SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:32pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Help with an outline Moderators: George Willson
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Help with an outline  (currently 1784 views)
Steven
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
I've abandoned all other projects to focus on a drama that I've been wanting to write for some time now, and it's very personal to me. I do have an outline, but I'm not sure if what I've included is enough beef to get me to where I need to be.

Here it is, and I think this is the correct place to post this.

ACT I
Newly divorced Ben Jacobson works as a bartender at Sully’s Tavern, a local watering hole that serves mostly the neighborhood people. Ben has a couple of days off when Sully, the owner, tends bar himself. Benjamin Jr., who goes by Junior, is Ben’s 13 year old son that has to be left at home during the nights his dad works. Their relationship isn’t great, as Ben is resentful toward his ex wife, Lauren, because she left him to take care of their son, who he isn’t very close to because he’s always working. It is revealed that she was a drug addict and that is what caused the divorce. Sully and Ben are close, like a father and son relationship, so Ben seeks guidance from him. Sully tells Ben that he is terminally ill, and decides to leave Ben the bar and a large sum of money.

ACT II
Sully dies and Ben uses the money to pay off his house, property taxes on the bar, and to slightly renovate its interior. This gives Ben a chance to bond with Junior, as Ben and Sully did these same things years prior.  Ben doesn’t know how to be a father, but he uses what he’s learned from Sully. With the bar closed for renovation, Ben attends a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and shares his own story of struggle and we learn that he’s been sober since the birth of Junior. He’s welcomed back by the people at the meeting as he hasn’t been there for some time. He shares the story of Lauren and that he’s recently divorced. With the bar reopened, Ben takes Junior to work one weekend where he hangs out in the back office playing video games. The patrons know Junior, so after a short while he’s shown how to make simple drinks by Ben and their relationship grows stronger. One night after work, Lauren leaves a message for Ben, begging for him to call her.  He does, and agrees to meet with her at a local restaurant, without Junior. She explains where she went and what she did, and that she’s been sober for a short while and wants to rebuild her family. He tells her that he’ll think about it and talk to Junior.

ACT III
Hesitant to let Lauren back in his life, Ben talks with Junior as their relationship has grown strong. He treats Junior as somewhat of an adult and appreciates his opinion. During a shift, Lauren walks into the bar wearing long sleeves on a warm day and brings up money numerous times which makes Ben suspicious of her true intentions. When he asks her specific questions regarding where she’s been, who she’s been with, and what she wants, she gets frustrated and snaps at him, throwing insults and causing a scene. He grabs her arm and lifts the sleeve to show track marks not fully healed. He knows now that she only wants the money he’s received. Ben then explains to Junior the situation, and how Lauren can’t be involved in their lives. Junior is ok with that fact.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Steven

Not really sure what the question is?

If it's about the outline process itself, then whether or not this is sufficient is purely your call, it's only for your benefit... personally the only time I outline now is if I'm writing for hire and I need to agree the story in reasonable detail with the Producer.

If you mean, is there enough meat here for a feature... I think it might be a little light, perhaps a B story, maybe someone muscling in on the bar, or a schoolmate bullying Junior? The end above seems a little flat... and downbeat.

My thoughts - but what do I know!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 25
Steven
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
Yea see, I don't want to write a thriller, murder-mystery, or anything of the like. This is character driven piece. Ben is distant from his son, never had to worry about the day to day stuff (school, feeding him) because Lauren always did it.

Now that he's alone with Junior, he's somewhat mean, says the wrong things, etc. Junior is 13, so he's just at the right age to completely understand what's happening, but not old enough to really get involved. He's a bystander in a messed up living situation.

That is until Ben wises up, starts to try, and it progresses with help from Sully (more advice than help). Then Sully passes, leaves things to Ben. So Ben uses this opportunity to take on the father/mentor role as Sully once did for him.

I don't need to have anything going on like child protective services threatening to take Junior away, or an out of town relative popping in to take him. I am open to some type of other "thing" going on but I'm not sure what that is yet. Something may come to me.

This is a story about a father and son. There are very personal pieces to this which I haven't fully shared in the outline. The main being the drug addicted mother. I want to show in a flashback some of the things she's done while taking care of Junior.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
Female Gaze
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
So, the mother is an addict and the father is inconsequential?

Your story should be how Junior didn't end up with child services in the first place. He is going to be really resistant to a lot of things coming from his situation with his mom and then going with his dad.

Hmm, what I would do is rearrange some things around. It's more effective to have Ben get the money first and then discover junior is now under his custody turning his life into flux. Maybe, Ben has a lot going for him and a son isn't part of that picture. Why isn't he in his life in the first place?

I do agree that what you have is a more B-plot than anything.  

For outlining character-driven drama, you need to focus on the characters more so than the plot. The characters create the story. So write each of them in and out.

Right down to favorite color and why?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
Steven
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 12:05am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
Ben, junior and Lauren all lived together until just before the start of the story. It will be explained through interactions with Ben and others just exactly what happened.

Ben always worked at the bar from afternoon until basically overnight. Lauren handled the day to day stuff with junior. So basically, Ben is a new dad since he now has to be responsible for junior 24 hours a day.

I'll have more meat as I get into it. Planning it out was never my strong suit.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 25
Female Gaze
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 1:33am Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
umm, no. It doesn't work that way...I can see what you mean...but the wording is off.

13 years is a long time to just be figuring it out. I can see maybe 3 or 5 even but 13? And still drugs? That's a hard pill to swallow story-wise.

