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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Fempiror Chronicles Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fempiror Chronicles  (currently 26645 views)
Alan_Holman
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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E-mail it to radiomovie2003@yahoo.ca

I'll put it AT THE START of my list of things to read.  

Peace, man.
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tomson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Really, really excellent job George! I mean it!

I've seen your line-up for a long time, but never really thought of reading this. The reason is I thought it was like hour long series and I didn't think this was the type of story I would enjoy either. I was REALLY pleasantly surprised. I stayed interested the whole time. My mind did not wander ones, which is unusual for me.

Excellent plotting!

I'm impressed that you attempt to come up with your own language.

I honestly can't find anything to pick on. Format, was to me very good, but you know, I'm just me so I could be wrong. I found one typo I think and one word missing, unless I just didn't read that line right.

Your action scenes read fast, which is good. Actually the whole script read fast.

I hope others will read this as well. Really nice job, I hope you get it sold.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS:

When I first read the description of  Hauginstown I had this picture in my head of a small simple town so I got a little confused later when you called it bustling town. I just got two different images there.

You did great on dialogue, but a couple of times when David and Beth are talking I felt it was maybe a tad to contemporary sounding.

I did not see the abduction of David coming at all. Good job!

Ditto that for the Ulrich, Vladimir thing.

When Bet and David "get together" one thought popped into my head, who wants to go to bed with someone who's temperature is cold? Just me imagining things here.

I thought Abraham had the hots for Beth from the beginning and I really liked the idea that he becomes transmutated as well. Guess I have to read on to find out what happens next, and I might, because I really did enjoy it that much.

Really nice job!
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George Willson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks very much for the read and the compliments. Being the first part, it's had the most reads and the most work and is probably the tightest of the entire series. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from tomson
When Beth and David "get together" one thought popped into my head, who wants to go to bed with someone who's temperature is cold? Just me imagining things here.


Hm, good point. Never thought of that before, but maybe they were caught up in the moment...  





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Nixon
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant. I now understand why you are the series king around here.

I've finally finished the first episode. Honestly, after first opening it up and noticing its length, it kind of made me hesitant to read. But my fears were proven wrong, for 137 pages (not counting the first two pages) it was a surprisingly quick read, the sign of a great story.

You're also the format king and your descriptions are spot on, but with all honesty some of the dialogue was lackluster and dull. But maybe that was your intention; this is a period piece after all.

This was a great episode and a near perfect way to start Fempiror. I do have a few things that I can complain about, most deal with lack of detail in some places. One example is the fight between Zechariah and Rufus or the flashback battle between the Corelnesh and the Felletterusk. More detail is needed.

Overall good stuff, I'll read the next episode as soon as time permits, but the next episode of Better Days is next on my list.

One last thing, maybe I missed it but did you mention what country this takes place in? The Carpathian Mountains are mentioned, so my guess is eastern Europe.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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George Willson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nixon
You're also the format king and your descriptions are spot on, but with all honesty some of the dialogue was lackluster and dull. But maybe that was your intention; this is a period piece after all.


As one of my eariler scripts, I've been cleaning up the dialogue every time I open it up to work on it. I know I have some scenes that are rough still and as I continue to clean it up, I'll continue to spruce that up too.


Quoted from Nixon
This was a great episode and a near perfect way to start Fempiror. I do have a few things that I can complain about, most deal with lack of detail in some places. One example is the fight between Zechariah and Rufus or the flashback battle between the Corelnesh and the Felletterusk. More detail is needed.


The Zechariah-Rufus battle is actually extended from its earlier version having been informed that "They fight" is a crappy way to do it since for the moment, everyone is reading it. I'll keep in mind that it's still a bit short. As for Felletterusk/Corelnesh, I'll keep that in mind.


Quoted from Nixon
Overall good stuff, I'll read the next episode as soon as time permits, but the next episode of Better Days is next on my list.

One last thing, maybe I missed it but did you mention what country this takes place in? The Carpathian Mountains are mentioned, so my guess is eastern Europe.


I never actually say which country this takes place in. After looking at an old map of Europe for that period, there are tons of little countries all over the place. My best guess on a location would be where Southern Germany is now. I know this means the characters would probably speak German, but hey, I never said they spoke English...people just assume that. I base this on what happens in the third screenplay since there are identifiable locations and time frames given on their travel.

Thanks for the comments. Any read is a good read. Better Days is a very enjoyable series, and I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.


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DOM
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Great show, but... holy s***! I'm guessing you wanted these about an hour, like most shows like this. I think these are longer than some film scripts on here! Unless this series is a string of films.
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George Willson
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Dom. The parts that have numbers are episodes and are visibly divided into acts are intended for a television medium. The unnumbered scripts that are longer are intended as full length motion pictures. The TV series starts at 2004 while the others all occur pre-20th century.


