Show, don't tell.

How many times have we heard that phrase?  How many times have we told that to others?  Yet, when it comes to our own stuff, how many times do we fail?

What exactly does that mean?  Does anyone have some good examples of both good and bad variations of the action parts of the scripts?

Lets use mine as a guinea pig.  Here is an example that someone quoted me as being told, not shown:


Elf looks at the cauterized stumps that used to be his
hands. Elf blacks out.
Minotaur and Dwarf are both stunned. Both Minotaur and
Dwarf’s faces widen with panic. THEIR MEN
THEY FORGOT ABOUT THEIR MEN!
Minotaur and Dwarf are both impaled by Eran and Rulak,
killing both instantly.

That used to be, are both stunned, are both impaled, killing both instantly - it's all passive writing. You need to 'show' this action as it happens.

How would one write this so that it's active and not passive?  Is there a good site that explain, in depth, differences between the 2?  I doubt that I'm the only one when it comes down to their own action scenes.  Lets face it, action scenes are vital to any script.  And since we are all in the same boat, they need to be right.

I'd be willing to entertain others' questions with action scenes too.  Why don't we all list some action scenes that have been giving us trouble and see if we can all help each other out.

Thanks for reading
Dan

http://screenplaywritenow.com/write-screenplay-show-dont-tell/

What you have now reads as a laundry list of actions. There isn't much narrative and the part in caps is not only telling but also unfilmable as in there's no way you could film what you have written and described.

There's no right way to rewrite your example but this is how I would tackle it. I'm guessing the names of your characters are Elf, Dwarf, and Minotaur. An office comedy I presume?


Fire like napalm spews from the dragon's mouth to engulf Elf's hands. Unsuccessfully he kneels to pick up his bow and arrow with the blackened cauterized stumps where his hands used to be. In agony Elf stumbles to his feet but collapses, in shock, before a stunned Dwarf and Minotaur.  

The dragon swoops overhead to scorch the assembled dwarf army across the river. The SCREAMS of panic fill the  air.  Dwarf and Minotaur look on in wide eyed horror. Sword blades push through their chest's. They fall down dead to reveal Eran and Rulak behind them, wide eyed grins from ear to ear.


I tried to include a bit more description and reason for your actions. You can see Elf's pain, not just in loosing his hands but in trying heroically (I hope he's heroic) to keep fighting on. We see the reasons for Dwarf and Minotaur's panic. Their buddy has been mangled, their allies are being roasted. It's a movie. A visual medium so don't be afraid to include shots of what is happening. Instead of them saying, "Gee, I wonder how our men are doing." show them getting slaughtered. Let them hear it or watch from afar. Give them a reason to panic onscreen the audience can sympathize with. Then quickly change their expression from panic to pain as they are backstabbed from behind.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVFi6Pb4Guw

Action scenes can be hard. When I wrote my script I watched and read the sewer fight between Batman and Bane in TDKR over and over. First of all it's a viscous fight, second I'm a big fan of Nolan and his films. The way he writes is so concise and to the point. But the fight isn't just two big guys trading punches. He advances his story through the action. Bane just destroys Batman in the scene. Bane gets hit again and again to no effect. Doesn't even bother blocking, then levels Batman with a single punch. Taunts him through it all. Batman is old, washed up, out of his league, desperate, maybe even scarred. Instead of simply writing "Batman looks on scarred." Nolan shows him growing more worried as the fight goes on through his actions.

That's showing as opposed to telling.

I'm not much of an expert. But I'll give this a stab.

As a general rule, review your script for all words that end in "ing". Rewrite them so that they don't. For example:

Eldave is typing a post - should be - Eldave types a post.

The words "is" and "are" can also be dead give aways in many instances. Look at wherever you see "is" or "area" nd see if the sentence is in a passive voice. The reason being is that technically speaking - to write in active voice it should always be Subject - Verb not Verb -subject. For example:

"Eldave (subject) types (verb) a post" is in active voice. A post is typed by Dave is in passive voice.

Here is a good link on that.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/active-voice-versus-passive-voice

The only show versus tell issue I see in the example you posted was THEIR MEN
THEY FORGOT ABOUT THEIR MEN!

IMO, that needs to be dialogue (i.e., in order to show their thoughts). Here is how I would re-write what you have:

Elf looks at the cauterized stumps that used to be his hands - blacks out and falls to the ground.

DWARF
He blacked out!

MINOTAUR
Our men. We forgot about our men.

In unison, Eran and Rulak hurl spears. They impale Minotaur and Dwarf in the center of their chests. They die before they hit the ground.

I'll let others weigh in on this first cause I've said a lot so far already.

Just want to say the aside (un-filmable) you have in there Dan, I quite like, so I'd leave it in.

THEIR MEN
THEY (THEY'VE FORGOTTEN - perhaps?) FORGOT ABOUT THEIR MEN!

There's a place for asides as long as you don't go overboard. But, Dave thinks it should be in dialogue. This is the thing with forums - diverse opinions.