Was she doing drugs the whole time? or? was she recovered and became addicted again? Where did Lauren go? rehab? Did she abandon them? At 13 Junior most likely knows how to care for himself at this point simply out of necessity.

I would prefer just to watch Junior go through the day to day taking care of himself. And maybe having Ben watching from afar.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
SteveDiablo
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 4:07am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
You're worse than me!
Mister attention-seeker!

The idea sucks, sorry, dude, kill it.

It's an awful story told by an awful storyteller. You might need to read up on how to write a script, baby.

Revision History (1 edits)
SteveDiablo  -  February 1st, 2017, 4:20am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
SteveDiablo
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 4:23am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
NO ONE CARES!

Stop making posts about your amazing ideas, just post your scripts!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
SteveDiablo
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 4:27am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
CLASSIC DUMBASS.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Steven
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 9:43am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from Female Gaze
umm, no. It doesn't work that way...I can see what you mean...but the wording is off.

13 years is a long time to just be figuring it out. I can see maybe 3 or 5 even but 13? And still drugs? That's a hard pill to swallow story-wise.

Was she doing drugs the whole time? or? was she recovered and became addicted again? Where did Lauren go? rehab? Did she abandon them? At 13 Junior most likely knows how to care for himself at this point simply out of necessity.

I would prefer just to watch Junior go through the day to day taking care of himself. And maybe having Ben watching from afar.

This is the last argumentative post I'll have.

I said this was personal to me, so here it is, and maybe it is just a unique situation but I'm certain I'm not the only one to go through this.

I grew up with my both of my parents (only child) until I was 16. My mom had a problem with prescription drugs since I was about 10 (or maybe younger, I blocked alot of it I guess). My dad was ALWAYS gone at work, from like 5am-6pm he wasn't there. He was in bed by like 9pm each night. Obviously I had a relationship with him but it wasn't very extensive. He never did the day to day stuff like cooking, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, school functions. My mom handled it all.

They divorced because they stopped loving each other, she met a guy, started getting into actual drugs AND prescription drugs. This is what happens in this story, which I'm taking directly out of real life.

My dad was then thrown into being a sole parent, because my mom was completely gone, similar to what's happening here. There was a huge adjustment period. He didn't know how to talk to me, not really anyway, and he didn't know anything about handling a teenager because he didn't have to do it. Now he has to do it ALL. Plus, he holds all of the resentment toward my mom and has anger, which gets projected on me. There was no abuse or anything, FYI.

The story differs at the bonding. We never did. I got older, joined the Navy at 18 and was gone. I'm 32 now and we still aren't really that close, and my mom is still the same person as she was when I was 16.

In this, Ben gets to know his son that he's never really known as he was growing up. Sure, he was there and had interactions and was attentive, but he doesn't know the first thing about being a sole parent.

I'm telling this story almost as a therapy to myself, and I think I can make it captivating and I hope that at least some other people out there had a similar experience. This is the first story where I'm not struggling to come up with ideas, only the order in which they happen, and when they happen.

I won't start a thread about it, but here are the first 8 pages. I changed the name of the bar and the location that I think I mentioned above somewhere.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_vHHlz3zmHYMXA3bDJ6SFdKQWc

Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
Female Gaze
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 11:43am Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey, I get it, same here. Although the drug part wasn't there. My dad worked the oddest hours in the world. Sometimes I wouldn't see him until the weekend. It was crazy and is sill very much the same now (I'm 2 So I can't imagine that your dad just spent zero time with you, that's awful. My dad at least took me on misadventures (once we hitched on a 16 wheeler back home)

Your real life story is more interesting than what you have here. No one can tell you how to make this work bc it's personal. There is nothing wrong with being RAW about all this. Put in what you feel comfortable with and embellish here and there. It will work.

I say focus on BEN in this...he's your story.

Good luck!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
Steven
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 11:57am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
The story will be about Ben, and how he learns to be a father since not really having one of his own and not taking part in his own kid's life.

I've never written an outline before, so I don't know if I should include a piece of backstory there. I thought they were just a tool to explain how the three acts play out...not so much a description of the characters.

The overall conflict is Ben not knowing how to deal with being a father.

The secondary conflicts are that Ben is given a sum of money, that alleviates certain aspects of his life. Another conflict is his wife trying to come back into their lives after being gone for however long the time span is of this story (haven't figured that out yet).

Lastly, we'll learn through the story why they divorced in the first place, which will show Lauren's old drug habits and eventual relapse once they divorced.

When I said Ben attends NA meetings, that doesn't mean he's still using. Most people that get sober still have something to do with that community whether it be sponsoring others or attending the meetings themselves. He's depressed, maybe some urges come back and he doesn't want to fall into that trap.

I know they conflicts, and how I want it to end, it's the execution I'm concerned about.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 25
Female Gaze
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
I meant JUNIOR actually.  Not BEN. Since (essentially) you are Junior write from his POV. It could be highly evocative and beautiful all at the same time. Nothing wrong with having a young protag.

All this sounds fine. Just get to work is my only advice. You're going to need to dig deep into the characters to make this work and really drive home the narrative.

Sorry but no hand holding. You can do it, man!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
Steven
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
I'm early enough where I could change the POV, or even restart. Read what I linked a few posts up, it sets the tone between Ben and Junior.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 25
Female Gaze
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
I will when I get a chance OK.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Screenwriting Class  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006