more here.

Another piece of confusion, is the different mash up of genres. We have a post apocalyptic world, that fights for oil, with medivial weapons? Then there's a robotic bear?

Overall, while the writing is competent and assured, I think you need to concentrate on the core story and give us just one to two things max in the opening and let the rest unfold as the story does.

Eoin

Hey Chazz,

You might want to reconsider the opener...
Just give the reader enough so your characters have basic context.
Then let the story those characters experience fill in the rest of the history.
As their personal story unfolds, your world impacts that.
That's the time to get some of those details in your current opener out there.
The reader is more invested in that way IMO...
Since they would now have the context and know how it affects the characters.
My two cents. *plink*

Regards,
E.D.

Chazz, found a film you might be interested in.

Called Hogfather. It's a fantasy. In the opening, the first 3 minutes are dedicated to setting up the world. Patrick Stewart is a narrator who does the intro. It doesn't actually explain much about the specifics of the world, but it does use 3 min, then jumps into the story. I would say that to go longer than that is risky. Also, I would guess that in this film, the 3 minutes translates into much less than 3 pages of script. But, it could also go the other way in an intro like this if there are morre images to describe. There aren't that many in this instance. The film is on Netflix.

Here is the newly re-written 1st act.  I cut the intro down to 1.5 pages.  No Voice Over.  And it plays into the story completely now.

Love to hear thoughts...

The Deliverer FIRST 22


By the way, thanks for those of you who have posted thoughts.  It has helped me greatly in trying to figure out how to frame this epic story.

Chazz

Very tricky! Replaced the VO with a priest explaining things. You're thinking!

Chazz, I did not read the first draft, just this one, so I'm not comparing. Just a few thoughts based on the first 2 pages, though my thoughts have not interested you previously, so probably should not bother.

Let's begin with the character description. You need to be a little more creative than  "short, squat and pudgy". It sounds amateur. No problem, we all start out with descriptions like that, but especially in your early pages, you want to reach down and find a description which tells the reader you're a writer. Now, don't go crazy. You can't make a novelistic description. But flex some writing muscles.

Also, you want to give us some visuals that are a) interesting, and b) give us some clue about this world. Is it another planet? Another time on our own? An alt reality? And are the interesting ways to show that. Here, all we know is a guy is on a wagon addressing a crowd. Is this ancient Rome? How are people dressed?

Also, you want to avoid expressions like "separation of church and state". That's a modern expression, and by that I mean from the last few centuries. If this is another world, you don't want anything that smacks of our own.

If you are going to replace the VO with a speech to a crowd, you have to make sure the speaker is not saying things the crowd already knows, because it's clearly just for the audience's benefit.

"nation of Zudah" It's a kingdom. Nation sounds too modern.

'for nine years he led you well..but look at what it's brought you!"  contradiction. Led well, but brought disaster? The priest sounds like David Axelrod.

The timing is off. Did the king banish the priests on his first day? Otherwise the nine years should be 9 years since the king banished the priests, but longer for his actual rule.

Why would the people believe he is who he is? Why would they believe and accept so readily that he has a message of God? To convert these people, either his speech should be much, much more powerful, or he should be aided by some magic or trick. Even Jesus had miracles.

I hope things I've said do not discourage. Keep writing, you will improve fast enough if you do. It takes time. Persevere. The writing here is not poor, it's just evidence of a relatively new writer. Best of luck.

Hey Leit,

Your advice has been taken - I took 8 pages of V.O. with action visualizing what's being spoken (kinda the "300" model) down to a 1.5 page speech that ties directly in with the rest of the story.  

I agree with most of what you've said and will apply.  

I should point out that I'm not a newbie.  I wrote short, squat, pudgy on purpose.  In feedback from producers I've been told specifically to keep things short, sweet and open to whatever actor might want the role.  I agree with you to a certain extent, and in fact spent more time on some of the more major characters later in the script.

Hopefully that doesn't come out as defensive.  It isn't meant to be.  Just passing on things I've been told by actual producers.

Otherwise, great thoughts.

Chazz

Cheers, Chazz

Not defensive, and I don't mind defensive anyway. That's how we all learn.

I would say the "short, squat, pudgy" description could be an example of taking advice too far. For one thing, not every actor is short, squat, and pudgy. So that's not a reason for writing that way.

I think the idea is to get that right balance of description where it's not too long or too generic. This is very generic because it's like you're just picking some physical characteristics. The next guy will be tall and lanky, and so on. Look, I've done the same thing, so I'm not throwing stones. In these early pages, there a lot of things you want to do. But one of the huge things is you want to give the reader the impression he is in professional hands, the hands of a writer. It gives you credibility which will keep him reading, hopefully at least til the end of first act.

--SHEM, 60s, pulls himself onto the back of the wagon with great difficulty,
stands eye to eye with the hostile crowd. Penetrating gray eyes stare out
from a mass of white hair, his face and head untrimmed for years.

Just an idea, many here could do better for you.

I am of mixed mind about VO, but I would not completely abandon the idea. It might be necessary in a story like this. My hesitation was based on the fact that few writers tend to get the VO right.

And if this IS another world, grab the readers interest with a few visual opening images. Ideally, these images could show something about the world. In one of my scripts, I have a temple in the opening images, and on it are a couple of carved expressions that give us a clue about that world. You might have a statue of the king. You might have contrasts. For example, you have the wealthy capital city of spiraling towers, and the poverty stricken town outside the gates.

Chazz,

You start out with the slug "EXT. FIELD - DAY" and then later when Dewi leaves his house, the slug is, "EXT. FIELD - DAY".  Is this the same location?  If they're different locations, then they need different slugs.

You misspelled boulder, on page 5.

I tend to sort out the technical errors of a script before I really get into it and comment on the story.

So far though, the script is too expositional and the dialogue doesn't seem natural.

You say that, "Shem's voice trembles as he speaks quietly.", yet you have exclamation marks in his dialogue.  

The Man says, "We will follow you to the end, Shem!  Damn this King of the Sun! Damn this Janez! We want your man! We want our deliverer!"

People don't speak like that.

This sounds more natural to me:

"We'll follow you to the end, Shem!  Damn the King of the Sun!  Damn Janez!  We want your man!  Give us the Deliverer!"

I'd spread the comments among the crowd though, and have them end with chanting, "Deliverer!"

Then when you cut to Dewi, you wouldn't need to Super "Deliverer", it would be implied that he's the Deliverer by the chanting.

Jordan

Hey, Chazz

I would say that the story world and context is important in any story, but maybe not anymore than in a sci-fi. Is it at all possible to develop the story in such a way that you can explain in bits and pieces how the current world came to be in the state that it's in rather than rushing through it?

I know the Godfather has long intros where you meet the characters. It's on one setting. Different genre, but a "slow" beginning and I use that loosely cause a lot was established in the Godfather intros can work.

Jus read some of the other comments and I see you something up so I'll give it a look and get back to you.

BLB