Thanks Pia, pleased you enjoyed it.

I like your idea about Luciano. I was thinking anyway of modernising this when doing a rewrite. Maybe have Sam as the lead singer in a rock band. Lucky persuades him to go solo. Then it would be easier to make Lucky a bit more 'from old times'. He's supposed to have a bit of 'Willy Wonka' about him as it is.

Sandra

haha yeah, it's a nice pentagram. I've actually never heard that word before.

Ste

This had a very eerie feel to it. At first when I started reading I was a bit confused as to what was going on, but by the end it all came together. It probably would've helped if I had read the other episodes first.

Anyways, great read, very believable characters, and it was a pretty good story for a short script.

I think I'm going to go read the first two episodes.

-James

Thanks James

Yeah the first two scripts are great. Pleased you liked this one.

Ste

Hey ste,

Nice job on this one. I usually dig horror/mystery shorts like this and it did not dissappoint. Didn't really do anything to break new ground (a mediocre performer approached by a myesterious stranger named Luciano, wonder what he wants) but you went through it well.

My biggest qualm is that it seemed like it didn't follow it's own rules. Sam wears the necklace off stage for a night and he dies (that's what it seemed like) but Patrick/Peter is affoded the oppurtunity to get his soul back? It doesn't seem to match. It also seems that Luciano isn't really gaining anything in this transaction. He's gaining Sam's soul but losing Patricks. Ain't that robbing Peter to pay Paul?

Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing a Luciano double cross where he gets both. I do like the brother aspect. Lot of places to go there.

Anyway, nice job. I'll have to check out some more of these.

Cheers Tim

Yeah, there is a scene that I've got to add in the rewrite explaining Patrick's deal with Lucky. This isn't the first soul that he's helped Lucky with. But yeah, that's completely missed from the script haha. I'm thinking of starting with that in the revised version.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste

Hate to sound like a broken record, but Tanis was great again.

I think you’ve got a very cool premise here, Stephen.

I liked the scene in which Sam talks to his kid. It establishes the stakes (why he needs money so bad) and it makes us feel sorry for him (always a good trick to make the audience jump into the character shoes).

I think you shouldn’t abandon this angle, which is more dramatically powerful than the simple “greed” that seems to drive Sam in the scene where he asks for another “zero” in his contract.

I also liked the Peter/Patrick twist.

Quoted from stephen Basically he was going to end up the same way as Sam but at the last minute took the necklace off. In order to get his soul back he had to find a replacement - Sam.

Now that I read this, everything makes perfect sense. But I must admit that the ending (while cool) left me a bit confused. I couldn’t get why Sam ended up trapped inside the pentagon (nice visual) and Patrick didn’t. Now I do, but I think you should explain this angle a bit more.

Good job, man.

Cheers for your comments Z

The scene where he's on the phone and also in the park watching another kid is supposed to show his need. Books, books, books....

Thanks for reading it.

Hey Stephen, just finished your script, I wanted to wait till I finished mine before I read any of these so that I wouldn't be influenced at all.

I thought this one was pretty cool, I think it would actually make a good episode of tales from the crypt, it had the same kinda feel to it, minus the over the top gore, but that's okay, there were some gore less episodes as well.

The story itself was kinda predictible, you know Sam is gonna get his upcomings in the end, but watching that happen is part of the fun in these kinda stories.

I would have liked a little more of Peter/Patrick, I think you did a good job with Sam, he was fleshed out pretty well, but I think having Peter feeling more desperate would have helped, maybe an extra page or two with him.

I did like the ending even though I saw it coming, it was inevitable, and I guess if it didn't end that way I may have been disappointed.  Anyways this was a cool episode with a creepy feel to it, maybe go a little more in depth with Peter and it would be a lot stronger.  Good work.

Cheers mate.

Yeah it isn't really full of twists and turns but just went for a creepy sort of tale.

If I do a rewrite then Patrick's character will have a lot more screen time.

Looking forward to reading yours.

Hey Ste, I forgot about these Soul Shadows episodes for some reason.  I love the premise, as I've said in reviews for the first 2.  I've read all the comments so far, and really hate to say that I do not agree.  Hope you know me enough not to take anything I say here as anymore than my own personal opinion, and some ideas to shake things up a bit.

First off, Tanis' opening isn't nearly as well done (or well written for some reason) as the first 2.  Not exactly sure what happened, but even her mannerisms and dialogue seem different...and not a good different.  No one else has commented on this, so looks like I'm standing on my own...as usual!

OK, back to Reflection.  I'm very confused, first of all, about this pentagon thing.  Sounds to me like you're referring to a mirrored pentagram type thing.  The way it's worded currently made me literally stop each time I read the word (and it was quite a few times that it comes up), and wonder to myself if this was merely a reccurring typo, or some new word I wasn't familiar with.  Assuming I'm right in what I think you meant, this kind of mistake, which occurrs continually, throughout the entire script, is a bad one, and really takes away from the entire read.