I do query whether those 'cauterized stumps' of Elf's are in fact bloodied/bloody stumps - this has just happened, right? So there wouldn't have been time to cauterize yet? And the bloody stumps would be a much more evocative and gory image - and the thing that causes him to keel over.

Quoted from LC IHEIR MEN THEY (THEY'VE FORGOTTEN - perhaps?) FORGOT ABOUT THEIR MEN! There's a place for asides as long as you don't go overboard. But, Dave thinks it should be in dialogue. This is the thing with forums - diverse opinions.

I think it could be dialogue.

Generally, I actually lean less to the technical side and more to the side of - did I get what the writer wanted me to get. So, in an abstract, I agree with you on asides. Dialogue was just one way to show it. I think he could do it with action as well (e.g., they look towards the battlefield they had just left. Their faces fill with panic - THEY LEFT THEIR MEN! Or, if he hasn't over done the asides in the script - what he had.

Quoted from eldave1 I think it could be dialogue. Generally, I actually lean less to the technical side and more to the side of - did I get what the writer wanted me to get. So, in an abstract, I agree with you on asides. Dialogue was just one way to show it. I think he could do it with action as well (e.g., they look towards the battlefield they had just left. Their faces fill with panic - THEY LEFT THEIR MEN! Or, if he hasn't over done the asides in the script - what he had.

I agree. It can be done either way. The thing with developing your own voice in script writing but still adhering to the so called 'rules' especially when you're not a pro and writing a spec, is that sometimes done to an exact formula a script can read dull and lifeless, so I just wanted to let Dan know that creativity and colour is still encouraged.

That link you've provided isn't working Cameron, at least for me anyways.

As for

Quoted Text Elf looks at the cauterized stumps that used to be his hands. Elf blacks out. Minotaur and Dwarf are both stunned. Both Minotaur and Dwarf’s faces widen with panic. THEIR MEN THEY FORGOT ABOUT THEIR MEN! Minotaur and Dwarf are both impaled by Eran and Rulak, killing both instantly.

IMO it's too much like point form, it doesn't read smooth and all the big action lines are written with no colour.

I don't know what exactly is going on in your script at this point so I'll create one with no dialogue...

Scene - A wife discovers her husbands has been cheating, creating a shouting match that eventually turns into a fight.

(Mark snaps and lunges at Sarah, pinning her against the counter, Sarah beats on him.

she gives that up and chomps down on his nose. In pain Mark pulls on Sarah's hair yanking her teeth off his nose and slams her head into the cupboards.

Mark grins. Sarah, barely conscious, knees him in the nuts and runs off.)

The above is very plain, not engaging, and certainly not active.


Adding more...


Mark's vein begin to puff out as his face gets redder, when suddenly --

He charges at Sarah, she tries to move out of the way but he is too quick. His body slams hard into hers pinning it up against the counter.

With cries of pain and fear she begins wailing away on Mark to no effect. In a last ditch effort she clamps her teeth onto Mark's nose and bites down hard. Blood soon starts to pour out from around her teeth.

Mark screams in agony and tries to pry her off, but her grip is too strong. His skin starts to tear off as more blood rushes down his face.

His hands find Sarah's ponytail and he yanks it hard, her teeth slide off of his nose pulling some bits of skin off with it. In a fit of rage he grabs her head and slams it into the cupboards, cracking it and knocking her silly.

Her eyes move around the kitchen, unfocused, semi-conscious.

The rage fades from Mark's bloody face as he laughs, he looks hungrily at Sarah's exposed neck, he leans in to kiss it when --

CRUNCH, a knee flies up into Mark's crotch, immediately he keels over in excruciating pain.

Clumsily,  Sarah steps over her injured and bleeding husband  and rushes out of the room.


The second time around is much more interesting to read, it creates a better picture for the reader of exactly what is going on.....and it definitely could be better.

Guys,

Seriously, thanks so much.  You have opened up my eyes so much.  It is such a fine line between too much and too little.  It really is give and take.

I love the one by Cameron.  Wow, I can't believe that is my story (minus the dragon)...

I really enjoy this site.  Don't get me wrong, hearing that my screenplay is substandard blows, but, as I say, I'd rather hear it from you guys then from someone who can determine my fate in the business.  I played Magic the gathering professionally for a while, and you can bet, I had to get a lot better.  So, I've got the right mind-set.

Perhaps we could use this board to help others who have action issues too.

Thanks
Dan

Quoted from LC I agree. It can be done either way. The thing with developing your own voice in script writing but still adhering to the so called 'rules' especially when you're not a pro and writing a spec, is that sometimes done to an exact formula a script can read dull and lifeless, so I just wanted to let Dan know that creativity and colour is still encouraged.

Concur with this for sure,

I actually read Dan's script just past this part, and when I did read that "aside", I was clueless what it was supposed to mean.  As written, it's a definite mistake.

And, maybe the more important thing is about asides in general.  9 times out of 10, or maybe even 95 times out of 100, they're a mistake.

They take the reader completely out of the read.

They are unfilmable, so they're a waste of the space they take up.

