Okay, so I'm writing my first futuristic film and in it I am creating this whole new world.  I've been planning and researching and outlining for about 3 months and I'm finally starting to write.

The intro that tells us about this world is 8 pages long.  This is before we are introduced (well, in any meaningful way) to the main characters, before the actual story starts...but I'm attempting to jam almost 300 years of history that make the world what it is in the script's present day.

So...here's the deal -

These 8 pages of exposition happen with all kinds of action visually going on, explaining a nuclear apocalypse, where nations rose up, how these nations lived once they started over, etc.  It takes the viewer from 2097 (Day Zero, as they call it) all the way to 2369 and lands in the present, with one of our main characters telling us this history (his telling the history has story significance, btw - i.e., he specifically is doing it for a story reason).

This is the intro.

Then Act One starts.  And the inciting event happens at p. 20, or p. 12 of ACT 1.

Now,  old school scriptwriting advise was to get to the inciting event by page 20.  Now-a-days, most advise says 12, if you can, 15 at the latest.  

So...my question to you guys is this: is it okay to have an exposition-rich intro before starting Act One, and force your inciting event to later than you usually try to put it?

Chazz

Chazz, I would strongly advise against this approach. You need to get to the story as quick as possible. It just won't work to have 8 pages of world building intro without the central characters. Especially in a spec script, but really not any any script. You need to limit this world building aspect to a page, less if possible. Better is to intro your world with the characters and the story.

That's where you have to challenge yourself as a screenwriter; how to introduce these things within the context of the story.

Keep in mind that one method often used as VO. A word of caution, though. If this is early work for you, avoid the VO. Every VO I've ever read in a pre-pro script is awful. It takes a while to be able to master that level of dialogue. I tried this myself in a script last year, and I deleted it. I found other ways to do it.

You can also try the long title scene at the beginning, like Star Wars. I don't like that approach. Audiences don't come to read.

Use the opening image to capture and intrigue us. Establish the tone. Then establish the rules of this world slowly through the first act, preferably in scenes with your main characters. If all else fails, use the VO, but try first to do without. Best if luck!

Hey Chazz,

Although this doesn't sound like a very exciting way to start the movie, whatever is best for you story is best for your story.  I don't know why people think we must stick so rigidly to structure.  Doesn't that just make your movie more predictable?  "Oh, here comes the raising of the stakes?"

Structure bends.  It changes.  You can get rid of it all, if you like.  Put your inciting incident wherever you want.  I like a read that keeps me guessing.

Gage

Asteroid, I did not even address structure. All I am saying is having an 8 page world building expository scene won't work. Or is very unlikely to and not a good approach. Where he puts his inciting incident is a separate issue. But to go 8 minutes of film where we don't meet any of the central characters...has that ever happened before in film? I'm sure it has somewhere. But it's a very unproductive approach.

Let's look at Star Wars as an example. It does take us quite a long time to meet the protagonist. However, we meet the antagonist right away, the stakes are established(save the rebellion) and the future goal of the protag is set up(rescue the princess).

I offered an opinion. Use it, or say no thanks. I know he's come on and checked it out. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, so he didn't reply. No biggie. Just trying to help. Good luck.

Somewhat agree with you, Kevin but I really wouldn't go as far as saying it's not going to work. I've seen this approach in many movies, although most of them were written by the director but it still worked.

The two that come to mind are Magnolia and District 9.

The beginning of Magnolia really didn't mean anything until the last moments of the film. It had none of the main characters introduced but it was stating a point that was very, very important to the story.

In District 9, the first thing you see is Wikus telling us about himself and the MNU and for the next 20 minutes, we see the world building up as the story progresses. It has to be one of the best openings I've ever seen because it got so much done and it just hooked me into the story. If you were to try it, I'd suggest this would work best.

I tried doing your approach for my 7WC script Chazz, some people liked the intro, others didn't. If you really feel that that's the only way to do it, then no problem but be very careful.

