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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Best ways to re-work sentence structure? Moderators: George Willson
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  Author    Best ways to re-work sentence structure?  (currently 3812 views)
Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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What's the best way to eliminate ACTION lines starting with character names, and he/she?

Any tips for this? I'm currently editing my script and would appreciate a little advice.

In some instances, it's like I can't think of a better way to re-word things, and that's down to a lack of experience on my part.

I'm guessing you'd just re-work it like...

Max sighs > A sigh from Max, but even that seems a bit odd to me.

It does look a bit dodgy when you stack action lines beginning with character names and he/she, need to iron that stuff out.

Some examples of how you guys do it would be great.
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eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting challenge Max. I think the short answer is that there is no best way and that there is nothing especially wrong with starting each action line with the character name. The problem is that it can become tedious - dull. Dave does this..Dave does that, etc can start to drone.

I look for opportunities with any action with sound to flip the sequence. e.g.,

DAVE is startled by a GUNSHOT

can just as easily be:

BANG - a gunshot startles Dave.

So look for action you have that has sound in it and see if it works if you flip it.

The same goes for anyone or anything that comes into a scene. e.g.,

Dave sees a bird fly overhead

could be

A bird flies overhead - catches Dave's eye.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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I've dabbled with action, but I lean towards drama.  For example, my attempts at re-wording:

Max walks toward the door, nervous.

Nervously, Max walks toward the door. <-- not ideal with the ly adverb

Nervousness overcomes Max as he walks toward the door.

A nervous Max walks toward the door.

The door, Max walks toward it.

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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You can just omit the 'ly'...

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.
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Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
You can just omit the 'ly'...

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.


Doh, of course.

Do you work to eliminate that btw?


Quoted Text

Max kicks a ball.

Stephanie plays with a dog on the lawn.  She catches Max's attention.

Max turns, readies himself, boots the ball at Stephanie's face.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yes I do work to eliminate that. Not on the first draft, but as I work through, I like to flip the action around.
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Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Yes I do work to eliminate that. Not on the first draft, but as I work through, I like to flip the action around.


Alright then, do you find sometimes that it can't be helped tho, in certain situations? Where you've got multiple characters out and about.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max


Alright then, do you find sometimes that it can't be helped tho, in certain situations? Where you've got multiple characters out and about.


Most of the time I use the character's name. It just comes down to flow. So long as it reads fine then it doesn't really matter much.
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eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
I've dabbled with action, but I lean towards drama.  For example, my attempts at re-wording:

Max walks toward the door, nervous.

Nervously, Max walks toward the door. <-- not ideal with the ly adverb

Nervousness overcomes Max as he walks toward the door.

A nervous Max walks toward the door.

The door, Max walks toward it.

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.



Not quite sure you understood my post. It had nothing to do with the genre of the script.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Not quite sure you understood my post. It had nothing to do with the genre of the script.


Yeah but you ain't getting many bangs, and massive audio in a drama really.  My script is really contained, it's conversation only really, not much coming and going.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Good topic, Max. Rarely mentioned when it should be.

Whilst it could be argued that on the screen Max did this, Max did that etc would be the same, the reality is that we have to be read first. As such we have to keep the reader engaged and also BELIEVE in us as writers. So, to me, part of what we are doing is trying to persuade the reader that the story is good because we are good. Supposedly.

There probably have been many great ideas lost in crap writing and format etc

I also do like dustin, sort of! I write the first draft and then later I fine tune. This can mean a reworking the action lines to vary the order. I try to avoid line after line with He, she or the name. Breaking it up is often easy. Also, sometime connect them to make a longer sentence so that you avoid extra he, she etc

Re the ly words - I'm less bothered by these now, and you will se a fair few in Alice. But the challenge is to use them when it works, when it conveys a message. I do agree that if you can avoid them, and it reads well, then do so.

Cheers



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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Max
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Good topic, Max. Rarely mentioned when it should be.

Whilst it could be argued that on the screen Max did this, Max did that etc would be the same, the reality is that we have to be read first. As such we have to keep the reader engaged and also BELIEVE in us as writers. So, to me, part of what we are doing is trying to persuade the reader that the story is good because we are good. Supposedly.

There probably have been many great ideas lost in crap writing and format etc

I also do like dustin, sort of! I write the first draft and then later I fine tune. This can mean a reworking the action lines to vary the order. I try to avoid line after line with He, she or the name. Breaking it up is often easy. Also, sometime connect them to make a longer sentence so that you avoid extra he, she etc

Re the ly words - I'm less bothered by these now, and you will se a fair few in Alice. But the challenge is to use them when it works, when it conveys a message. I do agree that if you can avoid them, and it reads well, then do so.

Cheers



Nice of you to pop in Reef

Yeah, I see what you mean, the editing process will be quite enjoyable if I can iron all the little kinks out with the action lines ect.

It's only a few, but it's good to learn how to write the same thing in different ways.

What's the best way to improve sentence structure? Anyone else got any tips?

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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah in regard to ly adverbs I use them all the time. Just as Reef said, be careful when you do. I learned that from writing prose, but it works just as well with screenplays... they do say that in every novel you should only see one 'ly' adverb every two pages or so. However, it is possible to write without them altogether.

Just go easy on them.
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khamanna
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really?
They talk about ly/ing words, orphans and whatever... but never that. Thanks for the alert! Although I'm confused as to why - never bothered me.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really?


Not to be avoided... just not used all the time. Most of the time you will write the character name first. Just occasionally flip things around.
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