I'm conflicted when it comes to how I should write my slug lines, and I do understand that there is no right or wrong way, not really.

Reading something like Lethal Weapon, Tarantino, or even Big Trouble in little China, the first thing you'll notice is the VAST amount of "rule breaking" in the screenwriting department, in both formatting and general rule of thumb in the action lines. Even instances of speaking to the audience, which is something else that is typically frowned upon.

So, how can certain screenplays make it through, while others are completely disregarded by judges at film fests? Is it the judge who happens to read it?

Here is a quick example of something I've written, and I'd appreciate an opinion on how these lines are worded.

Morris kneels down and begins to pick the lock. He hums Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

JOE
Queen? Why the hell are you humming that?

MORRIS
Shut up.

Morris continues to hum and work on the lock.

JOE
Come on, come on already.

Joe is antsy.

MORRIS
Please shut up?

JOE
Watch out I'm gonna kick it-

The ants in Joe's pants are fed up and need to get out. Joe puts his hands on Morris' shoulders and begins to pull at him.

Morris drops the lock pick and bucks Joe back. He steps close to Joe, and their noses almost touch.

MORRIS
-Don't you ever put your hands on me again, you got that? Let me concentrate. If I'm humming past the first verse, I know the lock won. Matter of fact, I just simply enjoy Queen, so don't interrupt.
(beat)
How bout you be constructive somewhere else?

Morris points towards the fence and smacks a couple of kisses at Joe.

Joe walks through the minefield of dog shit and looks over the fence toward the neighboring house.

Quoted Text Morris kneels down and begins to pick the lock. He hums Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

Morris kneels and picks the lock while humming Bohemian Rhapsody.

Humming Bohemian Rhapsody, Morris kneels and picks the lock.

Thanks, thought it was a little clunky.

If the lock picking is continuous throughout the conversation then it's best to write the method employed to do so:

Humming Bohemian Rhapsody, Morris kneels and wiggles a pick in the lock.

The humming continues all the way until he says he's got it. Do I need to put in there that the humming is interrupted and restarted each time he tells Joe to shut up? I don't think so, right?

I was talking about the lock. It's clear from what you have already that the humming is interrupted each time. You don't need to state the obvious. If you use the 'wiggling pick' thing then that leads to other inventive sentences later down the line.

You're overthinking things. Just write what is most important in getting the image across to the reader. We have imaginations too and will build images from small pieces of information. Like if we're in a forest, it goes without saying that there will be lots of trees.

Yea, I've had some bad habits of including obvious slug lines, or sometimes stating the obvious.

In the example I posted, I was more interested in the part where I talk about Joe being antsy, and how I did those action lines. Are they distracting, or do they "work"?

You don't need to write that he's antsy as it is obvious from his dialogue.

I've just read some more and this:

Quoted Text The ants in Joe's pants are fed up and need to get out. Joe puts his hands on Morris' shoulders and begins to pull at him.

It's not good. Drop this shit completely from your writing. Keep it basic for a while.

OK, thanks. That's what I was trying to get an opinion on.

Steven, your title here is about Slugs, but it seems you're actually looking for advice on your action/description lines.

Remember, when you're looking at Tarantino, Black, or any of these sorts of writers, you really can't compare what they do to being "right" or "wrong" - they do whatever they want and it's actually unlikely whatever draft you're looking at is actually what they wrote as a final script.

Dustin is right in what he's telling you here.  Drop the smartass asides and write the action as it occurs.

Yea I get it.

Say the available screenplays for the mentioned writers aren't the final versions, I'd like to know what was submitted and optioned.

It just seems like that style of writing is either loved or hated.

Quoted from Steven Yea I get it. Say the available screenplays for the mentioned writers aren't the final versions, I'd like to know what was submitted and optioned. It just seems like that style of writing is either loved or hated.

They are not submitted and optioned...they are greenlit before the writer evens types FADE IN:.

But yeah, you are correct - the Shane Black "style" is loved by some and hated by some. Personally, I DESPISE it with a passion!!!!

Tarantino probably shouldn't even be mentioned here since he writes/directs his own stuff, and is at a point where he more than likely doesn't need to get approval on what he does.

I've struggled with "is this action line too simple?", but I guess as long as the point get's across.

Quoted from Steven I've struggled with "is this action line too simple?", but I guess as long as the point gets across.

Steven, it's a fine line and always will be.

For "new writers", the important thing to remember is to write in a way that is easily understood and grammatically correct.

You want to write as visually as possible.

You want to write in an active voice.

You want your writing to be entertaining, and not in a "grocery list" kind of way.

It takes time and practice.

That's true. I'm learning as I go. I do have one short that went through a festival and picked up an award in screenwriting...so that has pushed me along quite a bit.