Perhaps he can tone it down a little. After all, he does get transmutated without a lot of choice in about 15 seconds anyway giving him the reason he needs to do what he just said.

I was also thinking about the grove "what's the point" comment as well. I believe the grove is a carryover from an early draft. This first part is probably the weakest because it went through A LOT of drafts. Some things worked, some thigs didn't and I kept chipping away at early, mostly incomplete drafts until it finally worked to the finish. The grove used to play a larger role, but has now kind of relegated to being nothing more than a meeting place. I feel like they would still meet there, so as to not go to the mill by themselves (mostly for Beth's benefit) but I can certainly redo the dialogue surrounding it, so it loses quite a bit of its implied importance.

And you're right, the sign for the Council Body Hall should probably not be in English. It would likely be in Felletterusk. I missed that.

Just an update. Since Phil's review, I have cut out about 4 or 5 pages (I can't remember whether it was 143 or 144 originally), but it is now down to 139. I shortened a lot of the dialogue, cut out some of the encyclopedia-like dialogue of Zechariah especially and some of the others, cut out some of the repeat info, and made sure all the remaining Fempiror mythology info matches up to the actual mythology since this part was written with all that stuff still in my head.

I think a lot of it was more for my benefit than for the reader. Now that I've written it down elsewhere, I sure don't need it here. Anyway, the same old link still works, so enjoy.

Major Spoilers contained within, if you haven't read this do not read on...






I'm serious, if you read on the mutations will come after you, in a dream. Ask George, that wouldn't be good.








So, I hope this helps you out and if not I hope it eases your mind to know you have some fans because it is a great fantasy adventure that I'd love to see on a special extended DVD one day ha-ha seriously though keep up the good work.

On page 2, I'm wondering what an enormous, seven-stored fortress is? Is that a mistake or a way of pronouncing it I've never heard?

A few times I notice you tell us things but I'll let them slide since you probably know all about them.

I see in your dialogue that you're a smart man, Pallid for instance, I had to look it up ha-ha I honestly have never heard it before.

In the flashback on page 10 - 11 Zechariah tells Tiberius and Ulrich that David accidentally turned the girl, I mean the way you set his anger because of his stupidity in the first it seems unlike him to say this. He shouldn't be so forgiving, at least not as much as he is. That's what I think, tell me what you think?

Zechariah deserves a heroes dramatic death, like Lord of the Rings, I found myself tearing up during Boromir's death, you should add some more chatter before he dies to make it a sad moment. I think anyway.

On page 13 - 14 Tiberius says they have become like gypsies. - The thing about that line is it just seems to not work in this script for me, I think you can cut that line and just say they move around constantly because it sounds better. I don't know, you're the genius; I'm just giving an opinion ha-ha.

On page 19 - 20 Tiberius says David, head back to the hideout. I need to speak with Ulrich to determine where we will meet tomorrow evening. - I find that a little to on the nose as dialogue goes.

On page 22 - 23 David looks over to herm, and tears are filling her eyes. - I guess you'll see what's wrong here.

On page 63 - 64 They looks ready for anything. - Small mistake but still could help make it perfect.

On page 68 - 69 Tiberius says I'm sure they aren't doing anything. My fear is "What are they doing?" - Nothing is wrong but I'm just confused by it, it doesn't read right. Maybe it's me tell me what you think.

On page 81 - 82 David says Agreed - I say cut that line out altogether, it just doesn't work. Just a suggestion though.

Wow, I was not expecting what happened during that fight on pages 80 - 85. That's really good writing to get that kind of reaction especially from somebody like me.

On page 94 - 95 They start run through the halls following Yuri. - Self explanatory, I think.

On page 107 - 108 They Rastem and Elewo are somewhat surprised - Self explanatory again.

Vladimir is a formidable villain, I wish Abraham to be the real villain for this part but Vladimir is still a great one. Abraham not being able to fight David makes him a back burner villain.

I also thought that killing Beth was premature, I had hoped somehow in the end her and David could have a life together but I guess for the bigger scheme of things everything happens for a reason.

I really enjoyed this story, starts off slows and builds to a point where if you don't have a great 3rd it may hurt the series, it's added pressure but I feel you can handle it.