Many peeps detest asides, me being 1 of those peeps.  The problem is they're usually poorly done, cheesy, cliche, or downright incorrect or confusing.

Great writers can get away with them here and there because they know what they're doing.  If you're not a great writer, don't attempt to use them...EVER.

Scripts are meant to be visual and passive writing is not visual.  Active writing is visual.  You can get away with a few "is" and "are" verbs, but stay away from them as much as humanly possible.

You want your readers to literally be able to visualize and "see" exactly what's happening in your script.  If they can't, they won't give a shit and that will be that.

Quoted from Dreamscale I actually read Dan's script just past this part, and when I did read that "aside", I was clueless what it was supposed to mean.  As written, it's a definite mistake. And, maybe the more important thing is about asides in general.  9 times out of 10, or maybe even 95 times out of 100, they're a mistake. They take the reader completely out of the read. They are unfilmable, so they're a waste of the space they take up. Many peeps detest asides, me being 1 of those peeps.  The problem is they're usually poorly done, cheesy, cliche, or downright incorrect or confusing. Great writers can get away with them here and there because they know what they're doing.  If you're not a great writer, don't attempt to use them...EVER. Scripts are meant to be visual and passive writing is not visual.  Active writing is visual.  You can get away with a few "is" and "are" verbs, but stay away from them as much as humanly possible. You want your readers to literally be able to visualize and "see" exactly what's happening in your script.  If they can't, they won't give a shit and that will be that.

On active vs. passive voice I am generally in concurrence -  simply because it reads better.

I do not agree regarding the limited use of asides. From a script reader's perspective, anything that keeps me turning pages is effective - almost by definition.  Technically correct but  unimaginative or dull will stop me in my tracks. If it is technically incorrect - but is something that elicits an emotion, conveys a feeling, creates a unique visual for me, etc. that will keep me reading - I am okay with it.

I will defer to you regarding technical aspects of writing as I am still in grade school in that arena and you have been one of my go to guys in that regard. But I would ask you to consider that there are some technical aspects of writing that are only truly appreciated by technicians. I think asides is one of them (again - I agree they should be limited). The art of writing is to get folks to keep turning the pages - if a non-technical tool accomplishes that - cool. IMO anyway. Cheers.

Dave, asides, when extremely limited...and well written, can be fine, but the problem is that with most writers, they're not, and they're usually very poor...or smartass, or cliche, or just downright annoying.

Hey, I know, many don't mind them or even realize they're there.  And then, some actually appreciate them.

You just have to understansd that sometimes, they can be a script killer.

I love using "crazy" analogies, so here's one...

Remember the Super Bowl from a few months back?

Seattle had the game won.  It didn't matter all the mistakes they made, they had the game won...just score from the 2 yard line in 3 plays, and it's all done.

What did they do?  They ran what I'll call a "trick play" and instead of handing the ball off to arguably the hardest to bring down running back in the entire league, they got "smartass" and thew a pass...which cost them the game.

I'm sure most won't get the connection here, but my point is this...

Don't do something that's unnecessary when the norm will work just fine.

Each to their own, of course, but for me, asides are a big mistake I see over and over again, and I honestly can't understand what the writer was possibly thnking when they decided to go that route.

Peace out.  

This is gonna sound dumb, but, how does an aside work in screenwriting?  I know what it is used for in plays, usually people talk to the audience, but, I didn't think I did that here.  

everything has wacky terminology today, it makes me feel like a dinosaur, the extinct variety.  Sometimes, I wish I could just sell ideas and outlines and let much better writers then myself create my piece.

Alas, that isn't possible...

So, an aside would be like:

Character A sees Bob, the town crier, delivering news from the king.  Unless I show that he's a crier, is that what an aside would be in screenplay writing?  

Like I said, I know what it is in the playwright world, but, this isn't that.  

Thanks again for taking the time to answer all of my questions.

Dan

Quoted from Dreamscale Dave, asides, when extremely limited...and well written, can be fine, but the problem is that with most writers, they're not, and they're usually very poor...or smartass, or cliche, or just downright annoying. Hey, I know, many don't mind them or even realize they're there.  And then, some actually appreciate them. You just have to understansd that sometimes, they can be a script killer. I love using "crazy" analogies, so here's one... Remember the Super Bowl from a few months back? Seattle had the game won.  It didn't matter all the mistakes they made, they had the game won...just score from the 2 yard line in 3 plays, and it's all done. What did they do?  They ran what I'll call a "trick play" and instead of handing the ball off to arguably the hardest to bring down running back in the entire league, they got "smartass" and thew a pass...which cost them the game. I'm sure most won't get the connection here, but my point is this... Don't do something that's unnecessary when the norm will work just fine. Each to their own, of course, but for me, asides are a big mistake I see over and over again, and I honestly can't understand what the writer was possibly thnking when they decided to go that route. Peace out.

Okay - you get 10 extra points for a perfect Super Bowl analogy - yes, dumbest play ever

I think once a thread descends into analogies... it's over.