Quoted from leitskev Asteroid, I did not even address structure. All I am saying is having an 8 page world building expository scene won't work. Or is very unlikely to and not a good approach. Where he puts his inciting incident is a separate issue. But to go 8 minutes of film where we don't meet any of the central characters...has that ever happened before in film? I'm sure it has somewhere. But it's a very unproductive approach. Let's look at Star Wars as an example. It does take us quite a long time to meet the protagonist. However, we meet the antagonist right away, the stakes are established(save the rebellion) and the future goal of the protag is set up(rescue the princess). I offered an opinion. Use it, or say no thanks. I know he's come on and checked it out. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, so he didn't reply. No biggie. Just trying to help. Good luck.

Hey leit,

My post was in no way a rebuttal to yours.  I was just offering my own opinion.  Sorry if I didn't get that across clearly enough.

Gage

Leit is right. Pick any space movie (the good ones, anyway) you want and then see the opening scene, it's a fucking space ship and we cut to the inside and meet characters. Or maybe we see space and some planet and then we meet characters. The planet will be orange, or what ever, but not our blue marble, so we, the audience, know it's not earth. When we cut from the orange planet to characters on said planet, we know we're in some other world. We don't use up eight pages showing that. We use one paragraph of writing. Leave the rest for the art director. Get to your characters and story as fast as you can.

If you take eight pages to get to your story, your story is going to suck because you don't know what your story is about. How much time did Lucas (the king of other worlds) spend describing his planets? Hoth? Tatooine? Degoba? Coruscant? Endor? Not a thing until his characters showed up and were chasing or were being chased.

EXT. SPACE - UH, SPACE, SO NOT NIGHT OR DAY

BIG HAIRY SPACE SHIP cruises, beat up.

INT. BIG HAIRY SPACE SHIP - UH, STILL NOT DAY OR NIGHT

CHARACTERS argue about how they just got beat up and who is to blame. HOT CHICK flips HOT GUY the bird.

or

EXT. SPACE......

GIANT RED PLANET

EXT. GIANT RED PLANET - NOW YOU CAN USE DAY OR NIGHT

CHARACTERS IN SPACE SUITS (OR WITH WEIRD AIR LUNGS BELOW GIANT BREASTS) argue about how they just got beat up and who is to blame. HOT CHICK flips HOT GUY the bird.

Quoted from ChazzChristopher ...jam almost 300 years of history that make the world what it is in the script's present day.Chazz

Take a stopwatch to the first Transformers movie and clock how long Optimus Prime tells the story of Cybertron.

It's ok, Gage. I actually am a big believer in flexibility and creativity when it comes to structure. But 8 minutes of world building exposition is a fatal mistake.

He can also use a series of shots to establish some aspects of his world. For example, if his world is a hedonistic vacation planet, he can show orgies and the like. If it's a hedonistic paradise built on the backs of slaves, he can mix the images. It doesn't take 8 pages.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Take a stopwatch to the first Transformers movie and clock how long Optimus Prime tells the story of Cybertron.

That was going to be my advice  

I'm in agreement with others, here. Stay away from an 8-page intro. There's long, and then there's that.

Maybe you could use a series of shots to introduce it, if you want to cram that much history into a short space of time? Just very short, yet effective images at the start? I don't know, just a suggestion. I see Kev has suggested this as well and I think that way could be quite a good path to take.

Daniel

It's hard to judge without reading the first act.

It may be great. It may suck. Talking about it isn't going to help.

Email me the first act if you want a read.

Hello Chazz,

Look at any post apocalypse or future based film, the 'world' is never explained, it's simply shown. The reason the keep reading or watching is that we want to see and read more. Exposition or narration of any kind should be avoided, especially 8 minutes of it. Take us from zero day (would try and use another name sounds too much like judgement day from terminator) to post apocalypse if you wish in the first few minutes or just open straight into your new world. Look at the opening of The Matrix. No explaining there.

Hey guys,

Here is the first 22 pages of the script.  If you don't mind reading the first 8-10 (or all of it) just to see if the direction I'm going is bad.