Great ending, Karian becoming one of them. I can see the future and the future could possibly be Karian going back to the Tepish cowards as Ulrich said and begin his reign of terror ha-ha I don't know, a prediction from me.

I am sorry I could not say much more about the story that wouldn't seem like me giving you too much praise, the story is great, no doubt. The dialogue switches sometimes and you have a lot of characters you're asking us to care for that don't get much screen time. Other than what I've said and even with what I've said I have enjoyed these two screenplays much more than almost everything else I've read.

Now I wait for the next chapter.

Some "tell" things I do just because it "can" be seen, but it is difficult to point it out. The location of the Fortress is more tell than show, but the specification of the location can't be done any other way.

As for Zechariah, I can reword him slightly to show he is still not happy, but on the whole, he also knows that he is dying and has no reason to hold anything over David.

On Tiberius line, it is "I'm sure they aren't doing 'nothing.'" It is the proper use of a double negative. What are they doing? I'm sure it isn't nothing. I can clear it up though.

Thanks for the kind words on the story. The next chapter is done and awaiting Don posting it. I submitted it today. I know some characters don't get a lot of screentime, but at the same time, they do their job and don't waste our time either.

What do you mean by "the dialogue switches sometimes"?

Like the dialogue goes from perfect for the screenplay to a more modern, it does it little though, I just thought it was worth a mention. It doesn't hurt the script for me anyway, next time you read through keep an eye on certain characters like David, Beth and Abraham, possibly the woman that gives them the keys to the room.

The dialogue isn't bad just something for you to read and think, is this the feel I was going for in the time... If it was then I take back my statement and say good job ha-ha.

I missed this one. I want to give it a read on my next day off work, which will be next week sometime.
Cindy

All right, ladies and gentlemen. The thread has been updated and Part 3: the Hunt for the Razers is now available for your reading pleasure. Let me know how much I need to fix to make it good.

I like to read these slowly.  I'll let you know what I think in a week or so.

Cool. I eagerly await your commentary.

I finished this quicker than I thought I would. You should be pleased to know that I found myself constantly returning to it, and I had sh*t I needed to do today, too. I think it’s the best of the three, with a higher action/page ratio, which is what I prefer. I don’t know if you are getting better at this or if I am just more comfortable with your style after a few 100 pages.  Probably a little of both.

Comments and spoilers ensue. This is a good series, folks.  Don’t read the spoilers.  Really.



I don’t know how much you remember from our previous posts on Part II, but yes, you did spoil the “Unknown” for me (jerk). Don’t worry, though. You concealed it well. But I saw it coming.

· I am not sure I like the title on this one.  Not that I have anything better.
· Opening scenes:  I seem to recall that the passage of time was handled rather awkwardly in Part II.  It is handled much better here.
· pg 7/typo “with goes down to his knees”
· pg 20/typo “a low rumbles ensues”
· pg 38-45:  This conversation seemed to drag, and the points about Elizabeth seemed superfluous.  And besides, these guys didn’t tell us anything that Wesley doesn’t tell us better a few seconds later.  If you want to shorten, this might be a good spot.
· pg 52:  David says “…dealing with the day/night thing?”  This particular line of dialogue could stand some reworking.
· pg 58/typo “They accompanied by…”
· pg 63:  The scene with Wesley and Peter.  This is nearly a whole page that can go.  It reads fine with this entire scene deleted (try it).  And if you tell me this Peter guy comes back later I’ll have to strangle you.
· pg 68-73:  They spend a lot of time securing a room, hiding the cart, and figuring out who will watch it when. It’s a tedious little segment, and then nothing really happens in this town.  Why not let them find a cave and be done with it in half a page, you know?  Another good spot if you are looking to condense.
· Wesley’s death seemed a little unwarranted, but gee, it was nice.
· Near the climax, and tougher to fix:  I do not believe Vladimir would entrust Abraham with this crucial responsibility. Everything up to this point virtually ensures that he would not, as you have several scenes that very firmly establish his lack of confidence and trust. Perhaps you should tone down some of those earlier scenes. Vladimir does not have to LIKE Abraham, but he should feel confident that Abraham will do what he commands him to do.
· The very end:  The introduction of Viovode is necessary, of course, but handled awkwardly, like you were rushing to get to the end. (You were, weren’t you?)  He needs some PURPOSE for being in the area, not just “showing up”.  Perhaps he is hunting mutations himself?  I don’t know.  You can do better, you know?