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tonkatough
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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This one didn't do it for me. I found it very flat. There was no energy in at all. The story and characters did not engage me. To much talking and to much exposistion and backgorund information. Yes I know the first episode in a series sets up the world and story for all the other episodes.

I expect a lot more from the adventure genre. Thrills, spills, narrow escapes, struggles and conflicts. This story lacked all of that. To much talking and little action. There is one scene where the main characters fight in shop with wooden swords that goes for about roughly 8 pages. That is way to long for one scene and brings the story to a dead halt.

The idea of immortal, sword weilding warrior that burn up in sunlight did not impress.

Vampires have been done to death and don't matter what sort of a twist you put on them a vampire is a vampire.

But judging by the positve responses in the messages above I am alone in my opinion and it seems George has a bit of a fan base and rightfully so.

Armor of Beliial is far more better adventure script and I eagerly await his next work which I think is a sci-fi adventure or so I read somewhere on a post. Correct me if I am wrong.





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George Willson
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
This one didn't do it for me.


And there's nothing wrong with that. To expect to please everyone would be absolute folly on my part.


Quoted from tonkatough
I found it very flat. There was no energy in at all. The story and characters did not engage me. To much talking and to much exposistion and backgorund information. Yes I know the first episode in a series sets up the world and story for all the other episodes.


I recently commented on the Belial thread that Belial is the 39th script I'd written and that experience helped me to write it. Well, this one is only the third feature length script I've written, and probably only the 5th or 6th overall. I've rewritten it to death, but I'm sure it still has its inherent weakness of being extremely talky...it's much better than it used to be, believe it or not. It is primarily to setup the world and get everyone in the game, and while it does that, it does it at the expense of other elements. The other scripts obviously move a lot quicker since we got all this out of the way. Makes me wish I could sell part 2 first.


Quoted from tonkatough
Vampires have been done to death and don't matter what sort of a twist you put on them a vampire is a vampire.


Not sure what to say on this comment, since other readers have commented that while I say they have traits in common with vampires, there aren't very many of them.  In fact, I've departed from the vampire comparison completely as of late because the Fempiror have, in my opinion, a much richer and interesting history as well as a more human quality to them. But I've also run into the person who feels as you do that a vampire is a vampire and no matter what changes are made, the story won't fly.


Quoted from tonkatough
Armor of Belial is far more better adventure script and I eagerly await his next work which I think is a sci-fi adventure or so I read somewhere on a post. Correct me if I am wrong.


I agree that Belial is a better script than this first part of this saga, but I equate that to the sheer volume of writing experience I gained in the year and a half between writing the two of them.

The sci-fi adveture was something I'd mentioned, and while I'm still sketching out where it's going, I have it in my head to write. Thanks for reading.


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George Willson
Posted: April 14th, 2006, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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It is said to not place all your eggs in one basket. However, if you do place your eggs in multiple baskets, it is useful to remember where you put them. I had a revision of Part 1 that I mad ein January, and I just noticed that the version this site was linking to was a pre-December version. I host this script elsewhere, so it was completely my fault, but I just thought I'd mention that in case you thought I was being stubborn and not taking any suggestions at all.

Anyway, the issue was corrected and now the correct part 1 is linked. Silly me.


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DOM
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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George, I saw on your "Everything Else I've Written" page, you wrote a couple shorts, but didn't put them with the other episodes. Are these set at the same time, or did you take them away 'cos they were one-offs?
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George Willson
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DOM
George, I saw on your "Everything Else I've Written" page, you wrote a couple shorts, but didn't put them with the other episodes. Are these set at the same time, or did you take them away 'cos they were one-offs?


The shorts were a suggestion of Bert's to give people an idea of the bigger picture without the overwhelming view of nine scripts to choose from. The two shorts are both on the shorts board and they both take place between the third screenplay (1819) and the pilot of the TV series (2004).

The Mutation Encounter (1889) will eventually be concurrent to the fourth screenplay, and is pretty much a deleted scene from that script worked over to be relatively complete. A Tepish is Born (1902) gives some insight to some of the characters in the series. I've been told that they both feel like pieces of something bigger, which was the intent -- to ease people into the series as a whole so they can decide based on "clips" whether it's worth diving into.


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DOM
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Are the films or episodes set first?
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George Willson
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for asking.

The order is as follows:

Screenplays:
Initiation of David - 1775
Genesis of the Mutation - 1785
The Hunt for the Razers - 1819

The shorts as above.

The series begins in 2004.

Hope you enjoy them.


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DOM
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Why are you saying "Hope you enjoy them?" I've already read them, and I did! However, didn't you say the shorts were just shorter versions of a couple of the scripts?
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