Thanks for the time.

I can definitely return the favor on a page for page basis for anyone who reads...just let me know where I can find your script.

Thanks!
Chazz

P.S.: please note this a rough, rough, rough first draft...at this point I'm seeking comments on content more than typos and such.  I realize that there are things that will change between this and when I am finished with the polished first draft!  Thanks!

The Deliverer FIRST 22

Chazz, I would love to read this. Unfortunately, my computer like to not load certain links and this seems to be one of them. Is there an alternative?

Cheers,
Daniel

Quoted from danbotha Is there an alternative? Cheers, Daniel

http://www.scribd.com/doc/101113958/The-Deliverer-FIRST-22

Try that.

Thanks,
Chazz

It's a very quick read.

First thoughts: Not a huge fan of the narration, namely because there's way too much exposition to get where you want us to be. Then, there far too much jumping in time, it's uncomfortable and unsettling, especially when we haven't yet been orientated in this new film world.

Less is more here.

Another piece of confusion, is the different mash up of genres. We have a post apocalyptic world, that fights for oil, with medivial weapons? Then there's a robotic bear?

Overall, while the writing is competent and assured, I think you need to concentrate on the core story and give us just one to two things max in the opening and let the rest unfold as the story does.

Eoin

Hey Chazz,

You might want to reconsider the opener...
Just give the reader enough so your characters have basic context.
Then let the story those characters experience fill in the rest of the history.
As their personal story unfolds, your world impacts that.
That's the time to get some of those details in your current opener out there.
The reader is more invested in that way IMO...
Since they would now have the context and know how it affects the characters.
My two cents. *plink*

Regards,
E.D.

Chazz, found a film you might be interested in.

Called Hogfather. It's a fantasy. In the opening, the first 3 minutes are dedicated to setting up the world. Patrick Stewart is a narrator who does the intro. It doesn't actually explain much about the specifics of the world, but it does use 3 min, then jumps into the story. I would say that to go longer than that is risky. Also, I would guess that in this film, the 3 minutes translates into much less than 3 pages of script. But, it could also go the other way in an intro like this if there are morre images to describe. There aren't that many in this instance. The film is on Netflix.

Here is the newly re-written 1st act.  I cut the intro down to 1.5 pages.  No Voice Over.  And it plays into the story completely now.

Love to hear thoughts...

The Deliverer FIRST 22


By the way, thanks for those of you who have posted thoughts.  It has helped me greatly in trying to figure out how to frame this epic story.

Chazz

Very tricky! Replaced the VO with a priest explaining things. You're thinking!

Chazz, I did not read the first draft, just this one, so I'm not comparing. Just a few thoughts based on the first 2 pages, though my thoughts have not interested you previously, so probably should not bother.

Let's begin with the character description. You need to be a little more creative than  "short, squat and pudgy". It sounds amateur. No problem, we all start out with descriptions like that, but especially in your early pages, you want to reach down and find a description which tells the reader you're a writer. Now, don't go crazy. You can't make a novelistic description. But flex some writing muscles.

Also, you want to give us some visuals that are a) interesting, and b) give us some clue about this world. Is it another planet? Another time on our own? An alt reality? And are the interesting ways to show that. Here, all we know is a guy is on a wagon addressing a crowd. Is this ancient Rome? How are people dressed?

Also, you want to avoid expressions like "separation of church and state". That's a modern expression, and by that I mean from the last few centuries. If this is another world, you don't want anything that smacks of our own.

If you are going to replace the VO with a speech to a crowd, you have to make sure the speaker is not saying things the crowd already knows, because it's clearly just for the audience's benefit.

"nation of Zudah" It's a kingdom. Nation sounds too modern.

'for nine years he led you well..but look at what it's brought you!"  contradiction. Led well, but brought disaster? The priest sounds like David Axelrod.

The timing is off. Did the king banish the priests on his first day? Otherwise the nine years should be 9 years since the king banished the priests, but longer for his actual rule.