As for the story itself, as someone else mentioned, it's kinda one of those been there, seen it things.  Now, please understand that in itself, isn't such a bad thing at all.  But with this, it just didn't go anywhere remotely new for me, and I think there are a number of possibilities that would realy strengthen this thing up.

I like Luciano, BTW.  Seems to be alot like my Xavier.  I persoanlly would have made him come off a bit creepier, because it's quite obvious who and what he is, so I'd say make him a bit more over the top and interesting.

As for Sam, I didn't really like the wife and son angle at all.  I'd have him be much more of a low life type lounge singer, who routinely has one nighters with whomever he can.  Instead of having Anna just run away like she did, I'd have her get killed. I think you really need at least 1 kill in here.  The way it stands now, it's just too much nothingness for me.

I'd also alter Sam as a performer.  I'd have him be pretty crappy at first, but then, when he wears the necklace, have him be an amazing singer and entertainer...a total transformation.  I think it would play better this way and also be quite funny in a way, and add to the overall experience.

Again, sorry to say this, but I didn't really like the Peter/Patrick thing either.  I also really didn't understand what you were going for here.  I always have a problem when a character walks into a scene, says a few things, and then just leaves.  It's kind of like a soap opera where time and proximity don't exist.  The scene I'm referring to here is obviously the Irish bar scene.  It just doesn't come off as believable at all, and didn't sit well with me.

And finally, as for the ending...I didn't really like it or get it.  It was quite a letdown from where I was expecting and hoping it was going to go.  Where was that, you ask?  Well, somewhere dark, and evil, and surprising...or better yet, shocking!

Ste, I'm really sorry to sound so negative, and I think I am being negative because I see so much more in this story.  I like the premise very much, and I just wish you had worked with your options a bit more.  I have a feeling that when you rewrite this (which it sounds, like you are), it will be much, much better.

Wish I had more positive things to say my friend, but this just didn't really do it for me in its current form.

Up the irons, mate!

Hey Jeff, cheers for checking it out. All feedback is good feedback so no need to be sorry you didn't like it.

I don't know how to do the whole quoting different sections, so I'll just try to pick up each point in turn.

The Pentagon thing is just a mistake, I thought that was what it was called. I mean witchcraft and stuff, they draw a pentagon on the floor don't they? That's where my thinking was at anyways.

As far as the story not being new. I haven't seen that ending before. Fair enough, selling your soul to be better at something isn't new, and I didn't really go to change that structure. I just wanted to have the characters to make this my own take on it.

Pleased you liked Luciano. He's a character I've used before in a script called 'Suburbia'. Slight tweaks obviously.

Sam is a low-life lounge singer, only he has a son that he wants to see. He doesn't want to see him because he loves him, he wants to see him because he's his. If he eventually got the opportunity to see him everyday he wouldn't. He just feels like he's missing out on something at the moment.

I think you're right about making Sam a worse performer to start though. Would make the shift more stand-outish. I really only wanted one person to suffer in the script though, so even with a rewrite there won't be any kills.

With the bar scene, if you're referring to the dialogue, then I agree with you. I read this a few times before posting it and that part of the script always jarred with me. It felt a bit too Columbo-like. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Columbo fan, but yeah just seemed to be too much exposition in that scene. Although, I do like Peter as a character. I think he needs alot more fleshing out.

About the ending, I think that's maybe just a personal preference.

I'm writing a feature at the minute so won't be getting round to a rewrite on this anytime soon. When/If I do though, I'll take your comments on board.

About Tanis, I'll leave that upto Bert to reply to.

The ending was confusing for me.  I understand now...I think, based on other posts and your responses to them, but as it is, it just doesn't come off as much of a climax.  Also, I don't really see much of a lesson or theme in here, that shouts out to me.

The sell your soul for something you want premise is fine (and is really the same premise I have in Fade to White), and I totally get it.  But it all happens so fast, and in reality, what really happens?  Sam dies within like...what...a day after recieving the necklace?  Personally, I would have left the ending more up in the air, and carry more meaning as to the theme that Tanis was talking about in the intro.  I just don't really see the correlation, and that's what I disliked the most I think.

Looking forward to that feature you're working on!  Good luck.

I'd have Patrick/Peters working on a portrait that eventually turns out to be Sam's.  While he's painting, Mr. P remembers his bargain with Lucky, but without giving away too many details.  When he's done painting, it is a macabre version of Sam's physique that he has.  Something a bit gruesome but not too shocking.

I love having Sam wanting to talk to his kid.  But the script seemed a little rushed, probably due to page restraints.  Instead of having Sam have his comeuppance a night later, make it a week or so.  Maybe he can also plead his case to Patrick/Peters, but Sam gets no help from him because he's too afraid for his own soul.

Just some thoughts.  Richcraft