Really good job, man.  Some of the best stuff on here.  And even if the cave wolves were never really explained, I dug them just the same.      

My hope is that I'm getting better at this. Sorry about the previous spoilers, but you know how it all went. I picked the title after much thought on what it could possibly be. I ran through several dozen choices before settling on this one. If you do come up with any other ideas, I am game.

Thanks for catching my typos (dammit!).

The deal with the Elizabeth Carpenter story could be cut down or out, I admit. It is something that plays into later parts, but I think I'll very lightly touch it here, and then explain more when it comes up.

No, Peter does not return. This is another scene that I wasn't sure if it would play into anything later or not. Whatever might have had nothing to do with Peter. Its only real purpose is to explain how Wesley left his night watchman position, which isn't that important.

Hiding the cart in town is another place where I thought something might happen, but after they got it all together, I figured it would be better to get on with the actual story because there wasn't much else to tell at this point. It can also be cut back.

Wesley: I was done with him. Vladimir was done with him. We spoke for awhile, and came to a mutual agreement that we'd hack him. The Mutations hadn't eaten anyone yet and they were getting kind of hungry.

The question behind Abraham's loyalty is right alongside the question of the Mutation loyalty. Despite their planning, no one seems to really believe the Mutations will help them if allowed to. Not even Karian seems to believe this. Vladimir does not so much "entrust" Abraham with the task insomuchas he has Abraham handle the Mutation because he finds Abraham expendable. Far from being a large responsibility, it would be the riskiest job in the organization and the one most certain to spell doom. After all, neither Tank Tepish survived. However, I can explain this part better so it works better.

My original idea for David getting to Voivode was just him seeing the castle in the rain and knocking on the door. They would chat for a moment and that's it. I felt the version I wrote was a little better because it has David in a helping position instead of acting vulnerable. I'm not sure how else to intro the old man because he is not hunting Mutations, nor does he have any desire to. He really doesn't even know about them. He was simply out getting his monthly provisions. Nothing super special or heroic; it isn't his place nor desire to be so. He gave up on a cure and is just living at this point. I'll think on it and see if I can improve it. The biggest problem with that intro, although necessary, it is after the entire story is over, so we're all waiting for the credits to roll. So if it felt rushed, it probably was.

It might be just as well to start the rain storm, and have David running through the rain, see a castle in the distance, and run towards it, not introducing anyone, but I thought that might be anti-climactic. I can't intro Voivode in the teaser for 4 or during 4 because I want to get things going right away. Hell get substantial backstory, but I don't need he and David chatting about things they already know about each other.

Thank you for the compliments, and they're wolves that live in caves. It's fantasy, what do you want explained?  

OK.  How about if Voivode is getting attacked by an escaped mutant (before we know who he is) and David saves him?  You get more action that way, their meeting seems more like destiny than chance, and you lend additional resonance to whatever relationship you have planned for these guys later on.  And it can be accomplished quickly.

This is true. The only hangup is the rain. Mutations are unlikely to take the chance of being outside when rain is threatening. The reason for the overcast sky (at least) is so David can travel without "getting burned." You'll note that as soon as thunder rolled, Karian split and the Mutations followed.

I also don't know that an action sequence would be appropriate in what would be the movie's denouement. I continue to be open to suggestion, and am continually pondering it myself.

Another explanation I am avoiding at the end of this film is why David did not return to Yori. It would take far too much time to cover that ground and would be better placed in the next film as to David's reasoning for not returning to the Rastem.

You can see that this meeting is a sticky little subject that is necessary, but brief. There are a lot of things that can go wrong with it. It's largest problem is that it in a setup for what follows and has little to do with what came before.

Well, the Fempiror Chronicles is now a series around here, so it got moved here accordingly. On another note, the pilot episode for the Teleplay portion is now up so while I revising The Hunt for the Razers, you can check out the pilot and tear it apart for me.  

I revised the Hunt for the Razers somewhat. I'm still pondering some sections of it, but I've worked it over a little at least to fix the typos Bert pointed out. See what happens to David in the modern era in Lost and Found!