Why would the people believe he is who he is? Why would they believe and accept so readily that he has a message of God? To convert these people, either his speech should be much, much more powerful, or he should be aided by some magic or trick. Even Jesus had miracles.

I hope things I've said do not discourage. Keep writing, you will improve fast enough if you do. It takes time. Persevere. The writing here is not poor, it's just evidence of a relatively new writer. Best of luck.

Hey Leit,

Your advice has been taken - I took 8 pages of V.O. with action visualizing what's being spoken (kinda the "300" model) down to a 1.5 page speech that ties directly in with the rest of the story.  

I agree with most of what you've said and will apply.  

I should point out that I'm not a newbie.  I wrote short, squat, pudgy on purpose.  In feedback from producers I've been told specifically to keep things short, sweet and open to whatever actor might want the role.  I agree with you to a certain extent, and in fact spent more time on some of the more major characters later in the script.

Hopefully that doesn't come out as defensive.  It isn't meant to be.  Just passing on things I've been told by actual producers.

Otherwise, great thoughts.

Chazz

Cheers, Chazz

Not defensive, and I don't mind defensive anyway. That's how we all learn.

I would say the "short, squat, pudgy" description could be an example of taking advice too far. For one thing, not every actor is short, squat, and pudgy. So that's not a reason for writing that way.

I think the idea is to get that right balance of description where it's not too long or too generic. This is very generic because it's like you're just picking some physical characteristics. The next guy will be tall and lanky, and so on. Look, I've done the same thing, so I'm not throwing stones. In these early pages, there a lot of things you want to do. But one of the huge things is you want to give the reader the impression he is in professional hands, the hands of a writer. It gives you credibility which will keep him reading, hopefully at least til the end of first act.

--SHEM, 60s, pulls himself onto the back of the wagon with great difficulty,
stands eye to eye with the hostile crowd. Penetrating gray eyes stare out
from a mass of white hair, his face and head untrimmed for years.

Just an idea, many here could do better for you.

I am of mixed mind about VO, but I would not completely abandon the idea. It might be necessary in a story like this. My hesitation was based on the fact that few writers tend to get the VO right.

And if this IS another world, grab the readers interest with a few visual opening images. Ideally, these images could show something about the world. In one of my scripts, I have a temple in the opening images, and on it are a couple of carved expressions that give us a clue about that world. You might have a statue of the king. You might have contrasts. For example, you have the wealthy capital city of spiraling towers, and the poverty stricken town outside the gates.

Chazz,

You start out with the slug "EXT. FIELD - DAY" and then later when Dewi leaves his house, the slug is, "EXT. FIELD - DAY".  Is this the same location?  If they're different locations, then they need different slugs.

You misspelled boulder, on page 5.

I tend to sort out the technical errors of a script before I really get into it and comment on the story.

So far though, the script is too expositional and the dialogue doesn't seem natural.

You say that, "Shem's voice trembles as he speaks quietly.", yet you have exclamation marks in his dialogue.  

The Man says, "We will follow you to the end, Shem!  Damn this King of the Sun! Damn this Janez! We want your man! We want our deliverer!"

People don't speak like that.

This sounds more natural to me:

"We'll follow you to the end, Shem!  Damn the King of the Sun!  Damn Janez!  We want your man!  Give us the Deliverer!"

I'd spread the comments among the crowd though, and have them end with chanting, "Deliverer!"

Then when you cut to Dewi, you wouldn't need to Super "Deliverer", it would be implied that he's the Deliverer by the chanting.

Jordan

Hey, Chazz

I would say that the story world and context is important in any story, but maybe not anymore than in a sci-fi. Is it at all possible to develop the story in such a way that you can explain in bits and pieces how the current world came to be in the state that it's in rather than rushing through it?

I know the Godfather has long intros where you meet the characters. It's on one setting. Different genre, but a "slow" beginning and I use that loosely cause a lot was established in the Godfather intros can work.

Jus read some of the other comments and I see you something up so I'll give it a look and get back to you.

BLB